Trying To Co-Parent While Hurting?

There's likely going to come a time when your child asks you to tell them all the details of what went wrong in your marriage.

And here's my advice to my clients.

Don't tell them.

I'm Joanna.

I've worked with couples navigating divorce for 20 years.

And here's why.

Telling your child the details of what went wrong between you and their other parent.

Is only gonna stress them out.

Bring them into feelings like they have to choose a side.

And now they're in the middle of this messy separation.

Here's how to respond to your child in a way that doesn't involve lying or oversharing.

The first step is to set a boundary.

This is between your dad and I.

What went on between us is grown-up stuff.

I want you to continue to have a relationship with him.

Reassuring your kids that it wasn't their fault,

That they're loved by everyone and can love everyone,

That you will always be their parent,

And that something you and their other parent will always have in common is how much you love them and want the absolute best for them.

The third step is to validate their feelings.

A lot of times expanding upon the problems that your dad and I were having aren't things you need to worry about or even know about.

All you need to know is that it wasn't your fault,

That it's okay,

And that we love both of you.

There will be changes and we're going to navigate them together.

It's normal to be unsettled by this change.

If you feel sad or confused,

I want to assure you it's going to get easier and we're here for you.

In setting that boundary that you're not going to tell them about what went wrong in the relationship,

No matter how old they are.

This is one of the deepest forms of love and protection for your child.

I think it's helpful to add that this advice only applies when children haven't witnessed domestic violence or abuse or intense conflict.

If they've experienced those kind of things,

They need to be able to talk about that with you or a professional.

They'll likely need some support with what they saw and overheard.