Getting In Close

There are so many “good” reasons why I keep my distance. Some of them have to do with being professional. Some have to do with not wanting to be tainted. Some are just about being lazy.
In my experience, it takes effort to get in close. To see people in all of their distress and wholeness, sorrow and joy, grief and celebration. It takes effort but it’s effort that’s worthy
and wholesome and probably necessary in a world that pulls so hard for separation, and rewards us for not seeing one another

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 382.

Still exploring the paramita or perfection of understanding.

Last week was about getting close to sorrow as a wisdom or understanding practice.

Because if we're taking Norman Fisher as speaking for each moment,

Then understanding or wisdom means to be close to,

To be with,

No matter what the circumstances,

Right?

And another way of thinking about that is that to practice prajna paramita,

The paramita of wisdom or understanding,

Is to be with,

Is to be someone who's willing to get close,

To be close,

To be with,

Whatever the situation.

And so that begged last week's inquiry,

Which was,

What is the wisdom of getting close to moments that cause us sorrow and pain?

And it was provoked by the shootings in Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay,

California,

And then the murder of Tyree Nichols.

But the inquiry could have been provoked by any of the things that are distressing in the world today,

Or in the law.

And I think basically practicing prajna paramita,

It is that willingness,

You know?

It's the willingness to get close to everything as best we can,

Moment after moment.

And that includes sorrow,

But it also includes joy.

It includes heartbreak,

But it also includes amazement,

Frustration,

Ease,

Safety,

Danger within a range.

Some people also decide to put their own safety on the line for the greater good.

In a way,

This goes against the persistent message of the last three years,

Right?

Which was to keep our distance.

I don't know about you,

But I still do that.

Like in a line at the market,

I give people plenty of space,

Or at restaurants,

Tend to choose tables that are more secluded.

And I wonder,

After all of this collective time,

I mean,

If we think about seven billion people,

Or is it eight now?

How much of that has seeped into our psyche,

Into our bodies,

And it's showing up in keeping our emotional or psychic distance as well.

And then in our profession,

You know,

I think there are continuing messages to do that,

To keep our distance,

Which maybe these are impediments to prajna paramita.

I mean,

Plenty of times it's hard to be close to our clients' distress.

And,

You know,

This might be because we were trained to keep our emotional distance.

Or it could be because our client has been traumatized,

And we feel like we can't let their trauma near us.

We can't risk secondary or vicarious trauma.

Or sometimes it's hard to be with our clients because whatever they're experiencing seems tawdry,

And we don't want to get infected,

Right?

Or it's just distasteful.

They're distressed by not getting what they want,

Which is much more than anyone needs,

Or they're upset by circumstances they had a clear hand in creating,

Or they may be expressing their distress in appropriate ways by harming others,

Or they might be mounting an attack on us,

Right?

As if we're the bad people.

Or for other reasons,

You know,

There are any number of reasons why our professional judgment says keep our distance,

Right?

Or with colleagues,

We may not want to get too close to our colleagues' distress because we're afraid it will rub off on us,

And we'll be perceived as associated with them in some negative way,

Or associated with their distress,

Or maybe we disapprove of their distress.

Maybe there's on a subtle level,

We have this thought that they ought to be able to take it,

Or deal with it.

The older women,

When I was a very young woman lawyer,

Who basically said man up.

Or with staff,

We may feel,

We may have been trained to believe that it's not appropriate to get close.

We may not have time,

We may not be willing to make time.

We may not have the patience,

We may not be willing to cultivate it.

And with students,

I know,

You know,

We get very clear instructions not to get close for any number of,

You know,

Reasonable and also kind of heartbreaking reasons.

And then I think about the ancient texts that say the way we think and ponder becomes the inclination of the mind.

So between that and our training and the social distancing messages we've been getting for three years,

Our reluctance to be close to,

To be with,

I'm just wondering,

You know,

Is it bleeding into the ways we relate to our friends and family members,

Because states of mind,

They have a tendency to proliferate,

Right?

And then there's another component,

Or maybe it's an opponent of prajnaparamita,

Of being close to,

You know,

Being with.

But we're moving so incredibly fast.

You know,

Everything has to be done right away or a little before that.

Hold on one second.

You can probably hear I have a cold,

I had to cough.

Everything has to be done right away or before right away.

So,

You know,

How can we possibly find the time to be close to,

You know,

To be with?

And we connect.

That's what makes us good at what we do.

But connecting in a cool,

Lawyerly way,

That's wisdom without compassion,

Right?

