Your Life Matters Soul Connection Podcast Episode 7

In this episode, host Junie Swadron talks to fellow author, relationship guru, Michelle Hoffmann. Because life is better with good love in it, Michelle empowers people to attract, keep, and enjoy loving relationships in their life without losing themselves and being overwhelmed. After the loss of her husband, people asked for her guidance when they saw how she successfully pulled her life together for herself and her children.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Your Life Matters,

The Soul Connection podcast.

I'm your host,

Judy Squadron,

And today I am so excited to welcome Michelle Hoffman.

Michelle,

Hi.

Hi,

Judy.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'm very happy to be here with you.

Oh,

Likewise.

Oh my gosh,

You're so fun.

And who's that behind you?

Oh,

This is Sweet Pixel.

Hi,

Sweet Pixel.

A four-year-old Dalmatian.

Oh,

She's beautiful.

Thank you.

Did you want to have any questions in particular that you would like to talk to us about today,

Pixel?

Yes,

I'm just kind of dreaming about them now.

She comes in and out.

She's like,

Are we having fun?

Is it fun?

Would you like to share snacks?

Shall we go for a walk?

Could I love you unconditionally?

Yes,

She's got this.

Oh my gosh,

If we could all be like dogs.

Well,

I know.

I talk about that.

We're going to start there.

When I take her for a walk,

People go,

Oh my God,

She's so beautiful.

And then Pixel's like,

Oh,

They said I was pretty.

And I'm like,

She thinks you're beautiful too.

And then they kind of go,

Hmm.

It's like,

Why don't we treat each other more like that?

Right?

You know?

Yeah.

Well,

You know what?

You know what I love?

Is that there are people in the world who do and who teach people to do that.

And that's you.

It is me.

You're the lady.

I never thought of comparing myself.

But I'm like,

I will teach you how to be puppy happy in your relationships.

My new tagline.

Well,

Who can't relate to that?

Right?

Right?

No matter how miserable somebody is,

When a puppy comes up and starts licking you all over,

No matter what.

Can we not melt when we all want relationships like that?

And they're happening.

They're all happening.

And when people come to me,

It's because they're really ready for that to happen.

Okay,

Let's get started because I want to know so much about you.

Okay,

So let's start from the beginning in a way,

In a way.

Once upon a time.

All right.

I'd like to know how you became a relationship coach.

How did that start even?

So how did it start?

I've always been a relationship coach.

But there are some things that I never thought could actually be a profession.

So when people were around me,

Things got easier,

Not only for them,

But with every relationship in their lives.

I just thought this is what everybody did.

So fast forward through time,

I found the right person for me.

And he and I knew it.

He knew it instantly.

It took me a little bit longer,

A couple hours longer.

And then it was like,

Oh,

This is great.

So it was super good because when my late husband,

There's the spoiler alert,

When my late husband and I basically laid eyes on one another.

And actually,

I'll tell you this part.

It was in the first kiss.

We met on a cruise and my cousin and his best friend and he and I were all seated at the dinner table together.

And my cousin and his best friend,

And we were listening to each other during the dinner and during the dinner conversation,

He's like,

You're everything I ever dreamt of.

He didn't say it out loud yet.

And then we met later on the dance floor and he was brave enough to kiss me.

Wow.

And I did what every man dreams of when he kisses a woman.

I laughed.

Oh no.

Fortunately he was courageous enough to ask,

What's so funny?

And I went,

My whole world has changed.

I was going down this track and now my life is going toward you.

That's what every man dreams of when he kisses a woman.

Right?

So it was really good that,

I mean,

We were not alike at all.

We had everything in common.

The values were in common.

Our goals were in common.

And you said you were not alike at all.

Well,

We were nothing alike.

Even though your goals were common.

And our values were common.

Right.

Right.

But this is,

We connected and we were like,

Oh,

So I mean,

There was like,

There,

In fact,

We had huge music.

I'll give you an example.

Huge music collections with only one intersection.

One song?

I mean,

It was Joe Satriani.

A good intersection to have.

But literally massive collections with only one intersection.

So we came together and shared our music collection and our lives and everything else.

