One afternoon,
Over coffee that had long gone cold,
Lauren asked Nathan casually,
Intentionally trying to make her tone sound lightly curious about Nico's life.
She was still completely shocked that they were brothers.
Her mind stumbled over this truth again and again,
Caught between disbelief and complete confusion.
What were the odds that life would weave something this impossible?
Nathan's expression shifted,
A flicker of surprise and hesitation crossing his face,
As though she touched a bruise he rarely let anyone see.
He shrugged at first,
Then admitted he didn't really know anymore.
After their father died,
Nico had shut down,
Vanished into silence that seemed impenetrable.
Nathan admitted how hurt he'd felt to be completely shut out of his brother's life.
I tried everything,
Inviting him to things I know he loved to do,
And when that didn't work just for casual hangouts that he ignored.
Nathan's voice was almost a whisper now.
He completely shut me out.
I guess he just shut down.
Friends told me he didn't return their calls either.
Lauren's heart softened just a little.
She wasn't the only one he'd shut out.
Nico really must have fallen into a very dark place with his grief.
Lauren felt herself leaning in,
Trying to piece together this mystery.
What had happened in that house between those brothers that left one withdrawing and the other one carrying the unspoken story?
In that moment,
It felt so unbearable to stay with Nathan,
Like she couldn't quite catch her breath.
She told Nathan she was heading out to try a new yoga studio.
The truth was,
She wasn't sure she'd even make it to the class.
What she really needed was a little time to herself,
To think,
To feel,
To let the shock wear off.
Just some time out of the house,
Out of the noise,
Into her own head where she could breathe.
She sat in the car by the water's edge.
Engine off,
Keys still in the ignition.
For a long time,
She didn't move.
The only sound was the sound of the waves against the rocks.
She watched a couple walk their dogs along the path.
Their dog tugged forward,
Then circled back,
Delighted with nothing more than a stick.
The woman laughed and the man reached for her hand.
They looked simple in the way strangers look simple when you know nothing about them.
Nathan and Nico,
Brothers who grew up together,
Navigated life after their dad went to jail,
Reflecting how they both carried that part of their history in their own unique way.
One she had married and one she had loved in a way that had changed her significantly.
Her phone lit up in the console,
A message from Nathan.
Enjoy class.
Maybe we can order in tonight.
Love you.
She looked down at the screen.
The words made her chest hurt.
Her fingers hovered over the screen.
Sounds nice.
And she hit send because she didn't know what else to add.
It felt like a small practiced omission,
Like putting a bandage over a wound that needed stitches.
She leaned back against the seat and let her eyes fall shut.
Behind her lids,
She saw Nathan's face at the kitchen table.
The way his eyes had clouded when she asked about Nico.
That mixed with hurt and confusion.
The boy in him who had kept trying,
Inviting his brother out,
Waiting for a phone call that never came.
Lauren reflected that Nico hadn't just shut her out.
He had disappeared from the people who he had known his whole life.
It almost comforted her.
That detail.
It made what happened between them feel a little less personal.
She thought of a house where a father disappears suddenly and the air never really settles again.
Of the two boys,
Each finding their own way to survive.
One fighting to connect,
The other slipping into silence.
One adapting and one retreating.
And then what happened to each of them when the secrets came out after their father's death?
Her chest tightened as she thought of her own father.
The day he had left.
The sound of the front door closing as if it was the end of a chapter in a book she was still reading.
Her mother standing in the kitchen,
Not crying,
Not yelling.
Just going quiet in a way that she could understand now as complete dissociation.
Her mom's way of protecting herself by shutting down any form of feeling or any kind of processing of what had happened.
Lauren had learned something that day too.
How to make herself useful.
How to stop asking questions.
How to hold the feelings that no one wanted to talk about.
In this unspoken way,
It was appreciated that she continue on as if nothing had happened.
Joining her mom in a similar kind of avoidance.
She opened her eyes once again.
The water was choppy.
Wind pressing ripples into the surface.
She watched the pattern shift and rearrange.
She noticed her breath shallow as if stuck high up in her chest.
The thought rose up as if out of nowhere.
You cannot breathe in a story that's not yours to carry.
She realized that for years she had been very skilled at this particular work.
Holding what others did not want to feel.
Smoothing it over.
Keeping the surface calm.
First with her parents.
Then with Nico.
And now with Nathan.
The shock of learning about their connection was not just about what was going on today.
It was about recognizing the pattern underneath.
Once she saw it,
It's like she couldn't unsee it.
Her mind jumped ahead.
If she told Nathan,
The truth would ruin everything they'd built.
If she stayed silent,
How could she hide the truth from everyone?
How could she even carry it all on her own?
A group of teenagers laughed somewhere behind her,
Loud and careless.
A door slammed.
Life went on around her as if nothing seismic had just shifted in her private world.
Lauren inhaled slowly through her nose and let breath travel all the way down to her belly.
When she exhaled,
She imagined letting just one of her worries go.
Just one.
The belief that it was her job to hold everything together.
The space that opened was small,
But she felt it.
She didn't have to know what she would tell Nathan,
Not just yet.
She didn't have to have a plan for the next conversation with Nico,
If there even was one.
Noticing the time,
Lauren texted Nathan back to ask about picking up takeout before going back home.
She pulled out of the parking lot of their favorite Thai restaurant slowly.
In doing these everyday steps,
She felt normalcy return even though she had no idea what came next.
Maybe the only thing that she could be sure of was that it would not be from the part of her that made what was heavy lighter for everyone around her.
There was something light and true about that thought while she reached over and turned on the music for the rest of her drive home.
