3 Powerful Habits Crush Fear Of Other People's Disapproval

Did you know that the fear of disapproval can stem back to childhood and the fear of abandonment? Did you know that the fear of abandonment is akin to death and that the human brain responds to this fear with the same sort of hormonal and emotional processes that would occur if your life were in danger? Yep, it's true. In this episode, mental health wellness coach Lisa A. Romano, who specializes in crushing codependency and breaking free of the subconscious chains that keep all adult trauma survivors stuck repeating the patterns of the past, drops infinite wisdom! Lisa is going to share 3 powerful habits that will crush anxiety and fear related to the disapproval of others. Make time for this episode. It is a must!

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Welcome back,

Dear ones,

To another episode of Breakdown to Breakthrough with Lisa A.

Romano.

I'm your host,

Lisa,

And today we're going to dive deep into three powerful habits to crush the anxiety and fear of other people's disapproval.

If you've been struggling with feelings of insecurity or worry about what other people think,

This episode,

Dear one,

It's for you.

Let's get started.

Today,

I would like to discuss with you three life-changing habits that can help you overcome the anxiety and the fear you might face even though you might not even know that you have this anxiety of disappointing other people.

Before my awakening,

Before my separation,

Before my divorce,

I lived below the veil of consciousness seeking other people's approval,

Which is what my brain associated pleasure with and did not know that on the opposite end of the stick,

I lived in fear,

Constant fear of other people's disapproval.

This pump,

This pain versus pleasure pump was motivating all of my thinking,

All of my feeling,

And sort of like a flesh-covered robot,

My brain was running the ship.

My subconscious mind was really being controlled by what had happened in my childhood.

If we don't awaken,

We can't change.

Without awareness,

We just continue to do what we've always done.

I watched my mother die from this.

I've watched other women and men in these types of relationships,

Unaware that they are unaware.

And in some cases,

We can save relationships and in other cases,

Our awakening will destroy the relationships that we're in.

But that's not a bad thing.

That's actually a good thing because if we don't awaken and we don't learn to muster the storm,

We don't develop that stainless steel spine that everybody who has been living below the veil of consciousness,

Seeking approval,

Must develop in order to change their life.

Now,

I talk a lot about habits because it's scientifically proven.

It's neurologically proven.

It's all about your habits.

Today,

You might be afraid of disappointing your lover,

Your husband,

Your mother,

Your father,

A sister or a brother.

Today,

You might be crippled by the fear of missing out,

Being left out by family members,

Being left out of the will,

Being left out of a family vacation or a group chat.

That's a habit.

That's a habit of thinking.

It stems from the subconscious mind.

And in a month,

Two months,

Three months or a year,

This could be completely behind you if you develop new habits.

There are lots of people who listen to information like this and they're hearers of the word.

They're not doers of the word,

But I can speak with utter confidence because I've been doing this work for so long,

Over 20 years,

I've tremendous experience in helping myself change my life and helping my clients,

My children,

My husband,

His children,

And the people that I know and love and trust what I'm saying is true.

So I can tell you with complete confidence that if you put what I'm about to teach you into action,

Your life must change.

It's the law.

So the first habit that you're going to cultivate is the habit of self-awareness.

It's crucial to take the time to look within and to understand your thoughts and your feelings,

Especially when it comes to anxiety and the fear of disapproval.

You can't fix a hole in the wall that you don't see.

If you're like me,

You might have the fear of disapproval and might not even be aware of it.

So that's like being a captain of this used cruise ship and there's a hole in your boat and you just keep asking your crew members to throw the water overboard.

You don't know that there's a hole in your boat,

So you're never going to be able to move that steamship or that yacht or cruise ship as fast as it could.

It's going to take you a long time to get where you want to go if you get there at all.

So by becoming aware of your triggers and patterns,

You can begin to recognize when these emotions are arising and take steps to address them.

In this way,

We can develop mindfulness,

Journaling is a great asset to help you tune into your inner dialogue and gain clarity on what's driving your fears.

So let's talk about why we struggle with self-awareness at all,

Right?

Let's really get to the heart of this.

Codependents who fear disapproval struggle to recognize and acknowledge their fear due to living below the veil of consciousness.

And also it's tied to the subconscious programming that we have gained as children.

Living below the veil of consciousness means that we operate on autopilot,

Reacting to situations and relationships without fully understanding the underlying motivations behind these behaviors.

The state of living below the veil of consciousness means that our patterns of seeking approval and avoiding disapproval are deeply ingrained and operate at the subconscious level.

We may not consciously recognize our fear of disapproval because it has become a habitual response that is buried beneath our awareness.