So it was so gorgeous.

What a beautiful partner.

I learned so much by being with him and people would come over and suddenly,

Again,

Their relationships would amplify.

And I managed people in my professional career,

In finance,

In medical publishing and in the department of medicine at Stanford.

And I would help their relationships in their career grow.

So we really have,

I've always been relationshiping.

So how did I do it?

How did I do it?

You have a natural ability.

But what,

I have figured it out.

I figured it out.

And it goes like this.

When you start a relationship with someone,

It's this discovery period.

And you have this chemistry that you build.

And it's so exciting.

Your brain is like pumping out dopamine.

It's when you think about one another.

There's got to be stuff that we don't even know that's going on with pheromones and smell.

Suddenly it's like whatever that ingredient is and chocolate that just makes you feel amazing and you're like more of what you've ever been.

And this is the discovery and chemistry phase where everything's right.

And suddenly it's like your chemistry is in a balance you've never known before.

It's so exciting.

And you really do.

You're looking for everything right with someone.

So from chemistry to casual to committed.

As you move through this discovery phase,

Right?

I thought everyone knew this.

I did.

But that's what,

That's,

You know,

Part of what we need to know.

Because not everybody does know this.

Not everybody knows this,

But I just thought it was a little bit.

No,

Chemistry to casual to committed.

Right.

So then you move from this discovery chemistry phase where everything is right about this person.

I mean,

It's like,

Oh,

So exciting.

Then you move into the casual,

If you want to move through,

You move into this casual phase where there's all kinds of interactions that occur.

And then what happens is one,

It's super beautiful because as you anticipate experiences that you share,

You become familiar with them.

And there's something that is so delicious about getting into a situation where you know what to expect and you know you're going to enjoy it.

And it's so,

This is a really exciting phase as well in a very different way.

Now there's another thing that happens here in this discovery phase where all the interactions occur,

Because we start to see what's not quite a fit with someone.

And that could transform this whole excitement of the discovery chemistry to casual phase to yellow light,

Red light,

Deal breaker.

I mean,

If you're,

I don't know,

If you leave the toilet seat up,

Whatever.

I mean,

If you won't hold my hand,

If you,

Whatever is like,

Oh,

For me,

I'll give you mine.

I really like to be out on the water.

So if I learned that somebody really doesn't enjoy that,

Then that's,

I mean,

It wouldn't be the only thing.

It wouldn't be the only deal breaker for me,

But that's such a big part of what I enjoy in life.

We were water skiing this morning.

I really enjoy being out there.

I like to sail.

I like to,

I like boating.

I like,

You know,

Diving.

So if someone can't share that with me,

It's,

That's a hard one.

So there's an example,

A real life example of a deal breaker.

So what happens then is it's sort of,

You know,

Kind of like going up a spiral staircase and it,

Or like the game of chutes and ladders,

You're climbing up.

And if at some point you're like,

Yes,

That's a deal breaker.

If somebody drinks too much,

That might be a deal breaker.

If somebody is acting in a way that is not in alignment with your values,

That would be a deal breaker.

And in the chutes and ladders game,

You'd be like,

And you start again.

So that's,

That's sort of gross from chemistry to casual.

But if there's green lights and you're like,

That's not such a big deal.

I can handle that.

You know,

There's,

It really is a good enough relationship that maybe I don't want to be out on the water anymore,

Or I can do that on my own with my friends,

But it's not something that's important to my partner.

Then we,

It's a green light and we move forward to a committed stage where there's another dimension to this in where we hit the triad of communication,

Trust,

And respect.

And with the,

As communication grows,

We become vulnerable and we come safe and we feel like we can share our open heart.

Then trust builds.

And with experience of that through chemistry and casual,

There's enough communication and trust that it builds respect.

And that's how we decide to get into a committed relationship.

Now like I said,

It's a spiral staircase because when you decide that and you go,

You know what,

We're a thing.

You define that the way you want your relationship to be because it's the relationship between the two of you or however you go.

And then it's like you start that again.

Let's say you got together with someone and you decide,

I'm going to use traditional roles,

But it's with any partner and in every way.

