What To Do When Someone Crosses Your Boundary

In this powerful episode, we dive into the crucial topic of boundaries. Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your emotional well-being. However, for those who have struggled with codependency, setting and enforcing boundaries can be particularly challenging. Lisa unpacks the dynamics of boundary violations, offering practical advice and insights to help you confidently reclaim your power and navigate these situations

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about what it takes to stick up for yourself when people cross your boundaries.

It takes a lot to stick up for yourself when someone has disrespected you,

When someone expects that you should anticipate their needs,

When someone accuses you of something that you're not guilty of,

When someone is trying to pressure you into doing something that you're not comfortable doing.

It's really uncomfortable to have to push people back.

It's really uncomfortable to have to set a boundary with someone.

It's really uncomfortable to have to confront someone and say,

Hey,

Knock it off.

That's not cool with me.

And I don't think it's wise for us to look for problems in life because you generally find them.

But I do think it's important to recognize when something has happened to you in your experience that requires for you to set a boundary.

Otherwise,

People just generally push you around.

We all have heard people say that we teach people how to treat us.

And I'm 55 now.

And I can tell you that through a lot of deep emotional,

Spiritual recovery work,

I can absolutely attest to the idea that that is a very true statement.

When you lack self-confidence,

When you lack a sense of self,

You can't have self-confidence unless you have learned to find the self.

And you can't find the self unless you know how and what you feel.

Adults know what they feel.

Children will struggle to identify what they feel.

But adults,

Healthy adults anyway,

Know what they feel.

Healthy adults know what their values are.

Healthy adults know where their boundaries are.

Healthy adults know what they will and will not tolerate.

And a huge part of being able to set a boundary has to do with recognizing how we feel.

How do you know that someone has crossed a line if you don't know how you feel?

If you are someone who has been unfortunately abused in your life,

Maybe as a child you were taught that your feelings were irrelevant.

Maybe your home was unpredictable.

Maybe as a way to survive,

You had to detach or dissociate from your feelings.

So as a result,

You end up repressing your feelings.

You end up suppressing your feelings.

Now that's not your fault if that's what you needed to do to survive.

The problem is that if you are still cutting yourself off from your emotions,

Then it's going to be difficult for you to set appropriate boundaries.

When we are in a fight or flight situation,

We might run away from our feelings or we might be so attached to our feelings that we're super,

Super reactive.

And so learning to stand up for ourselves and learning to feel and learning to set a boundary is all part of the adult process or becoming an adult.

If you're codependent,

Then you might feel like an adult in a child's body.

When someone crosses your boundaries,

You might freeze and not know how to respond.

I know that I've been in that situation.

This person said this to me.

And when I went home,

I thought about what she said and I was like,

Say what?

How could she say that to me?

And this is what I should have said.

That happens a lot.

It's in retrospect.

It's when we've come out of that immediate trauma response to freezing to this idea that someone has said something to us and we can have this visceral experience in our body.

In other words,

Our body could send us the message that a boundary has been crossed.

But due to codependency or due to trauma,

CPTSD,

We might freeze in the moment and almost feel like our brain fizzles out from some type of a panic response where we go silent.

We don't know how to protect ourselves.

We don't know how to defend ourselves.

It could be that because we weren't modeled how to have safe conversations around boundaries as a child,

We just don't have the data to know how to do that.

Our parents may have never took the opportunity to negotiate fairly in front of the children.

So we don't know what it looks like to say,

Hey,

Knock that off.

Or I don't like the way that feels or no,

I don't think I want to do that.

Or as children,

We might have said no and we were gaslit or we were criticized or we were mocked or we were told that we didn't have the right to say no.

And so we were disrespected.

And so again,

We have no program or data for how to say to someone,

No,

You have to stop that please,

Or I don't like that,

Or we need to do something else.

It really is like we're missing that chip that allows us to say,

This is what I think and this is what I feel.

This is what I need.

This is what I'm willing to do,

And this is what I'm not willing to do.

And so this idea of standing up for ourselves when someone has crossed a boundary is very complex.

I think a major pitfall to being able to stand up for yourself has to do with not being quite sure that you have a right to say no.

