Narcissists Seek Out Empathic Others: Here's Why

If you've ever found yourself in the throws of a toxic relationship, you know all too well how charismatic a narcissistic can be, and how attentive their actions seem when first meeting them. This behavior, however, is a lure, which eventually devolves into a life of feeling dazed, confused, anxious, and full of self doubt. Narcissistic abuse takes on various shades and many flavors, however, generally, narcissists play by the same rule book and the more you identify the patterns before you jump into relationships, the better able you will be to avoid potentially soul-sucking dynamics

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

It's really important for us to discuss narcissistic abuse,

To call it out,

And to identify it,

Because in today's society,

A society that is so highly competitive,

A society that actually encourages somebody to be opportunistic and to climb to the top,

I think it's important that as we become less inclined to be socially connected to other people due to the internet and social media,

We have to recognize that narcissism is on the rise.

We need to be more and more aware of people who have high narcissistic traits,

Especially if you're somebody who suffers from codependency or somebody who has a high empathy or who's highly sensitive,

Because you are actually a target for narcissistic abuse and the abuse by a narcissist.

Narcissistic abuse is emotional abuse,

And it is a form of narcissistic projection.

So narcissists,

What they do is they project how they feel about themselves,

The aspects of their personalities that have not been integrated,

Have not been healed,

And that they struggle with,

And they project it onto others.

So primarily,

Narcissistic abuse is related to,

And better known and understood as a form of emotional and psychological abuse,

So they get inside your head.

You end up doubting yourself,

And you're confused,

And you're perplexed,

And you're hooked.

But we also have to understand that narcissists can abuse us sexually,

Physically,

Financially,

And spiritually as well.

And so number one,

Narcissists look for highly sensitive,

Forgiving,

Empathic people to project their abuse upon.

So like I said earlier,

Those of us with codependency traits who don't feel good enough,

Who take on the feelings of other people,

We feel guilty,

We feel like it's our responsibility to help other people,

We are prime targets for narcissistic abuse.

So narcissists use love bombing to create trauma bonds.

So this intermittent validation with the narcissist,

Where they love you,

They idealize you,

You as a highly empathic person think,

Oh,

This is the person I've been searching for,

And they love me too.

Look how much they love me.

And then before long,

You're minimized,

Or you begin to feel devalued in some way,

And it triggers your abandonment trauma.

And so now we have a trauma bond.

And once emotionally and even physically addicted to the narcissist and this abuse cycle,

It can become nearly impossible to understand the deep level of abuse that's actually going on.

So narcissists first will pull you in through love bombing.

So if you've ever met somebody who just tells you,

You're awesome,

You're gorgeous,

You're so sexy,

Nobody understands me like you,

You and I are meant to be together,

You hardly know this person.

You may not understand that perhaps they've been studying you,

That perhaps they've been stalking you on social media,

Perhaps they've been following you.

You don't know.

This could be someone that you met for five minutes,

Or somebody who that you don't even know has been watching you from afar.

But what you will notice when you meet somebody who is a narcissist is their amazing ability to make you feel seen immediately.

And we have to learn to pull back and see that as a warning sign.

So once a victim is hooked romantically,

Then through a series of ongoing events,

What will happen is you will absolutely feel hooked once you're hooked,

Whether it's through a marriage,

Whether it's through pregnancy,

Whether it's a business agreement.

Once you're hooked into some type of contractual agreement with the narcissist,

Or once the narcissist knows that you feel sorry for them,

And you feel like it's your responsibility to take care of them,

After that,

After they're so positively sure that you're hooked,

That's when their mask will begin to slip.

So narcissists lack self-esteem.

At their core,

They're incredibly insecure,

Although that's what they don't want you to see.

They have to act in the opposite way of appearing like they have low self-esteem.

So they'll brag about themselves,

They'll minimize the accomplishments of other people.

And this is all in an attempt to get people to believe that they really do love themselves and they are capable.

But at their core,

They're incredibly insecure and feel inadequate.

So everything that they feel about themselves,

They project onto their victims.

