That many of you have read the books and you've done tons of reflecting.
Maybe you've even invested in therapy and likely sitting with many of the hard questions that come up,
Usually in the middle of the night.
You know,
They wake us up,
This sense of you're on your growing path and you might feel yourself drifting apart from your partner who you perceive isn't growing at the same pace.
And so maybe you're starting to feel that shift or that distance,
And you're noticing more clarity.
In yourself,
In your own behaviors,
In your own stuck patterns,
And you're seeing the patterns of the relationship much more clearly.
And hopefully with all that you've invested in your time and your transformation,
You're responding differently than you used to.
And the work that you're doing is sort of showing up in real time,
In the moment,
Inside of your relationship.
And so even the title of today's workshop,
I'm growing faster than my partner.
That sentence in itself carries a hidden assumption.
It assumes growth is some kind of straight line,
Or that life doesn't have all these potholes that we know it has,
The kinds that tend to swallow you whole.
There can be painful aspects of life that positive thinking or even meditation can't seem to lighten.
We're growing through that compression or those series of patterns that make us feel like it could pull us under.
Your partner might be ignoring what feels most important in your life or in your couples,
In your relationship right now.
Or maybe you're growing in ways that feel invisible and kind of only you can feel,
Sense,
Or know those changes.
Or maybe they're stuck in a place that you recognize,
Oh gosh,
I used to be there.
And you're frustrated by where they might be stuck or unwilling to meet you.
And your partner might be adamant that there's nothing for them to change.
We know it's a big red flag when there's this comment,
No,
No,
No,
It's all up to you.
It's your problem.
You want this to change.
You're the one that should go to therapy or you're the one that should focus on some of this change.
And that can be so disheartening if that's some of what you're hearing back from your partner.
So most of what we're going to focus on today are themes like disconnection.
Themes like misunderstanding in communication.
And I think a big part of what we're going to talk about today,
Too,
Is what we tell ourselves about the situation and how it might feel familiar,
Of feeling left out,
Of feeling misunderstood.
This can be a huge part of this whole dilemma.
And so throughout our time together,
I have a series of,
I call them reflection questions,
Because as I shared at the beginning,
I want this to be meaningful to you as you're listening so that you can go back into your relationship with a shift of perspective.
And you can go back into your own thoughts and your own feelings and support yourself from this very meaningful new understanding.
And so let's start with the first question.
Grab your journal and give yourself just a minute or two to answer.
Because this is going to direct so much self-awareness and I hope so much clarity and release.
And so that first reflection question.
Is when did you first notice the gap?
Not when did it become painful,
But when did you first feel it?
Notice what are some of the thoughts.
And also,
What did you realize?
And so I'm just going to be quiet here and I'll put a little timer on for a minute.
And just encourage you to give that some reflection.
Whether you close your eyes and think it through or bring your journal out.
And make a few notes.
When did you first notice the gap?
For some of us,
It can be surprising how long ago it was.
For some of us,
It might feel like,
Oh,
It's always been there.
We're looking for clarity.
And information here.
Connecting also what you realized.
About the gap.
With many of my clients I hear,
Oh wow,
This is actually how I feel in a lot of my friendships too.
This is how I felt growing up with my siblings.
Maybe I've always been the one really dedicated to growth,
Really curious about spirituality.
I was the one attending the retreats.
I was the one diving in to this kind of thing.
And so,
Of course,
These reflection questions might bring up further questions or comments or shares.
The comments section is open.
I'd love to hear what it's bringing out for you.
What I see in the couples that I work with over the past 20 years is that when one person starts to grow,
The things and what goes on in the relationship can't help but to shift.
I think that all relationships have a set point.
Like a familiar temperature,
The way things kind of go.
And the relationship itself tries to return to that set point,
That comfortable temperature.
That maybe isn't actually comfortable once you really start to see these patterns and the ways we might continue to hurt each other.
The ways that ongoingly create pain or distance where resentment really builds.
So then when you start to change,
It might feel something like the relationship pushes back.
Think about it this way,
You have your own field,
Your partner has theirs,
And there's the co-field of the relationship.
I like to think of it as the collection of all of the experiences we've had,
Good,
Bad,
Indifferent,
The resentments that build up,
The hopes,
The expectations,
The ways that we are trying to heal what was left unhealed inside.
All those years ago,
Stemming back from our childhood.
And so sometimes it might look like him becoming more withdrawn just as you're starting to open up.
And other times it might look like you holding yourself back,
Really just trying to keep the peace,
Trying to keep things steady.
Maybe that even means shrinking down to fit an old shape that felt familiar and easy.
And so let's explore together how you might move through all of these shifts and changes within yourself.