And you might struggle with thinking that someone else's response is your responsibility.

And so when someone shows up and they're angry or they're aggressive or they're accusatory,

They're blaming you for things that you didn't do,

Or they're forcing their opinions on you.

If you're somebody who thinks that it's your responsibility for how someone shows up in your life,

And you think it's your job to smile to make the other person feel better about themselves,

Or you're highly agreeable.

You have a personality trait of agreeableness compared to someone who is more disagreeable or distrusting,

Or who has a more difficult time being forgiving.

So if you're somebody who is highly agreeable,

When you're speaking to someone and they're being intrusive or they're pushing your boundaries,

You might struggle a little bit with feeling like it's your responsibility for how this person feels.

You might feel like it's your job to make this person feel better.

You might feel like if this person's being hostile or accusatory,

That you are responsible or you should feel guilty for what's coming out of this person's mouth.

And I think that's part of the trauma response.

It's like,

We don't know how to respond.

We're wondering if we're responsible for how this person feels.

If you come from a trauma background,

You might be struggling with shame.

This person's angry.

This person disapproves of me.

And if you think about how a child responds when an authority figure lets it be known that they are not happy with this child,

You'll see shame wash over the child.

The child will feel very insecure that this authority figure has seen something or is disapproving of this child.

They did experiments with babies where it was a facial experiment,

Where they asked moms to play with their babies that were sitting in high chairs.

The researchers then asked moms to just go flat,

Like no expression.

Don't smile at the baby.

Just sit right in front of the baby,

But show no emotions.

It's really an uncomfortable experiment to watch because you see these tiny babies laughing and cooing and trying to get an emotional connection from their mom,

But they can't.

And when they can't,

They grow very,

Very uncomfortable in their skin.

Their body is telling them,

Uh-oh,

Something's wrong.

I've lost this contact.

I've lost this bond with this person that I love,

And they're physically uncomfortable in their skin.

This is a limbic response to the disconnect that a child will feel when they no longer feel like they're on the same page with mom,

When they no longer feel like they are on a vibrational match with mom.

Everything's off,

And the child,

No matter what the child has tried to do,

Laughing,

Grabbing at the mom,

Smiling,

Can't make the contact with the mom.

So if you can imagine how a child might feel when a child knows that mommy,

Daddy,

Grandma,

Grandpa,

Or a teacher,

Whoever,

Or even a stranger,

Is disapproving of them.

The child feels responsible for how this person is receiving them.

Children are egocentric.

Everything is their fault,

So they think.

And so when we come from homes like that,

Sometimes we never grow out of that very childlike response to someone else disapproving of us,

Or someone else crossing a boundary,

Someone else being intrusive.

We sort of just feel like there's absolutely no shell to us,

That people can say and do whatever they want to us.

And we can literally have this panic response where we freeze like we did when we were children,

And it feels like we've been violated,

But we don't have the life skills that we were supposed to have been taught as children to push back right away.

Some of us just don't have that default to push someone back.

Many of us just freeze.

Many of us stumble with our words.

Many of us get flushed in the face.

Many of us have this response where our heart is beating out of our chest because a cashier or someone on the road has done something to us that makes us feel uncomfortable and has violated a boundary.

So we don't have the response necessary.

So I wanted to help everybody think about a few things that I think might help them if this sounds like you.

If you struggle to stick up for yourself when someone violates a boundary of yours,

Know that you're not crazy.

Know that this is a very common situation.

Many of us who struggle with self-confidence,

Many of us who are really,

Really struggling to rebuild our self-esteem and our self-confidence after a narcissistic relationship or a bad breakup,

Many of us who came from dysfunctional homes where these are just life skills we never learned.

We're just trying to play catch up.

I remember when I first started on the codependency healing and recovery journey,

I had to come face to face with the reality that I was a child in a grownup's body,

That I was raised by children,

That I was not taught how to think and feel and express myself as an adult.

My ideas,

Even around my boundaries,

Were all screwy.

It took me quite a while to get through this codependent thinking,

To pierce the veil of unconsciousness and to live a more conscious life,

To really look at myself and to figure out what were my values?

What did I hold near and dear to my heart?