That's a one-winged bird that's at risk of crashing and burning.

It's not the two-winged bird of mindfulness,

Right?

When we slow down,

Then compassion has the space and the time to arise.

Passion,

Which is the other wing,

The being close to,

The being with.

Wisdom allows us to be close to our clients,

Colleagues,

Staff,

Students as professionals.

Compassion allows us to be close to them and to everyone as humans.

You know,

Compassion,

Maybe that's the manifestation of our humanity.

You can think of it like that.

And then something else happens,

At least for me.

Not only does compassion or,

You know,

Humanity emerge,

But I can start to see the humanity in the person I was just about to turn away from.

I can see the good in them,

Or at least I can see that there are good parts that are trying to emerge.

I love the way that Frank Ostroszewski talks about this.

Frank wrote a wonderful book called The Five Remembrances,

And it's about his experiences over decades working with the dying at San Francisco Zen Center's hospice project,

Which he also co-founded.

And he talks about learning to be with people who are dying,

But I like his advice for all situations.

And he offers five practices,

Hence the book title,

The Five Remembrances.

He says,

Don't wait,

Which I really love.

Don't wait.

You know,

Don't wait until we're less busy.

Don't wait until we feel more comfortable.

Don't wait.

And then welcome everything and push nothing away,

Which is,

I think,

What Norman is saying when he calls understanding,

Or what does he mean close to being with?

And then bring your whole self to the experience.

So in our case,

Not just our lawyer self or our law professor self,

But also our compassionate self,

Our loving self.

The self that sees the humanity in others,

That sees our own humanity,

That sees how hard this is to do,

Maybe.

And then the fourth one is find a place of rest in the middle of things,

Which is like Tat Tramajahatata,

Which is one of the definite,

One of the words for equanimity,

Standing in the fire of things.

And really what he's,

I think he's saying is breathing,

Just taking a breath right in the middle of things.

The equanimity practice,

Which we really need.

And then cultivate don't know mind,

Which is always so counterintuitive,

I think,

For lawyers,

Right?

Because we're trained to know,

Not to not know.

But I will say that for me,

The longer I work in and around our hallowed profession,

The less I know,

And less I know,

The more understanding I feel like I have.

So,

Frank's formulation is just one,

But I like it for its breakdown of wisdom,

Of Prajnaparamita,

Into these five concrete steps to remember.

Don't wait.

Welcome everything.

Bring our whole selves to each moment.

Locate equanimity in the middle of what is so much.

And also cultivate don't know mind.

Okay,

So let's sit.

So finding a comfortable posture that supports your practice,

Supports you in this moment,

Taking a few intentional breaths just to ground yourself.

Maybe today we'll do a body scan.

So just bringing the attention to the whole body first,

Sitting or standing or lying down or walking if you're walking.

And then being intentional with the attention and bringing the attention to the top of the head and to the forehead,

To the eyes,

Letting the eyes relax back into their sockets,

Cheeks,

Nose,

Mouth,

Tongue,

Letting the tongue fall back into a relaxed position inside the mouth.

Back of the head,

Front of the neck,

The throat,

Back of the neck,

Shoulders,

Upper arms,

Elbows,

Forearms,

Wrists,

Top of the hands or back of the hands,

Palms,

Thumbs,

Index fingers,

Middle fingers,

Ring fingers,

Pinky fingers.

And then inviting the attention to flow back up the arms to the front of the chest.

Maybe noticing the rising and falling of the chest as you breathe,

And the upper back,

Belly,

Lower back,

Pelvis,

Sit bones,

The way the sit bones are connecting with the chair or the cushion if you're sitting,

Or the way the back of the body is connecting with the floor or the couch or the bed if you're lying down.

Tops of the legs,

Knees,

Lower legs,

The shins and the calves,

Heels,

Arches of the feet,

Front pads of the feet,

Tops of the feet,

Big toes,

First toes,

Middle toes,

Fourth toes,

Pinky toes,

Whole feet,

Whole legs and feet,

Feet,

Legs,

Torso,

Arms,

Feet,

Legs,

Torso,

Arms,

Hands,

Neck,

And head,

Sensing into the whole body,

Whole body breathing,

And then a couple of intentional cleansing breaths.

Thank you everyone for being on the wake-up call.

It's nice to see you.

Thank you for bearing with me with my scratchy voice.

And have a good,

Have a safe Thursday and a weekend,

And I will see you next Thursday.

Take care.