Without,
I'm going to say,
Compromising what you need most inside of your relationship,
Or what many of us fear,
Losing the relationship itself.
And so let's move along to reflection question number two.
How have you been managing this gap?
And let's be honest,
Maybe you're the only one that actually has a name for or notices the gap.
Have you been pushing your partner to catch up?
For fear that if they don't,
You might lose the relationship.
I've seen it happen with many of the clients I've worked with.
They end up hiding their growth.
To avoid conflict,
Again,
At the end of the day,
In hopes to keep their relationship together.
Do you find yourself pulling away,
Silently hurt or angry,
Or maybe even grieving quietly?
There's no wrong answer here.
I just want you to name what's true for you.
Because we're afraid of losing those key friendships and family relationships.
We are really organized internally to belong.
So who do you need me to be to fit in?
And so as we start on our healing path,
On our self-awareness journey,
That might automatically create differentiation from family member,
Friends,
And her spouse.
And so how do we keep that conversation open?
How do we own?
It's okay to be different.
It's okay to view the world with a different perspective that my belonging is secured.
That we don't have to hustle to belong.
That I belong because I'm your daughter,
I'm your sister,
I'm your niece.
That doesn't change just because I vote this way and you vote that way.
Or I'm on a committed healing journey to self-awareness and you distract and avoid at all costs.
I think it gets so much louder inside of our intimate relationship.
And so give some thought to that very important question,
How have you been managing the gap?
Have you been pushing your partner to catch up,
However unconsciously?
Feeling like it's going to be so much better for them when they can just heal this piece.
Because if they don't heal that piece,
It ends up hurting me and it puts our relationship at risk.
Again,
This is not about judgment or building a case.
This is about getting clarity for you.
I think that many of us assume the gap is connected to something like.
.
.
He's not interested in doing his personal work or she just doesn't want to go there.
It's too painful.
They just won't join me in therapy or they're not going to want to come along to this workshop or this retreat.
He never reads the books,
I suggest.
I just don't see them making an effort to improve our relationship.
And so let's look deeper than that.
Let's look underneath what might be going on some of the ways we're feeling hurt,
Defensive,
Let down.
Both of you came into this relationship with,
I call it a template or an imprint,
Of how relationships feel.
You know,
How much change is actually safe.
How conflict is expressed and what is tolerable.
Like how honest can I really be?
How loud can I really get?
How long can I kind of go into hiding?
Without risking our connection.
I think some of us grew up in families where growth was really celebrated or curiosity was welcomed.
Where it was safe to become something different than what was known inside of the family.
And then some of us grew up in families where staying small was how you secured that sense of belonging,
How to stay loved,
How to stay close-knit.
Where being too much or too opinionated or too ambitious or even too self-aware made you the difficult one.
That if the concept of the family is we don't talk about difficult things and you are on a path of radical honesty,
We can see how that's going to have a collide.
It's like a silent but very clear message.
Don't outgrow us.
And then of course,
So you've got your version of whatever that is,
And your partner has theirs.
Maybe that resistance to growth is not about apathy or laziness,
But maybe a deeply wired instruction that says,
People who change,
Leave.
Or change then brings more conflict and distance,
More complexity.
Or maybe this thought of if I ask for help,
If I get vulnerable and then need to reach out for help.
That's just too much.
If you get messy,
Meaning emotional,
Vulnerable,
The other person will leave you in judgment or somehow make you wrong.
Or the person that I'm supposed to be.
That's how I belong to my family.
Doesn't do this,
Doesn't go to therapy,
Doesn't read these books,
Doesn't do this kind of inner work.
Instead,
It gets made fun of.
I came from a family where the term was navel-gazing.
Don't get lost in navel-gazing.
Thinking that any sort of self-inquiry was selfish.
And then of course made fun of.
So this doesn't make that resistance okay,
But it does make it understandable.
And understandable is where we're starting.
And so let's move along to reflection question number three.
I want you to consider or think back.
What was the message about growth in your family?
Were people who changed internally,
Were they celebrated?
Or were they quietly punished by being pushed out,
Laughed at behind their back?
Or if you were to share,
Hey,
I went to this meditation retreat.
Oh,
I feel so good that that's now the running joke at the family table.
Was self-awareness thought of as a value or some kind of threat?
And what do you imagine that message was?
In your partner's family.
Being able to have self-inquiry,
Self-reflection,
And then to understand,
As whatever you've been told about your partner's family stories,
To begin to fill in the blanks of why they might do what they do.
Or get stuck where they get stuck in your relational closeness.
So let me just give you a moment.
With that question.
And just give you a few more minutes with that question.