What would I tolerate?

What would I not tolerate?

What did I think was worth pushing someone back for?

If there's a Joe Blow on the street and they say something to me,

I really don't waste my time.

If there's somebody who gives me the finger on the road,

I don't waste my time.

If someone is saying something to me online at a grocery store,

I don't really waste my time.

There are just certain things in life that just really aren't worth getting into it with.

If I have an issue,

However,

With a family member and there is the chance of this blowing up and becoming bigger than what it necessarily has to be,

I might want to confront that.

If it has to do with a situation in which someone can get hurt,

I might want to get involved with that.

But a lot of the times,

We really have to figure out whether or not something is worth our time and whether or not something is really worth getting into or hashing out with someone or not.

I think that one of the things that we really need to look at is figure out who in our life is really important to us,

Whose opinion matters,

And certainly if there's something that arises between you and that person,

It may be time to have a conversation about boundaries because it's important to express what your needs are.

If the person cares about you and is empathic,

They'll listen.

If the person doesn't really care about you,

Then you might have held a higher value in that relationship than they actually hold for you and the relationship.

When you're considering what it takes to stand up for yourself,

There's a whole lot that has to go on before you get to that point where you can actually stick up for yourself.

Number one,

Sticking up for yourself means you're an adult.

What I mean by that is that when you are sticking up for yourself,

You are mature.

You have mature ideas.

They're not immature ideas about people and yourself.

For instance,

When you're a mature adult,

You recognize that not everybody has to agree with you.

You recognize that just because you feel a certain way and you have a certain perception doesn't mean it's 100% correct.

It means that if you have something to say to someone that you care about,

You're open to expressing how you feel appropriately,

But you're also open to what this other person has to say for the sake of negotiating an outcome that suits both of you.

That's a very mature thought.

Before I understood codependency,

I was under the assumption that because I was a caretaker and a rescuer and because I did so much for other people,

I was under the assumption that people should read my mind.

If I said I was tired,

Then that meant that you shouldn't call me and ask me if you need a ride to the doctor because I told you this morning that I was tired.

That is going around the mulberry bush for a codependent because codependents struggle with asking for what they really need and asking for what they really want.

Rather than me saying,

I'm tired,

I think I'm just going to relax today,

I think I'm just going to have a self-care day,

And I know that you need a ride to the doctor,

Maybe you can ask so-and-so,

It's just not going to be me today,

I just can't do it.

That's a very adult way of handling a feeling and setting a boundary.

But I didn't know how to do that because I didn't think that what I thought and what I felt was important enough.

I didn't think it was valid.

And mixed in with that was this idea that it was my job to live a life of servitude.

It was my job to be the quicker picker-upper.

It was my job to be the mop and the broom,

Crazy making.

I had no sense of self.

There was no one taking care of Lisa.

Lisa was almost robotic in taking care of and seeking out like a missile,

Trying to figure out what this person needed,

What that person needed,

And trying my best to be what other people needed me to be.

This is the way that I was programmed.

I was programmed to think that what I needed was irrelevant.

And if I dared have a need,

I was labeled selfish.

I was raised by two immature children in adult bodies,

Not their fault because they were both unrecovered adult children of alcoholics.

However,

There were still consequences to being raised by two highly immature,

In my opinion,

Emotionally arrested children who acted like children and who raised my brother,

My sister,

And I to be just as dysfunctional as they were.

And this pattern just continues because life is holographic.

It unfolds because of patterns and programs.

And when I began to realize that,

Oh my God,

I was not thinking like a healthy adult,

I was frustrated,

Then I began to understand that the problem was in the way that I was thinking and I needed to address it.

And I was very in touch with the shame of recognizing that I had done to my children many of the things that my parents had done to me.

And it took a lot of courage and strength to face that fear and to face that reality.

Narcissists don't want to change.

They don't have empathy for their children when they realize they have wounded their children,

They scoff it off.

They don't believe that their children are hurt or they believe that their children deserve to be hurt.

I used to say to my ex-husband,

Like,

You know that what you just said hurt him.

Well,

He should feel that way.

It's good that he feels that way.

You know,

Or you lied to your daughter and she's crying.

