11 Things a Narcissist Can't Say Authentically

In this episode, you will learn about the 11 things a narcissist cannot say that healthy people can. As the world appears to become more narcissistic, and self concerned as opposed to concern for others, it is important for those who tend to be other-focused, to recognize the signs that they might be dealing with someone who lacks empathy. Empathy is a magic ingredient and loving relationships that allow for growth is essential.

Transcript

Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about 11 things that you'll never hear a narcissist say authentically.

So the number one thing you'll never hear a narcissist say with their heart is I'm sorry.

Narcissists aren't able to admit that they're wrong and they will never apologize for their actions.

Even if you catch them in a lie or some form of deceit,

They'll never admit that they're sorry.

Number two,

I was wrong.

This is similar to not being able to say I'm sorry,

But it goes even further.

Narcissists aren't able to admit when they're wrong.

Even when it's clear to everyone else that they are,

They will always find a way to justify their actions or shift the blame onto someone else.

Number three,

I need help.

Narcissists are grandiose,

So they will never admit that they need help.

They believe that they are perfect and don't ever need anyone else.

If they ask for help,

It is usually only because they are trying to manipulate someone or get something they want.

If they do ask for help,

It will not be because they need help,

But because someone failed them.

That will be the excuse they use to offset any feelings of vulnerability,

Which at the same time helps to maintain their sense of grandiosity.

Number four,

I love you.

Narcissists may say the words I love you,

But they won't be able to mean it.

Narcissists view love as conditional,

And you will be constantly judged as to whether or not you deserve their love.

One wrong move,

One wrong expression,

One wrong statement,

And the narcissist will withhold their love for you,

Self-righteously justifying why you are unworthy of their love.

When a narcissist says I love you,

What they mean is they love the way you make them feel,

Or they love the way that you can be used to boost their ego.

They're not capable of authentic love.

Authentic love implies that you love others as they are,

And it's not based on what they can do for you or how they make you feel.

Being able to love another has everything to do with them and very little to do with you.

Love is offered to others knowing that others are human,

Flawed,

And imperfect.

Narcissists,

However,

Love as it relates to how you make them feel.

Number five,

You're right.

This is another sentence that narcissists will never say because they're always right.

In their mind,

They are never wrong,

And anyone who disagrees with them is simply wrong.

Even if you are 100% in the right,

A narcissist will never admit it.

If they do,

They only say what you want to hear,

Which will not be authentic.

They may say you're right in a passive aggressive tone.

In their heart of hearts,

You're never right because you're always wrong.

Number six,

Thank you.

Narcissists are very entitled people who tend to believe the world owes them something.

They rarely offer a genuine thank you because they believe that they are owed whatever they feel entitled to.

If you watch their kids,

It's because you're supposed to,

Not because you were kind enough to do so.

If you make them a cup of tea,

It is because you were supposed to and not because you didn't have to and wanted to.

If you pick up their dry cleaning,

Well,

You should know how important they are and how busy they are.

Number seven,

I appreciate your help.

Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and they believe they don't need anyone else's help.

Acknowledging someone else's contribution would undermine their sense of superiority over others.

Number eight,

I'm not the best at everything.

Narcissists have an insatiable need for admiration and validation.

Admitting that someone else is better at something would blow their ego.

To feel in control,

They need to feel better than others and they need to believe that you believe that they are better than others too,

Even better than you.

Admitting that not the best at everything would be admitting that they are equal to others or that they have limits.

This is not a genuine possibility for a narcissist.

You will never hear them say,

They are not the best at everything.

Number nine,

I'm happy for your success.

Narcissists are envious of others.

They're envious of their achievements and they feel threatened by them.

They may pretend to be happy for someone,

But deep down they are resentful.

Someone else's success causes fractions in their delusions of grandeur that they hold of themselves.

Number 10,

I'm willing to compromise.

Narcissists have a sense of entitlement and they believe that they deserve to get their way.

They are not interested in finding a middle ground or making concessions.

Meeting you halfway would require them to climb down from their pedestal.

A grandiose perception of self is a mask and a shield they use to hide from feeling mortified.

Giving up that shield creates great emotional upset,

Even though they'll never admit that.

So number 11,

I'm not interested in attention or praise.

Narcissists crave attention and praise and they will go to great lengths to achieve it.

They need constant validation to maintain their false mask.

They will settle for either positive or negative attention.

If they are angry,

They will blame others for it.

They may rage,

Complain,

And behave erratically,

Suggesting that others are responsible for their wild emotions.

Gaining sympathy or apologies from others is their fuel or narcissistic supply.

Gaining praise and validation is another form of narcissistic supply.

Whether the narcissist is gaining attention through blaming and throwing temper tantrums,

Or they are gaining praise through manipulating and exaggerating accomplishments,

Either form of attention is a source of narcissistic supply.

So why is it important to understand these ideas and how can understanding these ideas empower you as an individual?

I firmly believe that you can't fix a hole in the wall that you can't see.

Most rational people,

When they're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

Don't often recognize what's going on.

