Choosing Love When It’s Not Easy

If you have decided to remain in your relationship but the same cycles keep finding you, in this workshop we will go beneath the surface, past the communication tips you have already tried, and into the actual roots of what keeps repeating. When you understand what is really driving the pattern between you and your partner, something in the body settles and that is where you can find clarity.

Transcript

So if you're in that place where you think, I've tried everything. Well, What I've learned over the last 20 years is that it's not about just improving communication or scheduling more date nights. What's typically missing from the things you're trying to make those improvements has to do much more with the root cause. And so what I'm going to share with you in our class today, Choosing love when it's not easy. It goes beneath behavior into the deeper story. We're going to get underneath the triggers, The ones that usually have their roots long before this relationship. It's about going underneath the pattern to find out what's actually driving those triggers and some of those patterns. Because when we find that, Something shifts that couldn't before. And so staying, Staying inside of a relationship that feels difficult or complicated. That's not the passive choice. Sometimes it's the path that requires the most courage. Most honesty. And more willingness to look inward. Than walking away ever would. So if you've decided to really remain in your relationship But yet those same cycles keep finding you, That same repetitive argument threatening to pull you under. I think you're going to get a lot out of our time together today. My work is all about going beneath the surface. So that we're not just focused on communication tips or trying to smooth over what has felt so raw and so tender, But much more about exploring the actual roots of what keeps repeating. When you understand what's really driving the pattern between you and your partner, Something in your body can settle. And that's where real change begins. I want to acknowledge you today just for showing up and for being here. Whether you're watching on your own. Or whether you're sitting right beside your partner. That means some part of you is still curious and still open. And that is huge right in itself. And so the hour that we're gonna spend together is all about understanding what is actually happening underneath the recurring frustration. So that whatever choice you make, You make it from a place of clarity. Rather than exhaustion. The pattern that keeps showing up in your relationship is not proof that something's wrong. What if it was an information? What if it was an invitation? And when we're ready to really see it as that. Something significant can shift. Choosing love when it's not easy, I tried to break it down to a central question that is going to kind of weave throughout this workshop. And the question I want you to ask yourself is, Am I getting enough in this relationship? To make grieving what I'm not getting. With me. There is no partnership in the world where one person gets everything they once hoped for. You know, There are times that you'll grieve the version of your partner you thought that you were getting. You grieve the ease that existed in that first year. And let's face it, It often never really comes back. There's something very special about that first year. And now that the patterns have been revealed, And now that resentment has built, The relationship takes on a different quality. So not better or worse, Just different. And so the question isn't really ever whether the grief exists, It's whether you're receiving enough on the other end to make that grief bearable. And so some of you will know immediately that answer is absolutely yes. And some of you might feel a quiet. I really don't know. Kind of move through your whole body. And maybe directly there's a sense of, You know, No, I don't, I don't think there is enough. And there's more grief and resentment and anger and difficulty than anything else. And maybe the rest of you sit somewhere in that honest middle. Which is where real discernment really lives. And we're going to talk about that today. And so part of how we get clarity from that really big question of, Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I'm not getting okay with me? Is to start to decode some of those repetitive arguments as if they were a messenger. And so here's something I've seen in over 20 years of working with couples in distress. The thing you're fighting about is almost never what you're arguing about in the moment. You know, Maybe this stuff that comes up is the never ending tasks around the house or the calendars that are too full or money that you guys have come from different angles on or just who forgot to call the plumber. You know, These arguments, Of course, They carry a charge that's often completely out of proportion to the logistics of the moment. You know, You can feel it in the body. It's just like, Woof, That was quite a reaction. And the conversation starts about, Let's say, The missed appointment. Or three minutes later, You're then talking about something unresolved from years ago. What I found shocking in my studies is that well over 70% of recurring conflict in long-term relationship traces back to patterns that were set long before this relationship even began. So before you met your partner, Before you kind of set up the rhythm that exists in your home, Even before you even could put a finger on what love really felt like. What safety felt like, That emotional safety that we want to really