Feeling Not Good Enough - Problems Childhood Trauma Creates

Childhood trauma can have a lasting impact on our self-perception, often causing us to internalize feelings of inadequacy. As a result, we may find ourselves constantly seeking validation from others, looking for external sources to make us feel good enough. This pattern can manifest in various aspects of our lives including relationships, career choices, and personal achievements.

However, by understanding the connection between childhood trauma and the need for external validation, we can begin to reclaim our self-worth and break free from this detrimental cycle. By addressing the root causes of our insecurities and nurturing self-acceptance, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, ultimately finding fulfillment and contentment from within.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about the problem we face or the problems we face when we grow up feeling not good enough.

First of all,

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for being someone who is willing to explore the inner self,

The inner landscape.

You're someone who's obviously interested in self-discovery work.

You're interested in what's wrong and how can I fix or how can I change myself?

How can I develop an awareness around the things that might be holding me back from living an authentic life?

If you follow my work,

Chances are you grew up in a toxic home.

You grew up feeling not good enough.

And the way that that has manifested in your life is codependency,

Attracting narcissistic people into your life,

Having one-way relationships,

And not knowing what it is that you're doing wrong or how it is you might be participating in these dynamics.

You're not aware.

You don't know that up until the age of seven we are in hypnotic brainwave states.

And not bad news if you come from an enlightened family and you have a nurturing mother and you have a balcony person who,

No matter what you do,

They are your cheerleader.

They offer you support.

They tell you that everything's going to be okay.

You have that.

But if you come from a home where you felt invisible,

You felt unseen,

You felt unworthy,

You were raised in chaos and unpredictability,

And your brain had to wire for protection,

You had to wire for survival,

You had responsibilities that were way too far out there considering your age.

You had to take care of younger siblings or you had to take care of your mom or your dad.

When you grew up in a home like this,

You grew up feeling unseen.

Your true self has to get stifled.

You choose connection.

You choose attachment.

You have to over authenticity.

You can't be authentic because you will not survive if you are.

If you dare tell a raging mom that you're hungry or that you're afraid,

You might risk her raging at you even more or there's some consequence.

You're trained to understand that there's going to be a negative consequence to you opening up and telling your family how you really feel and so you don't.

Now up until the age of seven,

You're being conditioned to believe that this is the way to live.

And after the age of seven,

That program becomes your blueprint.

It becomes your emotional signature.

It becomes your relationship signature.

It becomes your signature for the self.

It's what you believe about the self.

And that's really sad because the mind is more subconscious than conscious.

The subconscious mind is one million times stronger than the conscious mind.

Imagine that.

Most of us are walking around,

What,

99% of us are walking around thinking that we're conscious and we're not,

Not even knowing that we're not good enough,

Not even knowing that we've come from traumatic homes.

Why don't you know that you come from a traumatic home?

Well,

I can tell you why I didn't think I came from a traumatic home was because throughout the course of my childhood,

My mother told me that I was the crazy one,

That I was the drama queen,

That I was the selfish one,

I was a liar,

I was making things up,

I was exaggerating things,

I had no right to feel the way I felt,

I would never have friends.

You just name it.

I was called it as a child and I was called,

I was even cursed at.

And so I didn't think it was my family,

I thought it was me.

I thought there was something wrong with me.

I grew up feeling unloved.

And all children,

Because we're egocentric,

The world really does revolve around us when we're children.

Think about it.

I have a little granddaughter who's 15 months.

She doesn't know anything about the external world or a community.

All she knows is her mother,

Her father,

And the people who visit her every day.

That's it.

That's her world.

And so,

Of course,

We're egocentric.

And so if a child feels invisible or unseen,

The child feels responsible for that,

It must be my fault.

And so,

No,

Many adult children from alcoholic homes,

We've acclimated,

For instance,

To the stress.

We've acclimated to the chaos.

We're not questioning our minds.

We're living through the amygdala and through the hippocampus.

I call the amygdala Amy.

I call the hippocampus Harry.

And I know that throughout my life,

I have to develop consciousness Kathy.

I have to develop William the Will.

I have to bring these two together,

My will and my consciousness.

I have to bring them online so I could hook up to the internet so I'm not living below the veil of consciousness forever and ever outside of my divine right to live a conscious and deliberate meaningful life outside of codependency seeking approval.

The disease to please is real.

The need to be needed is a disease.

And I can tell you,

It almost killed me until I had my awakening and realized that I was losing my life to childhood patterns.

And the worst part was I was modeling codependency.

I was modeling an unconscious life for my children.

I was modeling this idea that I was stuck and I was a victim.

I was modeling this idea that I didn't have the right to make a choice.

I couldn't control my emotions.

I couldn't control my decision making.

I couldn't make a conscious choice.

And once that hit me,

Once I realized I was recreating that pattern for my children,

The same pattern that my mother had recreated for me,

I knew that I had to change.

Now the problem with not feeling good enough is number one,

You don't know that you feel that way.

And there are so many issues that arise,

But let's just break this down.

If you don't feel like you're good enough and you don't know it,

Then there's no way that you can escape the trauma matrix or the codependency matrix.