Rational,

Logical,

Empathetic people,

Most people,

When dealing with a high conflict personality,

Somebody who has these grandiose ideas of themselves,

Who feel entitled,

Who lack empathy for other people,

When you are dealing with this person in a family situation or a work situation,

You don't always recognize it.

There is chaos in the workplace.

There's chaos in the relationship.

You never feel like you're good enough.

You feel responsible for everything.

You are riddled with guilt.

Your world becomes very,

Very small.

Suddenly you have a world that exists,

It feels like it's on a Petri dish.

You may have had lots of friends.

You may have had lots of self-confidence.

You may have had lots of dreams for the future,

But all of a sudden or over time in this relationship with this person,

You've got sucked into this vacuum of chaos.

You don't know what you're going through.

I like to use the analogy of the tornado.

When you're in a narcissistic relationship,

You're in the eye of a tornado,

But you don't know how big the tornado is until you get kicked out of it.

Once you get kicked out of it,

You've got what we call spiritual perception,

Emotional perception,

Mental perception,

Cognitive perception.

It's suddenly you have this ability to say,

Oh,

Wow,

That was a tornado or that was a toxic relationship.

But while you're in it,

You're just trying to keep your nose above the waterline.

You're trying not to succumb to what's happening around you.

It's a very maddening place.

The shame of it is that what's happened now is that madness is inside your mind.

It's inside your body.

And your perception,

Your focus has been hijacked by this chaotic personality.

And logical people don't understand very often what they're dealing with.

And what we do wrong is we try to understand the chaos.

Our natural human brain goes,

Why is this person behaving this way?

What if what this person is saying about me is valid?

A logical,

Rational,

Empathetic person thinks,

I don't want this person to think that I'm manipulating them,

Because a narcissist will project and accuse you of what they're guilty of.

A narcissist will say,

You did that to me on purpose.

You made that face at me on purpose.

You are walking around the house with that attitude on purpose.

So you are going to be blamed for things that make absolutely no sense.

But the average person's mind,

The average person,

Tries to make sense of the chaos.

That's where we get into trouble.

And that's why having conversations such as this help us gain perspective.

They help us gain perception.

Oftentimes,

What will happen in these types of chaotic relationships is that living with a narcissist can lead you towards a spiritual awakening.

I know that's what happened to me,

And it happens to so many of my clients.

It is through this painful experience of being enmeshed with this other person,

And not knowing that you've been enmeshed with this other person,

Where you slowly begin to peel yourself off of or out of this relationship.

It is a very painful experience.

It feels like you're ripping your skin off,

But is the only way to survive.

It is the only way to individualize,

To become individuated from this person,

To decide who you are separate from this person,

Separate from their projection.

You can get very caught up when dealing with a chaotic person because they accuse you of things that you're not guilty of.

And what happens inside our minds over time as cognitive dissonance moves in is we start trying to behave in a way that we have been conditioned to believe will make this chaotic person happy.

It is our brain's way of seeking ground.

It is our brain's way of trying not to drown in chaos.

We become conditioned,

Just like Pavlov's dogs,

To think that the answer to our prayers is making this other person happy.

The answer to our prayers is figuring out how to become the image that this person wants us to become,

To make this other person happy.

That is us losing ourselves more and more over time without acknowledging that we are drowning in this relationship.

We have lost our footing.

Now a narcissist enjoys this,

And I want everybody to hear this.

When a narcissist is walking down the street or when a narcissist is in a room full of people,

A narcissist seeks out the kind person,

The person who seems empathetic,

Because whether it's conscious or not,

They know that that person will be far easier to exploit than the person who is not scurrying around the room trying to make everybody else happy.

There's nothing wrong with being somebody who wants to be of service to other people.

But if you do not know that there are predator-type personalities that exist to exploit you,

Then you will end up being exploited.

I also think that there is a tremendous gift that happens to those of us who are highly empathic,

Those of us who are highly sensitive,

Those of us who are highly intuitive,

And we have gone through enough of these relationships.

We develop a superpower.

I can tell you that I believe I have it.

Today,

I can smell narcissism,

Whereas before when I was living below the veil,

When I did not have yet the spiritual awakening,

When my consciousness had yet to be awakened,

I lived to please people that were narcissistic.

It was part of my pattern.

It was part of my program.

It was the hologram that I was living out that was created for me in childhood because I had two narcissistic or highly narcissistic parents.

One was more codependent than the other,

But my mother was highly manipulative.

My mother would gaslight me.

My mother was not nurturing.

My mother rejected me on many levels.

There was no acceptance.

My father offered love only when I could please him,

When I could smile,

When I could offer him a source of narcissistic supply.

As a child,

This holographic neurological pathway was built into my subconscious mind,

Into the neurology of my brain.

It was not my fault that I became someone who could also seek out the shark in the room and want to please him or her.

That was not my fault.

I was primed for that.

Many of us are living that reality.

Those of us who tend to live that reality tend to be children who have come from dysfunctional homes.

We've had parents who were toxic.

We've had parents who triangulated us against our siblings.

We've had parents who gaslight,

Who project,

Who blame shift,

Who withhold love,

Who criticize,

Who want us to subjugate our needs to their needs.