Another reason that we lack self-awareness is the subconscious programming aspect of this,

Which originates from childhood experiences and early conditioning,

Which has shaped our behaviors and beliefs about ourself and the world.

The messages we receive from our caregivers,

Societal norms,

And past traumas create unconscious patterns of seeking external validation and avoiding conflicts or rejection.

These patterns and beliefs and programming influence our thoughts,

Emotions,

And behaviors without our conscious awareness.

So the subconscious mind is talking to the conscious mind,

And we just react in the 3D,

All outside of divine awareness,

Which is what I teach.

Another issue that we have is emotional avoidance.

So as codependents,

We may engage in emotional avoidance as a coping mechanism to protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings such as rejection,

Criticism,

Or disapproval.

We oftentimes take the blame,

Oh,

It's our fault.

It's our fault.

He's not talking to me.

Why do we do that?

Because at a subconscious level,

If it's our fault,

We can fix it.

By avoiding acknowledging our fears of disapproval,

We can maintain a sense of safety and security in these relationships,

Even if it means sacrificing our own needs and our own desires.

This avoidance keeps us trapped in a cycle of seeking external validation without understanding the root cause of our behavior.

The other issue is just plain old lack of self-awareness.

We are not self-aware.

We may lack self-awareness and introspection,

Making it challenging for us to recognize our own fears,

Our own insecurities,

And our patterns of seeking approval.

Without a conscious understanding of our motivations and emotions,

We may continue to operate on autopilot,

Repeating the same patterns of behavior that kept us stuck in codependent relationships,

But they also mirror the relationships,

The subordinate relationships we had to our neglectful parents.

By exploring these concepts of living below the veil of consciousness and understanding how subconscious programming influences our behavior,

We can begin to unravel the layers of fear and insecurity that drive our deep need for approval and validation.

Through self-reflection,

Through coaching,

Therapy,

And personal growth work,

Adult children of alcoholics and those who've experienced emotional neglect or childhood trauma can gain insight into our unconscious patterns and start to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation to find true inner peace and self-acceptance.

So the first habit to cultivate is self-awareness.

Do everything you can to wake up.

The second habit is self-compassion.

It's important to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding,

Especially when we're feeling anxious or fearful of disapproval.

Remember that everyone experiences moments of self-doubt and insecurity,

And it's okay to be gentle with yourself when you notice these times,

But it's important to understand that you're not going to notice it until you awaken.

The painful,

Harsh inner critic of a codependent or a child of trauma is often a reflection of deep-seated feelings of unworthiness,

Self-doubt,

And the fear of approval because we never received approval.

We never received the love,

The consistent love that we needed as children.

We were left wondering what's wrong with us,

And we took that on.

This inner critic is fueled by subconscious beliefs and programming that originated from childhood experiences of emotional neglect,

Abandonment,

Or trauma.

And here's why self-compassion can be challenging for us as codependents.

Perfectionism and high expectations.

Codependents may hold themselves to impossible high standards and perfectionistic expectations,

And these are driven by our inner critic's harsh judgments.

This relentless pursuit of perfection can make it difficult for codependents to show themselves compassion when they perceive any form of failure or mistake.

The fear of not meeting these high standards can intensify the inner critic's voice and undermine self-compassion.

Another issue that will make this habit difficult is the external validation piece.

So we seek external validation as a sense of self-worth.

So codependents rely on external validation and approval from others to feel worthy and lovable even from toxic others.

The inner critic reinforces the belief that self-worth is dependent on other people's opinions and validation,

Making it challenging for us as codependents to cultivate the self-compassion independent of external feedback.

Without validation from others,

The inner critic may amplify feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness,

Further hindering self-compassion.

Another issue that makes self-compassion difficult,

Remember we're uncovering,

We're going deep.

You can't fix a hole in the wall that you don't see or you don't understand.

We also have a fear of vulnerability and rejection.

So codependents may struggle with vulnerability and the fear of rejection that stems from childhood experiences of emotional neglect or abandonment.

The inner critic's harsh judgments serve as a protective mechanism to shield codependents from the pain of potential rejection or disapproval.

So if I'm always chasing after you and I never accept that you're going to fully abandon or reject me,

I'm in a perpetual state of seeking approval and I'm fending off the fear of rejection and vulnerability.

This fear of vulnerability can make it difficult for codependents to show themselves compassion as it requires acknowledging and accepting their own vulnerabilities and own imperfections and the idea that we were not created by God,

By source,

By infinite intelligence to chase after other people's approval.

And we have to teach ourself the emotional resiliency,

The mental toughness skills that we need to face the anxiety that comes when we are rejected,

When we are criticized.

