10 Unknown Relationship Killers For Codependents

Do you hide inside your intimate relationships? Are you afraid to be your true self? Do you worry your partner will judge you or leave you? In this episode, Life Coach and Codependency Expert Lisa A. Romano uncovers 10 unknown relationship killers for people who struggle with codependency.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about the 10 signs that you're actually healing from childhood emotional wounds.

So we're talking today about the 10 signs that you are actually healing from emotional wounds.

Now on this channel,

I talk a lot about what's wrong in a relationship.

I talk a lot about character flaws in ourselves and in other people.

I talk a lot about codependency,

Childhood programming.

I talk a lot about narcissism.

Just so everybody understands,

Especially if you're new to my channel and new to my work,

Just so you understand where I'm coming from,

As a child,

I didn't know what was wrong.

I didn't know that I was programmed to think about myself,

Which was contrary to the way life is supposed to go and roll,

Which is upwards,

Which is towards a flow,

Which is think about growth.

That when we're born,

We're supposed to grow and not just physically,

But we're supposed to grow mentally and emotionally.

Spiritually,

We're supposed to grow.

That just didn't really happen for me.

I was very much emotionally arrested.

I was very much living in survival and I felt stuck.

I hear this so often with my clients and people here on YouTube,

People on Facebook and Instagram,

And people that I meet at events is that I just felt so stuck in my life and I just couldn't figure out how to make a change.

I knew something was wrong,

But I didn't know what was wrong.

I tried to be good enough and I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be.

I didn't even know I was a people pleaser.

I didn't even know that I wasn't attached to my feelings.

I didn't even know that I was worrying more about what other people thought about me than what I thought about myself.

This theme,

Which seemed very harmonious with so many of us,

Was I didn't know what I didn't know.

If we dig deeper,

It means that we don't know what was wrong.

In business or in the medical field,

When we're talking about a broken bone,

Oh,

I can't run.

Oh,

I sprained my leg.

We look for what's wrong.

If we don't feel good,

We go to the doctor.

We have headaches or whatever.

There is this attempt to find out what's wrong so we can solve the problem.

It seems that on the spiritual path and on the emotional path,

So many of us aren't doing the same thing.

In other words,

We're not looking for what's wrong.

Because we're not understanding what's wrong,

We're not really understanding the emotional diagnosis or we're not taking the symptoms that we're experiencing and we're not throwing them into a database,

If you will.

This is the thing.

If we are living with people who are narcissistic,

Then we develop anxiety.

Then we develop cognitive dissonance.

Then we may actually go into reactive abuse as well,

Where we get nasty.

We're living with someone who gaslights and who projects and who lies.

We're all confused and blame shifts and tells us that we're the reason that they're angry and we're the reason they lie and we're the reason that they do what they do.

If you're anyone who has any level of empathy or a moral compass or the ability to have remorse or to feel sorry and you have the ability to want to get along with your partner,

These things that they say hurt and you take them in and you think,

Well,

I am yelling and I am reacting and I do complain a lot.

You take it in and you take full responsibility for what's happening in your relationship because you can be introspective.

You can challenge yourself.

But here's the thing.

We're not taught enough,

At least I don't think so.

We're not taught enough about relationship dynamics in which we are identifying in our partners as well as ourselves problem areas.

Now,

I did not know that passive aggressiveness was a sign of vulnerable narcissism.

I did not know that stonewalling was a sign of narcissism.

I did not know that the lack of responsibility in a partner was a sign of narcissism.

I did not know that a lack of empathy was a sign of narcissism.

I just thought I was a pain in the neck.

My needs were just off the charts and I was frustrating the man that I was married to.

And so when he shut down,

I thought it's because I'm too much.

When he was passive aggressive,

It was because I just think I'm asking too much.

When he refused to take responsibility,

I thought maybe I'm perceiving this situation in the wrong way.

So here I was in a very toxic relationship and I didn't know that what was wrong were qualities that I had in myself,

But also in my partner.

And so what I like to do here on this channel is really just help broaden people's understanding of human behavior and the ability so that you,

As well as myself,

Can understand why you feel the way you feel.

I ended up with severe anxiety,

Panic disorder,

Asthma,

Migraine headaches,

Stomach issues.

I mean,

I was really falling apart.

I had tunnel vision,

Which was so spooky.

I had,

And I don't even know where it came from.

I was walking into a Wendy's or something with two of my best friends and our kids.

And I said to both of them,

Something's happening.

I'm losing my peripheral vision.

And my best friend,

She's pretty funny.

She's just like,

Oh,

Knock it off.

You're having a panic attack.

I was like,

That's what this is?

And then I layered it.

I call this,

It's not a psychologically accepted term,

But it's a term that I use in my coaching programs.

It's a term that I use in my Facebook groups.

It's layering.

When I'm experiencing panic and then I layer it with,

I shouldn't be feeling this way,

I've just made things 10 times worse.

My limbic system thinks if it was upset before,

It's really upset now.

Because now it's like,

Whatever's happening,

I'm in resistance to what is happening.

And we don't want that.

We want to learn to get to a state of non-resistance where we are equanimous,

Where we experience equanimity under duress,

Where in spite of what's happening outside of us,

We can remain calm in our own skin.