Well,

Good.

I'm glad she's crying.

There was no remorse.

There was no guilt.

And without that connection to pain,

Without that connection to empathy for someone else,

Narcissists can't change.

They have no desire to and no reason to.

And how a narcissist works is once you confront the narcissist and you're done with them,

You discard them,

You're done,

Then they go and they find another source of narcissistic supply that is more than happy to idealize them and to reinforce their narcissism.

And so the cycle continues.

And so this idea of being able to stick up for yourself,

Let's just talk about what it takes to be able to do that,

Please.

Because in order to stick up for yourself,

We're assuming that we're adult-like in our thinking.

So number one,

You have to be able to identify your feelings.

Like I said earlier,

Children have a very difficult time identifying their feelings.

They don't know that they have a right to acknowledge this violation.

They don't feel like they have a right to say,

Hey,

Knock it off.

They feel powerless.

They know that people are bigger and stronger than them and that they're dependent upon these people.

And so children generally don't have the ability to stick up for themselves and they don't always know how to identify a particular feeling.

And so in order to stick up for yourself,

You have to be able to center yourself and know how you feel.

The second thing,

You have to be able to recognize when a boundary has been crossed.

And so if you don't know what's important to you,

If you don't know what your values are,

If you don't have a healthy sense of self,

Then you don't know a boundary has been crossed.

I've watched my mom deal with this day in and day out where my father would,

I remember one time,

She worked all day.

My mom was a letter carrier.

She worked all day,

Lived in New York.

She was walking up these steep hills and sometimes she'd slide on the ice when it snowed and it was slippery.

She would come home some days completely exhausted.

Her hair was wet,

Her clothes were drenched,

Cold weather in New York,

You know?

And this one particular day,

I remember sitting there and my mom had just changed into a robe and my father said,

You know,

If you just got a little bit of a tuck,

You can get rid of that wrinkle.

And she just looked at him,

But she never ever really pushed him back.

It was like she froze from his inconsideration and she just,

She was so full of disgust,

But she never set a boundary with him.

She never said,

You just crossed a line,

Dude.

And I was devastated that my mom worked all day.

My dad had the audacity to say this to her and then just act like it was a joke.

It wasn't a joke.

That was the way he let her know that,

You know,

Her age,

She was aging and that he was taking note of it,

Right?

That's the way my dad would let my mom know that he was checking her out and that she should feel a little bit insecure and that he was on it,

You know,

Which is cruel.

Why would you do that?

But in order to be able to push someone back,

Or in this case,

In order for my mom to be able to push my dad back with like,

I'm not putting up with that type of talk.

That's unacceptable that you'd want me to feel bad about the way that I look.

By the way,

You're not working,

I am.

So maybe we need to like rethink how you're showing up right now because I'm not going to tolerate that.

You took a jab at me unnecessarily and no,

It's not funny.

For my mom to be able to say that,

She would have had to recognize that a boundary is actually crossed.

In order to be able to say that,

You need to feel safe,

Right?

You need to know that the person,

At least think that the person that you're talking to is actually going to hear you.

And that is something that my mother did not have.

She did not have the feeling of safety and trust that my father was actually going to listen to her.

So in her case,

She,

I think,

Suffered from learned helplessness.

And so my mother was unable to stick up for herself,

Which is part of why I think I'm so passionate about teaching people how to push back,

Especially with narcissistic others.

Another interesting thing about being able to stick up for yourself is recognizing that and identifying why you need to express yourself.

In other words,

In order for you to stick up for yourself,

You need to recognize what's going to happen if you don't.

You have to have the ability of foresight.

You have to know that,

Uh-oh,

If I don't put a boundary in place now,

X,

Y,

And Z is going to happen.

And I think lots of us who struggle with standing up for ourselves when we freeze,

We're not thinking about what's going to happen in the future if we don't end this now.

We're thinking or we're overwhelmed by a panic response.

Our limbic brain has been activated,

And we're so caught up in the freeze response that we're not thinking about the future.

We're just thinking about now,

Like we're in pain now.

This person's upset with us now.

We don't have the resources or the skillset to push back.

We're just in pure panic mode.

