I think one of the hardest parts about being someone who grew up with emotionally immature is that you don't realize how much it's still affecting your relationship today.
Until you're deep in patterns that feel impossible to break.
I used to think my childhood was fine because nobody was screaming or throwing things.
My parents didn't harm each other physically or with words.
But just because emotional immaturity is quieter,
It doesn't mean that it doesn't leave scars.
It's a parent who couldn't handle their own feelings,
Let alone help you with yours.
It's being the one who had to manage their moods or tiptoe around their reactions and even become their emotional support system.
When you were just a kid.
A client of mine once shared something with me that stopped me in my tracks.
She said,
I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells in my relationship.
I over explain myself.
I apologize for things that aren't even mine.
I take on my partner's moods.
I just feel so stuck.
When we dug in a little deeper,
She realized this actually wasn't new.
She'd grown up in a home where she learned to manage her mom's feelings just to keep the peace.
So in her adult relationships,
She was just repeating it.
Unconsciously picking partners who felt emotionally distant,
Maybe unavailable,
Or who needed her to keep them steady.
It felt familiar.
Almost like home.
Even though it was so draining.
The shift started in these tiny,
Ordinary moments,
Like when her partner came home clearly stressed and right away her brain went to,
Oh no,
What did I do wrong?
Or how do I fix this so that we still get to have a good evening?
And then one day,
She caught herself.
She thought,
Hold on.
This is probably not about me at all.
Maybe he's just had a rough day.
And I don't need to swoop in and take it all on.
I certainly don't mean to make it all about me.
There was this shift.
Inside of that new way of thinking.
And it changed everything.
She could sit beside her partner and he was feeling what he was feeling,
But she didn't have to make it her responsibility.
Somehow make it lighter,
Make it better.
That he could have his stress and that was that.
And she got to decide to do what she wanted to do with the rest of her evening.
It was such a relief.
Like she finally had room to breathe inside of her own relationship.
If you learn to love this way because once upon a time it was the only way to feel safe.
The only way you knew how to stay connected inside of that relationship.
Love doesn't have to cost you so much anymore.
There's beautiful news that these old lessons can be unlearned.
A love where you are cherished,
Not for how well you manage somebody else's storms.
But for simply being you.
If you're hearing this and thinking,
Ugh.
That would be amazing.
I don't even know how I would get there.
To know that you are not handling this alone.
There are so many of us learning to love in new ways that are healthy,
That include our well-being.
