Good Relationships Vs. Healthy Relationships

We all have good relationships. We may also have relationships that we may consider to be "bad". However, there is also something called "healthy relationships". What are the differences between good vs healthy relationships and how do you manage them? Listen in to hear more.

Transcript

Hello, Hello, And thank you so much for joining me here for this talk on Insight Timer. Let's talk about relationships, Shall we? Oh, Good old amazing relationships. Relationships, Keyword to that is relation. You can't have a relation with just one person. Relation deals with two or more, So just to make sure that we have an idea of that. In order to relate to something, It can't just be one person. Has to be two or more people on the same wavelength, On the same page, In order for things to work out well. So today I'm talking about the difference between healthy relationships versus good relationships. And you might be like, Uh, Kadeem, They're the same thing. Like a healthy relationship is a good relationship. And yeah, In many ways it very well could be. However, This is how I categorize these. So a good relationship is always a healthy one, But a healthy relationship may not always be a good one. What do I mean? Usually when someone says, I have a really good relationship with this person. Oh, It's really good. Usually tends to mean, Okay, Great. That means that maybe there's a sense of closeness. They can talk about maybe almost anything. You know, There's definitely a sense of good rapport between them. That's a good relationship where you think about in the sense of like food, Because I love food and eating. If something tastes good, It's like, Oh yeah, I want to do this again. Right? I want to have this again. I want to eat this again. Good relationship is like, Yes, I want to be with this person again. I want to talk with them again. I want to hang out with them again. If we're looking about food that's healthy, Huh? Healthy food sometimes don't taste good, But guess what? It's healthy. So you have to have it, Or we should have it because it's healthy. We have to have it. It's healthy. It makes us stronger. It helps to give us nutrients that we need. It's healthy, But it may not taste good. But we know that this healthy food is good for us in return. The same way relationships are healthy. There are some that are healthy. You kind of have to do them in many ways have to be with the person you're able to move forward with them in the best way possible, But it may not necessarily always be close. It may not necessarily always be someone that you're excited to see again, But it's healthy. You have an understanding of what's happening. So I would say that if I think about it in regards to my life, If I look at this in terms of my parents, I would say I have a good relationship with my mother. I can see her. We're close. It's great. Talk about almost anything. I enjoy her company. My father, However, Not good, But it's healthy. We both know our boundaries. We know that we essentially get on each other's nerves. Definitely not on the same wavelength at all. He's more of a, I will say me centered person as in like everything is about me and my needs and wants and where I'm at and everyone else is wrong. However, I'm more of a people centered person. We're like, Okay, Well, What do people need? How can they become better? So when we get together, It doesn't work out well if we contact and communicate each other often. However, When we do connect and contact about six times a year, Which is usually for holidays and birthdays, We know this is great. We're going to connect. We're going to say, Hey, We're going to catch up. Then that'd be it. You might say, Oh, Well that that's not very good. That's not, That's not very good. It's not, It's not good, But it's healthy. It's healthy for us. It's healthy for us and move to move in this way because anything beyond talking or connecting six times a year, Which starts to become toxic and we'll start to become something that's not good for anyone. Cause if, If we think about it in this regards to again, Talking about food, You can have carbs or even certain fats in a healthy amount in regards to having certain amount of portions are healthy. However, Anything beyond that healthy sort of basic amount starts to become unhealthy because it starts to react and make your body react in a way that's not great. The same goes for relationships. There are some people in your life, Which you have to connect with them because maybe they're your boss, They're a coworker. Maybe they're a blood family member, Which maybe you have to see on certain holidays and stuff. You can't necessarily get away from them because of the other connections that are happening. How can you make this relationship a healthy one without trying to focus on, Oh my gosh, You know, This person, How can I make this a good relationship? You know, How can I make this, You know, Not toxic? How can I make this in a way that we're close? That may not happen, But if you focus on the healthy aspects and say, How can I make this healthy? How can it be so that when I come in contact with this person, That we have a healthy rapport with unnecessarily being close, But we understand each other and know how to move forward in the best way. So we can both get what we need, Get what we want, And then move on from it. Right? But not in a way that's like selfish, But in a way that's like being cordial and being connected in the way that we need to for the time that we need to, And then move on from that. So it's a challenge. It is a challenge because for some people might be hard to connect with someone, For example, That with the boss that might be narcissistic or with a family member, The uncle that you might see for the holidays who might be strung out or acting crazy or always hitting on you. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard to do these things, But I've realized for myself, And maybe this might be helpful for you to start to do in regards to looking at making relationships healthy, Is how can you start to set certain boundaries for yourself between you and this person or you and these people? So I know for me that there was someone that came into my life recently over the past, I would say three months, Who started to connect with me in a way because he really liked me, Liked my energy. However, He's going through a lot in his life. His living situation is not great. I mean, He has a lot of physical issues. So being on the phone with him calling me multiple times a day, Texting me multiple times a day, Being on the phone with me for two hours a day, That became unhealthy. And I'm like, I am not your therapist. You are not paying me for this time. So I said, Okay, I'm going to set a boundary. Oh, I didn't mention how he was also asking me for money at the same time. This guy is over 50 years old. He's not like he's like 16, 17, Maybe even his 20s. He's over 50. So he's a full grown adult. However, We also have to realize that sometimes full grown adults, Although they might be an adult in age, Their mindset, Their emotional set, Their spiritual set is actually of someone who's much, Much younger. So that's a little ditty, Little gem to put there is that sometimes you think, Oh, This isn't so grown, They should be able to handle this on their own. Guess what? They may not be able to. Because whatever their trauma is, Whatever their trigger was has kept them in the mindset or emotional set of a 16 year old or an eight year old or a five year old. So just as an FYI, Sometimes you have to sometimes treat people as if they are 16 and not as if they're 55. Because that's where their mindset's at. So I say that to say that for certain people, You have to set very clear, Strong boundaries. So for this particular person, After about a week, Once I realized the pattern, I said, Oh, We have to stop this. Nope, Not happening. And I get that sometimes in life, People need some support. They need some help. And I'm all for helping people at certain moments in their lives when they need it. But if it's looking like it's a consistent pattern, As low as going to be a thing, I'm like, Oh, It's not a particular season that you're in. This is how you are, Period. You're always this way. So I had to set boundaries. So my boundaries for this person was saying a few things. So when he came back and started asking me for money, I was like, Hey, Nope, We're not doing this again. I'm not giving you any more money. So let's stop this. Please don't ask me anymore. He stopped. He used to call me multiple times a day, Text me multiple times a day. I'm someone that values communication very strongly. So for me, It's like if someone calls me, Texts me, I'm going to get back to them right away when I have a free time or a free moment in my day. So I would do that. And I said, OK, Again, Pattern's here. He always needs something very draining. I said, OK, Boundary. I am not going to pick up the phone when he calls. Not picking up the phone. Not responding to texts. I'm going to give it at least two days before I reach out to him again. Because I need to set this boundary. Because I realize that he's someone who is very connected to a community that I'm very connected to. So it's not like I'm not going to see him. I'm not going to be talking to him because I realize that he's a part of this particular community. So but for me, It's like, OK, I'm going to set a boundary here because our relationship needs to move into a healthy spot or a healthy place because this is not going to be toxic and unhealthy for both of us. It's not because I can see what was starting to happen and what was about to happen if I let it keep going was that it was going to be codependent. And I'm like, I'm not here for that. Not here for it. So I say all this to say, Because I realize a lot of my talks are based off my own life and I'm learning lessons. So I'm helping you to also maybe see certain lessons based off my life so you don't have to go through them. So you can be like, All right, Khadim went through the lesson. Khadim took the class already. So Khadim, Give me your answers for the class so I don't have to take the class. So in this, I'm trying to impart advice based off what's happened in my life so that you can live a life that's more free and more open because I already went through the experiences. So I say for you in your life, The relationships that are good, Great, Fantastic, Like keep on going with them, Keep moving forward. If you see these relationships almost like a plant or a tree, Right, Keep watering them, Keep giving them sunlight, Keep nourishing them. Healthy relationships do the same thing, But set boundaries. And setting boundaries has to probably be a mixture of like telling someone something and saying, This is where I'm at, This is how I'm feeling, This is what it needs to be. Or sometimes setting a space and setting an environment of distance so that a boundary can be set. So I know that people, You know, Pandemic of course, Oh, Stand six feet apart, Six feet. Sometimes you have to do that in regards to your emotions and your mind. It may not be physical, But I'm gonna put some energetic distance between us because it's needed in order for us to move forward in a more healthy, More dynamic way. And also realizing that sometimes, You know, Again, As I said before, You know, Sometimes there's certain people who are in this like mindset of like being much younger than they are in regards to their like physical age. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. You know, You might have all heard that before. You know, I feel like I need to be the bigger person here, Or who's gonna be the bigger person here? Sometimes it has to be you because the other person can't be the bigger person because their mindset, Emotional set is of a smaller person or of a younger person. So in regards to setting these boundaries, Healthy versus good relationship boundaries, You might need to be the person to set things in motion because the other person isn't going to because they don't see it in the same way. Or if they do see it, They may not say anything because for them, Having this sense of toxicity and drama makes them feel alive. It gives them adventure. However, If you're someone that doesn't want that type of drama that's negative and disruptive, Then you are going to have to be the one to set the boundaries. So all right. That's it for today. Thank you for listening to this talk here on Insight Timer. See you soon.

Reviews

Thank you. Really good points, got me looking at things in different way, not bad/good, but in terms of what’s healthy for me in the context of this relationship. Thank you.

I like the simple 'relate'. If I or we can not relate in the basic aspects, than what do I call the transaction between me and the other people or person