That's the key.

Another issue that makes self-compassion difficult is the deep-seated beliefs of unworthiness.

The inner critic of a codependent often reinforces the beliefs that we are unworthy and it reinforces self-doubt and all of this has been internalized from past experiences.

These core beliefs,

Which are at the subconscious level that motivate every human being's behavior,

Thought processes and emotions can be so ingrained in the codependent psyche that showing self-compassion may feel foreign or undeserved.

The inner critic's voice may constantly remind us that we have shortcomings,

That we're constantly making mistakes and we're unworthy and that we need someone else's approval to have permission to feel good and this makes it challenging to extend kindness to ourselves.

But dear ones,

Despite the challenges,

Cultivating self-compassion is essential for us to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation and approval.

So by challenging the inner critic's harsh judgments,

By practicing self-kindness and acknowledging our own worthiness independent of external factors,

Slowly we begin to shift toward a more compassionate and nurturing relationship with ourselves.

How do we do this?

Through therapy,

Through proper coaching,

Through self-reflection,

Through self-care,

We can gradually learn to quiet the inner critic's voice and embrace self-compassion as a component of our healing journey.

So we can also do this through meditation,

Through walking in nature,

Through practicing yoga and spending time with people that you notice uplift you versus criticize you versus people you're afraid are going to disapprove of you.

The third habit that will crush the anxiety and the fear of the disapproval of others is setting boundaries.

So we're going to explore this idea that if we can say no to others,

We're learning to say yes to the inner child.

Learning to say no and prioritize our needs is essential for overcoming the fear of disapproval.

We're breaking this habit.

We're breaking these neurological pathways and we're reinforcing them through the power of neuroplasticity to reinforce this idea that we're worthy and we don't need someone else's approval.

We don't need the pat on the back.

We don't need the accolades.

We're good all by ourselves.

We can mosey along through life,

Taking care of ourselves,

Validating ourselves and walking our path towards an authentic life.

It's okay to establish healthy boundaries with others even when you're afraid.

It's okay to communicate your needs assertively even if that other person isn't going to listen.

Remember that your worth is not determined.

Your true worth is given.

It already is.

There's this false belief that has you believing you're unworthy and you need someone else who mirrors your mother's energy,

Your father's energy,

To give you a sense of worth.

The problem is you're on a toxic ferris wheel and there are just some people in this world that are built to not give you worth.

They're built to withhold validation,

To withhold love and to withhold praise and they're probably more below the veil than you are.

It's important that you remember that your innate worth is not determined by anything that exists outside of you.

It's important to learn to develop this habit of setting boundaries for your own well-being and to stop or break the habit of seeking external validation.

Now let's talk about why codependent people struggle with setting boundaries.

Codependents often struggle with setting boundaries due to deep-seated rooted fears and insecurities that stem from childhood experiences of abandonment.

How do you set a boundary with the person that you need as much as you need oxygen?

You can't.

So you keep seeking their approval and this becomes a habit.

So here are some reasons why codependent people like us have difficulty establishing boundaries and the connection to childhood abandonment.

We fear rejection.

So we fear rejection and or abandonment if we assert our needs or set boundaries because this was our experience as children.

This fear is tied to childhood experiences where the caregivers may have been emotionally unavailable or inconsistent with meeting our needs.

So mommy was good to us on Monday but she got awful by Friday.

This often happens when you come from a toxic home,

A dysfunctional home,

A house of narcissism or a house of codependency.

Mom is just completely enamored by your stepdad or your dad or she's locked up and taking care of your alcoholic brother and you're just getting ignored.

And when she was having a good day she took it to the ice cream store but by Friday she couldn't keep that up and so you were confused.

Inconsistent love,

Inconsistent validation is worse than consistent invalidation.

It is so confusing for a child and it will keep you on a wheel of trying to figure out how to please the absent mother or the narcissistic father.

So self-awareness is so important.

Breaking this habit,

Setting boundaries and developing self-compassion for the inner child inside of you is so important.

So this inconsistency piece is important.

So as a result we learn to prioritize other people's needs over our own to avoid rejection or abandonment.

The other issue is again we need approval.

So we seek validation and approval from others to feel worthy and accepted.

This need for external validation is rooted in childhood experiences where our caregivers may have not been there for us consistently.

So this is important because when we made our mother and fathers happy we felt good.

So we developed this pattern that this is what we need to do.

We feel good when we gain approval.

So setting boundaries can feel threatening to our sense of self-worth if we fear losing someone else's approval who has become an authority in our life and we've developed a subordinate relationship with.

We also struggle with guilt and shame.