Our brainwashing tells us that it's our fault that this person is saying this to us.

We're so upset that this person doesn't like us.

We're upset about how this person feels.

We're feeling all sorts of guilt and shame.

And so we're just overwhelmed.

And so in order to set a boundary,

You need to be able to see into the future and recognize what's going to happen if I don't set this boundary.

My mom never set a boundary with my dad.

And I think if she had been able to look ahead rather than get stuck all the time and not feeling like she was his equal and feeling super responsible for keeping him happy,

If she had had the ability of foresight,

If she had had the ability of insight and recognized that if I don't shut this guy down now,

What's it going to be like when I'm 70,

72,

And 73?

What's it going to be like when I get older?

And sadly,

When my mom had a stroke,

My dad was angry.

He was angry for a lot of reasons.

And when she needed him,

He was there in some ways,

But in lots of ways,

He wasn't.

Lots of ways,

He was very angry that my mother had a whole bunch of needs,

And she could no longer acquiesce to him.

You need to learn to believe that you can express yourself in an appropriate manner.

This is huge.

So when you need to stick up for yourself,

It's not about becoming this big grizzly bear and screaming and yelling and losing your cool.

It's not about making sure that the other person feels this big.

No,

That's not what this is about.

Sticking up for yourself is recognizing that I have a right to express myself in this situation,

And I know how to keep calm and cool.

And I'm going to express my emotions appropriately without putting the other person down,

Without character assassinating the other person,

Without coming off like I am out of control.

And so being able to stick up for yourself requires you to be able to express yourself calmly,

Intelligently,

Knowing what boundary has been crossed,

Knowing why you need to set the boundary.

And you also have to know that you have the right to express yourself in this way.

Another thing to think about when you want to push someone back is that you cannot be tied to an outcome.

You cannot presume that because you say something,

The other person is going to listen to you.

And so just because you say,

Hey,

I don't like when you come into my room and you go through my closets without asking me,

That does not mean your roommate is going to listen to you.

It might mean that your roommate is just going to say,

Sure,

OK,

I get it.

I'll never do it again.

And when you're at work,

Your roommate does it again.

And so when you're sticking up for yourself,

It's important that you're recognizing this is your first step at negotiating what has just taken place with the hopes that this person can hear you,

Is going to honor you,

And isn't going to do it again.

So you're not tied to the outcome.

Another thing to think about when you're wanting to push a person back so that you can stick up for yourself is that your peace cannot be tied to the idea that this person's character or reactions or behavior is going to absolutely change.

When you set a boundary,

It's almost like you have to be very loosey-goosey about it in the sense that I'm going to open my mouth,

I'm going to tell you what I think,

I'm going to tell you what I need,

I'm going to say it maturely,

I'm not going to character assassinate anyone.

I'm going to just be calm about what it is that I think and feel is taking place.

At the same time,

You're not tied to an outcome and you are not thinking that because you opened your mouth,

This guarantees the other person is going to change.

I think it is immature of someone to say something to their partner and think that just because you said something,

Your partner is going to change.

And so when we're negotiating a boundary,

We're actually in negotiations.

We're saying,

This is what I think and this is what I feel.

Now I want to see what you think and what you feel.

And now I'm going to hold on to myself and see if your behavior changes.

What you're looking for is you want to see if this person values you.

You want to see if this person actually listened to you.

Does this person have empathy for you?

Is this person fair?

Is this person interested in a reciprocal relationship or partnership with you?

When you want to push someone back and stick up for yourself,

You have to accept the consequences.

So again,

You have to state your case,

But you also have to be loose and untethered to an outcome.

So if you're going to confront your best friend about talking about you behind your back or hearing through another friend that your best friend was talking about you poorly behind your back,

If you're going to talk to your friend about that,

You have to accept the consequences.

You have to be able to have insight and foresight.

You have to be able to imagine what your friend is going to say.

And you have to understand that however she responds is how she is going to respond.

So if she gets angry,

You have to accept the consequences of that.

If she no longer wants to be your friend,

You have to accept the consequences of that.

If she's going to go and text your friend who told you what she said,

And this gets bigger and bigger and bigger,

That all has to be part of the consequences,

Accepting the consequences of an outcome that you could not control.