Let's call each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

And then we were just talking about this the other day with a client and he was saying,

My girlfriend announced our relationship to our friends and called me boyfriend.

And I didn't know that we were ready to do that.

So it was a unilateral decision.

So he had a decision he needed to make.

Is this a deal breaker?

Is this a yellow light,

A red light or a green light?

And he decided it was a major green light.

He was ready,

But he wanted to make sure she was ready.

So she did it and then he had to decide,

We had to talk about unilateral decisions as opposed to decisions that are in both of our best interests.

And so that quickly they went through that and they became public.

Now they're boyfriend and girlfriend and everyone else is going to have some effect on that relationship because they're seen in a different role.

So they're going from chemistry to casual to committed again as boyfriend and girlfriend.

And I've gone through this with couples.

So I work quite a bit with individuals who are looking for a partnership.

That's where oftentimes my clients start.

Then they get into these relationships and they need help adjusting.

Well,

He's pulling me,

He's ready to be committed and I'm not.

Or somebody's ahead of the other on this cycle.

How do I slow him down?

How do I speed them up?

Whatever it is.

So there's a couple that's married and she has come to me saying,

I'm so happy for my husband he got a job and he's not paying attention to me the way he used to.

Kind of a victim there.

It's like,

Wait,

Do you want him to have the job?

Do you want him to succeed in the job?

Yes.

Yes.

I'm like,

Okay,

Here's how it goes.

These relationship cycles intersect like Olympic rings.

He now has a relationship with her in a loving marriage and he's got this job and he's going from chemistry to casual to committed with his company.

And so what we came to was the best thing she could do was encourage him,

Give him the space he needs so he can focus on that discovery phase and that chemistry phase to help make it into the casual phase where he knows what's going on in this business,

He's got it and then he can move into the committed point where you're comfortable in your job.

And what got really good so that she wasn't feeling left behind was that she helped him with work-life balance by saying,

Let's plan time together,

Special time together so he knows he doesn't have to worry about this until it's time and she has something to look forward to and it helps with the work-life balance.

So chemistry to casual to committed has been the foundation of a lot of what I'm working with in relationship thing.

I learned it very early on,

Not quite sure where I got it,

But it wasn't until I started working in this capacity that I realized other people didn't know it.

Right.

Wow.

Wow.

Well,

It's certainly,

I love the expressions that you use.

I love how you bring it down to real life where we can all relate to those kinds of circumstances because there are certain things,

No matter who we are,

That are still generic to all of us.

Right.

Right.

Right.

And so it sounds like you have a really,

One,

You said you've always done this.

So it was just something intuitive.

It's who you are and maybe you have a natural desire for people to be together,

To be in relationship,

To be happy,

To want to find the best ways of communicating and moving through what would be right.

And so that's something that you've been doing since you were at an early age.

Right.

And it's not just being in a relationship,

It's being in a really good one that you are loving.

We're all in relationships all over the place.

A hundred percent.

But if you have like a job you hate,

You want to quit it.

And if you're like with someone who's sucking your energy,

You're like,

Ugh.

Or there's,

I was working with a fellow recently who,

He and his wife had been married for a while and he came to me because we've been stuck in this house,

He said,

And it seems like the closer we are in proximity,

The further we are away emotionally.

So we needed to reignite what was going on between them.

And I mean,

You don't want to be stuck in some place with someone.

You want to be puppy dog happy to see them when they walk in the room,

Every time they walk in the room,

That's what we're going for.

Or I can't wait to go to my job or I can't wait to see my kids.

Right,

Absolutely.

And so can you in fact,

And do you in fact,

Take people from that place of,

You know,

The closer we are in proximity,

The further we are emotionally away from one another.

Say there's been a relationship that's been going on for a lot of years together and it's just become kind of stale or same old,

Same old,

And it's just what the people do.

And now with COVID,

Et cetera,

And people are now working from home and can you get it back to that?

I love you like a puppy dog would love you.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

There's reasons that they got into that relationship in the first place.

And when you can really break down those things.

And also there's like,

I mean,

For me,

One of the things that I can do for people is figure out what is the relationship challenge.

