How My Sixth-Grade Self Made Me The Yoga Teacher I Am

In this talk by Julie Ela Grace, she explores how our wounds can serve as points of grace in our lives, even decades later. As an overweight kid, taunted in gym class, she examines how being bullied made her a better yoga teacher. She invites you to examine your wounds and how they might serve your journey rather than continue to hurt you.

Transcript

Hello,

And welcome to this talk on how our wounds can be great teachers and how our wounds can even become sources of deep and lasting strength.

My name is Julie Elah Grace,

And I am honored that you are joining me here today for this talk.

Thank you.

Please note that this talk is actually based on an essay that I wrote,

Which was published by Kripalu in 2018.

So thank you for that Kripalu.

Let's dive in.

For weeks now,

There has been a reoccurring memory surfacing in my mind every time I step into a yoga studio to teach a class.

I see myself at 11 years old in the gym of the middle school where I attended 6th grade.

That gym that felt enormous and was purpose-built to hold large school assemblies where we students received song and dance anti-drug messages as well as sang the national anthem.

The gym teacher's name fell into the recesses of my brain a very long time ago,

But I can still see him in my mind.

Balding,

Glasses,

Gym shorts,

Whistle around his neck,

And a bit awkward looking.

He used to be the butt of many school jokes,

Though the jokes never felt particularly malicious.

There were easier targets for the malicious jokes.

Targets like me.

Every gym class,

The students were lined up in rows,

A grid of 25 or so 6th graders.

In each gym period,

The person at the front of the row was required to lead the class in one exercise of calisthenics for the week.

The following week,

The student would move to the back of the row and wouldn't have to lead again until they returned to the front of the line.

This is possibly the only cue in the world of which anyone wishes to stay at the back.

One afternoon,

When my turn arrived,

I was required to lead push-ups.

This was a disastrous and cruel twist of fate for an overweight,

Largely unfit child.

My weight brought with it the taunts and jeers of my classmates and the label of a fat kid.

Beyond the psychological impacts of bullying and not being able to look nice in the same clothes as other girls,

Or in fact even fit in the same clothes as other girls,

I was also totally unaware of how to make my body work athletically.

Push-ups were a form of school-sanctioned torture as far as I was concerned.

But I put on a brave face.

I always did.

And I went to the front of the class and I led the exercise.

I thought I did alright.

My elbows bent,

I wanted out the push-ups,

And then I hurriedly went back to my seat when it was over.

During the next period,

My favorite period of language arts or English,

A few boys from my class began making fun of the way that I did the push-ups.

They told me that I wasn't even doing them,

And they mocked my arm movements and the shape of my rotund body.

I listened intently because despite the fact that I was being bullied,

I was also an incredibly naive and diligent child.

I wanted to know what I did wrong,

Even though I had absolutely no kinesthetic intelligence yet.

After listening to the boys,

The next time I led the push-ups,

They were better,

Even if they were barely push-ups.

I maintained a plank position and my elbows bent only slightly,

But my body shape stayed aligned.

When I questioned my tormentors afterwards,

My heart breaks for my 11-year-old self remembering this,

That I would even bother to ask them.

To their very slim credit,

They conceded that these push-ups were mildly improved,

But of course this was only after their snickering and heckling as I made my gym perp walk to the front of the class for those push-ups,

Part two.

So this memory has been floating around like falling autumn leaves for weeks now.

It feels poignant that I,

In part,

Now make a living from leading people in plank position,

Amongst many others of course.

While I rarely ask students to do push-ups,

And to be honest this is still not a strong point of mine,

I ask them to find their physical limits,

But to do so compassionately.

I ask them to learn about their bodies and how they work,

To take breaks when they need them.

I teach them in every way my 6th grade self needed to be taught,

But wasn't.

I tell them all the things that I still need to hear because despite self-awareness and many healing modalities that I practice,

Like everyone,

I still struggle sometimes when I look in the mirror.

The astounding aspect of this is that this dreadful time over 20 years ago provides a foundation for what is a positive teaching practice that resonates far beyond my 6th grade self.

When doing my teacher training program at Kripalu in 2011,

One of the trainers said to me after I led a practice session,

It's like you don't want to be seen.

And she was right,

I didn't and I still often don't.

Making eye contact with my clients during a session remains one of the hardest elements of my teaching practice even 10 years on.