create in long-term relationship. And what it meant to need someone and whether or not that was okay, Whether or not that was super risky. And so when you and your partner argue, There's never just two people in that conversation. There are at least four, You, Your partner, And the families that you each grew up inside. So we start to think about, Well, Maybe his withdrawal during conflict is not about him not caring or some form of indifference. Maybe it's what he learned to do in a household where raised voices. Meant real danger. Or her need for reassurance is not necessarily neediness. It may be what she developed when the love around her was unpredictable. Arriving and disappearing without any kind of warning. What feels like your partner's flaw is often an adaptation that made complete sense in the family that raised them. And I'm going to encourage all of you that are listening to look through that lens as you listen to what I'm sharing with you today, As you reflect upon some of the stop points inside of your relationship. It matters so much because when we start to see it through that lens, We stop trying to change each other and start trying to understand each other. Then the dynamic shifts from blame or staying stuck in hurt. Much more to Curiosity. And then when curiosity is there, I've noticed real change becomes possible. Because when a pattern has been running long enough, It stops being a thought. And it becomes a physical response. And then your nervous system is trying to protect you using the only map that it has. The one that was drawn in childhood. This is why communication tools alone They don't usually stick and they don't usually work long term. You can know every technique in the world and still find yourself saying the exact thing you swore you wouldn't. You know, These techniques, They live in our head, But the pattern lives in our body. And that's what we want to access today, To take an honest look at what's actually present in your relationship right now. And so let's begin to look at it. And I want you to start by writing just everything that's actually present in your relationship that really matters to you. And so I'll share with you a few of mine just to get the ball rolling. I've got a lot of emotional safety. Inside of my relationship. Gosh, It'll be 20 years this fall. We are very different, But we also really get each other. So that deep feeling of being understood, That you get me, To my heart, That feels like medicine. There's a lot of physical warmth and affection. A lot of kindness. We understand each other's histories. And so we've really leaned into being curious about why we get stuck in the way that we do. Maybe for you, It's like, Wow, They really show up. When I need them to. They were really there for me. Parent died or my sister was diagnosed or. When things fall apart, I can really count on them. Or the way that they might still reach out for your hand. Or the fact that your partner remembers the little things. I got your favorite thing from the bakery when I've stopped in. And so a lot of the times when love feels hard, We really focus on the first part of that question, What we're grieving, What isn't there, What feels hurtful and triggering, And we can miss altogether this other side of what am I receiving? What's solid? What's strong? What's good? So I'm just going to be quiet here for a minute or two. And let you add a few more things. To that list. It can be really good to grow the good, To notice what's going well, To notice what you appreciate. And then when you're ready, Let's move on to the second column. Let's get really honest about what you're grieving. So this second column is maybe what you thought long-term relationship would be. But isn't your lived experience? Maybe your partner isn't very good at repair. Or the conversations that you wished could happen. Or the emotional availability that sort of comes and goes and you're never quite sure why it's there some days and not the other. I want you to be honest here. Really get clear about what it is you're grieving. I'll just be quiet here for a moment so that you can. Complete that. So to really notice that. These two columns were not about adding them together or subtracting one from the other. We really just want to be able to be open enough. To see both truths. That we can hold both what we're grateful for and what we're grieving. And to drop in and notice what that feels like in your body. Holding both at once is more of an honest place to make a decision from. Perhaps we've all known somebody in our world that has made a really important decision from a place of reactivity. From a place of feeling hurt and then deciding. And I just want to drop in some real clarity. What you're grateful for and what you're grieving. So that we start to look at both sides. And really honor that everything you wrote and acknowledged is real. And we want to have some space for it to really be named and felt. Before you move forward and make it mean something definitive about your relationship. I want to add in one more layer of understanding as you start to look across both of these columns. Some of what is sort of illustrated and outlined in that second column, Yes, Of course, It's about your partner. It's about this gap. Between what is actually happening in your relationship and what it's able to offer you. And of course, What you genuinely need. And what we want to add to that is the truth that some of what's in that column is much, Much older. Than this relationship. Some of what you're grieving. You were already in sadness before you met your partner. Maybe you arrived