And once we simmer that down,

The rest becomes very easy.

And I help people walk through,

You know,

What is the challenge you're facing?

Is it,

I have trouble making decisions in intimate relationships.

I have trouble navigating obstacles in relationships.

There are plenty of people who I just adore who come to me who are very successful professionally,

But in their words,

They feel like a toddler in their personal life.

Or I get people who come and say,

Why didn't I hire you 30 years ago?

I wouldn't have married the man I married.

I had 20 years of suffering and I would be married to the man I'm married to now.

And I want to keep it that way,

Which is why I hired you.

So at which point,

Because there are a lot of people who do just try to navigate these things by themselves.

Don't think that they need it or they'll buy a book or whatever it is.

At which point do they need that you feel that they need to see someone like yourself to actually take them through the process?

Right.

Good question.

Because we want a clear signal.

What is the clear signal that says,

I'd like to think I can do this on my own,

But it's not working.

So clear signals would be a feeling of overwhelm,

A feeling of not being heard in your relationship or seen,

A feeling of feeling uncertain that somebody might be like,

They're taking away my identity.

A feeling of I have to be right all the time and I can't possibly make enough money at work to satisfy this person.

It's like,

What else can I do to make this work?

What's the signal?

What else can I do so that I don't have to feel like I'm always the caregiver,

That I'm always prioritizing somebody else over me?

It's interesting because givers of any kind,

They're like,

I can fix this,

But it's not really your job to fix somebody else.

It's your job to create an environment so they reflect off of you what you would like in your life.

And there's like inner voice.

Your inner voice will tell you things like,

When will it be my turn or will I miss out on my love life if I don't actually get some support to make this happen?

Because you've been trying to do it on your own up until now and maybe you thought it worked,

But then the relationship didn't work out.

So what is it that's missing?

Maybe you didn't have good role models.

That's a biggie.

I know you were talking about unconditional love earlier and sometimes people need to know how to do this.

So I'm often a role model for people and they just were like,

I never thought to do it that way.

So I want to go back for a moment.

Yeah.

I love what you're saying and you're giving so many fabulous tips and especially this one where people can identify so they can hear themselves saying those various things.

And it's like last chance saloon almost.

I've done it all.

I need help.

Yeah.

Time to reach out.

Do I want to throw out the baby with the bathwater or is there a chance?

And there's some chances.

And at least,

I mean,

I always have the belief that if you start a relationship with loving kindness,

And even if it isn't meant to be the one forever,

You can leave it with loving kindness.

You can leave in true respect and kindness and wishing a person well on their journey forward.

But I think we deserve to know if it's time to go on a separate path or stay together and find that out as opposed to,

Yep,

Red light.

You know,

Out the door.

Right.

So there's so many people who do this,

Who they might even be out in the dating world.

And then their partner is like one small switch,

One thing that's not perfect in alignment of who they would have thought they should be.

And then it's like,

You're out next year out next.

And it's like,

Wait,

Look at who you're looking at here.

So whether you're looking for a relationship or you're in a partnership or a marriage of any kind,

It's I say a cat is a cat.

Meet them where they're at.

So especially if this is a relationship that you're in and that you're seeing how long you would like to have this endurance of this relationship,

How far is we going to take it?

So if,

For example,

You're in the dating world and you are dating someone,

We'll start there.

And this person is great,

Great,

Great.

But then there's like this anxiety.

I'll give you an example.

So this couple was,

The woman was coming to me and she's like,

I have this great boyfriend,

This that and the other.

But when I invite him over,

He doesn't come.

And then I got the reasons why he doesn't come over to her house.

And they are his personal things.

He's more comfortable in his space.

He's a germaphobe.

He doesn't like pets.

He's not certain about things.

But every other aspect of the relationship is good for them.

So she has to make a decision at this point.

Are those things deal breakers?

Should I stay or should I go?

If they're not deal breakers and she wants to continue the relationship,

Meet him where he's at and say,

I'm not going to push you to be someone you're not.

Your picture is getting more clear for me.

I know who you are.

I'll give you an example.