We have parents who thought,

You were born to make me happy,

Kid.

I don't have to make you happy.

And in fact,

I resent your needs.

Whether a parent ever says that or not,

A toxic parent does not emotionally regulate.

A toxic immature parent expects a child to please them.

You come into this world to become the engineer that your parents want you to be.

You're not allowed to be your own soul.

You're not allowed to buck the system.

You're not allowed to have an individual self because if you do,

Your individual self is somehow failing your toxic mother and failing your toxic father.

Those of us who grow up in homes like this,

We end up attracting narcissists like this in society.

A narcissist will exploit the empathic person in the room.

A healthy person does not exploit the empathetic person in the room.

They have empathy and appreciation for the empathic person.

As you go through this,

As you run through a couple of narcissistic relationships like I did one after the other,

You get to a point where you see it.

And now,

Pain versus pleasure,

The default setting of your brain,

You begin to associate pain with narcissistic behavior.

You begin to associate pain with narcissistic personalities,

With love bombing,

With flattery.

You start to associate pain with being codependent,

With seeking approval,

With needing to be needed,

With having people push you around,

With tolerating insults and being devalued.

When your brain gets to that point,

It is being rewired at a subconscious level.

And that is when you become an empowered warrior.

This is when you become the person who is able to turn the tables on someone who is highly narcissistic.

So you'll be able to smell a narcissist in a crowd.

They might be able to smell you too,

But you have now developed a narcissistic repellent,

Which is your conscious awakening.

You're no longer living below the veil of consciousness.

You're no longer living out your childhood patterns.

If you come from a home where there was alcoholism,

If you came from a home where there was narcissism,

If you came from a home where your parents were highly emotionally immature,

If you came from a home where drugs were being used,

If there was incarceration,

If you were adopted and your adoptive parents made you feel less than,

Then you may have abandonment issues,

Which is the reason why so many of us have insecure attachment issues,

And we want to attach to just about anyone.

And so it really is up to us to understand us.

It's up to us to find the middle way.

It's up to us to make that U-turn and return back to the divine self.

It's up to us to say no more.

Even though what happened to us as children that created this screwed up hologram inside our head is not our fault,

At one point in time,

If we're going to live an empowered life,

We've got to say,

I need to break this cycle.

I need to create a new hologram for my life.

I want to be the best version of myself,

And so I have to look within.

I have to clear these boulders that are inside of me.

I have to clear these emotional blocks.

I feel,

And I share,

What worked for me.

What worked for me was identifying the labels.

Understanding narcissism was a huge aha for me.

It didn't mean that I went around pointing the finger at everybody,

But it did mean that it gave me clarity.

Now I know what I'm dealing with.

It's sort of like going to a doctor and having this gnawing pain in your abdomen,

And they can't diagnose it.

Once they diagnose it,

Everything falls into place.

We know what treatment to give you.

We know why you feel this way.

Suddenly your mind goes,

Oh,

I shouldn't be eating kidney beans.

I'm allergic to kidney beans.

So what do you do?

You stop eating kidney beans.

So understanding the label,

Understanding what's making you sick,

Understanding the personality of the person who's making you sick is very,

Very healthy.

It's cathartic.

It helps you put up a boundary.

It helps you gain clarity.

Suddenly your life makes sense.

So your brain was a disordered Rubik's cube.

You gain this data and this information,

And disorder is a lack of information,

Which is why I'm so grateful to platforms like YouTube.

I'm so grateful to platforms like Insight Timer,

So grateful to platforms like Facebook and Instagram and TikTok,

Because they offer creators or people who feel like they would like to share wisdom an opportunity to offer other people knowledge and data that brings order to the chaos in their lives.

Where there is chaos is the potential for order.

Information like this is very,

Very powerful.

It can change your life.

Understanding that I was codependent,

Understanding that I was an adult child of an alcoholic,

Understanding that I was a grandchild of an alcoholic.

Oh,

I've got this thing.

I'm an ACA.

I'm an ACOA.

Oh,

I have codependency.

Wonderful,

Because now I can fix it.

So without knowing what was wrong,

You can't fix it.

You're wandering around the desert sometimes for 40 years.

Lots of us don't wake up until we're in our mid-30s,

Close to 40.

Some of us don't wake up until we're 60.

I personally don't care how long it takes someone to wake up,

As long as you wake up,

Because there's power in that.

And I'd rather live one day above the veil than all my days below the veil,

Not knowing what the heck was wrong.

I hope this session has been helpful.

I hope that it has brought some mental clarity.

I hope that you better understand what you're dealing with.

Reviews

Such great information and explained in an easy to understand way. One thing you never talk about are abusive siblings growing up. Just a thought. Just a suggestion, as that was my childhood.❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

This is so informative & helpful. Thank you.

Love your teachings. So helpful.

I'm blown away. So much great information in one place and I feel VALIDATED. Thank you, Lisa. Powerfully presented!

Wow amazing. Ve learned things in the last 20 min. Thank you 🙏

Great advice! Thank you Lisa. You have helped me a lot today