You're just going to keep doing what you've always done.

You're going to get the same results.

You're going to get frustrated.

In the latter stages of codependency,

You end up with severe depression.

You end up with severe health issues.

And you don't know that you could have escaped the matrix.

You don't know that there was something that you could have done,

A shift in your mindset and awareness.

You just don't know.

And to me,

That's super sad.

That's how my mom died and that's how my dad died.

That's how my alcoholic uncles died.

Very sad and it doesn't have to be that way.

When you don't know that you don't know that you're enough and you don't know that you're codependent,

You're living below the veil.

So it's like you're a human being that's living underwater and you've acclimated to living underwater.

And yet at any point in time,

You can pierce the veil and at least begin to understand it wasn't me.

It was just my programming.

Now when you don't know that you're enough,

What's the first thing that you do?

Well,

Shame shows up.

But what do you do as someone who below the veil feels not good enough?

You try to be good enough.

Well,

How do you try to be good enough?

Here's the thing.

You connect to the outside.

You develop attachments.

You develop these identities within yourself and you give meaning to things that are happening outside of you.

So if my husband loves me,

Then I'm good enough.

If I can please my husband,

Then I'm good enough.

If I can please my child,

Then I'm good enough.

But here's the thing.

In trying to please others,

Where is my conscious mind?

It's in hypervigilance.

It's in a hyper state.

It's me trying to figure out what it is that makes that person tick and me trying to become what that person needs.

So in all of that,

I am really not being authentic.

I am denying myself.

It's coming from a place of pain and shame,

But all it does is perpetuate the I am not enough stuff.

Now,

When I'm not enough,

I think that I need you to tell me how to be enough.

I'm stuck.

I give all my power away as a human being.

I don't know that I'm doing it,

But I think that if I could get that degree,

If I get that job,

If I can drive that car,

Then I'll be enough.

On the extreme end of it,

When it comes to narcissism,

Narcissists have a false mask.

And the illusion is that they are enough.

The illusion is that they're better than everybody else.

Codependents are trying to be as good as everyone else,

Whereas a narcissist,

At least the false reality is,

The fantasy in their head is that they are already better than you are.

And unfortunately,

When it comes to codependents,

We oftentimes enter into relationships with narcissists who appear so strong and who appear to have it all together.

And the illusion in our head is,

If this charismatic person loves me,

I must be enough.

In the beginning of this relationship,

It feels like a hand in a glove because a narcissist shows up with love bombing.

A narcissist is going to say all the right things,

Is going to make you feel seen.

It's going to trigger your attachment trauma,

Trigger your abandonment trauma in a way that makes you feel like this is it.

This is the Holy Grail.

This is what I've been looking for my whole life.

It's sort of like the hit of the drug that you've always needed your whole life that you've never gotten.

That oxytocin drip that everybody needs to feel connected and interconnected and woven within the fabric of another human being.

And we've all come here to connect.

Unfortunately,

Because our initial attachments have been broken,

We aren't connected to the self.

And then we spend our entire lives trying to get connected to other people.

But unfortunately,

When our energetic signature is codependent,

We oftentimes attract very unhealthy partners.

Why?

Because we're shame-based and unhealthy people are shame-based also.

And we are unhealthy.

Let's face it.

We're not our optimal self.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

We have to accept it.

It could be no other way,

Dear one.

If you don't get what you need as a child,

Then you can't grow to be a strong,

Mentally capable,

Emotionally balanced person.

You can't be.

And that's not your fault.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know it triggers shame.

Trust me.

I've been there.

When I first started to really heal from codependency,

And I dove into this I'm not enough stuff,

And I really began to understand how my subconscious mind,

My beliefs,

And even my ego attachments,

And how psychologically I was justifying and rationalizing,

Doing things for other people,

Trying to get their approval.

When I began to really sift through it,

And I saw how controlling it was,

I recoiled.

It was like,

See,

I'm not a good person.

I knew I wasn't a good person.

My mother was right.

And it took everything in me to maintain a sense of groundedness,

A sense of peace,

And to know that my higher self existed within me,

And that was not true.

I was enough.

I was born enough.

I have every right in the world to experience health,

And prosperity,

Joy,

And love,

And romance,

And all the good stuff that is available in the external world.

I have a right to experience that just as much as Beyonce,

And Madonna,

And Oprah,

And anybody else that you think has hit it big in life,

Has figured it out.

You're just as important and just as valuable as anyone else.

The issue that we have to traverse is the I am not enough stuff.

We have to learn to believe that we are enough,

And we have to understand,

At least consciously and cognitively,

That when we don't feel enough,

What we do by default is we wait for someone else outside of us to show us how to be enough.

We give our power over,

By default,

We just give our power over to people.

We say,

If I can figure you out,

Below the veil this is,

If I can figure you out,

And I can give you all that you need,

Then you'll never leave me,

And certainly,

I won't have to feel not enough by having my abandonment trauma triggered.

There are so many deceptive things that are happening in that space,

Because it's an immature way to relate to other people.