Codependents experience intense feelings of guilt and shame when asserting boundaries as we have been conditioned to prioritize other people's needs over our own.

We don't set boundaries because this is where our anxiety and fear comes from.

And the brain is,

Well the brain interprets that as a threat to our survival.

So the coping mechanism is to please,

To please,

To please until we uproot this we cannot change it.

So the guilt and shame are tied to childhood experiences where we have been made to feel responsible for our caregivers emotions or actions or abuse towards us which leads to a deep sense of unworthiness and self-blame.

We also have a fear of abandonment.

So as codependents we have a deep seated fear of rejection and abandonment stemming from childhood experiences of feeling emotionally neglected or abandoned or abused by our caregivers.

So setting boundaries can trigger this fear of being left alone or unloved as we equate asserting our needs with the risk of losing these relationships that we have been conditioned to believe we need as much as we need oxygen and we do not.

I will say that again,

We do not need other people.

Everything that we need to survive is right there inside of us.

Our immune system takes care of us and our mind can take care of us.

We can develop the right patterns to move our lives forward.

But these are ideas and concepts that must be cultivated.

Dear one,

It will not just happen.

You have to make it happen.

So we can also simply have a baseline fear of disappointing anyone which all ties back to feeling powerless as children and being conditioned to understand that at a minimum if we suppress our true emotions,

Focus on other people's needs,

And seek to please others that we can garner some sense of pseudo control.

So this isn't just with primary relationships.

We can feel this way with the UPS guy,

With the Boar's Head guy at the local deli.

We can feel this way with our kids' teachers.

We step into the subordinate position because of childhood programming.

That has to stop.

So toxic authority figures demand compliance as opposed to authenticity.

So if you want to know where this stems from,

Look at the people in your past.

If they were toxic authority figures,

They did not hear you.

They did not comfort you when the storm rolled in and you were two years old and you were petrified.

They had no patience for your emotions,

Especially the big emotions.

They pushed you away.

They taught you that no one was there for you and this trauma is suppressed in your body.

And we've got to learn to address that,

Acknowledge that,

Process that,

So we can set your inner child free.

So in summary,

We believe that we have trouble setting boundaries or we do have trouble setting boundaries due to our fear of rejection and our need for approval because of our feelings of guilt and shame and deep-rooted fear of abandonment that is all tied to the childhood experiences of emotional neglect and abandonment.

So by understanding and addressing these underlying fears and insecurities,

Those of us who have grown up without a healthy and positive sense of self,

Who have subconsciously relied on focusing on others,

Taking care of them and seeking their approval,

Who don't always understand the subconscious reasons for why or how our actions and beliefs might be motivated by fear,

Developing these three habits of self-awareness,

Self-compassion,

And setting boundaries can really help us break free of the patterns of the past.

We can begin to prioritize our own needs and establish healthy boundaries in our relationships with the self.

So we teach ourselves that no,

No,

No,

Dear one,

We don't need to do that.

We don't need to go be the first one to say we're sorry even though our sister was abusive towards us.

We can learn to deal with the silence.

Even though it's uncomfortable,

We can break these patterns.

Those are the life skills.

It's not just one life skill you need,

But that's essentially what I'm talking about when I'm discussing life skills.

So I want to thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of Breakdown to Breakthrough.

And I really hope that these three habits have provided you with valuable tools to crush the anxiety and fear of disapproval.

Dear one,

Remember that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.

And the right people will accept you just as you are.

They're not going to withhold love.

They're not going to punish you when you don't read their mind.

They're not going to play mind games.

They're not going to triangulate and gaslight you.

But there is this period of temporary aloneness where when you start to understand like these are the relationships that you're in and they're toxic,

And you start to break these patterns and you start to pull away,

That's a really scary,

Lonely time.

And I would say that's the time that you need the support the most.

Try not to do this alone.

So dear one,

Stay tuned for more empowering discussions on how to navigate life's challenges and emerge stronger on the other side of codependency and childhood trauma.

So until next time,

Dear one,

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Reviews

This was hard to listen to, but rang true. Definitely helpful to guide me to peace.

really great information Lisa 🤩👋🌻🤩👋🌻🤩👋🌻🤩👋🌻🤩

I rewound this so many times! So many nuggets that I want to remember. Thank you, Lisa! 🙏🏼

I really related to this. Thank you for these three habits to live by.

Really resonated with me. Thank you

Thanks Lisa , a wonderful podcast. I could identify soo much with what you said , it helped affirm that I have come a long way but am still a work in progress

Great talk. Thank you. 🙏🙏❤❤

So empowering and helpful with Self Awareness, and being kind to ourselves.i Kove your work on co-dependency !