Tall order when you have been taught that your feelings don't matter and what you think is stupid and you have a punishing superego that does not give you a break because you haven't figured out how to follow the rules and get your family to love you and get your family to accept you.

It's a really tall order and I get that.

And being someone who has dedicated her life to figuring this out so that I can experience equanimity under duress,

So that I can be the best version of me,

So I can be the best mom and best stepmom and best wife and best friend and best daughter,

Whoever,

Just a decent human being.

So I'm not creating chaos in the world.

This is what I study.

And so I get it.

It's very difficult.

And so I talk a lot on the channel about what's wrong because you can't,

Another thing that I like to say is you can't fix a hole in the wall you don't see.

And so if you're in a marriage with someone who has these traits,

Doesn't mean they're a classic NPD narcissist,

Right?

Doesn't mean that they have narcissistic personality disorder,

But that doesn't mean that the person that you're living with is mature,

Knows how to reciprocate empathy.

It doesn't mean that you're not living with someone who shows indifference.

It doesn't mean that you're not living with someone who understands that relationships are supposed to be about nurturing one another,

Supporting one another's growth.

It's not supposed to feel adversarial,

Right?

We don't know this.

For instance,

I didn't know that you could be a strong woman and be in a relationship with a man who struggles with insecurities.

And no matter what you say,

That man can see what you're saying as if it means you're trying to control him,

Which is very similar to my first marriage.

No matter what I said,

It was perceived through the lens that you're trying to control me.

Now it took me a long time to unravel that because I did not know I was struggling with cognitive dissonance.

I was struggling with shame and I was struggling with tremendous self-doubt.

And because I had empathy and because I was self-reflective,

I was recognizing that I was at a point of frustration,

That I was getting nasty right back,

That I was becoming more and more negative.

But I didn't see the whole dynamic.

It was very micro versus macro.

And so that's why I think it's important that we absolutely become mental scientists,

Emotional detectives.

We hit the pause button and we stop and we become self-reflective.

We acknowledge our traits in ourselves that we don't like,

But we also want to know why am I behaving this way?

Outside of my first marriage,

I'm a piece of bread in my second marriage.

I'm kind of easy to get along with.

There's no anger in me.

There's no animosity in me.

I'm not vindictive.

I'm not passive aggressive.

At least I don't think I am.

I'm not irritable.

And that's a sign.

In other words,

That's a sign that it was the relationship that I was in that ended up bringing out these really bad traits that anybody can experience.

You can take the most kindest,

Gentlest puppy,

Born a beautiful,

Beautiful little puppy,

And you can expose that puppy to a pack of wolves.

That puppy's got to toughen up.

Just to survive,

The puppy has to start biting back.

Now on the outside looking in,

You think,

Oh my God,

That puppy's so aggressive.

That puppy's just trying to survive.

Take that puppy,

Hopefully,

Out of that environment and eventually put it in a different environment.

Take the wolves away.

The puppy doesn't have to behave in such an aggressive way.

So when we're dealing with people who have high narcissistic traits,

That doesn't change.

There's a pervasive pattern.

This nasty hypocrisy of narcissist is full of hypocrisy.

This vindictiveness,

This critical nitpicking,

This stonewalling,

It doesn't change from a relationship to relationship.

They are that person.

In the beginning when they meet a new supply,

They might play the Dr.

Jekyll and Mr.

Hyde thing.

They might be able to hide that a little bit or a lot until they secure this person,

Until they've convinced this person that they really are kind,

They really are considerate,

They really have the ability to reciprocate emotions in a relationship.

But before long,

That mask will slip.

Now that is the difference between someone who is healthy and in a toxic relationship with someone who has high narcissistic traits who then becomes toxic themselves versus someone who by their own,

I guess,

Nature,

Their own personality,

The inability to check the self,

The inability to want to change,

That's the difference.

So if you notice that when you're removed from a toxic relationship with someone who has low empathy,

Who has a sense of entitlement,

Who has a very grandiose sense of self,

Who may or may not have love bombed you,

When you start to observe yourself out of that relationship and if you find that out of that relationship,

You kind of calm down a little bit and you are less reactive.

You do have to heal because coming out of that relationship,

You will feel frightened just like a puppy,

Like you don't trust anybody.

That's normal.

But if you stay out of a toxic relationship and you know and you observe and you know what the red flags are,

That's why I do what I do.

This is a really long introduction,

Forgive me,

Neelan,

But you need to know what the warning signs are.

So when you are being stonewalled,

When you are being love bombed,

When you are being talked over,

When you are being blamed for things that you didn't do and you're not being heard when you say that's not true,

That's a red flag.

You know to put the pause button on,

Boom.

You know to pump the brakes and go,

Oh,

This is a red flag.

This is a personality issue thing and I'm not so sure I want to invest in it or wow,

This whole time I'm twisting myself into a pretzel to try to be good enough and there's no way I'll ever be good enough for this person with these personality traits.

Incredible information,

Incredibly useful information.

If you're someone like me and you grew up with a mom and a dad that always said,

Well,

What did you do to deserve that?

You know,

They never listened to you.

It was always your fault,

Right?

If you got blamed for things that you didn't do.

