What To Do In The First 10 Minutes After A Fight

You just had a fight & now you are sitting in separate rooms, wondering if you should go talk it out or just let it go....either option feels terrible.

What happens in the 1st 10 minutes after a fight decides whether you move toward repair or resentment.

In this video, I walk you through a simple practice that creates connection even when you are both still activated.

Transcript

The fight is over.

You're both exhausted.

And neither of you really knows what to do next.

What happens in the first 10 minutes after that argument is more important than most people realize.

This is when the internal decision is made about whether you move forward toward repair.

Or toward resentment.

Most couples tend to do one of two things.

They either retreat to opposite ends of the house.

Withdrawn and hurt.

Or they immediately try to process what went wrong while their whole body is flooded and stressed.

Neither of those options are great.

And when you try to process immediately,

I've found you're kind of asking your brain to do something it can't really do yet.

After a fight,

Your nervous system is still incredibly activated.

Your thinking brain is kind of offline.

Trying to have a rational conversation and sort through what came up.

While you're still emotionally flooded,

Is like trying to read a book while running a sprint.

You know,

It's just not going to really work.

Shutting down or shutting your partner out typically leads to you building your own version of events inside of your own mind.

Often it's like putting another brick in that wall of well-worn resentments and all of those hurts that have accumulated over the years.

So what are you supposed to do instead?

I'd like to suggest creating a bridge.

It's a small intentional action that signals.

We're not okay yet.

But we will be.

Here's what it looks like in real life.

I'll never forget working with Elena and Chris.

They'd been together for 12 years by the time we started working together.

And they were good at a lot of things.

Parenting went really well.

They had the same values.

They had a great communication style.

But after a fight.

.

.

Things were terrible.

They would either completely avoid each other for hours,

Or one would try to talk it through before the other was ready.

Which would kind of reignite the whole thing.

When they came to see me,

I taught them what I'm going to share with you here today.

This idea of building a bridge.

So after a fight,

Before trying to process everything that happened,

Here's what I suggested that they could do.

First,

Take a moment to kind of just physically separate.

Catch your breath.

Not separating in anger,

But really intentionally.

Going into different rooms,

Taking that space,

Really letting the body start to settle.

So they would each do something that would feel soothing to them.

So it's important that it's not distraction,

But it's really about regulation.

And so for Elena,

What worked for her was splashing her face with cold water.

And Chris,

He preferred to step outside.

And really just focus on deep breathing.

So these are very simple actions that signal to the body the threat is over.

And then a few minutes later,

You know,

Sometimes they'd negotiate 10 minutes,

Sometimes 30 minutes was needed.

One of them would reach out with a simple gesture.

So I'm not talking about an apology or even getting into an explanation.

This is about the signal.

That says I'm here.

We're still okay.

And so sometimes it was as simple as walking into the room and making eye contact.

Sometimes it was a hand on the shoulder.

Getting the message across that,

Yes,

We had a fight.

But we're still connected.

The importance of this practice is it gave them each time to calm down.

Before even attempting the repair.

It also prevents the fight from turning into emotional distance.

That for some couples can last for days and even wheat.

The repair conversation can happen when they're both feeling ready.

Willing to look at what built up to this place where it escalated into such a conflict,

So that hopefully we can stop repeating that same trigger,

That same hurt.

I think what I see in many of the couples that I've worked with over the years is they try to fix the fight as quickly as possible.

But the real work is to stay connected while you're both still activated.

Repair is not about how quickly it's done.

It's more about the sequence of how you reconnect.

In order to keep what's most important is what the fight is actually connected to so you can repair it once and for all.

So it's super important that you regulate yourself first.

Bring your nervous system back online so that you can get out of fight or flight and back into the part of you that's connected,

Body,

Mind,

Letting the heart lead,

So that when you reconnect,

It's not with words necessarily,

But it's your presence.

It's that loving look.

It's a touch.

It's a gesture that says,

I'm still here and we're going to find our way through this.

And then you can approach repair.

The sense of feeling regulated and ready,

Ready to meet the issue with calm,

To explore what it's really about.

When you're both feeling settled enough,

To actually hear each other.

If you skip straight to repair without that regulation and reconnection first,

You're trying to build that bridge while the river is still flooding.

It's not gonna hold.

And often we end up doing more damage while we're trying.

We know our partner so well.

We know the buttons that hurt.

We don't want to be pushing those.

If you think now about your arguments,

What do you think might change if you took those 10 minutes to create that bridge?

To do something that works for you,

To find your regulation.

To restore reconnection and then approach repair from that much clearer place.

For Elena and Chris,

Everything that came after those intense arguments they found themselves in,

That easier.