Why Some People Change And Narcissists Don't

So today we're going to unpack whether or not someone you love is a narcissist or has high narcissistic traits,

And how to tell the difference,

What you need to know,

And also what you can do.

So stay to the end.

Have you ever looked at someone in your life and wondered to yourself,

Because I know I have,

Are they actually a narcissist?

Or are they just emotionally immature?

Are they wounded?

Are they arrogant?

Are they defensive?

Are they selfish or just deeply insecure?

Because dear one,

There is a difference.

And understanding the difference is going to make your life so much easier,

And it's going to offer you so much more mental clarity and peace.

Not because you want to walk around diagnosing people,

Not so that you can label everybody who is toxic as a narcissist.

But so that you stop trying to abandon yourself and trying to fix someone who's never going to change.

And one of the biggest reasons adult children from dysfunctional homes stay stuck in painful relationships is because they confuse potential with their reality.

They see moments of kindness and moments of remorse and moments of vulnerability,

And they think,

Maybe they're changing.

They go back to their wishful thinking.

If I'm enough,

If I say it the right way,

They'll change.

But temporary behavioral adjustments are not the same thing as deep psychological transformations that happen on the inside through that person's ability to be vulnerable.

If you grew up below the veil of consciousness,

Conditioned to over-focus on other people's feelings while disconnecting from your own truth,

You can spend your entire life trying to decode someone who has no real intention of decoding themselves.

So let's talk about some of the differences between someone with narcissistic traits and someone who may have a more rigid narcissistic personality structure.

Because understanding this can save you years of confusion.

First,

Every human being has narcissistic traits.

So let's normalize something first.

All human beings have these narcissistic traits.

At times,

We can call them becoming defensive or lacking empathy or overreaction.

At times we make things about ourselves and we forget that other people in the room.

At times we seek validation and struggle with criticism and we can act selfishly and emotionally manipulative when we're afraid.

But that alone does not make someone a narcissist.

Healthy people can become reactive,

And healthy people can become emotionally immature under stress.

And healthy people can even have trauma responses.

But here's the difference that you have to start fleshing out and looking for.

Healthy people can self-reflect.

They can pause.

They can feel remorse.

They can take accountability without collapsing into rage,

Blame,

Or victimhood.

And most importantly,

They become aware that they are the problem in the pattern.

So they want to fix it.

And that is a massive distinction.

So people with high narcissistic traits may still have access to self-awareness.

Someone with high narcissistic traits may crave attention.

Dominate conversations,

Struggle with empathy,

Become controlling in relationships,

Seek and crave admiration,

Become emotionally reactive,

Fear rejection deeply,

And even will isolate.

In the absence of that admiration.

But underneath these defenses,

There may still be access to reality testing and self-reflection.

What I mean by this is that if they truly wanted to change,

They potentially can.

But only if they're willing to do the deep inner work.

And this is where many people in toxic relationships get trapped,

Because they see flashes of humanity.

They hear the words,

I love you,

But those words are empty.

They don't feel it.

And those flashes create hope.

But dear one,

Hope without sustained behavioral change becomes self-betrayal.

So someone saying,

I know I hurt you,

Is not the same thing as someone consistently doing the difficult nervous system and ego work required to stop hurting you.

And insight alone is not transformation.

So a narcissist or someone who has high narcissistic traits can have the self-awareness,

But they're not moving into transformation.

So tears do not indicate that they're transforming.

Fear of losing you.

And moving into performance is not transformation.

A true narcissistic personality structure is different.

So let's go deeper.

Again,

This is for your mental clarity.

So you can flesh this out,

Whether you're going to stay or go.

Someone with a deeply entrenched narcissistic personality structure often lacks the ability to tolerate shame in a healthy and productive way.

And this is critical to understand.

Because personal growth requires the ability to face painful truths about the self.

But narcissistic defenses exist specifically to protect the ego from feeling that shame.

So instead of self-reflection,

What often happens in those moments is blame shifting.

They start projecting on you.

They gaslight you.

They go into denial.

They minimize your experience.

They rage.

They give you the silent treatment.

They play the victim.

It's all about image management.

So let's ask ourselves why.

Because the false self must be protected at all costs.

Appear incapable of sustained accountability.

And it's not because they don't intellectually hear what you're saying.

It's because psychologically,

True accountability feels annihilating to the ego,

The ego they built for survival.

And this is why so many people leave conversations with narcissistic individuals feeling like they're crazy,

Like they're begging to be heard.

They feel unseen and emotionally exhausted and deeply confused.

So you're trying to connect through truth.

And they're trying to survive through defense and annihilating the truth.

And they are not the same thing.

And this is often why they change only when you threaten to leave them.

And this is why a narcissist will leave you.

A seam to change if you attempt to leave them,

Or you'll see changes in them after you leave them.

And you might say to yourself,

But they changed after I left.

Well,

Maybe.

But we need to define change accurately.

Because behavioral moderation for a narcissist is not the same as psychological healing.