If I reach all the way over to one side of the screen and you only see my half my face,

Your brain is literally figuring out what does the other half look like?

And we do this in our heads when we're manifesting what does this relationship look like.

But it doesn't always take into account the reality of the other half of the picture.

So we need to figure that out.

So then again,

It's like,

Is this a red flag?

Is it a yellow flag?

Is it a green flag?

So let me ask you.

What would you say,

Michelle,

Has been some of the definitive moments for you personally?

It's one thing to say,

Yeah,

I've always been wanting people to have fabulous relationships.

Number one,

Why?

And what has been,

Did you come from an unconditionally loving family that where you saw that model to you?

Yay.

Wow.

That would be a very natural thing to know how to do intuitively,

Naturally,

And be empathic that way.

And so,

Wow.

Okay.

And so,

Are there,

You know,

One of the things that I forgot to do in this interview is right at the very beginning is share people with people,

Who you are and what you've done.

I mean,

Now we're talking about it,

Right?

Who you are,

Because I usually will bring in that right at the very beginning.

And we just went right into,

So I'm just going to share a couple of things,

Right?

I know it's just so fun and we're talking about it,

But I want to bring in,

You've written books,

Michelle,

You know,

You've done some extraordinary things.

I mean,

You know,

As a book writing coach,

I know that it's not for the faint of heart to be writing about our life stories,

Writing books,

It takes a lot of energy,

Takes a lot of courage,

Commitment,

It takes a lot of everything.

And so,

A lot of things.

And so,

I want to talk a little bit about that.

You were in a corporate world,

You went from corporate America to being a relationship coach.

Right.

Right?

You know,

You lost your husband.

And we talked a little bit about this before we came live on the show now.

And where you talked about him being this magnificent man who you fell in love with and he fell in love with you the first,

You know,

First meeting.

And then he passed away.

And people were coming to you and saying,

How did you manage from this phenomenal couple that you were and raising kids and having a great life to navigating all that?

So I want to make sure that the more rounded interview and questions are brought to light here.

So I've just said a whole lot of things,

But I'd be curious to know about what,

You know,

Losing your husband,

How you were able to traverse,

Is that a word,

Through that time to find the courage to keep going when you had a beautiful home life with your children and a marriage and everything looked so perfect and the men,

Your love of your life died.

And then people were saying,

How did you do this?

How have you navigated so well?

Can you teach us how?

And all of that.

Corporate America,

Relationship coach,

Authoring books.

Tell us more.

Tell you more.

Okay.

So my,

I'm throwing things around out here,

Because I'm using my hands.

My professional life did include corporate America.

I've done a lot of different things,

But I was in finance.

I was a portfolio manager.

I worked in medical publishing for very,

For over a decade.

And,

And I also worked at Stanford as a social scientist in the department of medicine.

All that time,

I was always a manager of people and managing people is a true skill when you actually care.

I care,

I really do care.

And so to me,

It was important that their contributions were acknowledged and recognized and that they knew that if they put the effort in to achieve the mission and vision of the business,

That it would also mean their success.

So I would align their career trajectories up with the mission and vision of the business.

It made success inevitable.

So here I am doing this.

It worked out great.

And then I met my husband,

I kept doing it.

He was busy working.

We decide to welcome children into the world.

Everything's peachy keen.

We realized,

You know,

The medical publishing company had moved us to the East coast.

We realized our children don't have a relationship with their families.

Let's move back to the West coast so that those connections can be tighter,

Which is vital,

Vital.

So we do that and then at a very young age,

He gets cancer and we fight,

We fight.

And all of the time,

Our community was like,

You know,

What's going on,

What's going on?

And I would get these phone calls because,

You know,

Fortunately we have so many people who care about us.

And then it was like too many phone calls and I started writing emails and here's what's going on with us.

And I found it interesting to write.

I always wrote corporate stuff,

Requests for proposals,

Portfolio assessments,

Whatever it was,

Employee reviews.

This was different.

This was deep into the heart and the gut and this was our lives,

But I needed it to be interesting.

So if we felt like we were on a roller coaster ride,

I wrote it like a roller coaster.

