Should You Leave Or Stay In Your Relationship

Are you in a relationship causing you to question whether you should stay or leave? It can be challenging to trust our decision-making process when our hearts are involved, which is why some clear-cut guidelines can help you confidently make life decisions. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano, Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach, helps you get clear about what types of relationships are worth saving or not.

Transcript

Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa a Romano.

I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness Rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to break through podcast This can be sort of a slippery slope when we are in a relationship with someone that we are discovering that we just Can't stand or we are discovering that there are just things about this person that are growing More and more irritable and they are becoming more and more difficult to ignore So then the question is well,

I'm in a relationship and I'm not supposed to focus on changing someone I'm supposed to focus on changing myself.

Where is the line?

I found myself struggling with this in my first marriage when there were things about my ex that I just found that they Increasingly annoyed me more over time and it got to a point where it was I just couldn't handle it anymore.

One of those things was passive aggressiveness and In therapy my ex was told by whoever it was that he was seeking therapy from that It was totally fine to be passive-aggressive and I thought okay Well,

If he's going to be passive-aggressive and I don't like it.

What do I do with that?

Am I supposed to just live with someone who is passive-aggressive?

And a lot of other personality traits come along with someone who is passive-aggressive And I found myself stuck,

You know Not knowing what to do in this situation and growing more and more unhappy for me I discovered that I couldn't get close to this person.

I couldn't grow in the relationship with this person It always felt like there was a chipping away of any Possibility or potential for the relationship to grow and in my situation It seemed like my partner was okay with that that status quo or that Stagnation was something that he was quite comfortable with but I was not and so I found myself struggling with where is this line?

And I began to really think about it and I thought you know what I have a right to Ask my partner to change as much as my partner has the right to ask me to change if there is something about me If there's something that I do and it annoys you it is up to my partner to tell me and it is up to me To run it through my filter and my mind to have a long talk with myself and to figure out am I being annoying?

Or am I being short-sighted or am I being self-absorbed?

Am I doing something that is preventing my partner from feeling safe?

Am I doing something that is preventing my partner from feeling close with me?

And that is really important to me.

And I think that's why honesty and open communication non-violent communication and having the ability to have these types of discussions with someone that you love and You should presumably trust and who respects you are so important in a relationship a relationship Must be a place where two people can grow and if there is not honest communication If the two people don't have a common goal,

Then the relationship won't grow in a relationship It's okay to ask your partner to change if there is something that's happening in your relationship That prevents the two of you from getting closer together What might that look like?

Well,

Maybe you have a partner that flirts and it makes you feel very uncomfortable that they're using this sexual energy in a way That you feel should be reserved for the two of you You have a right to ask your partner to change that behavior if your partner drinks too much You have a right to ask your partner to change that behavior If your partner is a gambler You have a right to ask your partner to change that behavior if your partner parades around in her underwear in front of your family You have a right to ask your partner not to do that and to change that behavior Whatever it is that you're struggling with if it's something that you feel it's making you feel Unsafe it's making you feel Disrespected and it's preventing the two of you from getting closer together in my opinion You have a right to ask your partner to change this to look at it.

Now.

Here is the problem however When you have a partner and this will derail your ability to get close with your partner when you have a partner who?

Turns the tables on you and because you are addressing a problem They then in turn say that you are the problem because you are addressing a problem That is going to prevent your relationship from changing You have to figure out does this person have the ability to acknowledge a problem?

Does this person have the ability to care about how I feel about the problem that I am perceiving?

Does my partner have the willingness to change what I feel is hurting our relationship?

And maybe just me does my partner care about?

How I feel and is my partner willing and capable of Changing in my relationship with my ex I found myself Feeling very handcuffed to the dynamics because there was no willingness to Accept that there was a problem when I opened my mouth.

I was called negative.

I was called crazy I it was all in my head.

I was selfish for wanting things to change.

I had no right to change I should be happy with the way things were I was self-absorbed for wanting more more what I wanted to be close to my ex I wanted to feel like we were on the same page So problem number one is that you have this problem for me was passive aggressiveness.

It was denial It was just devaluing my opinion it was Not coming home when you say you're gonna come home.

It was stuff that was happening with the in-laws It was stuff that was happening at work various things happened over and over and over That I felt needed to be addressed and cleared and so those were the initial problems But then I realized that when I addressed these problems this person my ex would then deny that a problem Existed so now I had another problem.

I had the denial of the problem then in addition to that problem What happened was I was?

Defined as the problem for Recognizing a problem and so I didn't I was in such a conundrum Because how do you fix a hole in the wall that someone else created that they say doesn't exist?

And what do you do?

When you're standing there And you're saying you just banged a hole in the wall and the person who banged the hole in the wall saying I didn't bang A hole in the wall you're crazy.

You know you're making stuff up.

There's no hole in the wall They're denying that there's a hole in the wall.

What do you do in that situation when then?

You are accused of not seeing things correctly you are accused of being a negative person Because you're acknowledging that there's a hole in the wall And what do you do if this person that you're dealing with says I'm not going to Fix the hole in the wall well That's a terrible place to be in because this is your partner and in order for you to feel happy in your relationship You need to feel safe you need to feel like the relationship can grow so we have The right to ask our partner to change and to adjust Things that they're doing and or saying or how they're behaving because it's our relationship this person is our partner We have a house together.

We pay bills together.

We raise children together.

We have a business together.

Whatever it is We're going through life together,

So it's not just me.