So if they are untrustworthy,

They accuse you of being untrustworthy.

The narcissist never assumes responsibility and will always blame the partner for everything and anything that goes wrong.

And so if they're wrong,

If they've done something wrong,

They spin it,

They project it onto you.

No,

You're the one who did that wrong.

This is all your fault.

Narcissists enjoy gaslighting their victims.

And what they're trying to do is basically gaslighting as a form of brainwashing,

Where they want you to question your reality.

So they feel insecure and they want you to feel insecure.

They also triangulate.

So they will summon the troops against you,

Even if there's nothing going on that's wrong in your relationship.

What they're trying to do is they're trying to secure another form of narcissistic supply if and when the relationship goes south.

So they enjoy making you out to be the bad guy and they will triangulate you against other office employees,

Against your family.

So narcissists obviously are not,

They don't commit to a relationship,

Right?

They're there physically,

But they're not there emotionally,

Even though they'll accuse you of not being there emotionally.

And there are people who are constantly looking to manipulate everyone in their vicinity,

Everyone that they know.

And they want people to see you as the problem in case you ever go out there and you start talking about what's really going on,

They've already jumped the gun.

They've already begun to pull together their flying monkeys.

If you dare to confront a narcissist,

Right,

You will be swiftly punished.

So if you're dealing with somebody who yells and screams and gives you the silent treatment or physically becomes physically abusive,

Right,

Then this is something that is indicative of a narcissistic personality.

They will smear your name and they will become fixated on destroying you.

They're extremely sensitive to criticism.

And if you confront them head on,

Then there is a swift response.

And this is not healthy,

Obviously.

No one likes to be criticized.

No one's happy when someone says,

Hey,

I don't like that you did that.

Or can we talk about this?

I'm uncomfortable.

But in the case of a narcissist,

The reaction to that is extreme.

It's swift.

And it's meant to punish the victim and to make them fear being abandoned in some way or punished by daring to confront this person.

So the discard phase occurs when the narcissist has secured another form of supply.

So this could be a new best friend.

You know,

You could have a friend who has high narcissistic traits and you start saying,

You know what,

I noticed that I'm more committed to this relationship than you are.

And what will happen then is then you will be discarded and your friend will find another form of narcissistic supply.

They won't be willing to work it out.

Or if you have a friend that you have been catering to who is very needy,

And in the case of a covert narcissist,

And you've been catering to their emotions and catering to taking care of them and making sure that you're always there for them.

And the moment you're not there for them and they sense that you have abandoned them or they don't feel like you see them as important or the center of your life anymore,

Then there will be a swift discard by them.

And usually this is followed up with some type of a smear campaign or some campaign to make you look like the bad guy so that they can justify their reaction,

Their swift reaction to their feeling abandoned by you.

So it could be a new lover.

So you can be in a relationship with somebody and narcissists are known to cheat.

And if you call a narcissist out on the cheating and they get a sense that you are nearing the end of the relationship,

Then they will secure a new narcissistic supply.

If you're in a business relationship and the business starts to go down,

Then you will be discarded as the business partner finds a new business partner,

A new source of supply.

And they will go through the whole idealization.

They will idealize their new lover,

Their new best friend,

Their new business partner.

And then the abuse cycle begins to happen all over again.

So understanding what's really going on is that this idea that narcissists have an immature ego and they're rooted in shame and a sense of entitlement and exploitation.

So let's talk about the traits of narcissism.

So love bombing.

We talked about that earlier where to get you hooked,

The narcissist has to secure you.

They've got to make sure you trust them,

That you think they're awesome,

That you think they think that you're awesome too.

And so now you're in their heart space.

Actually,

No,

Now they feel like they're in your heart space,

Right?

So that's where they can do the most damage.

So narcissists have a sense of entitlement.

So rules don't apply to them.

So they cut the line.

They cheat on their taxes.

They cheat on you.

They lie to other people.

They make promises to vendors that they can't fulfill.

They make promises to family members they have no intentions of fulfilling.