carrying a wish. That you hoped that they could fulfill. A need that has never really truly been met. And without knowing it, You sort of handed over that wish. And hoping that they'd be the one that could fulfill it. So this matters enormously when you're trying to figure out what is actually missing in your relationship. Versus what's always been painful within your own heart. Now, This is not about blaming your history or blaming your parents or any of that. It's about understanding it. Because when you see that original wound clearly, You can gain something. Crucial. You gain the ability to grieve that separately. It's like, That belongs to my heart. That belongs to my history. And we can move into consciously stopping that pressure that we're somehow asking our partner to heal something. That arrived so much earlier than we even met them. And sometimes when that grief is older, And finally gets named and held. The column of what your relationship is actually offering. Begins to be more appreciated. You begin to catch it more in the moment. The couples that I've worked with who found their way through love when it's really not easy, When it's really in friction, When there's a lot maybe unresolved. They're not the ones who stopped ever having conflict. But they're the ones who learned to navigate conflict differently. To say, I know what's happening in me right now is older than this moment. And from that place to reach towards each other instead of turning away, Instead of blame. So we start to begin to use that trigger as a guide for where the deepest work really is. And here's what I guess still deeply appreciate about this work I've been doing for over two decades. Is that it's just so clear that what's unresolved From our first loves, Our parents. Plays out again in our intimate relationships. So when we can start to bring that home and start to say, Ah. Thank you for showing me what's still a live wire in my body. I can see it differently now. I can be with it differently. And these triggers are now a guide, Almost like this neon sign showing you where you can continue your deepest work. So just for a moment, Let's circle back. To the question that we started with. Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I'm not getting okay with me? And only you truly know the answer to this question. That's why I wanted to share some of these exercises to support you in dropping into clarity. Because when we can start to name what is truly yours to grieve, And then what belongs to the relationship itself, What the pieces the two of you are here to work through and work on, This is when some clarity really can arrive. So the next step is not to have the perfect conversation tonight to transform the relationship by the weekend. The next step is much more towards open-mindedness. It's about curiosity. It's about being open to this fresh perspective. So that the next time you start to feel the familiar spiral starting. See if you can just get slightly curious about yourself and of course about your partner's history. Before getting reaction. Maybe before even responding. Some of the most orienting questions to really ask yourself is, Huh? Why am I reacting this way? What is it really about? What is this reoccurring argument or this pattern? Trying to tell me. We really can't change. We can't see. The moment that you can name it. You can start to begin on a much healthier trajectory. A relationship that feels like home to live in. It's possible. And not because it's just snap your finger, Easy to get there. But because you're willing to do the work to go deeper than the surface. As we move through this, Feel free to add more into those columns. Feel free to really connect to that question, What comes up in your body? When I ask, Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I'm not getting okay with me? And I think it's a very understandable question. What do you do? With the pain that arises connected to what you're not getting. And I think the only way that we can really be with that. It's to feel the pain. To really acknowledge what I'm not getting here. Am I able to give that to myself? If, Let's see, I really want in-depth communication. But my spouse is very uncomfortable with that. He's more stoic or quiet or introverted or whatever. Can I get those deep, Open-hearted, Curiosity-rich conversations from my close friendships? Is there a way that I'm not living with the gap? But I can bridge the gap. And so let's say it's something more like, Your partner has a really hard time with repair. And it feels like you're the one that reaches out and does the hard work of repair. And let's just be honest, That's painful. There's a feeling around, Don't I matter to you? Isn't this distance between us really uncomfortable? And you're willing to broach the tender conversation about getting things back online between us. And so maybe your partner's difficulty with broaching repair or having just that difficult conversation or anything to do with conflict. That's your partner's block or their imperfection. So we just want to have a moment to say. That's hard for me. And There's an understanding sometimes that, Well, I guess every time really, We want to start to track and trace. Why is this so hard for my partner? And there's an awareness of this is just how things are. Can I accept that or not? And both are valid and okay. But my encouragement for you, And that's why we did that exercise with the two columns of what am I grateful for? And what am I grieving? So that there is a conscious awareness not to stay focused. On what they're not doing, On what you don't have. And