If I felt like it was song lyrics from the eighties and whatever it was.

So I gave them these themes and more and more people wanted to be on this email list.

And I'm like,

You don't even know us,

But they want to be on the list.

Because what I heard back in reflection was these emails are teaching us how to move through life with grace and ease.

I mean,

We were talking about how do you deliver difficult news to your children?

How do you get them to be able to speak their emotions through games and age appropriate level things or activities?

And so I share all of this with my clients because many of my clients have children.

So suddenly their relationships with their children have improved.

So that's where it started.

Then I mean,

We basically went belly up because we were going to do anything to save his life and cancer is stronger than anything we could do.

So my husband passed and I sent out that email to everybody.

And then it was up to me,

What is going to happen now?

How old was he and how old were your children at the time?

So he was 44.

And this was five years ago,

So nine and 10.

Very recent.

Yeah.

So I was in bed,

Fetal position,

Soaking my pillow with tears going,

I'll just go to the other side and do it again.

And grief is complicated and ambiguous.

And if you're trying to get something done,

Grief will fill your eyes with blurry tears so you can't see when you're driving.

And grief will slam your head against the kitchen wall,

Drop you to the kitchen floor,

Put its foot on your neck and prevent you from breathing or seeing your future.

And then it will roam the house at night and smother the children.

And it's like,

Grief is no way to live.

I just,

That was not going to,

I was not going to get stuck on that one.

It needs to be acknowledged.

Right.

Obviously.

Yes.

But I,

If I can identify what grief holds that I treasure and honor that,

Then grief doesn't have a hold on me.

What would those qualities be?

Those would be the amazing relationship that I got to have with this incredible man.

Those would be that I was taught how to be in a partnership in a healthy and loving way that elevated both of us and anyone who was around us.

Those would be,

We got to invite two of the most fascinating humans into the world and I get the honor of raising them.

And that job's not done yet.

None of these jobs are done yet.

It gave me the understanding that I'm a really good partner.

And I am ready to be in a healthy relationship again.

There's so much that grief holds that I treasure that it literally propelled me forward instead of getting stuck in it.

So once I figured this whole thing out and there are seven steps to my process of moving through grief when you're going through a traumatic time,

That when a friend of mine who I went to high school with went out for a run,

Had a heart attack and died,

I thought,

Oh my God,

I don't know what to do.

And then I realized,

Oh my God,

I do know what to do.

I just gave myself chills.

It's not your news.

So I went to his widow and said,

This is never going to be okay.

I'm going to hold your hand and walk this journey with you.

So we did,

And we made sure that she had enough stability that all the decisions she was making were healthy decisions because people make some decisions that are not in their best interest for the long run.

We made sure that she had the people she needed to propel her and her children in a positive direction.

We made sure her health and self care were stabilized and prioritized.

We ensured that her career revenue and resource adjusted.

We made sure that she knew how to relationship and that she could have fun again,

Fun and diversion and be happy and laugh and see the light in life so that she too could have grief help her move forward.

And that's how I got started writing about it.

So that was my first book,

Life Worth Living,

A practical and compassionate guide to navigating widowhood and soul parenting.

And that's available on Amazon.

And so that's how things got started because then people in my community were sending me out to help other people.

And then other people were coming to me going,

Can you help me?

And it wasn't just if someone was a widow or a widower,

It was,

I just lost my job and I need a new job.

It was,

I'm in a relationship that I don't know if it's the right one.

Can you help me figure it out and how to help me determine if I should stay or should I go?

And if the choices stay,

How do we work through some of the most difficult conflicts that we have?

And if I go,

How do I leave this relationship better than when I found her and him?

So people started coming to me because they needed to build relationships with their children.

And it's,

I mean,

Each of this was one part of all of that.

And when you consider life in reverse and you only have one precious life,

You start to rearrange your priorities a little bit.

Totally.

Don't you find that that's one of the things that if there's anything good to be said for this lockdown,

Which has been horrific for the world,

Because it's the thing we've ever known before in a global sense.

I think one of the things is that people are starting to recognize what does really matter.

What are my priorities?