If you were persecuted for things you didn't say.

If what you did was turned into something that was completely distorted.

Like if your mom and your dad saw you through this lens that was incorrect or was skewed.

If you were the scapegoat and you were punished for things that weren't your fault,

Being able to see that in a relationship,

To see that,

Oh wow,

This person is blame shifting.

This person is triangulating.

This person is persecuting me unjustly.

You don't see that.

That's your norm,

Right?

And you're struggling such cognitive dissonance and abandonment trauma,

The fear of rejection,

The shame is so overwhelming that in the moment you become like a child and it becomes like a parent child relationship and you're seeking the approval of this person who is psychologically manipulating you and training you to believe that everything negative that happens is your fault.

They get angry,

It's your fault,

Right?

They cheat on you,

Your fault.

They don't pay their bills on time,

Your fault.

They go out and drink and smash up the car,

It's your fault.

They will string together a narrative.

Well,

I went out drinking because last week you accused me of drinking when I wasn't drinking.

They went out that night,

Crashed the car,

Got a DUI and somehow in their head they've strung together a narrative to blame you for why that happened.

And like I said,

If you come from a home where cognitive dissonance was the norm and you were unjustly crucified for things that you didn't do,

Someone today accusing you of this thing and using that logic,

You don't know that the logic is distorted.

You don't know that.

And that's why it's important to know that.

So that's why I do what I do.

But I also think it's very important that those of us who are really serious about living a best lives,

Like that's what I'm about.

I don't want a mediocre life.

I want the best life that I can have.

And that doesn't mean I want to live in a mansion or a castle.

It doesn't interest me at all.

But it does mean that I'm living my life emotionally and spiritually,

Physically and cognitively to its fullest.

It means that I'm a truth seeker.

It means that I'm not just a hero of the word,

I'm a doer of the word.

So if there's something I have to do to fix something that's screwy in the way that I think,

I'm going to do it.

So that's why I think it's important to know what's wrong.

Because before you can solve a problem,

You have to identify what's wrong.

In business,

We figure out what's wrong,

Where are we bottlenecking,

And then we do what we can to fix the bottlenecking.

In the medical field,

We find out why does this person have stomach pains.

So we identify the problem,

Well,

The symptom.

We look for the problem,

And then we find a solution.

Same thing with our emotions.

So we identify what could be wrong,

Personality traits in ourselves,

Other people,

Codependency,

Childhood programming.

Ah,

There's the root.

There it is,

Abandonment trauma.

There it is.

I'm living in survival.

There it is.

My brain is afraid of being rejected.

So I cling,

And I acquiesce,

And I subjugate,

I fawn.

Oh no,

Oh my,

Why is it tigers and bears?

Oh my.

Now that I know what's wrong,

I can fix it.

But it's equally important to recognize the signs of when you're healing.

Why?

So you know you're moving in the right direction.

As important it is to know what the danger signs are,

You have to know where you're going.

So you're on the road,

And it says danger,

You avoid that.

Or it says,

Road closed,

Okay,

Don't go here,

Danger ahead.

Okay,

Well where am I supposed to be going?

So road signs help you that way.

They help you navigate into life so you can get where you're going,

Need to go.

And so that's what I want to offer you.

I want to offer you 10 signs that you're on the right path,

And you're actually healing from emotional wounds.

And if you like,

You can shoot over to Instagram and follow me on Instagram,

Because this is actually a post that I created for Instagram and Facebook.

And you can share it there,

And you can actually see it in print there.

So the first sign that you're healing from childhood wounds is that you're worried less about what other people think.

So childhood neglect is like having a candle blown out,

And I'm reading from the actual Instagram post.

You don't know that you're the candle and that negative experiences have impacted how well you shine.

And as a result,

You worry a lot.

You worry about what people think about you.

And as you heal,

You discover that you worry less about what others think about you and more about what you think about you.

So as you heal,

You feel more light.

This is really important that you know.

You were born a candle,

And you were meant to shine.

Now if you were born to people that knew that there was a light within them,

And their candle was shining really bright,

Good news.

But if you're born to people whose candle has been dimmed,

Then they aren't able to do their own trauma and their own situations,

Childhood situations,

And their own choices,

Unconscious choices that have produced a negative result.

And due to the unconscious nature of the human mind,

We're not taught to think about the way we think.

Hello.

We're born to people whose candle has been dimmed.

So two people who have a dimmed candle can't really help us burn brightly.

And so what happens is we don't recognize that when we're children.

So we have all this shame.

Everything's our fault.

Mommy doesn't love me.

At least this is how I feel.

I think it's important to recognize that when we are developing an ego and a super ego,

Our little brains are black and white.

So if mommy loves me,

That means I'm good.

If I don't feel connected to mommy,

That's bad.

That means that I'm bad.

There is no middle ground when you're three years old.

It's all black and white,

Good or bad.

Mommy's either happy or mommy's mad.

Or mommy's happy,

Mommy's sad.

There's no middle ground.

And I am responsible for what's happening outside of me.

So as you're healing,

What you're going to notice is that you start to feel lighter.

You're going to start to notice that you're not so worried about what your sister thinks or what your mother thinks.

You're like,

Wow,

What do I think about me?

What do I feel?