start to really acknowledge and spend some time celebrating what you do have. Because I think in our intimate relationships, This is where we just have the most growth. This is where all of my tender parts. Illuminated, Yet to be shown. And so inside of this container where I'm loved and I can be loving and I can be loved. Maybe imperfect as it is. But the awareness that our relationship is here. For our growth. And so if we start to look at that, So many of us, I think, Believe my relationship is here to fulfill my needs. And so what I'm asking you to do is kind of switch it over to the understanding that my relationship is here for my growth. And so I don't know if any of you know Ram Dass. I've studied a lot about his relationship philosophy. And a quote that I shared on my Facebook recently was, Our relationships are vehicles for our awakening. They often teach us how to open our hearts when we least want to. My gosh, Isn't that true? And so when we think about that difficult conversation, Or even that heartbreak, How it's broken our heart open to know ourselves even more deeply. Or even the friendship. That pushed every one of our buttons and tested every one of our boundaries. It can be such a relief to know none of it was wasted. Every relationship is quietly teaching us something about our own capacity to love. To understand our loved ones. And to stay open. Even when it's hard. My relationship is not here to fulfill all my needs. It's here to help me to grow. And maybe to show me. What is still unresolved in my heart? You know, It's so interesting to me. How common this is throughout all my 20 years of working with couples. The woman who grew up with, Let's say, The dad who prioritized golf or work over time with the family ends up marrying the workaholic husband. And so yes, Perhaps in the marriage, It's like, Oh, I really wish we could spend more time together. But the deepest pain is, I'm working so hard to get you online with me, Husband, Because I could never get my dad online. And so it's like a paired pain. And that's why our reaction might be. On full volume and because it's not just about the husband needing to extend the work trip because of whatever happened. It's about the deeper pain of dad always chose golf or work or something outside of spending time with us, The family. And now here it is again. That it seems to happen time after time after time that the daughter that grew up with the critical mom marries the critical partner. And that's why the exercise we started off our class with is so illuminating, So revealing. That we start to really hold space for what am I receiving? Inside of this love. What's working? What am I grateful for? Because here's the truth, We are really wired. By a negativity bias. Did you know that two-thirds of the time our brain is scanning for what's wrong, What could happen, What do I have to be aware of, How do I stay protected? Instead of noticing what's great, What's good, What am I happy about? And so if our brains are wired for that negativity bias, If we don't intentionally bring in what's working, What am I happy about, What feels good, We automatically default. And so that's why when we're choosing love when it's not easy. Top of mind might feel I'm in grief for what I'm not getting. Am I? My question to you is how much of that grief has its roots inside of your childhood? And so the question comes up, Paired pain is a pattern in your experience working with people. Yes. That when I start working with clients, I build a three-generation geneagram. So I ask them, You know, What are the challenges that you're having in your relationship? Or what are the challenges that are coming up in your life? And I work with something called the core language approach. My background is in clinical hypnotherapy. And so the language you use to describe what's going on typically guides me directly to the root cause of what it's about. And oftentimes, How you are explaining the challenges in your relationship, Sometimes my clients will use even the same descriptor words as they are talking about one of their parents, As they might be in pain about what is going on inside of their relationship. Yes, That grief is resolvable. Great question. You know, We all sort of think, Okay, Well, Now that I know what it's about, How do I work with that? And so let's use the example of you grew up with a critical parent, And oh my gosh, I am married to a person who's highly critical of me and everybody around us. And so let's say you're out for a nice walk. And he says something that feels, Oh, That's a real sting that feels so critical. Your work in that moment. Is to yes, Hold a boundary with your spouse to say something like, Ow! Like that really stings. Geez, You know, I thought we were having a really nice walk here. That felt a bit harsh. And to give them the opportunity to either soften or explain or give context for where they're coming from. And then you move into your own heart. Doing your own work. So you're on a walk. In the here and now, Your spouse is something that feels super critical, And boom, You're seven years old again. Getting criticized for How you played soccer or the C you brought home instead of the expected A. And all of a sudden you're in defense and you're feeling vulnerable and now we're responding from that place. And maybe to the spouse, They're like, Oh, I'm just giving you feedback. Like, Why are you being so upset? What's all this about? And so we want to do our part to keep our relationship in the here and now. And so the good news is, The relief I'm here to share with you all today, This is not a life