Finding Someone To Insult You

It should be easy to find someone to insult us, on social media, for example, or from among our snarkiest friends. I feel like I want to find someone every day, or let them find me, because they help me to see where I’m holding back, where I’m stuck.

If you're looking for that, too, what happens when someone shows up and we just get defensive? Or we don’t listen to learn?

And what if it’s not just one person? What if everyone is this friend, this teacher, and every insult is just an opportunity to learn how to be more kind?

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 443.

Today I want to talk about finding true friends,

The kind who will insult you.

So I have a few really good friends,

And hopefully you do too.

But the trouble with most of my friends,

Though,

Is that they're too nice to me.

They don't always tell me the truth.

And there are decent reasons for that,

You know,

They don't want to offend me,

They don't want to hurt my feelings,

They're not especially invested in me coming,

Becoming a more mindful person because,

Maybe because they like me the way that I am.

For some of them it could be that if I grow or change too much it could change their relationship.

I don't know.

But a true friend,

One who will insult me,

Is different.

And this is what Pema Chodron is talking about in Chapter 21 of The Places That Scare You where she gives us a push to develop this kind of friend,

Someone that she calls a spiritual friend.

You could call them a spiritual friend if that resonates,

You could call them a mindfulness buddy.

What Pema says is that as we develop our mindfulness practice we all need someone to guide us,

A master,

A teacher,

A spiritual friend,

Someone who knows the territory well and can help us find our way.

She studied with one of the great masters of our time,

Trompe l'oeil bichet.

And while she allows that for some people reading a book is enough,

And for some people what's wanted is a long-term student-teacher relationship,

Either way we should all also be cultivating friendships with people in our lives whose role it is not to reassure us or tell us we look good or that we're doing a great job.

Pema quotes her teacher in the opening of the chapter as saying the real function of a spiritual friend is to insult you.

So what kinds of insults are we talking about here?

Because basically we're talking about someone who's on the path,

Studying and practicing mindfulness and who will call us on the moments when we aren't paying attention,

When we aren't being open,

When we're being defensive,

And when we're trying to justify all of those old,

Crusty,

Obsolete habits and patterns of mind.

Pema was drawn to Trompe l'oeil bichet because she says she couldn't manipulate him and he knew how to cut through people's trips.

But she also says moving closer to someone who is so dangerous to the ego takes time.

Moving closer to someone who is so dangerous to the ego takes time,

Right?

This doesn't have to be somebody who we know of as a friend.

We can also be talking about someone who's not studying mindfulness at all but who provokes us,

Maybe somebody who regularly provokes us or somebody who just provokes us in the moment.

We can also be talking about the traffic.

So whether it's someone who's trying to wake up themselves or just that difficult person or just that moment,

There's that moment,

That kind of liminal moment almost for me anyway,

When it feels like there's a kind of binary choice.

Defend,

Clarify,

Hold my ground,

Attack all of my old crusty strategies,

Or invite the person to be my spiritual friend.

Invite them to say more.

Listen for understanding,

Whether it's to them or to my own reactivity or to my inner critic,

And then turns towards the person or the situation,

Care about them,

Let go of how my ego just got bruised and see what I can do to help.

Essentially,

Invite them to insult me.

And the purpose of this,

The purpose of this is to grow,

Right?

So it's important,

I think,

To not have as a conscious or even an unconscious motivation to,

For example,

Confirm that I'm not a good mindfulness practitioner,

Right?

Like I'm not trying to have someone insult me so that I have this confirmation bias.

Yeah,

I'm insultable.

I should be insulted,

Right?

We're all perfect the way we are,

Suzuki Roshi said,

The founder of San Francisco Zen Center.

And we could all use a little improvement.

So we could all use a little improvement.

And it's important not to skip over the first phrase of that teaching.

We're also all perfect the way we are.

So this is how I break down being insulted.

There's the thing I've just said or done and which the other person either calls me on or is reacting to.

And then there's how I respond.

Because once I've said or done the thing,

It's said,

It's done.

Something disparaging or angry or selfish has just come out of my mouth.

And as the Zen folks say,

I can't unring the bell.

So then what?

How do I respond when someone is clearly hurt or angry with me or has the presence of mind to say,

You know,

That thing you just said or did that was rotten?

That wasn't nice.

I can say,

I was not,

I am not,

I did not.

I'm being reasonable.

You don't understand.

I can do that.

That dance.

Dance that I've practiced for a lot of my life.

Or I can say,

Thank you.

I understand.

Or I don't quite see it.

Could you please say more?

And then I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'll work on it.

Please tell me if it happens again.

Emma puts it like this.

At some point,

There's an important change in our allegiance.

I love the word allegiance here.

Instead of always identifying with our neurosis,

We begin to have confidence in our basic intelligence and kindness.

And I think what she means is our basic ability to be with the truth of having caused harm,

The truth of having become reactive,

And the desire to apologize,

Make amends,

Help out the other person and not do it again.