And so when we confront someone,

We always have to recognize that we're not in control of the outcome because you're not in control of the other person.

And whatever happens next,

You have to be willing to accept those consequences.

So you catch your boyfriend lying,

You catch your girlfriend cheating,

And you want to stick up for yourself.

You want to tell the person that you trusted them to be faithful and you have reason to believe that they are unfaithful.

You must accept how you feel,

Accept that you have a right to express your need,

Express your want,

Trust your intuition.

Codependents are notorious for talking themselves out of trusting their intuition.

If you've come from a narcissistic background,

Meaning your childhood,

Or if you were raised by a narcissist,

Or if you were in a narcissistic relationship for any extent of time,

You may have been gaslit and trauma bonded to the point where you no longer trust your instincts.

So you're learning to stick up for yourself.

You're learning about boundaries.

You're learning about speaking your truth and staying in your body and honoring how you feel.

And so you confront the person that you think has been unfaithful.

You have to accept the consequences of confronting this person.

This person might react very well.

This person might react poorly.

But the idea is that when you confront this person,

Whatever happens next,

So if they say that they think that you're crazy,

Or if they say that they think that you're just insecure,

Or if they lie again,

You have to go walk through this process all over again.

Meaning that accept how you feel,

Think about what you're listening to,

And walk through the stages of in the moment of continually sticking up for yourself while remaining cool.

I know it's not easy.

It's not easy to do this.

I'm just giving you a template that you can use and that you can practice so that you understand you can't control the outcome once you stick up for yourself.

And you have to control.

You have to accept the consequences.

Ultimately,

You're in control,

Meaning you can go gray rock.

You can shutty shutty.

You can go no contact.

You can block people on social media.

You can end your relationship.

You can file for divorce.

You can move out of the apartment.

You could move across the country.

You can move to strike your partnership as null and void.

You can speak to an attorney.

There are so many things that you can get up and walk out of the room.

You can end the conversation on the phone.

You can shut your phone off.

You don't have to tolerate being abused.

Now,

Lots of times when you stick up for yourself,

The person that you are confronting isn't going to be happy.

Because lots of times when we're highly agreeable,

We tend to attract people who are highly disagreeable.

And they like us because you're agreeing with them,

Which is good for them.

You're not confronting them.

You're easy to tolerate.

You're easy to be around because you're not going to confront them.

And so it's difficult when you start sticking up for yourself,

When you start setting a boundary.

People usually like this who are highly disagreeable,

Who can be antisocial,

Who could even be clingy with you and just want you to be their source of everything.

When you start pushing that person back,

They're not going to be happy.

And that's why I think it's important that when you stick up for yourself,

You have to recognize that you have to accept the consequences of that.

And if you need to set a stronger boundary,

Then you need to set the boundary.

You need to go all the way.

You can't back down once you begin setting a boundary.

So another thing is that you won't crumble if this person decides to no longer speak to you,

Be your friend,

Or have anything to do with you.

And you also recognize that you might be the person that needs to walk away.

Because you can't control the outcome,

Because you can't control how this other person reacts to you needing to stick up for yourself.

You have to help your brain be liberated,

Because fear prevents us from setting boundaries.

We're afraid of abandonment.

We're afraid of the repercussions.

We're afraid of a smear campaign.

We're afraid of losing our job sometimes.

We're just afraid of rocking the boat.

So the limbic brain gets activated.

And we have been gaslit to believe that it's our fault that we are upset.

It's our fault.

And so how do you set a boundary with someone like a narcissist who has seeded this idea into your head that it's your fault that we're actually having difficulties?

How do you set a boundary when that is your programming?

So I think one of the things that we can do is we can help prepare our brain for the OK Corral moment.

We can help prepare our brain to come out of the limbic brain by thinking clearly about the possibility that this person may abandon us,

And learning to be OK with that.

Which is,

If we could all do that,

Holy Hannah.

We would really ascend spiritually and consciously to a place that is so foreign to so many of us.

We'd be in a state of detachment,

Healthy detachment,

Spiritual detachment,

Where we would.

