3 Types Of Low Self-Esteem And Why Affirmations Fall Short

Jelena explains that self-esteem is less a feeling you wake up with and more a pattern in how you respond when you feel not good enough, and why repeating affirmations alone often does not last. She describes stable and unstable self-esteem and three ways the unstable kind can show up: needing to be the best, needing to be strong and needing to make others happy. She then shares seven practical steps, from separating who you are from what you do to making small decisions of your own and saying no in tiny ways. It is for anyone who wants to understand where their sense of worth comes from. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

So what if I told you that self-esteem is not about looking in the mirror and liking yourself, But it's about the behavior? That you exhibit when you feel that you are actually not good enough. Most people think that self-esteem is some kind of feeling that you're supposed to wake up with every day. But it's not actually true. It's not like I wake up and I'm like looking in the mirror and I'm like, Wow, Now I finally like myself. No, No, No. It doesn't work like that. Your self-esteem is not actually a starting point. It's an end result. And it is formed by your life experiences, By how you talk to yourself, By how others talk to you by the decisions that you take in particular moments of your life. And of course, Your childhood also plays a big role. A lot of people say, Hey, I want to have a higher self-esteem. How do I do that? How do I start loving myself? And the answer they get is like, You need to believe in yourself. You need to stand in front of the mirror and say that I'm worthy, I'm lovable, I'm enough. And this is not really a bad thing to do to say these affirmations, But this is not a fix a long-term of a problem. It can give you like a very short-term boost to boost your self-esteem, But it will not really fix the problem. We think self-esteem can be high and it can be low, But it's actually not true. It can be stable and can be unstable. And let me explain to you in a second what that is. So if you try to say out loud those affirmations, For example, I'm worthy, I'm lovable, I'm strong, I'm powerful. And many of us did that, Right? And maybe even wrote on your bathroom mirror or something like this. And then you wake up and then you read it and then you think that you're energized for the whole day. But in the day, One little thing happens. Maybe it's a comparison of yourself over social media or it's an encounter with another person or something else happens at work. Your colleague gets promotion and you don't. And bomb. Your self-esteem is not at the right place anymore. So the question, What really happened here? What happens here is that the self-esteem does not work from the words alone, Right, From those repetitive phrases. You cannot get fit only if you're thinking about the gym, Right? You also need to go to the gym. So today, I really want us to look at self-esteem from that perspective and start going to self-esteem gym to try to stabilize it together. It's also very important how you develop your self-esteem when a certain triggering situation happens, Right? So if the situation triggers us, It shows us where in our self-esteem we have that problem, That issue. It's very important to catch those moments and go into those triggers because once we analyze where these triggers come from, Where they lead us and what kind of unstable type of self-esteem we have, Because there are different types, I will explain about them later, You will be able to heal yourself more effectively. Do you remember that feeling after a first date, For example, You thought it went amazing and then you come back home and then maybe same night or next day you expect a follow-up message from that guy, But it's not coming. And then you start kind of connecting your self-worth to the lack of this text message. Maybe I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not fit enough for that guy, Right? That happened to many of us. And then imagine the situation that also happened to some of us or many of us, That this particular guy texts you not after one day, But after two days. What happens? You're like, Wow, I'm great. I'm amazing. He likes me and he wants to meet again, You know? And that is this huge fluctuation that you get in your self-esteem from going very low. Me means I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, " to Haim when he texts you feeling like, Yeah, I'm amazing, You know, He texted me, I'm so great. And it means that your self-esteem is feeding from external valuation. And that deep down you believe that you're not really good enough. And this will not change, Right? Because if he texts you. And maybe next time he will not text you, This will happen again. First thing you need to understand is that there are two types of self-esteem. One is unstable self-esteem. That's the one fluctuating. And there is a stable self-esteem. So the stable self-esteem is developed in the childhood when external situations, External failures were not connected by a parent to the personality, To the human being. People with stable self-esteem believe that If something happened, They failed, But it does not mean that they're bad. There's something wrong with them. And this is essentially a very healthy skill to develop. So let's try to see how we can do that. But first, We really need to understand what type of unstable self-esteem you have, Because this could also help you to identify those triggering situations that you kind of get over and over again until you actually understand yourself and heal yourself. Unstable self-esteem is the opposite. It basically goes up and down, Up and down, And it's not