Or at least not so often,

Right?

We're not.

We're perfect,

And we're not perfect,

And we're never going to be perfect.

I would love to be able to say to all of you that I do that second thing,

That thank you thing most of the time.

With work stuff,

I can say I do it more.

I do it more than I once did.

With my daughter,

My partner,

Sometimes with a family member,

Another family member,

I still notice how tightly I hold onto my ego.

You know,

How deep my tendency is still to say,

You know,

That thing I just said or did,

That can't be right because that's just not me,

Right?

Have that moment of like,

That's not me.

I couldn't have done or said that thing because that's not me yet.

So does this sound familiar at all to you?

Pema says it should.

You know,

She reminds us once again that the main point is always how we work with our own minds.

Once we click into solid views of justification or blaming,

Our minds become very small.

Closing down in any form causes suffering to escalate.

So I'll give you my favorite most recent example.

This happened to me just the other day,

And it was right after last week's wake up call when I was talking all about Pema's instruction on how to lighten up and turn around our well established habits of striking out and blaming,

Right?

So right after I was offering that to all of you,

My aunt,

Who's more like a sister to me,

Sent me what felt like a snarky text,

And I wrote back an equally snarky one.

And in fact,

Mine might have been worse because I was fully aware that I was doing it,

Which is,

Of course,

The downside of our mindfulness practice.

We see what we're doing,

And I'm not sure she was.

So instead of inviting my aunt to be my spiritual friend,

Noticing my activation,

Realizing my ego was involved,

And that I was about to fire back and double down on the snarkiness that had just come my way and that she probably wasn't even aware of,

So meaning instead of using my practice,

I did.

I fired back.

I doubled down.

And it took about an hour,

But finally,

The irony did surface,

And so then I had to call and apologize,

And I had to do that without demanding she reciprocate and making a promise to myself to not bear a grudge if she didn't reciprocate.

So I did call back,

And she did not apologize,

And it felt,

Yeah,

Not good.

I'm not going to lie.

At first,

It felt excruciating,

If I'm being honest,

But it also felt right,

And more than anything else,

It felt like a relief.

It felt like a relief,

And so Pema calls this limitless love.

We invite everyone to be our spiritual friend,

And in doing that,

We love them,

Even if they're our difficult person,

Even if they're our most difficult person,

Because we're committed to waking up,

And we're committed in doing that to caring more about them and everyone else and helping out than about our own bruised ego.

So let's,

Let's see.

Is that finding whatever is a posture right now that would support you,

If you're seated or standing or walking,

If you're driving,

Whatever posture you're in,

Bringing as much stillness to the moment as you can,

Stillness,

Settledness,

Just dropping into the present moment,

Into the body,

How is your body this morning,

How are you feeling,

How are you feeling right now,

How are you feeling right now,

How are you feeling right now,

How are into the body,

How is your body this morning?

Sometimes it can just be the body that is the teacher,

The spiritual friend,

Noticing a pain,

A concern,

A limitation,

A sense of tiredness or hunger or impatience,

Then locating the breath and just beginning to practice with following the breath from the beginning of the in-breath all the way to the top of the in-breath,

The pause at the top,

And then as the breath flows back out,

And then at the bottom of the out-breath,

Again,

The breath coming in and out,

And then seeing if,

Seeing if there is someone in your life who is your spiritual friend,

Could be someone who you have an agreement with to really call one another out or call one another in,

We could say,

Into the practice,

Back to the practice,

Who you have an agreement with to try to wake up together,

Maybe you're fortunate enough to have that friend,

Or maybe it's your partner,

Or maybe it's a teacher,

And seeing if there is some moment that you can be grateful for,

For them having,

Having pointed something out to you that has,

That landed well,

And that has really stuck with you.

Might not have been easy,

And if you have that,

Just sending some gratitude to this person,

Gratitude for,

For being willing to speak frankly with you,

And,

And maybe being open to hearing back from you,

Just gratitude for helping you wake up a little bit,

And then maybe,

Maybe there's someone that you can recall in the last day,

Or week,

Or month,

Who activated you,

Brought up reactivity,

And maybe you caught it,

And maybe you didn't,

It's okay either way,

Meaning maybe you caught it before you reacted,

Or maybe you didn't,

And is there,

Is there some gratitude for that person,

Or the person you can't manipulate,

And who knows how to cut through your trips,

And if there is,

Just send some gratitude to that person,

And then last,

But definitely not least,

Some gratitude for yourself,

For being interested in this work,

And for being willing to see those moments,

When you're holding back,

When you're clenching,

When you're feeling reactive,

Maybe it's gratitude to yourself,

And a little bit of gratitude to the practice,

And then instead of sending that out,

Just take that with you today.

Thanks everyone for being on the wake-up call today,

Stay safe out there,

Have a really nice Memorial Day weekend,

Yeah,

And I hope that your memories of those people who are part of your Memorial Day are sweet,

And yeah,

Be kind to yourself,

Take care.