It's you so what you do affects me So therefore I have a right to bring to your attention things that I feel Might be causing us to experience Unnecessary turbulence in our lives,

But here's the thing when you are locked in a relationship Dynamic with someone who refuses to see the problem who then says your problem because you address the problem Who denies is a problem who is unwilling to acknowledge the problem and who is incapable of change?

Then you have a ton of other problems that are so different than the original problem You have to decide for yourself then what you're going to do next and this is a really really difficult Place to find yourself in when you have a family when you have children When you started a life off with this someone and I think it gets even more Complicated by so many people in the self-help industry who are saying you can't change anyone You can only change yourself what we have to figure out then is where do we stand in this like?

Where is our power?

Where do we fit in this situation when we have a partner who we think needs to change?

But refuses to change and says we're the problem I think we have to recognize that there's a big difference between Dealing with someone who has a drinking problem doesn't accept the problem or someone who's flirting or someone who's gambling or someone?

Who's obnoxious in front of the family someone who puts the kids down?

I think we have to separate and flesh out those types of experiences Versus the person who seems to forget the milk on the way home because they're distracted Or they're angry about the traffic and they just wanted to get home.

There's a huge difference so we need some logic and reason or The person who just doesn't wear the right the shoes that you think they should wear you think they should change the way that they dress You're asking this person to change something about themselves That is very personal to them that really doesn't affect you right so we got to be careful because there are people out there That want to change the way their partners look partner that's trying to change something That's very personal about you that is not affecting the relationship I think that is very toxic and is the thing that I'm asking my partner to change is it something that is detrimental to our relationship in a very tangible way for instance gambling cheating flirting and drinking and hurting the children and using toxic language and Belittling belittling you that is absolutely directly affecting you and if this person changed it would accelerate the growth in your marriage So that's very different than being upset that your partner wears Sneakers that you don't like or your partner doesn't behave or act for the camera the way that you want them to When you have a partner that doesn't believe in what you want you cannot grow in a relationship With a partner who refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem You cannot grow in a relationship with a partner who blames you for bringing up the problem You cannot grow in a relationship with a partner who makes you feel like because you addressed a part a problem You are the problem and this happens so often in relationships where there's something wrong We want to address it it has to do with something that's happening with our partner And we start to get a little wobbly about you know do I have a right to want to change this so I think the end Of the day we have Decisions that we have to make and let's face it relationships are very serious.

You know they're legal binding business contracts in America you are going into business with your marriage partner You will file taxes together your marriage is like a business you will you will collect taxes you will pay taxes You will own a home you will go into a contract with the bank these are business negotiations This these are business contracts And if God forbid the relationship doesn't work out you have to go into another type of business Arrangement has to do with alimony and child support and child rearing There's a lot that is involved and at stake when people decide to couple and get married and so inside Relationships we have to make decisions.

We have to decide this is something that I can live with am I just being super sensitive Am I being a little narcissistic myself?

Am I wanting my partner to wear his hair a certain way is that kind of silly is that important?

Does it really affect our relationship,

Or am I just picking on him?

I might not be happy with it,

But it's not affecting our marriage versus is my wife Cheating is my wife flirting does my wife drink too much does she become someone else when she drinks?

Am I hearing things about my wife from my business partners when I'm not there is my husband gambling is He spending way too much money at the racetrack is he lying to me is my husband lying about assets?

Is he opening up businesses and signing my name forging my name these are different very very different things than a haircut and a couple Of pounds that you gain naturally after having babies,

Right?

So we want to make sure that they were very clear about the thing that that is bothering us And then we have to decide is this something that I can live with is this something I cannot live with what we have to Figure out is is this thing that we're looking to change How big of an issue is it really is it a want or is it a need is this something that I can learn to?

Live with and then I need to just grow up around and let go or is this something that I?

Absolutely has to change and it's a deal-breaker for me,

So if you are dealing with a deal-breaker in my opinion You have every right in the world to ask your partner to change to expect your partner to change But you have to figure out can this partner see the problem is this partner willing to work towards the problem is this partner?

Capable of changing is this partner however making me the problem because I address the problem does real change ever happen Or is it a bunch of lip service these are things that we have to really think about seriously And we have to hold our partners accountable if and when they begin engaging in behaviors that are detrimental to our Relationship at the end of the day if you're in a relationship you want to feel like you can grow with this person you want To feel safe with this person You want to feel that this person has your best interest at heart And if you have someone who is toxic and who is creating chaos in your life,

And they can't even see the problem dear one You've got a bigger problem than the original problem

Reviews

My partner is very deflective and defensive. He always feels like I am judging or criticising him when I bring up issues within the home or his behaviour (like saying he is going to do something and not doing it). We’re in a stepfamily dynamic where his kids live with us full time. It is very challenging for me and all I want is support from my partner but when I ask for it, he doesn’t seem to think my reasons for needing support are valid or even real. Maybe I am a bit judgemental of how he raises his kids but I am learning to let go of that. It’s the constant deflection and turning things around to make me out to be the abuser and him the victim. I honestly am not doing that, and have never done that. He acknowledged that he can be defensive and that he’d look at that BUT, he has said this before, many times, and we still land up having conflict over it. I sometimes feel like he thinks I’m his ex wife who was all the things he makes me feel like I am, but am not.

Very helpful. Thanks for sharing your story.

this is great info even when it comes to friendships- as they can also be toxic. thanks lisa

Thank you for your wisdom 🙏

Open dialog and the ability to view things from another perspective is key 🙏

Change is inevitable. Growth is optional 🙃

Very clarifying thank you

Thank you 🩷