What was the message about growth in your family?
And then anything you might be able to connect.
About the message.
In your partner's family.
In my work with couples,
I've watched this dynamic play out.
In three distinct ways.
And I thought it might be helpful to kind of break that down and share that with you.
Because maybe you relate to one of them.
And so a pattern I see a lot of.
Is something around sort of like teacher-student.
So one partner becomes like the authority on growth,
On emotional intelligence and resolving stored pain.
You know,
They bring home the books and they share the podcast and they open up the difficult conversations.
And of course,
You know,
I can see myself in that description.
The intention is love.
I want us to get better.
This is making so much sense to me.
I want to bring it in to us.
But the impact over time.
Is that the relationship becomes like some sort of classroom.
And no one wants to feel like the slow learner in their own home.
Inside of their own loving connection.
So if we're the teacher and our partner is feeling like they can't keep up,
We're often trying to close that gap through information.
But the gap is not an information problem.
It's much more nervous system regulation.
It's much more the leaning in to in the moment,
How we don't turn conflict into pulling each other's sensitive points under.
And how we go about repair.
And so we'll talk about all of that a little bit later.
The second pattern I see quite a bit of is that you kind of stop sharing your inner life.
Because it's just not been received very well.
You find your depth in other friendships,
Maybe in your own personal therapy,
In the reading that you dedicate yourself to,
In the practices,
Your sort of morning practice.
You start to build this beautiful,
Rich inner life.
That your partner is not really a part of.
And of course,
This creates distance and builds maybe a bit of a wall or some resentment.
And so we want to just be aware again,
Wow,
Have I started doing that?
Because I'm so disappointed that when I've brought that exciting book or this thing,
I'm really,
It's working for me.
It kind of gets shut down.
And so this is the way you've tried to stay in the relationship while remaining committed to what is important to you.
The third pattern I call the ultimatum loop.
So one is growing and the other is sort of stuck.
And maybe she's reached her limit and here comes the ultimatum.
So that is either direct.
And spoken clearly or it's sort of unspoken,
But there's all of these.
Sometimes it's passive aggressive and sometimes it's through behavior.
That makes that really clear.
And so sometimes when that ultimatum is spoken,
There's this kind of like temporary shift.
And hope returns.
The shift fades.
And we go back to the patterned ways of relating.
And maybe that person is growing more,
And then the cycle repeats.
And so you can imagine each loop,
Each time we go through something like this,
It leaves both people just a little more exhausted.
And maybe even a little less trusting or even hopeful that real change is possible.
So this can be a really difficult place to find yourself in.
Let's move on to the next reflection question.
So that concept of what's most familiar to you.
And of course,
I would love for you to inquire,
Is there another version that you're experiencing?
It's not quite number two,
But it's a little bit similar.
And here's how it shows up in my relationship.
Here is the most important part of this question.
Give some thought to what the cost of this pattern has been for you and for the relationship.
Let's just sit with that.
For 30 seconds.
What's been the cost?
It'll probably be a bit of a different cost for you personally.
Then it will be for the relationship.
Another consideration for this is that the gap between partners is only one piece of the challenge.
I think the deeper problem here is the story that each person is telling themselves about what that gap really means.
And so maybe she's telling herself,
Well,
This just means we're incompatible.
This just means I've outgrown the relationship.
This just means I have to choose between myself.
And my relationship.
And maybe he's stuck in telling himself.
It just feels like I'm not enough.
And she's pulling away from me.
And if I let this change,
That she's sort of ahead on me with the change and I'm falling back,
I'm going to lose her.
But if I submit to all this change she's asking me to do,
I'm going to lose myself.
And so we've got these two individual experiences with one gap.
And with very different fears or concerns just kind of running underneath.
So when you can see that his fear.
Is really outlining something different than your own.
We start to be in acknowledgement of what can shift.
And I'm not saying that that solves everything.
But it creates one thing that many stuck relationships are missing.
Curiosity.
Curiosity gets to be the doorway.
And it replaces that story that's up in our mind with a very potent question.
I think what surprised me most in working with couples for 20 years is how much of the time we step into a session.
And each side of the couple has a completely different version of the relationship.
If we weren't in the room together,
I would question,
Is this even the same relationship?
Because we are making meaning out of what our partner is saying and doing.
All day long and they're probably doing the same for us to a varying degree.
And so a big part of that is trying your best to have disarming conversations,
To get curious instead of furious,
And try to understand what's happening over there.
Because as human beings we are meaning making machines and we can often run away with something because it's based on our old wounding.
It's based on an imprint.
My dad was a workaholic and never cared about what was important to me and my spouse doesn't care about what's important to me.