What do I want to eat?

Do I want to go to that restaurant or don't I?

What restaurant do I want to go to?

Do I want to take a yoga class?

Or would I prefer taking a pottery class?

Or maybe I just want to stay home this afternoon and chill out.

So we start worrying about us.

We worry less about what people are going to think about the choices we make.

So if I want to go into real estate and my sister tells me,

No,

I shouldn't go into real estate,

I take in the information.

But then I decide what I want to do.

And if she has something negative to say,

Then she says it because misery loves company.

It's a law of attraction.

I don't have to take the bait.

So when you're healing,

You're going to notice that you care less about what other people think and more about what you think about the self and what you want.

The next thing you'll notice is that you stop taking on projects.

So what do I mean by that?

Many abused adult children don't go after their dreams.

Instead,

They tone themselves down and tend to attract relationships that are full of potholes.

Managing other people's drama is what we are good at.

It helps us deny our own and taking care of others helps solidify a positive self image.

As we heal,

We have less of a desire to fix,

Rescue,

Enable,

Or enmesh with others.

We start looking ahead.

We set goals and can much more easily identify red flags and avoid them.

And so when you're healing,

What happens is you become more objective about who you're hanging out with.

You don't just jump in.

Oh yeah,

You ask me to go out.

Oh yeah,

I'll do everything.

Oh yeah,

I'll stay out till 3 a.

M.

Even though you get to go to work at 5 a.

M.

And you don't say anything because you're afraid of what they're going to think about you.

Oh yeah,

I'll take that drug.

Or okay,

I'll have that drink even though you don't drink,

You don't smoke weed,

You don't do any of that,

But you'll do it.

So you start being more objective about the people that you're hanging out with and you start worrying more about you.

So when you meet someone,

They could seem like the nicest person in the world,

But they might not be doing the type of work maybe they should be doing because of their history.

And you objectively and you discern that might be a problem later on because whatever isn't dealt with now will definitely bubble to the surface in an interpersonal relationship.

It's just a matter of time.

And if we have two unconscious people operating at the level of unconsciousness when this happens,

It's not going to end well.

So you become more objective and a lot more picky about who you hang out with.

That's a sign that you're healing.

So you stop BSing yourself.

So when we are healing,

Something incredible happens between our ears.

We start hearing ourselves call ourselves out on our own BS.

If our home is a mess,

We stop blaming the dog and we start cleaning it up.

If our finances are not in order,

We hold ourselves more accountable.

We stop wasting money and we start saving for the future.

We stop making excuses for others who talk a big talk but never do anything to change their lives.

We just can't tolerate the small talk or the excuses from others or ourselves.

So what happens is as you're healing,

You're going to start hearing almost like a nurturing parental voice saying,

Come on,

You could do better or make the bed.

Or you know what,

Pay that bill.

Well you can't spend $300 on that bill but you know what,

You could spend $10.

You know what,

The train's not working so your boss would understand if you couldn't catch a train but you know what,

In the world of Uber,

You can get to work.

Call an Uber.

So it's sort of like you take on this role that lesser men do lesser things.

And what I mean by that is that there are people that will look for excuses not to do what they could do to achieve greatness.

And as you're healing,

You're going to notice you're not making excuses for yourself anymore.

You know I remember where I used to put things off and I used to procrastinate and then I complain when the bill's piled up or the laundry's piled up or you know the house is just a mess.

But there were all these micro moments where I was just like,

Ah,

Tomorrow,

Ah,

Tomorrow.

And I finally was like,

No,

The appropriate moment is now.

I also started to understand that success flows towards order,

Abundance is order.

And so it was like,

Oh my gosh,

I really need to get my house in order,

Get my finances in order,

Get my home in order.

Started with cleaning out bathroom sink closets,

The clothes closets,

The refrigerator,

Making sure that my house was in order.

I live in a house now,

Like I said to my husband,

We had a crawl space and I was like,

I want to clear it out.

It's just feng shui,

Man.

You can't have,

I don't want to be stuffing things into my house because to me it's like my house represents my spiritual house.

I want the attic in order.

This is my mind.

I want the basement,

My root chakra in order.

And I want,

When you walk through my house,

I want it to feel cohesive.

And that's how I want to feel on the inside.

And it doesn't matter where you live,

Wherever you live,

It can be in order.

You can live in a small room in someone's house and that house,

That little room could be completely in order.

So think about that.

You stop BSing yourself.

You stop making excuses on the healing path when you know that you're really healing.

The next thing you'll notice is that you catch negative thoughts and you change them.

So when you're healing,

Your subconscious mind is being impressed with new positive data.

The more you control your thinking,

The quicker your external circumstances will change.

And that's a fact.

There's a whole quantum explanation about that.

I will not go into that,

But this is absolutely a fact.

And if you don't believe me,

Look at someone who has a really bad life experience happening right now and then be objective.

What does that person believe about their health,

About their finances?

What are they impressing in the subconscious mind day in and day out?

And then look at their external circumstances and see if it's not a match.

And that goes for all of us.

So as you're healing,

The impressions that you're sending to the subconscious mind begin to change.

When you were healing,

You know you have far more power than you once realized.

So you go from feeling powerless to like,

Maybe I do have some control over this.