And it's weird,

Because when you think about spirituality and oneness,

It means that you understand there's no such thing as separation.

But to get there,

You need to detach from your ideas about other people.

You need to detach from your fears.

You need to heal your abandonment,

Which means you're pulling back from codependency.

You're pulling back from seeking the outer world's validation,

Which is amazing.

And really,

The journey from codependency is a spiritual journey,

Because you eventually come to a place where you realize that it is so dysfunctional to seek the validation from the external world.

And that is the hook.

Whether it's social media with likes and followers and whatever,

Or it's a narcissistic relationship in which a narcissist has lured you in and conditioned you to believe that your job is to seek their constant approval.

And at any point in time,

They can pull that approval away from you and cause you to implode,

Cause a severe emotional reaction in you to the point where you end up fawning and people-pleasing as a trauma response to gain the graces of the narcissist back or the toxic person back.

Your job really on this planet as a spiritual evolving being is to end that cycle of attachment to others.

And if you do that,

That's pretty amazing.

You're going to experience a tremendous spiritual awakening.

And so we can help our brains by recognizing that that is the goal,

That we want to live in a spiritually detached place yet know where we are extensions of everything.

There is only one oneness essentially that we all are a part of.

And we can do that by helping our brain recognize that this person is a grown adult and they can walk away if they get highly offended.

And I may need to also walk away if this person can't meet me halfway because I'm developing insight and foresight.

I can see what's going to happen if I don't start setting these boundaries.

The writing is on the wall.

So that's a really important key to like start practicing in your mind.

Boundaries with other people and sticking up for yourself means that you are thinking like an adult and you are learning to be comfortable with disagreements with other people.

This is a very adult move,

You know,

To be able to sit across from your spouse or your partner or your children or your mother or your father and know that you disagree with them.

Know that they disagree with you and not implode is amazing.

It's so liberating.

It's so freeing.

And it's just it brings so much contentment and peace and you can experience so much joy and authenticity when you recognize that it's okay that people disagree.

So sticking up for yourself and the ability to push people back and to assert a boundary before doing so will require you to grow more comfortable with the idea that not everybody has to agree with you.

You see,

Just because you stick up for yourself doesn't mean that the person that you're speaking to is going to agree with you.

Just because you say,

Hey,

I don't like that we handle our business meetings this way and I feel like you're being a little pushy or I feel like you're being a little intimidating and I don't like it doesn't mean that your partner is going to agree with you.

So it's important that we recognize that when we stick up for ourselves,

Sometimes it's going to end up where we just have to agree to disagree.

Another thing to remember when you are learning to push people back is that in some cases you sticking up for yourself is going to lead to a negotiation.

It may not lead to where you take the ball and you go home,

Meaning that everything goes your way.

If you think about a two year old,

A two year old thinks and expects everything should go her way.

Even a three year old thinks everything should go their way.

And if they're not,

You know,

They can be a little passive aggressive little buggers,

You know,

And do things that they're not supposed to do on spite.

And if you think about a lot of adults that you know,

A lot of adults act that way,

Right?

So you say something to your best friend and you think she hears you or you think he hears you and then you find out that he's done some passive aggressive move.

He suddenly forgot to call the Uber for you,

Even though he said he was going to call the Uber,

You don't know,

You don't have a ride home and he forgot to call the Uber for you.

Right?

So it's so immature.

That's so passive aggressive.

It's like ridiculous,

Right?

And so when you are learning to stick up for yourself,

You have to remember that you may end up negotiating and you may not win.

You may not walk away with the whole kit and caboodle.

Let's say you're married and your spouse wants to invite,

You know,

50 people for Thanksgiving dinner,

And you're feeling overwhelmed because you do the bulk of the cooking.

You do the bulk of the cleaning.

You do the bulk of the shopping and you're going to end up being the one who is entertaining the guests.

And let's say you wanted to invite,

You know,

Maybe 30 people from your side.

So now we're talking about 80 something odd people for Thanksgiving dinner,

Right?

No bueno or in some cases,

Maybe it's really bueno for you,

But that would like put me over the edge personally.

So you're feeling like maybe,

Right?