So now those two things hook and off we run with feeling undervalued,
Underappreciated and our spouse has no idea that this train has left the station and so doesn't know how to speak to it.
And so the more that we can,
I really actually lean on nonviolent communication as a great way to sort of express when you do X,
I end up feeling,
Or here's what I'm making it mean.
It's not a blaming statement.
It's an invitation in that here's,
Here's what's happening over here for me.
And I'd love to understand what's happening over there for you.
This is what invites in growth at their own rate.
And their own speed and allows you hopefully on the other end to feel much more connected and that's really important.
So reflection question number five is really about that.
What story are you telling yourself about what his pace of growth means?
And what if you were to get genuinely curious about what his pace might be protecting him from?
What would your best guess be?
Knowing the family he grew up in.
What might it be protecting him from?
And just allowing yourself to free write.
Or if you've got your eyes closed and you're reflecting,
Let that truth rise up to the surface of your awareness to get out of the patterned way of thinking.
And to really allow the deepest clarity.
To speak to you.
There is no technique.
There's just no technique that I know of that creates growth in another person.
No amount of pressuring your partner to become more self-aware or willing to be more curious and open-minded about healing.
If they simply aren't open or have that natural readiness to begin.
Now,
I don't say that to discourage you,
But actually to free you from an exhausting project.
What you can do is change the conditions.
The conditions that actually tend to close a partner down.
Things like feeling evaluated or feeling like they're the problem.
Feeling like there's a right answer,
But they keep getting it wrong.
So there are conditions,
You could think of it like an environment.
That tend to welcome in,
Invite in a partner.
That sense of feeling safe.
Feeling respected for really what is important to them,
Where they're coming from.
And really where they already are.
So just imagine for yourself the feeling of wanting to actually be much more welcomed and invited.
Tough,
Challenging relationship situation when you become someone other than who you are at the time of that initial attraction and coming together.
Right now,
It seems unfair to the person who just wants you to be the same person that you were.
What a profound reflection.
Because when I think about when I first met my partner,
Well,
20 years ago,
I'm an incredibly different person than I was then.
If your partner is slower to grow or slower to adopt these sort of growth movements,
It's exactly what Amma is explaining.
And so.
It's interesting the word unfair seems unfair to the person who just wants you to be the same person that you were.
And so if we look at that word fair,
Is it fair for your partner to expect that you remain the exact same?
And so maybe that's the deepest risk about loving another is the inherent growth that is weaved into being human.
And the things that happen to us.
It's almost like.
.
.
After becoming a mother,
Of course,
I significantly shifted.
That was one of my greatest growth curves.
After I became a therapist,
I see the world differently.
Some people might say,
You know,
After my car accident,
After I resolved my chronic pain.
After my parent died.
After I lost my sibling.
So there are these elements along the path of life that will irrevocably change us.
And when we look towards our partner who looks at us and says,
How dare you?
How could you change?
And I think you have every right to look back at them and say.
.
.
How aren't you changing?
How aren't you allowing the experiences of life to change you.
To grow you.
And so it's just interesting how that very same Thought could be turned around the other way.
I'm slowly evolving and finding my true self,
Realizing the very surface level relationship with my dad.
He is beyond stubborn,
Negative,
And set in his ways,
And won't really listen or see my side of things or about me.
Yeah,
And so here's a really important piece,
Especially with our parents.
We are not supposed to you.
Champion their growth.
We're not supposed to bring them along with us.
And I think a big part of saying,
Hey,
I just read this book,
I just went to this great workshop.
Is this piece of if you could be more loving,
Open,
Less stubborn,
I'm just going back to your words here,
Kelly,
Less negative,
You might be able to give me more of what I need,
Which is a real connection.
And because you're stubborn and negative,
I just don't know how to feel connected to you.
So my background is family constellations and inherited family trauma.
And one of the key teachings in that body of work is parents give and children receive.
And so if we are trying to teach our parent or send them a book or share with them an article or a philosophy,
We are out of order is what's called in this approach.
And so really how can I be my father's daughter?
How can I receive from my dad?
And that might actually mean,
Wow,
I can't do a weekend away with my dad.
Maybe even a dinner feels like too long.
Let's get coffee.
Let's go for a short walk.
I'll come visit for a short time.
It takes too much of me.
Trying to spend too long.
And so we really want to be able to understand what my limits are.
So how can I stay with myself when we're closed at?
The second,
I guess,
Healing step is to look behind our parents.
Why is dad so stubborn?
Why is he so stuck in his ways?
Why is mom quick to anger?
So that we can step out of holding it as personal.