So they have the sense of entitlement.

Rules don't apply.

They don't care how other people feel if they disappoint them.

They have no intentions of following through.

They say anything to look good in the moment.

And they really don't care about the consequences of their actions.

And the sense of entitlement is it goes as far as they feel entitled to do what they feel at the expense of other people.

And they don't care what the expense is to other people.

So they are opportunistic.

So they take advantage of others.

They take advantage of your kindness,

Of your warmth,

Of how you nurture people.

They will take advantage of you financially.

They will exploit you sexually.

They will exploit you spiritually.

They will exploit you mentally.

So they take advantage of other people.

Like I said earlier,

If they can steal and make an excuse for taking something from someone else,

Let's say a store,

They have no problem taking advantage of store owners,

Of other businesses.

So there's a sense that I'm an opportunist.

And if there's an opportunity to take something from somebody else,

Then I'm going to take it.

So that's really a true narcissistic trait that we need to pay attention to in our society.

So gaslighting,

We talked about this earlier.

So this is a form of brainwashing that causes victims to doubt their sanity.

And it's done to increase a sense of insecurity in business partners,

In lovers,

And even in their children.

And this is also just to maintain power and control over other people,

Because at the core,

A narcissist feels so powerless.

And below the veil of consciousness,

How they act this out is through the ego,

An immature and reactive ego.

Well,

I'm going to control you,

Because I feel so out of control.

And my ability to control other people gives me a sense of control.

So they lie.

Narcissists lie.

And they exaggerate.

You can't trust anything that they say,

Right?

They distort facts.

So this is also a high narcissistic trait.

They lie about you.

They lie about events.

They lie about their children.

They lie about losing jobs.

They lie about why they lost jobs.

They lie about who's texting them.

They lie about where they've been.

They lie about whether or not they love you.

A narcissist cannot hold true to truth.

There's also narcissists are the people in society that have extreme reactions to stress and extreme and strong reactions when criticized.

So they can become very,

Very aggressive.

If you've ever dealt with somebody who has been physically violent,

Because you ask to sit down and have a conversation.

Domestic violence.

I think people who suffer from domestic violence,

I think it would very much help them to understand and to study narcissism and to understand that if you suffer from codependency,

You become a target for narcissistic rage.

And so if you are dealing with somebody who stonewalls you,

Who stops talking to you,

Who withholds sex as a form of punishment because you accuse them of something or you wanted to talk to them about something,

This is a trait,

A narcissistic trait.

And narcissists lack empathy for others and they violate all boundaries.

So you wanting to feel seen by a narcissist,

It's not going to happen.

You cry,

They'll minimize you.

You tell them that they hurt your feelings.

They laugh at you.

They mock you.

They humiliate you.

They have zero empathy for what you're experiencing.

And it's important for us in society,

If we're having a conversation with somebody and you notice that this person doesn't mirror your emotions.

For instance,

You're dating somebody for six,

Seven or eight months and you say,

Wow,

I had a tough day at work today.

And that person is an inquisitive,

Like,

What do you mean?

Oh,

Well,

The boss was unusually irritable and my coworker was supposed to finish this project and they didn't finish the project.

And this person that you're dealing with comes back and minimizes you and says,

You shouldn't feel that way.

Or you have a problem with everybody.

If they don't mirror back,

Wow,

That sounds tough.

That's a red flag.

If you recognize any of these traits in someone you know,

Someone you're dating,

Someone you have dated,

Someone that you've worked with,

It's very important for you to understand the value of boundaries,

Self-love and protecting yourself from these types of predator personalities.

And so I hope that this has expanded your awareness of narcissism and giving you some food for thought so that you can continue on the path to self-love,

Self-understanding,

Self-compassion,

Self-empathy,

And to attracting the types of relationships that are absolutely loving and healthy.

Thank you so much for being here.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Thank you! This helped me get clear on how to break my own attraction to trauma bonded, emotionally abusive relationships. Life changing! Thanks again.

Always so informative. Thank you!