You know that the way you think controls the energy that you emit.

And so you do all you can to catch negative thoughts and change them.

And you do so with a happy heart.

It excites you to change your thoughts.

Now,

When we're talking about mastering the self and self-mastery,

You have to understand that this takes time.

It takes tremendous practice.

Like you're becoming a sage,

Right?

So if you think about someone that you consider as a sage,

They've had lots of practice.

They weren't born a sage.

They stumbled.

They fell.

They figured out what they were doing wrong.

They brushed themselves off.

And they did it again and again and again and again.

So just know that this does not change like this.

But if you don't give up,

And this is the sad thing about many human beings,

They give up right before they're going to have that huge breakthrough,

Right before where they're going to understand something about themselves,

Understand how they fit in the world,

Understand how their thinking now is a reflection of the past,

Understanding that what they're experiencing now might be a mirror to the past,

Right before people experience that tremendous breakthrough,

They oftentimes give up,

Right?

And so don't be that person.

And as you're healing,

You're going to notice that you're catching a negative thought and like,

Oh,

I caught it,

Right?

And instead of going down the shame rabbit hole,

You're going to be like,

No,

Just getting back on the horse.

Instead of thinking this,

I'm going to think that.

Another sign that you're healing is that you start setting boundaries.

One day a boundary might just slip out of your mouth,

Literally like the word no.

And you'd be like,

Where'd that come from?

It's unbelievable because you're becoming unconsciously self-confident,

Unconsciously self-confident,

Unconsciously tethered to the self.

You're developing sense of selfhood that you may never have had before.

So as you're healing,

All of a sudden it's going to start falling out of your mouth,

The word no,

I don't think so,

Let me get back to you on that.

Because you're naturally becoming tethered to your own sense of self,

Your own sense of purpose and what you want for yourself in life.

You're holding yourself accountable,

You're building self-confidence,

Your thoughts are changing,

You're getting control over this like,

Wow,

When I think I can and I put that into action,

My life begins to change,

Even if it's just a little bit.

When I honor myself,

I go to bed early,

I feel better in the morning and I'm more productive at work and my manager recognizes that.

Or when I go to bed early at night and I wake up early in the morning,

I actually have time to meditate and I feel better.

Oh,

You're noticing,

Oh wow,

When I think better and then I do better,

My external world gets better.

That's a sign that you're actually healing.

So as you're healing,

You start doing things you never did before,

Like saying no or setting boundaries.

You suddenly have limits you never had before.

You may not take calls from friends after 9 p.

M.

Because you want to have a good night's sleep.

You might not tolerate the drunk friends who can't see straight and who embarrasses you whenever you go out.

You might not want to continue to be the designated driver,

Babysitter or chauffeur.

Or you might just not be able to sit through a nasty Sunday meal with mean people anymore.

So when you are healing,

You're going to notice that you're like,

No,

I don't think so.

The word no is going to become much more part of your vocabulary.

So another sign that you're healing is that you don't feel stuck anymore.

So as you heal,

Your entire mind opens up and begins to think in an entirely new way.

Out of survival and the amygdala,

Your prefrontal lobe has come back online.

So suddenly you want more from life.

You start to develop an internal hunger.

You're not living in survival anymore.

You want to come out of the cave.

You want to learn.

You want to explore.

You want to move.

You want to come out of your comfort zone.

You want to take chances.

You're willing to take a hit every once in a while.

At least you're living.

In the cave,

You're not living.

You're just existing.

So as you're healing,

You're not stuck anymore.

You're willing to take chances and just see what happens and then get over that challenge.

Keep going and going and going and going and going.

You've created momentum in your life.

So you want to take on new hobbies.

You want to attract positive friendships.

You have this urge within you.

Suddenly rather than sitting around all day not setting goals,

Living in the cave,

Not moving forward.

You want to create forward moving momentum in your life.

You also avoid those who don't want to grow,

Which is very,

Very important.

And there are plenty of people that say they want to grow.

But if you look at what they do,

They're not growing.

They're not going into therapy.

They're not doing the journaling.

They're not meditating.

They're not eating well.

They talk a big talk.

They're great at talking,

But things never change.

So this is really important,

Especially if you're in a relationship with someone who you think might be narcissistic or living really below the veil of consciousness.

Be careful of the person or the partner who tells you that they're going to change and they don't change because that will keep you stuck.

So you're less reactive.

So one of the surest signs you're healing from the past is when you notice you are less reactive to things that you can't control.

Here's the key.

I can tell you that this is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to self-mastery.

If you want to master anything in your life,

Pay attention to what you can control versus what you can't control.

Very quickly,

Can I control this?

Can I control this?

And then go into a state of non-resistance.

Not easy to do.

People say,

I want my ex-husband to stop texting me.

You can't stop the man from texting you.

What you can do is you can block him from your phone,

But you can't get him to a point where he stops doing this thing that he's doing because you have no control over him.

So many people will say to me,

I want him to stop texting me or I want her to stop talking bad to my children about me.

You can't control what comes out of another person's mouth.

But how many of us are in emotional quicksand because we get all ticked off that this person is doing something that we don't want them to do that we think is wrong.