A real connection,
What we all desire to have to maintain,
Absolutely.
And we can't have that real connection,
Can we,
If we're not being forthcoming,
If we're not saying,
Hey,
That really doesn't work for me.
Or,
Um,
That doesn't feel kind or,
Hey,
We have such a short time to spend together.
I don't want it to feel like this.
Can we slow this down?
That there are ways to maintain that real connection.
Even if you're growing at different rates.
Kelly,
No,
I wouldn't suggest writing him a letter.
It's just another way of saying here's where I think you need to change.
We had dinner last weekend and towards the end he made a rude comment and makes me not want to spend time with him.
Okay,
So the moment is to address it there.
Dad,
We just had this dinner together and now I'm leaving carrying the weight of this,
What I feel is to be a really rude comment.
I don't even know what to do with that.
It just makes me feel awful.
So can I be honest in the moment?
I think a really big piece of understanding how to have a relationship with a difficult parent is understanding what happened behind them.
So did he grow up with rudeness and the banter being thrown back and forth,
And that somehow got confused with love,
Closeness,
Or connection?
We want to be able to not take it on as a course of personal insult,
To have that boundary,
But also to really recognize we don't have the power to change anyone.
Certainly not our parent who came before us.
And so now the question is,
How much time can I spend with them?
Without depleting me.
How can I really agree to them as they are?
That statement is small and so immense in its meaning,
Small in its words and immense in its meanings.
Can I agree to you as you are?
And that goes for everyone.
That we love.
Yes,
Kelly,
He has tons of trauma from his childhood.
Of course,
That's how any of us get to be stubborn.
Stuck in our ways,
Negative.
And so a really loving thing is,
Oh,
There's dad.
Some of his hurt just squeezed out and it is not addressed to me.
It might feel like it,
We're the only two having this dinner.
But this is how he's learned to relate to family members.
And you can even start to make light of it like.
Ouch!
What the hell was that,
Dad?
We were just having a nice dinner.
I don't even know what to do when you say shit like that.
And just.
.
.
Ball back in his court.
Instead of dad,
You should see my trauma therapist.
Here's a great book that talks about dealing with anger.
Stay in the position of daughter or son.
Yeah,
Thank you for those great questions.
So I want to make it really clear,
It can be so important in conversations like this that it doesn't mean you're lowering your standards.
It doesn't mean that you stop growing.
It means that you start to get strategic.
About how you're sharing what you're sharing.
It's almost like you're planting new seeds.
And you're lining up how you're going to plant them in what order.
So instead of sharing what you're learning,
Try sharing what you're noticing about yourself.
This is completely different.
It will land so differently.
So instead of saying something like,
I'm learning that I have anxious attachment,
That's information.
You could share with your spouse,
I've been noticing that when you go quiet,
Something inside of me panics.
I think it started before us.
That's an invitation into your internal world.
And it makes you the subject,
Not him.
It opens a door.
And so I think most partners who seem maybe resistant to growth.
They're not resistant to intimacy.
They're resistant to feeling managed.
So if you can give him access to your inner world,
Rather than your conclusions about his,
It's a very different kind of invitation.
And I think sometimes that's why we maybe stay in complaints or disconnection.
Because if we get honest with ourselves,
It can be really hard to face that if our partner is genuinely no longer growing.
In the direction that the relationship requires or the relationship that we really want to be in.
Really facing that?
Is one of the loneliest feelings there is.
And so I'm not here to tell you what that means for your relationship or where your sort of limit is.
Only you know that truth.
But let's explore reflection question number seven together.
Let's move ahead one year from now.
What do you want to be true in your life?
And how would you like to feel?
In your relationship.
So one year from now,
Think about it.
If everything were to stay the same.
What's that going to feel like?
One year from now,
The changes you'd like to see implemented.
What's that going to look like?
How would you like to feel?
Inside of your relationship.
Just give you a moment to reflect on that question.
Growth inside of a relationship is more complicated than growth on your own.
You're growing inside,
Going towards what feels right to you,
While also holding on to someone you love.
You're trying not to leave them behind.
And there might be this sort of.
Internal curiosity,
A wondering,
Can I have both?
And you can.
Maybe it's not in the form you imagined.
But the version of you that's asking these questions,
The version of you that's showing up in rooms like this one.
That is refusing to let their relationship coast into numbness or build up resentments.
The moment that you gain clarity about this pattern,
It starts to lose its grip.
And that's what we're here,
That's what the questions are meant to sort of get underneath and explore.
And I really hope they've provided a whole bunch of clarity and information.
I love to come on here and share everything that I've learned with my working with clients and hopes that it'll bring a solution to those of you who attend these workshops.