You're feeling aggravated,

So you're acknowledging how you feel and you're recognizing that you have a right to express yourself.

You're being authentic.

You're staying in your body.

You're listening to your feelings.

You know that you can't stay passive aggressive and say yes when you mean no,

You really need to speak up for yourself.

And you also know that sticking up for yourself in this situation,

Because you feel that maybe a boundary has been crossed by inviting so many people without asking you first,

Which is fair,

Right?

Sounds rational to me.

And so now rather than just stuff your feelings like a codependent person would,

Or somebody who is highly agreeable and somebody who doesn't know how to express themselves,

You're learning to stick up for yourself.

So you say to your partner,

I think we need to discuss our guest list because I'm feeling overwhelmed.

And I'm feeling a little disrespected because I feel like you should have told me,

Or at least we should have come together and discussed the guest list prior to sending out an e-vite.

So you've addressed this issue with your partner comfortably,

Consciously,

Compassionately,

And sufficiently and adequately.

You didn't character assassinate your partner.

You just said,

This is how I feel.

This is why I feel what I feel.

And this is what I think we could have done.

And you can also explain that had I invited 50 people without asking you,

We would literally have 100 people for dinner.

So now you're talking about insight and foresight.

That's in that situation.

But you can also recognize that if you don't set a boundary in this relationship now around this type of situation,

You have other holidays to contend with.

You need your partner to know that this is not cool for you,

For them to go ahead and invite people to your home for dinner,

A dinner that you're going to be responsible to shop and cook for without asking you,

Without a conversation.

When you're having this conversation,

You're also recognizing that there is always the possibility that your partner is not going to agree with you,

That they might turn around and say,

Well,

You told me I could invite whoever I wanted.

Now what do you do?

Because maybe you actually said that.

You didn't expect your partner to invite 50 people,

But you did say invite whoever you wanted.

So now you need to negotiate.

So now you have to stay calm,

And you have to acknowledge,

Well,

I did say that,

And I'm sorry I said that.

It seems that you took me literally.

What would I have done if you invited 100 people?

So we need to talk about this,

And we need to resolve this issue,

Because I am more comfortable with both of us perhaps inviting 25 people.

So how do you feel about cutting your list to 25?

This way we have 50 people for dinner.

So my point is that sticking up for yourself is a very complicated process,

And it's very easy to tell someone,

Oh,

You should just stick up for yourself.

But if you're just going to go and confront someone and yell at them and think it's always going to have to be your way,

And you're just going to cut people off because it doesn't always go your way,

You really have to rethink that,

Because that's what a child does.

An adult negotiates.

An adult talks about how they feel.

An adult gives the other person an opportunity to say,

OK,

Let's see what's going to happen next.

Of course,

Unless it is just such a blatant disrespect,

Your best friend is like trying to hook up with your boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

Like,

You know,

I'm cutting you off.

Like,

We're not negotiating anything.

But again,

It's situational.

It's not a black and white situation.

There is a lot of gray when we need to stick up for ourselves and stand up for ourselves.

I just hope that this list of things that you can think about when you're considering sticking up for yourself makes a lot of sense to you.

And I hope that you're able to integrate it into your mindset,

And maybe it'll even help you make positive mindset shifts about what it means to actually stick up for yourself,

Hold on to yourself,

And create a desired outcome that is best for you and maybe even the people that you do love and care about in your life.

Reviews

This is a really good one! Thank you, Lisa! Now I understand why I have such a visceral reaction when I feel compelled to stand up for myself. Thank you for shining this light for me b/c now I can do some profound work on this 💖

this is so helpful. i especially like the reminder that i need to accept the consequences of standing up for myself. which kinda sounds bad but it’s actually very empowering 🌙🎃🌻🧡🌞💛✨🍁🌙🧡

Another deep & meaningful talk from Lisa. Thank you Lisa 🥰. I want to listen to all of your talks, because you have so much learned wisdom to impart 🙏🏼🤍🌸🌻🕊️

Really helpful. Many thanks Lisa ❤️🙏💫

Thank you for this Lisa. You and this episode came to me at the exact instant I needed both in my healing journey. I’m grateful ❤️🙏

Thanks 🙏🏻