Yet,

When we slip into their skin,

They've got a long list of the things that they don't want us to do.

My ex didn't want me to get divorced.

My ex didn't want me to go into therapy.

My ex didn't want me to go back to school.

In his head,

From his perspective,

This was threatening.

However,

On the surface,

I had no right to do it.

So when we start thinking about people as autonomous human beings,

For every judgment that we have of someone else,

Trust me,

They've got a bunch for us too.

So we have to start seeing things more realistically.

Doesn't mean that my ex-husband had,

Well,

I guess he had the right,

But doesn't make it mature.

It doesn't make it spiritual.

It doesn't make it not narcissistic or egotistical to not want me to grow or to resent me growing.

But he has a right to live his life that way and to attract people into his life that aren't non-threatening to him.

That's his life experience.

He has the right to do that.

And I have a right to not be a part of that experience.

And however,

It took a while to weave that marital blanket.

It took me a while to unweave that marital blanket.

But thankfully,

I didn't give up.

I almost did.

I almost did.

I almost settled,

But I didn't.

And I kept going.

And I'm so grateful.

And you can too.

So as you're healing,

You're going to notice that you're less reactive.

You're going to notice if people say things to you that you don't want to give this person who is highly reactive your energy.

You're going to start to find value in shutey-shutey.

OK.

OK,

Nasty cashier.

You're having a moment.

Maybe you don't feel good.

You know,

One of the most powerful emotional tools there are on the planet is understanding how the other person feels,

Right?

Now a narcissist is highly intuitive in that they understand how you feel and they manipulate you.

I'm not talking about that.

And so they influence the way you think about them.

They influence the way you think about yourself.

They influence the way you see the world,

Right?

But when we're talking about healthy people,

We can be intuitive.

And we can try just for a moment understand how that person feels,

Right?

And then for a moment see it through their eyes.

That doesn't mean that we agree with them.

It just means we take a moment to say,

Maybe this cashier is having a really bad day.

I don't know her.

Or I don't know him.

This has nothing to do with me.

So in this moment,

I'm not going to take it personally.

If you can do that,

That's a sign that you're healing.

Or someone cuts you off on the road.

And rather than chase them down,

You're like,

This person's karma is not good.

I don't know this person.

This person doesn't know me.

Maybe this is an exercise in self-restraint and patience and non-reactivity and non-resistance.

Namaste.

You know,

Crazy speeding driver weaving in and out,

Risking your life and the life of others.

Namaste.

Be careful out there.

And I'm not chasing this person.

One of the things I used to tell my children,

I remember my son was about 16 years old,

17 years old.

We're teaching him how to drive.

Very tense behind the wheel and getting irritated at other drivers.

I tried to teach him this idea that you can't control other drivers.

And the last thing that you want to do is there's a Tasmanian devil on the road driving,

Right?

Highly reactive,

Super irresponsible,

Risking their life,

Risking the lives of other people and you.

And as long as you let the Tasmanian devil drive by you,

You two do not collide.

Your lives never intersect.

Not really.

It might pass you by,

But they don't intersect.

They don't interlock.

And so if you think about things like road rage,

Someone drives past you really fast,

You get really,

Really scared.

But then there are people that will chase that driver and it gets ugly.

And then what happens is what?

One Tasmanian devil clashes with another highly reactive energy,

Right?

And now we have this collision.

And now it can be intertwined through law cases,

Right?

Forever indefinitely.

I don't want that.

Tasmanian devil,

Be gone.

Drive past me.

Good luck with that,

Dear one.

You know,

I don't want to do that.

So as you're healing,

You start to discern like,

Wow,

If I react to this,

I become more energetically enmeshed with this.

I want this in my life.

I don't think so.

Bye,

Felicia.

You just let the person drive up,

Drive on and you bless them.

Because the last thing you want is for this person to hurt themselves and or hurt someone else because your kids are on the road.

My kids are on the road,

Right?

Grandma's on the road.

Grandpa's on the road.

Like innocent people are on the road.

So we don't want to wish anyone ill,

Right?

Nor do we want to react to someone and become part of their life if they are highly reactive.

It's not going to end well.

So that's a sign that you're healing.

Another sign that you're healing is that your inner dialogue changes.

So when you are healing,

You will notice an uptick in your inner dialogue.

If anything's going to change your life,

It's the way you talk to yourself.

And most people think that the thoughts in their head are conscious thoughts.

They don't realize that worrisome thoughts are often not controlled thoughts because what you want to do is get to a point where you can see your thoughts as like wild horses.

And it's your job to bring them in,

Rein them in,

To break them,

To break your thoughts,

Right?

So if it's a really nasty negative thought,

You want to break that thought until there's non-resistance to what you're thinking about.

And you've developed a thought that allows you to feel better or less powerless,

Right?

And so that's why when I'm in a situation and I'm trying to determine like,

What can I control versus what can't I control?

I find power in finding the answer.

And so my basement floods,

I've recently had that happen,

Basement flooded,

I walked into the basement.

Anthony just had a biopsy that day because he's going through some medical issues right now.

He'll actually have surgery in about a week.

But he was in no shape to help me empty out the water in the basement.

So I accepted that.

I didn't complain about it.