Before it was same old,

We'll just do this.

We've been used to doing it.

I get up,

I go to a job,

Whether I like it or I don't,

I'm doing it anyway.

I'm in the relapse.

You're on automatic pilot.

And this has made all the things that we were used to taken away.

It's like,

Who am I now?

And you need to reevaluate.

And it's like,

Oh my God,

I have seen so much creativity and people figuring out their relationships and stuff like that,

Or realizing,

I don't know,

I have a clue.

Where do I go from here?

And taking it seriously because there's been a long enough cause.

You've been finding that as well.

Exactly right.

Because what's happened is they're not sitting in traffic anymore.

And they may be,

People have been stuck in their homes with their partners and then they may have had diversion where they didn't have to deal with stuff.

And now they're in the household with their whole family and their living room has become school and playroom and office and blah.

And every elephant that was in the room before is now stampede.

Right.

So really it's all about recalibrating relationships and identifying the roles that you play.

So you had said,

Basically it's people come to me when they've had,

Or they're about to have a major life role change.

I actually this morning just got off the phone with a couple who I'm working with.

They went from individuals to a partnership and now they're welcoming in their first child.

These are major life role changes.

So we all went from knowing our routine and commuting and interacting organically with colleagues at work to,

Okay,

We're at home.

It's just us.

What are we going to do about that?

And how do we address that to make it the best relationships ever?

That's the magic.

And I mean,

I would talk to people all day long and it's like,

Wait,

You didn't turn your house into a mini golf course for your kids?

Wait,

You didn't create a diamond hunt where they had to go through the yarn and turn off sensors to get the diamond and count your espionage?

You got to intervene?

You guys.

.

.

Oh my God.

Yeah,

I think you could also just put fun coach.

Really fun coach.

Let's find out like totally off the charts ways to navigate your relationship in ways you've never thought of.

Let's have a scavenger hunt with the love letters everywhere.

So this couple I was talking to this morning,

Their life's about to change.

They're about to have a baby.

And magic always happens at week four and with my clients and I'm like,

Well,

This one's I don't,

I just know it's going to happen.

It always does.

But this one's schedule.

They're going to have a baby.

But that's a very good one.

So one of the things that they had talked about was he's actually not having any fun right now because the priorities have changed and he's already not having fun.

And it's like,

Wait a second.

And their idea of fun is different from each other.

And so,

I mean,

Don't you.

.

.

And I assume everyone can see this.

It won't take long for him to be overwhelmed.

And his inner voice is like,

Why doesn't my partner care about my happiness?

I mean,

That could be the only thing I saved them from.

And it's like,

One of the things,

So what we did,

They do date night twice a week.

And they're like,

Yeah,

That's going to have to come to a stop when the baby comes.

I'm like,

Oh,

No way.

Bye.

So this is a beautiful tradition.

It's a fantastic ritual.

And if you don't keep it on the schedule,

Then it's going to require more willpower to set that gorgeous tradition to have an intimate connection with one another.

Don't lose the partnership entirely just because you're now family.

So you keep the parts of your identity and your role that you want to step into and you infuse that into who you are becoming.

So willpower is when faced with two decisions,

Making the harder choice and you have a limited amount of it.

So I'm like,

Keep this on the schedule.

It's standard operating procedure.

What happens will probably change on the date,

How you have the date.

It might be,

You know,

The baby's sleeping.

We're going to have our date right now.

Let's go into the kitchen and light a candle and make this a magical instant meal because we're both really tired.

Maybe it's 15 seconds in the hall and you go,

We only have time for 15 seconds to be on our date,

But this is it right here.

So you can do some eye gazing,

Meet eye to eye,

Love one another for 15 seconds and go next date on the schedule.

Let's get a babysitter and actually go out together and do something that we both enjoy.

Right.

Yeah.

But it's nothing that's locked in stone.

It's really is about the commitment one decides to make and how willing they're willing to be.

I think then also just be spontaneous like that.

We've got 15 seconds.

Let's just love each other up for those 15 seconds.

It's going to be the best 15 seconds we've ever had it.

Next time babysitter.

Hello.