Not only is it an intimate moment between two spiritual and physical bodies,

But it requires a recognition on my part that I am at the front of a room leading people in exercise and that no veil is going to lift.

No veil is going to lift and reveal a fraudulent,

Overweight 6th grader disguised in fashionable yoga leggings.

Which,

By the way,

Took me years to wear as I believe that leggings were for other women.

There is a danger in the yogic community and in many other communities of placing teachers on pedestals.

It's a danger for both parties.

For most humans,

Our earliest memories of disappointment arose from times when we perceived a loved one as less perfect than we'd previously thought or when we realized that we were less perfect than originally thought.

When I failed to make eye contact with clients in the past,

I felt guilty.

And I would usually berate myself on the drive home,

Which of course is clearly an oh-so-helpful tactic.

Until one day,

I simply accepted that this was something that was taking me years to work through.

And I reminded myself that my clients continue to come and they seem far less bothered by my eye contact issues than I am.

Sharing our flaws as yoga teachers is possibly as important,

If not more important,

Than sharing our flows.

Often also within the yogic community,

There is a tendency to try to separate teaching from personal practice,

When in fact a teaching practice can serve just as much,

If not more,

Than a personal practice.

Teaching is a personal practice,

Just of a different nature.

Teaching insists we encounter fears within ourselves about our worth,

Our appearance,

And every other facade the ego throws up for us.

Teaching also demands that we accept the moments when we fall short.

Like our clients,

Teaching forces us to simply show up on the mat and surrender.

It is a gift of communion of the divine,

Human,

Embodied experience.

Holding that yoga space requires a level of frightening truthfulness for all involved.

But when we come into it,

When we really embrace what rises up from the practice,

It tends to float away,

Much like the autumn leaves,

Bringing us to the place we always intended,

A place of yoga,

Of connection,

Of truth,

And of light.

So here is my invitation to you now.

Take some time to sit with your wounds,

With the old voices in your head that aren't even your own,

And notice what they can give you rather than take away from you.

Do they make you more empathetic?

Can they make you kinder?

Can you help someone else on their journey because of what you've been through on yours?

Remember that our experiences in life are our experiences based on how we frame them.

So can you take your wounds,

Some that still may be healing,

And use them to bring healing to others?

It's just a thought.

Thank you for being here for this talk today.

I hope something about it resonated for you,

And I wish you continued healing on your journeys in this life.

Namaste.

Reviews

Truly beautiful! 🙏🧘🏽‍♀️❤️

Thank you for your temoignage, it is indpiring, an it resonate with my path🙏🏻😌

Wowwwww, I needed to hear that brave and beautiful story. From my sixth grade little meatball to yours….I appreciate and applaud you authenticity 🤍

You are a fantastic writer! Thank you for this post.

Thank you as always for sharing your story🙏. You're such a beautiful spirit and person.❣️ I think we can all relate to that story in different ways.🦋

Loved this talk and resonated with this, thank you

Thank you for sharing your story - yes, on the surface professionalism can hide so much! But there is also much to be learned and the opportunity to grow, from any earlier trauma. Beautiful, thank you 🙂 😊🙏🏻

Gave me the great idea of reading some of my published articles on IT!! Thank you for the inspiration 💕

Oo thanks 🙏 I’ll listen again 😊

Thank you, this was lovely. As a therapist, I hope to make good use of your words… attributing them to you of course!

Loved your insight & message

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability

Lovely, thank you modeling authentisity and vulneraibilty….. 🙏🏼🌈🕊

Beautiful. Thank you for your vulnerability. I resonate with your experiences and your healing. Many Blessings to you. 🌻🐢🦋

I appreciate your poignant and relatable story. Our young selves do their best to cope, often creating more problems than they solve, at least in my case! You’ve given me a reason to reconsider what yoga could do for me. Thank you 🙏🏻 🙏🏻

Thanks Julie! We appreciate your story and admire your courage - all of our sixth grade selves stand with you. Love reaches back over decades to embrace our former selves, and to admire and thank them for their unspeakable bravery. 🙏🌈

🙏🏻 thank you so much for this I’ll have to find the article on the Kripalu website. As a Kripalu yoga teacher entering my fifth year of teaching, I can’t tell you what this “talk” meant to me, but you’ve given voice to so many of my thoughts and feelings! Jai Bhagwan 💐

Of all the talks om Insight Timer, this is one of the more important for me. Thank you, I am great full to have found you as a teacher. Best wishes from Sweden 🙏