It was just like,

Okay,

What can I control versus what can I control?

I got to get down there and empty out the basement.

I can't control that he just had a biopsy.

And so I went to work to get the water out of the basement.

And in that moment I felt less powerless.

I actually felt powerful and empowered.

So your inner dialogue will go from feeling bad for yourself,

Judging other people,

Being critical about yourself,

Ticked off about things that happen,

Normal everyday stuff,

Because we are living in a physical world,

Things are going to happen.

And everything that happens really is an opportunity for us to change the way we respond.

So that things that are happening outside of us,

We don't make a big deal.

And I think that's part of the thing that we come to learn is like,

How do I make this thing that's in front of me not such a big deal?

And once I'm able to make it not such a big deal,

The lesson is learned.

Time for another lesson.

But the less I learn in this situation,

If I don't learn the lesson,

It's going to show up again.

It might show up with a different last name.

It might show up with a mustache this time.

Or it might show up in a different car or a different zip code,

But it's showing up until I learn my lesson.

And so I look at it that way.

So when you're healing,

You will notice an uptick in your inner dialogue.

Negative victim laced or self-righteousness is replaced with more positive,

Bare-minded,

Realistic thinking.

It's a beautiful thing.

You judge yourself and others less.

Your inner dialogue sounds uplifting,

Self-compassionate,

And is also encouraging.

You will be encouraged to get out of your comfort zone,

But the voice will be a loving and nurturing one.

So opposed to,

You suck,

You're awful,

You idiot,

You're this,

You're that,

It's like,

Oh yeah,

Give yourself a break.

Yeah.

Okay,

So you forgot to mail the letter,

But you know what?

It is what it is.

Now you can get the letter out today.

Offer the people a letter of apology.

Call them up and say,

I'm really sorry.

It was my fault.

I didn't get the letter out in time,

But I'm getting it out today.

Please forgive me.

Boom,

Done.

Move on.

Right?

So we don't hurt ourselves so much anymore with the inner dialogue.

It changes,

Becomes more positive.

So the next thing that you do is you begin to cut cords.

So parents have tremendous control over their children.

And as we heal,

We are more likely to confront our mothers and fathers in ways,

And this goes for family and friends as well,

Like extended family,

Sisters,

Brothers,

Aunts,

Uncles,

And friends.

So we're willing to confront these people in our lives in a way that we couldn't before,

Because before we may have been in fear of losing their approval.

But as we get our own approval,

Right,

We're filling up our own love tank.

I love that expression by John Bradshaw.

We're filling up our own love tank now.

We're more confident.

We're less critical of the self.

We're more self-compassionate.

We're more self-nurturing.

We're more able to get out of the comfort zone.

We're more responsible.

We're not BSing ourselves anymore.

Inner dialogue is changing.

We're going to bed on time,

Waking up on the right time,

Really taking care of the self and setting boundaries.

And now I'm identifying what I like,

What I don't like,

What I can control versus what I can't control.

I don't have to sit through a crazy Sunday meal with you people.

I don't have to do that.

Mom,

I don't have to agree with you.

Dad,

I don't have to agree with you.

Hey,

Sis.

I love you,

But I don't see it that way.

And that's okay.

You don't have to see it my way and I don't have to see it your way.

That's the beauty of being an individual.

But what we should do is respect one another's opinion because my opinion is based on my life experiences.

So how can you judge that?

How can I judge your life experiences?

I haven't walked in your shoes.

I'm not in your skin.

I have no idea,

Dear one,

What you've experienced since before you were born.

I have no right to judge you.

Whatever you think and whatever you feel is valid based on your perceptions,

Based on your experiences,

Based on everything and everyone that's ever affected you,

From mom,

Dad,

To grandma and grandpa,

To sisters,

To aunts,

To uncles,

To school,

To coaches,

To teachers,

To law enforcement,

To doctors,

Whatever,

Whatever.

Even where you live,

Your culture,

Your faith,

Your religion,

The rabbi,

The priest,

The pastor,

Whoever,

Right?

Whatever it is you've got going on.

God forbid your family was a member of a cult.

Whatever you've experienced outside of you hasn't shaped you.

I have no right to judge you and I don't.

And that's why I have very little tolerance to people who judge me,

But I accept it.

Hey,

No problem.

They're here to learn in their own way.

I'm just a drop in the ocean and that's it.

And I've got to pay attention to my own life and focus on what I want and focus on my own personal growth and my own expansion and honor myself and live out my passion.

That's my job,

Right?

And part of my job is to help other people do that for themselves.

It's a beautiful thing.

It's really the way we help the world shift.

So as much as we're supposed to evolve,

Our brain is evolving,

We've got to evolve emotionally.

We've got to catch up.

You've got to learn how to evolve the way that we think so cognitively we have to evolve.

We have to go from being emotionally unintelligent to emotionally intelligent.

Very important.

You could be the most skilled airplane pilot,

But you could be a real pain in the neck to work with.

No one wants to fly with you.

No one wants to be a co-pilot.

You're very skilled and you may even have a PhD.

You might be a pain in the neck.

Who wants to hang out with that person?

I don't.

I got no time.

But my time on earth is limited and it's a valuable commodity to me and my family and the people that I love.