Hi.

15 really good seconds could be a really hot date.

Hey,

You know,

How long does it take to notice somebody's eyes across the room and smile at you?

Right.

How long does it take to walk along the street and somebody,

A stranger just smiles and you're just walking down a path and they smile and it lights up your life.

27,

Right?

Just a moment.

About 15 seconds of those.

It's a lifetime.

Wow.

So,

Lachelle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

You offer so much.

And one of the things I love that you said is that you genuinely care.

I do.

No,

You know,

You couldn't be the success you are doing what you're doing and having client success and if you didn't genuinely care.

That's true.

I think it would implode on itself at some point.

Right.

Oh,

I think it just wouldn't happen.

So like I had a client call me and she said,

My boyfriend just left.

I'm heartbroken.

I'm like,

What happened?

And it was a level one problem that he decided to make a level 10 issue and he was like,

This is what I'm going to determine the relationships over.

And she's like,

I'm heartbroken.

What do I do?

And soon thereafter he called.

I said,

Let's find you the right fit because she has been making decisions and then hoping that he's the guy.

And that's been a failed marriage.

It's been,

I mean,

We all see this.

We assume someone's going to have all the characteristics we need,

But you didn't really ask who actually are you?

Are you a Prince Charming riding in on a horse or are you a cat?

And I know a cat is a cat.

And if you are what works,

That's going to be a good fit or it's not,

You know,

You need to know that.

So this ex-boyfriend calls and says,

I would like to bring your stuff back to you.

Let's go to lunch and we can talk.

Okay.

She calls me,

What do I say?

And I said,

Well,

I'm going to tell you in three easy steps.

And so I gave her the three easy steps.

She did it.

And she immediately connected back with me and said,

For the first time in my life,

I feel empowered in my relationships.

She got exactly what she wanted.

She understands everything about who he is and everything about who he isn't.

They are now actually in a really good relationship and it may not be the forever relationship,

But she's seeing this relationship for the first time with open eyes.

Now they can step forward.

Right.

He can be,

He is authentically and he doesn't have to be who she wants him to be.

He can be who he is.

Totally different world.

Yes,

That makes me happy.

Well,

I think that for me,

That is the number one,

Uh,

Tenet for success in any relationship.

Allow somebody to be who they are.

If people,

Somebody asked me,

What are the two greatest errors that people make in online profiles?

And number one is they're projecting who they think will attract someone really lovely instead of projecting who they actually are and then attracting someone to them.

And two,

They are not choosing the right images that reflect their vibe that they want to send.

Um,

It's they're,

They're not representing themselves accurately.

Right.

Right.

So I help people with their online profiles and it's so fast that their online profile then works and brings in exactly who they were looking for.

And then they're like,

Okay,

Now we're cooking.

And then they can get into the relationship that they always dreamed of.

That's what's dreamy.

That's all.

Yes.

Sorry.

Yeah,

No,

This is fantastic.

You have given so many great tips for people who are looking to find a meaningful quality relationship in their life,

What to do,

When to reach out if they don't know what to do.

I want to thank you so much for bringing who you are to this call and to all of the people who are going to be listening and to everything that you're doing.

My pleasure.

Yeah.

I love this.

I love doing it.

Yeah.

Life is better with good love in it.

And if I can help you have good love in your life,

Then that elevates mine.

It's obvious.

Right,

It's all self serving.

Well,

It's obvious how passionate you are about what you do.

And that is so fantastic.

So where can people find you?

So people can find me at Relationshipping101.

Com.

If you go there,

You are welcome to download a copy of Essential Tips to help you create your online profile that works.

You can also connect with me and put time on my calendar.

I've actually opened up space on my calendar.

I only have room for three more clients right now.

So get on my calendar right away.

Let's chat about what's going on with you and see if I can help increase the love in your life.

Wow.

Who wouldn't want that?

I know.

Right?

Oh,

That's beautiful.

Thank you so much,

Michelle.

God bless.

Thanks,

Judy.

And enjoy your new abode and your new part of the world.

Yes.

Thank you so much for having me.

You're welcome.

Bye for now.

Thank you.