sentence. This is absolutely changeable. We can shift this. The first step is noticing where I drop off from the here and now. Go to the back there and back then, Because that's where we can shift our response. That's how we can understand why we're being triggered so deeply, So intensely. The question is, Have you seen people who've been able to change both them and their partners? We can never change our partner. I guess the real wish that if the people knew how they were hurting you, Or if you could say it in another way, They would stop doing what they're doing. And the truth is, We want to be able to recognize Our partner is coming from their own family imprint and their own protection and their own pain. And the biggest shift you can make is to not take it only as personal. That's their wounds talking. That's, That's their, You know, If there's a shutdown around no communication, Maybe there's a fear of if I say it wrong, I'll make it worse or, You know, Who, I don't want to put any words in their mouth, But there's this sense of what does being vulnerable and healing that what's needed in repair work, What's at risk there. And so that's why this is such an important question when we're choosing love when it's not easy. Can I look at my partner? In all that they can give and all that feels difficult for them to give? And can I agree to them as they are? It's a big one. Can I agree to you as you are? So you're adding here, He's an avoidant attachment. Can I agree that there will be some times that you pull away? And that I'm going to work on my anxious attachment. And I'm not gonna hook at the end of a cliff hanging on by my fingernails, That I'm okay only if you're okay. And I'm just waiting, Hoping, Wishing for you to change so this can all work out. That I take the full responsibility that I'm going to shift and I'm going to change. So that I get closer and closer to clarity. About is staying in this relationship healthy for me. And I think it's so important because at the end of the day, You can look back and say, I did everything I could. I did everything on my side of the fence to try to grow and heal inside of this relationship. And I continued to be in grief. I continued to feel disrespected. I continued to feel that same pain. And so part of loving myself is stepping away because I'm not going to get enough of what I need. So if we go to that very early question that we started off with, Am I getting enough in this relationship? Is there a balance? Or am I more in grief of what I'm not getting? And so that's really meaningful, This last comment. The absence of communication is so stark that I don't even know if it actually is a relationship. And this goes up to your first comment about the history of an absent father. And so that brings us to really the sort of like, I get this image of like a hole in the heart of a missing father. And so is it my belief that loving another also equally means their absence? And so does love and absence coexist? And is that something that I need to shift, That I can be open to receive, That love can feel full and reciprocal and that I can rest into love? And I can receive that support. So here's the wild truth. We fall in love with the familiar. Not what's healthy. Not what we might tell our girlfriend we're looking for, Not what we write in our journal, All the traits we'd love to have in our most perfectly matched lover. And so if we can come back to that place, How is this familiar? And that's the deepest root. Of the work we wanna be able to do on ourselves. Never about out there. Out there is sparking the live wires that already live inside our body. And now that piece that might invite us in and say, Thank you for showing me what is my work to do. Thank you for showing me where to begin. And how do you find love that hasn't been familiar yet? Oh, Yeah. Beautiful question. And how do we find love that hasn't been familiar yet is we do our own healing. And so I took a class. A few months ago and it made this so clear to me. It's like all of us are walking around with like a bulletin board or a neon sign, You know, And it's, It's visible to everybody else we come into contact with. And so if, If like, There's a sense of my mom criticized me, I'm so sensitive to criticism, Criticize me, Criticize me, You know, I need some more, I need some more practice with not letting others criticism pull me under. And so to get curious, Huh? What's on my neon sign? And so for KP, That beautiful reveal, Maybe about 10 minutes back here is, My absent father. Recreated in a partner that avoids communication. We've got this similar dynamic that you observed between your parents. And so how do I? Come to be in acceptance, That I agree to you as you are in your absence. And how we get there is starting to get curious about What happened to my dad? That would have him be absent. What kept him? From being present in the family. And so we really want to lean in with curiosity. And for some of us, We've got to dig into the family story. So maybe you're lucky enough to have an aunt or a grandparent, Or sometimes, Especially if mom and dad have divorced, Or even not, Maybe if there's just animosity between mom and dad, You might get a very different or edited version of dad's truth than what dad might express. And if there's not communication there, What an aunt might tell you, Having grown up in the same family. So the more we can find out about our own family history. The more equipped we are to understand ourselves and to heal that part that keeps recreating the familiar. It can be really intense to look into our relationships with this new lens.