So these are the things that we learn as we're healing about ourselves,

About other people.

So we start to cut the cords with family and friends that we once were afraid to confront.

And when you're healing,

You are far more likely to confront a parent,

For instance,

You may love who is also showing signs of hypocrisy,

Narcissism,

Or who constantly finds ways to rain on your parade.

So cutting the cord is a necessary requirement towards self-actualization.

And you are healing.

And as you are healing,

You'll be far more able to see the flaws in others as well as yourself.

Right?

Healing will cause you to love the truth more than you fear losing the approval.

And so it's really,

Really essential that we recognize that as much as we're trying to find out what's up with someone else,

We try to find out what's wrong with us.

When I say what's wrong,

I'm not talking about shame-based what's wrong.

I mean where are the holes in our thinking?

The other thing that I like to say is where are the neurological links that stink in my head?

Where are their associations to a thing that is keeping me stuck?

And how can I move past it?

We had a client recently tell us about this issue that she has with washing the dishes.

Now when she was a child,

She would be made to wash the family dishes,

Even though there was not a dish in the sink that was hers.

So she has an association,

An emotional,

Neurological belief system,

An association tied to doing the dishes.

So as an adult,

She'll look at this,

A sink full of dishes,

And she's like,

I'm not doing them.

Right?

And she's like,

The heck with you dishes.

But when she wakes up,

She's like,

Oh man,

I got to do the dishes.

And she feels bad that she didn't do the dishes the night before.

It's simply a pattern from childhood resurfacing.

She feels powerless and resentful over these dishes.

It's a challenge.

And in the moment,

Every time there's a sink full of dishes,

Is an opportunity for her to make peace with the dishes,

Make peace with what you have to do in life.

You want a clean sink?

You want to wake up when you wake up?

And there are no free lunches in life.

So if I want to wake up and come into my kitchen and see my kitchen nice and neat as soon as I wake up,

I have to pay the price.

I have to clean the dishes.

They're my dishes now.

Right?

See how that works?

There are no free lunches.

If I want peace of mind and my mind is matted,

There's no free lunches.

It doesn't happen like that.

I have to work it,

Baby.

I got to do what I have to do to unclear or clear my mind.

I have to put in the effort.

And so when other people are out partying,

I might have to go home and do some self-analysis.

I might have to go home and do journaling.

I might have to wake up early in the morning,

Which means I might have to go to bed early.

When everybody else is out having a good time,

I might have to set the precedent and set a regimen for myself so that I can nurture myself.

Why?

Because that is the price that I'm willing to pay for a clear mind.

And what's really amazing is that anybody can do it.

Literally anybody can do it.

Now I hear some of you saying like,

No,

Not me.

Yes,

You.

Yes,

You.

You can clear your mind even just a little bit just by saying,

What can I control versus what can't I control?

And imagining,

Imagining,

Imagining a different reality.

No matter who you are,

You have to understand that if you keep thinking the same thoughts,

You're impressing the subconscious mind with the same ideas.

I'm never going to make it.

I'm never going to make it.

It's always going to be this bad.

Life is so hard.

Things don't happen for me.

I have bad luck.

Everybody else has good luck.

I'm not thin.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not smart.

I don't have a college degree.

Tony Robbins doesn't have a college degree.

Hello.

Have you heard about Tony Robbins?

Seriously.

Think about that.

Do an internet search of the people that you know that don't have college degrees that went for it,

That trusted their internal guidance.

And instead of thinking that they couldn't,

They found ways to think that they could.

And every time their challenge came before them,

They said,

OK,

How am I going to fix this?

Even if they got knocked down,

They kept getting back up again.

The human spirit is strong,

But we have to align our intentions with a desired reality.

And in the moment,

We've got to do everything that we can to harness that power.

And so as much as it is important to figure out what's wrong,

I think it's equally important for us to know when we're on the right path.

Why?

So you can stay on the right path.

So you can continue to do what you're doing so the light within you grows and expands and expands.

And the light that you are becomes this incredible lighthouse for other people.

This is the way that we help the world grow and expand.

And I am honored to share this time and space with you,

My brothers and my sisters.

We are human beings.

There is one race.

There is one race.

There is one universe.

And we're all children of that universe.

And it's an honor to share this time and space with you.

Reviews

Dear One Lisa, (& Admins)

The timing was amazing to hear this! When I'm starting to trust myself again, there are still moments when I question my internal compass. Is this ego? It almost seems like I'm sabotaging myself when I hear this voice of negativity.
Of course, I say to myself to be kind & loving to me, but it almost invokes a kind of anger response. I don't want this voice jumping in again. Perhaps it's a residual left over from a toxic relationship particularly dealing with new experiences.... like flooded basement or any catastrophe? Perhaps I need to remind myself of the mindfulness of now & what I can do?
Regardless, thankyou 🙏 for being a guiding light ✨️

🙏 Namaste ❤️

Thanks for this inspiring speech! helping me staying positive and motivated. Also got me realising I'm on the right road! Yeay 🌱

Wow your fast paste is dazzeling and your clear profound truth, wisdom and enthouisiasm very motivating! Thanks

❤❤❤

Thank you Lisa, insightful markers of recovery along the road of self rediscovery into our true being