I've seen this time and time again in my coaching classes,

And even in my personal life,

Where the more codependent person in the relationship is very kind,

Very empathetic,

Does so many things for their partner,

But the minute their partner doesn't behave or really behave the way the codependent person wants them to,

The codependent person can pitch a fit,

Can become passive aggressive,

Can induce guilt,

And when called out,

Will reduce into a bundle of tears.

Oh,

I didn't mean to be a bad person.

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not a bad person.

And suddenly,

You see this six-year-old fractured child coming out of denial about codependency or coming out of denial about being raised by adult children of alcoholics or being raised by alcoholic parents or codependent parents or narcissistic parents,

Emotionally immature parents.

Coming out of denial of that is crucial to our emotional recovery,

Because until we come out of denial,

We're not going to be able to really be objective about how being raised in those types of environments have caused us to feel and how to see the self.

And because we weren't able and allowed to develop healthy ego boundaries,

Our wounded and fractured,

Very sensitive ego,

Our wounded inner child is running our ship.

Although as a codependent in a relationship with a narcissist,

It might appear that you're not playing a game,

But you are.

You're below the veil.

And although you are the one who is giving and the narcissist is taking,

Energetically,

We're talking about two very wounded,

Shame-based people.

Now,

The good news is for someone who is highly codependent is you can reprogram your subconscious mind,

Because you are able to look at yourself and be observing,

And you're able to feel remorse and feel regret,

And you want to change.

Therefore,

You have the ability to change.

Will you change is a different question,

Because healing from codependency is all about taking action.

It's all about committing to this journey and wanting to know something and understand something like you've never wanted to understand and know anything before.

And that's the only way that you can experience the shifts in consciousness necessary to ascend the childhood programming that's keeping you stuck.

And so when it comes to someone who's highly narcissistic or someone who even has NPD,

We're talking about somebody who,

At least research suggests,

This is someone who doesn't feel remorse.

This is someone who believes that they're right.

This is someone who feels entitled to exploit you.

This is someone who will justify their rage.

This is not somebody who wants to control their rage.

This is not somebody who wants to be able to observe their rage and observe their controlling behavior.

This is not someone who truly wants to change.

This is someone who doesn't believe there's anything that needs to be fixed.

This is someone who believes in their fantasy.

They're smarter.

They're more intelligent than you are.

They're sexier.

They're more worthy than you are.

Their wounds are much deeper than yours,

Of course,

Which really allows them to corner the market on being a victim and also potentially becoming a persecutor.

And so healing from codependency and the I am not enough stuff,

It's not easy.

But if you're going to wake up tomorrow and breathe air anyway,

You might as well breathe air consciously.

You might as well learn about metacognition.

You might as well learn about how you can heal from codependency.

You might as well learn about family enmeshment issues.

You might as well learn about abandonment issues.

You might as well learn about how being raised in a dysfunctional home has caused you to feel not good enough.

And the many,

Many ways in which not feeling good enough keeps you stuck on this hamster's wheel,

Which is what I call the trauma matrix or codependency matrix.

And until you awaken,

You cannot escape it.

And that's just really a travesty when you consider how worthy you are,

When you consider that you are made of stardust,

When you consider that you are an energetic being and there is all this unrealized potential energy within you that needs your consciousness to come online in order to tap into it.

And so dear one,

You are enough,

But your subconscious mind might not believe that.

And just know that if you don't feel good enough,

Then you don't act good enough.

And if you don't act good enough,

You don't attract people who think you're good enough.

And unfortunately,

This becomes a biofeedback system,

An energetic feedback system,

Otherwise known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And decades of this ends up depleting you of your energy and depleting you of your life source.

And like all of us,

One day our time here will be done.

And that's not a gross thought.

That's a reality check.

That thought really helped me find the will and determination to change my life and do everything I could do to heal from codependency.

And you can too.

Stop giving your power away to other people.

Stop expecting that other people are going to be able to pat you on the back enough and validate you enough to make you feel like you're good enough.

If anything,

That's going to keep you stuck in the matrix.

That's going to keep you attached to this idea that your enoughness is outside of you.

And that's just not true.

That's an illusion.

Your enoughness is you.

You are enough.

You were born enough.

And that's a fact.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time,

As I bow to the love and the light.

That is absolutely in you.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Thank you Lisa. I am enough.

Finally understand the root problem

Straightforward, clear, and very helpful and inspiring talk

I related to so much of what is said here. Thank you for this helpful talk.

💜

Nice. Concise. Gives me hope.

love the talk. can you talk more about how i can give the validation i’m seeking outside of me , how i can give that to myself? how do you do that? and believe it?

Getting better ❤️‍🩹 all the time
Namaste 🙏 and thank you

Such sage advice & compassionate understanding, it had to make my playlist💝. Thank you so much, Lisa 🙏🏻🦋🫶🏼

Love your podcasts. It’s much like you know
What I experienced. Having two narcissistic parents ( one was covert), I’ve struggled with handing over my power and self worth to others. I’m now in therapy and becoming authentic. It’s never too late ..I’m 76 years old