The Myth of Forgiveness,
Chapter One.
The bathroom window is cracked,
Letting in the cool breeze of late September in the Adirondack Mountains.
Wishing she could remain in her daydream,
Lauren stares out the window,
Seeing the leaves already turning into golds,
Oranges,
And reds.
Imagining herself walking in the trees,
Surrounded by this swirl of color,
A place where she can escape the intensity of her thoughts,
Lauren sits on the edge of the bathtub,
Bringing herself back into this moment.
She notices her hands are trembling as she reaches towards the counter,
Picking up a white stick with two faint pink lines.
She stared at it as though she hadn't been hoping for this very thing for years.
Pregnant.
She was pregnant.
She felt the next exhale through her whole body.
This was what she and Nathan had wanted for years,
What they had poured money,
Time,
And endless doctor visits into.
Still,
Her breath caught in her chest as though she were teetering on the edge of a cliff instead of just on the edge of her bathtub.
She curls her toes under the plush bath mat,
Hoping it will ground her into the here and now.
Her heart pounding,
Each beat a mix of shock and exhilaration,
Mixing together while it feels like her heart might jump right out of her body.
She sinks into the bathtub,
Supported by the cool walls of the tub,
Feeling the walls of the tub holding her steady.
She knows she needs all the steadiness she can get right now.
With each breath,
She knew.
Deep down,
She knew.
Nathan's test results had been conclusive.
His sperm count was nearly non-existent.
This child growing inside of her was almost certainly not his.
She feels frozen in place,
Looking over at the bathtub taps,
Considering turning on the warm,
Soothing water,
Even though she has no intention of getting undressed.
Shaken out of this thought,
She heard the roar of Nathan's motorcycle,
Echoing like a wild animal down their quiet street.
He revved the engine outside,
And she couldn't help releasing a heavy sigh.
He was always reaching for the next rush,
The next distraction,
Always seeking a thrill.
Lauren closed her eyes,
As if by doing so,
She'd avoid a conversation she knew would be coming at some point.
As she rose from the tub,
She set the pregnancy stick gently on the counter,
As if it might shatter,
And pressed her palms against the sink.
In the mirror,
Her face looked pale,
Almost ghost-like.
Her eyes ringed with a mix of worry and exhaustion.
Nathan's laugh drifted up from the garden below,
Deep and carefree,
As guilt surged throughout her entire body.
He was probably picking fresh herbs from their garden for the dinner he mentioned,
Wanting to cook for her that night.
Should she tell him now?
The thought raced through her mind.
Realistically,
How long could she wait?
Her thoughts tended to be moving even faster now that she knew he'd be running up those stairs any minute,
Dirt under his fingernails,
Hair tossed from the bike ride,
With love in his eyes as he scooped her up the way he always did when he came through the door.
Should she tell him now?
Realistically,
How long could she wait?
Thoughts are racing even faster now that she knows he'll walk through that door any minute,
Dirt under his fingernails,
Hair tossed from the bike ride,
With love in his eyes,
And scoop her up the way he always did when he came through the door.
She just couldn't believe this was happening.
After all they'd been trying for years,
Enduring a series of tests at the fertility clinic,
And how all of that had messed up the spontaneity and passion of their sex life with timing everything just right,
Followed by month after month of disappointment.
Could this hell they both felt trapped in finally be over?
She couldn't help but reflect on all the months she'd taken tests like this one,
Staring at the single pink line that felt like the deepest disappointments she'd ever known.
Often,
Followed by dark days of despair that Nathan tried to pull her out of at first,
She knew the years of trying wore him down too.
Over the last several months of disappointment,
He'd retreat instead of reaching out for connection or support.
Now,
Faced with the double lines she'd longed to see,
She felt completely torn between the two loves she'd held,
One her mind had chosen,
And one her soul had recognized.
Hey Lauren,
Nathan's voice thundered up from outside,
Cutting through her spiral of thoughts.
Come ride with me,
The sun's out,
The day is stunning.
The mountain bikes leaning against the garage,
The trail that wound through the aspens already touched with early autumn gold,
Seemed to call to Nathan,
The ritual that had sustained them through the hardest months,
When her body felt like it wouldn't cooperate,
And then what they could do together was get on the bikes and ride,
When they were each in their own world,
Moving through the disappointment and hurt in their own way.
Lauren startled,
Her hands shaking as she shoved the test into the bathroom drawer,
Burying it beneath expired medications and forgotten hair ties,
Inside this closed drawer,
Just tucked away for now.
She forced her voice steady,
As if she could swallow the sinking feeling threatening to overtake her,
Sure Nathan,
Just a minute.
She leaned against the sink,
Once more,
Her knuckles white against the porcelain,
As she studied her reflection.
Could Nathan see it,
The guilt written across her features,
Like some sort of confession?
Would he know the moment he looked at her,
That everything had changed?
She thought of Nico,
Wondering what he was doing at that very moment,
Knowing that this would bind them together in ways that went far beyond the history they tried so hard to believe was in the past.
Nico was just three years older than Nathan,
But had always felt older and wiser by at least a decade,
With such a deep understanding of the world and all the emotional complexities of life.
She thought ahead to holiday plans that were spoken about a few weeks ago.
She couldn't help but realize that by then,
She'd be showing.
Even with a little baby bump,
There would be no hiding what happened.
She whispered the words only the walls could hear,
Her voice barely more than a whisper.
What am I going to do?
The despair she felt was overwhelming.
With another deep breath,
She hoped to tuck the heavy emotions inside before seeing Nathan.
She's standing at the edge of a conversation that would change everything.