A narcissist can temporarily stop yelling,

Become more attentive,

Say the right things,

Promise therapy,

Act softer,

Become more affectionate.

But what you have to ask yourself is this.

Did they develop true empathy?

Did they begin sustained self-reflection.

Did they become accountable without manipulation and without me having to collapse and beg for them to get it?

Did they stop rewriting reality?

Did they start becoming emotionally safe?

Did they stop punishing my honesty?

Did they stop needing control?

Did they stop stonewalling me?

Or did they simply adapt behavior because they feared abandonment or they feared exposure or a loss of my supply?

Those are very different things.

So the fear of consequences,

They're like children.

It's the fear of consequence that can alter their behavior temporarily.

But transformation requires true humility,

Self-awareness,

Emotional processing,

And consistent internal work over time for themselves,

Not for you.

And many people mistake panic for growth.

And I want you to understand why codependents struggle to see this clearly.

I know I did.

If you were raised by emotionally immature parents,

You did not come out of your childhood without issues.

If you grew up in dysfunction,

You were likely trained to focus more on another person's potential than your own pain.

You learn to explain away bad behavior.

You learn to over-empathize.

You learn to minimize your own feelings.

You learn to rescue.

You learn to caretake.

You learn to wait for change.

And most horribly,

You learn to endure emotional inconsistency.

Now,

You've got to ask yourself why.

Because your subconscious mind adapted to instability and feeling invisible long ago.

Below the veil of consciousness,

Many adult children learned,

If I can just love harder,

Understand deeper,

Explain better,

Perform better,

Maybe I can finally feel safe.

So when a narcissistic person shows even small moments of warmth,

Or vulnerability,

Or tenderness,

Or they get it,

The wounded inner child inside of you becomes flooded with hope.

But healing requires learning to see patterns instead of promises.

Patterns will always reveal the truth.

Not their words.

Not their potential.

Not fantasy,

The patterns.

So let's talk about what you should do in these situations first.

Stop obsessing over the label.

Stop obsessing over,

Are they a narcissist,

Or do they have narcissistic traits?

Sometimes people spend years trying to determine,

Are they technically a narcissist?

Meanwhile,

Their nervous system is absolutely deteriorating.

The better question is,

The healthier question is,

Is this relationship emotionally safe?

Is it reciprocal?

Is it accountable and healthy for me?

Can I grow?

Are we moving from point A to point B as a couple?

That question changes everything.

Number two.

Watch their behavior over time.

Don't pay attention to their apologies,

Or the chemistry,

Or the tears,

Or the temporary improvements.

Consistency reveals their true character.

The third day.

Stop trying to heal people who refuse to look within.

This is not your job.

You cannot do someone else's consciousness work for them.

You cannot love someone into self-awareness and self-accountability.

And many adult children become addicted to trying to because subconsciously they're still trying to earn the love from the emotionally unavailable caregivers in their life.

And finally,

Return to the cell.

Find the road back to you.

Your healing begins in the moment you stop making another human being your emotional project.

And you begin learning your own subconscious patterns,

Your own trauma responses.

You start paying attention to your own fears.

Why are you trying to change this person?

You understand your own conditioning.

You understand the pain this relationship is bringing you.

Because the truth is,

The longer you stay focused on diagnosing them,

The longer you avoid discovering who you are.

And that discovery,

That awakening above the veil of consciousness,

Is where your power has always been.

It was never you,

It was only your programming.

And if this resonates with you,

Let me know in the comments.

What was the moment you realized someone else's potential was keeping you trapped in reality?

When was that moment?

And remember,

Dear one,

You cannot heal what you refuse to see.

But once you see clearly,

Everything changes.

And remember,

You,

Dear one,

Were born enough.

You were not born on this earth to recycle your trauma,

To try to figure out how to love someone enough to love you.

You came from love.

You are loved.

The love that you've been seeking has always been inside of you.

I so hope that this session has helped you understand that at your core,

It's not your job to take care of other people.

It's your job to see the pattern.

It's your job to figure out,

How does this relationship or this person make me feel?

Do I feel safe or do I feel unsafe?

Do I feel seen or do I feel unseen?

Am I begging for them to hear me,

Or do I feel heard?

And it's not easy.

It's not easy to see the truth,

But you have to remember the truth sets you free.

Because in the truth,

As painful as it is,

Is the pattern.

It's the pattern that you've been living since you were a child.

But in seeing the pattern,

You become liberated from the pattern.

That's when you are able to go from below to above the veil of consciousness.

You see,

What we don't realize is that the first part of our life,

We are acting out the story we were handed as a child.

But once you awaken,

Once you do this deep dive,

Once you really do the deep inner work,

And you face these patterns,

And you face all the grief.

You've been loving or trying to love another person into loving you.

And you don't have to do that anymore.

So above the veil,

You get to write your own code.

You get to write your own script.

You get to create.

From true creation,

From the space of true creation.

Which is anchored in love.

Rather than from the ego self,

Rather from the darkness of the past.

I so hope that this has been helpful.

Dear one,

You are enough.

And thank you for your time and your consideration today.

Until next time!