Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,
The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,
Authentic self.
I'm Lisa A.
Romano,
Your host.
As an award-winning author and certified life coach,
I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.
I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false selves.
My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.
In this podcast,
I'll share insights,
Tools,
And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.
So today we're going to be talking about narcissists,
Why they lie,
And what we can do about it.
And so let's get a couple of things straight.
Narcissism is about lying,
And narcissism is about the need to flee from this fractured sense of self,
This pit of shame that we feel within our being.
So when we are a narcissist,
We think in very stark black and white realities,
And we have these realities of others as well as ourselves.
So if I am a narcissist,
I see myself as either all good and amazing or all bad,
And I mean really bad.
And so what neuroscientists have figured out is that narcissists actually,
When they lie,
The amygdala is suppressed.
The amygdala is responsible for the fight or flight response in our bodies.
And so lying to a narcissist is actually calming.
It has this anesthetic effect,
If you will.
So narcissism,
In my opinion,
Should be understood as the need to lie.
And when we understand,
When we're dealing with a narcissist,
That their brain is wired to seek pleasure in the form of lying.
And so not lying or telling the truth is associated with pain.
Because if I tell the truth,
I lose control.
If I tell the truth,
Then I'm not this amazing person that I need you to be in order for me to survive my reality.
And so I have to lie to you.
And I need you as a source of narcissistic supply because lying to you allows me an arena.
That's why social media is so profound these days when it comes to narcissism,
Because there are so many ways for a narcissist to infiltrate and to receive this glory that they seek,
This reflection.
So narcissism is about needing you to reflect back this sense of enoughness,
This sense of I'm amazingness,
Right?
So I'm better than everybody and I need you to think that I'm better than everybody.
And I need to think that I'm better than everybody because I need to find a way to stay away from this pit of shame within me.
And so I need you.
I need to lie.
I need to create this fantasy,
This grandiose fantasy in my head.
And the fantasy could be that I am the biggest victim in the room.
The fantasy could be that even though I'm cheating on you,
You know,
I cheat on you because I had a shitty childhood.
I cheat on you because my father beat me.
I cheat on you because I watched my mother cheat on my father.
You know,
When I cheat on you,
I'm not concerned about how that makes you feel,
Right?
So in the world of a narcissist,
When a narcissist does something that is,
You know,
Wrong or morally or ethically inappropriate within the context of a relationship,
They may be able to say,
Yeah,
I cheated,
But I cheated because,
You know,
Playing off your sympathies,
Wanting you to see them as a victim.
In their head,
They don't see themselves as a person who hurt you.
In their head,
They see themselves as a victim.
This is why narcissism is so complex and is so psychologically abusive.
And we need to talk about it.
We need to understand ourselves.
We need to understand what we're dealing with,
Right?
Once you know what you're dealing with,
Then you can play with it.
Then you have some control over it.
But until you know what you're playing with,
You are lost in a world of gaslighting.
And you can stay there for years.
You can stay there for a lifetime.
And so we understand that narcissism is about the need to lie.
We understand that narcissism is about splitting,
Like stark black and white thinking,
Where they themselves see themselves as either amazing or terrible,
I mean,
Awful,
You know,
The worst people that ever roamed the face of the earth.
The other problem is that they also see us that way.
And so when you confront a narcissist,
If you are not projecting back how wonderful you think they are or how much a victim you think they are,
If you're not catering to them and their version of themselves,
Guess what?
You get thrown into the junk pile.
And because you threaten their ability to stay in control,
You now become a target.
They can become vindictive.
This is when the smear campaigns start.
This is when they lie about you.
This is when they distort reality.
This is where they actually make up stories.
So there are facts that can back up your reality.
But in the world of a narcissist,
Those facts don't exist.
They will literally concoct a story about you and about the situation that did not happen.
And so some of the things that narcissists will lie about is they'll lie about loving you.
They'll say things like,
I never loved anyone as much as I loved you.
I love you.
I never felt this way before.
So they'll love bomb you.
I would never hurt you.
I don't have it in me to cheat.
I would never hit you.
I would never psychologically abuse you.
You can rely on me.
All of these fantasy type lies that cause you to want to believe in the future fantasy that the narcissist is constructing,
This is part of their hook.
This is part of their allure.
This is part of their love bombing.
And you as a rational person,
When you receive this information,
I would never do this to you.
I would never hurt you.
That's you.
They're mirroring you.
They know you would never hurt them,
Which is why they target you in the first place.
So when you hear someone else replay your own feelings,
It feels right.
Why wouldn't you believe this person?
You don't know that you're being grooming.
You're being groomed and love bombed.
You don't know that this person is grooming you.
What you'll notice throughout the relationship is shift blaming.
So let's say you catch the narcissist cheating on you.
The narcissist might say something like,
Well,
It's not cheating because the other person wasn't married.
Or,
Well,
You were out working till midnight and I felt horny and so I wanted to get laid.
What's the big deal?
I don't even remember her name.
So it's shift blaming.
Somehow it's your fault that this person got up at midnight and went and had sex with someone else.
Or,
Well,
It's only cheating if I paid her.
It's only cheating if I went to see a prostitute.
Or,
It's not cheating if I went to see a prostitute.
It's not cheating if I go to massage parlors and I have happy endings.
So it's not cheating if you knew that we had a fight that day.
It's cheating if you thought that I was happy with you.
So it's all this backwards,
Crazy making communication.
They play off your sympathies.
They play the victim.
They turn the tables on you and you end up feeling like completely lost in this quagmire.
Nothing makes sense.
And that's why it's important to have these conversations and to understand what narcissism is,
Understand why narcissists lie,
And to even understand the neurology behind it.
Understanding that a narcissist's brain is actually in a state of relaxation when lying because they're able to feel a sense of control over their internal dialogue,
Their internal shame,
Their internal wounds that have not been resolved.
They are not able to be self-reflective.
So they're not looking inside of themselves,
Trying to turn over every leaf,
Trying to figure out what's wrong with them.
No,
That's not what they're doing.
They're living in a world of victimhood.
They're living in a world of fantasy.
And in their world,
They are grandiose to every extreme.
And so if there is a victim in the room,
It is not you,
Even if they have victimized you.
And this is really important information.
And so I just hope that this short podcast on lying and narcissism and shift-blaming and why narcissists lie has helped you to better understand what you might be dealing with.
That's it for today,
Dear ones.
Namaste.
Until next time.