really a flat line. A person with unstable self-esteem only believes that they are good enough only when they are the best, When they achieve things, When they're the strongest, Or when other people like them. That's essentially people pleaser trait, Right? So what happens when you feel strong, When you achieve, When you are the best, You feel like on the top. But when something happens that is not aligned. With these expectations, Then you actually feel like a failure. I must say that a lot of your time of your life, You are feeling inside like a failure. There are three ways when this unstable self-esteem shows up. One is called, I am the best. So if you have this type of unstable self-esteem, You always need to be the best. You're the achiever. You look like a very ambitious, Very motivated person. But the only goal is to achieve things to feel actually better. As long as you're productive, As long as you're performing, As long as you're successful, You feel very good. But the moment when you fail or when somebody is ahead of you. So that's why there's a lot of comparison with these unstable type of self-esteem, You really crash. So on the outside, We see a lot of ambition. We see a lot of drive. On the inside, We see a lot of fear. It means that you feel like If you don't achieve, I'm nobody. If I don't earn money, I'm nobody. Second type of unstable self-esteem is called I'm strong. It means you are a person who always carries everything, Who needs to be really strong either physically or just because you really solve problems of other people and you're always in control. You also do not allow yourself to be weak, To cry, To help other people, To support you. It's actually really, Really impossible for you. To ask for help. On the outside, These people look very solid, Very dependable, Like unbreakable. But deep down, It's not like that. Inside, You are feeling that if you show weakness, People will stop respecting you. The third type of unstable self-esteem is called I make other people happy. This happens when your value is dependable on how other people see you. You are good when other people around you feel happy. Happy, Feel comforted, And their needs are prioritized and taken care of. It's interesting because people with this type of unstable self-esteem can actually even apologize when they did nothing wrong. An interesting fact, When you take care of your needs first, You actually do feel guilty, Right? Why did this happen? Oftentimes, We had these parents, They taught you that you are good only when you please your mom or your dad. I am good, So feeling complete and whole only if I make that other person happy. You're no longer living with your mom anymore, But you subconsciously have that need to please others to feel good about yourself. On the outside, You're looking like a person who is very helpful, To whom everybody always turns to when they need any support or any help. But deep inside, You're feeling, If I stop pleasing people, They will stop loving me. And also, If somebody is upset with me, It means that I'm a bad person. So you oftentimes betray yourself to keep others comfortable. All three types look very different, But they come from the same root. I'm not valuable by myself. I am not lovable as I am. I am not enough as I am. This is why people with unstable self-esteem constantly have the pressure to achieve, To carry, To help, To improve. And oftentimes doing nothing feels actually very shameful. It feels dangerous. It feels like everything is going to fall apart. Because if you're not doing anything, Then the old belief coming up, Which is saying, If I'm not performing, If I'm not strong, If I'm not making others happy, It means that I'm nobody. And this thing is not just in your head. It actually goes and spills into every area of your life. Unstable self-esteem brings constant self-doubt. Every decision feels like a test. Every comment feels like a verdict. You are afraid of failing. Because in your head. Failure doesn't mean I tried something and it didn't work, But failure means that I did something, I failed, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. And so what happens with people with unstable self-esteem is that they either push themselves into something, Into perfection, They become perfectionists. Or they avoid doing things completely. They freeze. They just sit on their couches and they maybe comment what other people are doing. Some of them even becoming trolls. But it's just because of their self-esteem and because they cannot do anything, Because if they will fail, They will inevitably believe that they are not good enough. These kind of people always wait for perfect conditions to happen, But they will never happen and their life will just pass by. And it's very sad. People with unstable self-esteem are very sensible to criticism. Even a comment from a complete stranger can completely ruin their day. If you have an unstable self-esteem, You might sometimes replay the conversations in your head like, Oh, What did I say wrong? You know, Why did they respond this to me? Should I have answered this or should I have answered that? You keep thinking, Did I say something stupid or did I fend them or do they still like me? You kind of overthink everything. In relationships, This means that you accept less because deep down that you're unsure if you actually deserve more. You stay in relationships where you're not respected and you also chase love instead of choosing it. At work, This would mostly mean either you're burning out because you're overworking or you are very silent and quiet and you're afraid to speak up because you are afraid of being noticed. So if you are close to burnout, It means that you're working so much because you need to prove that you're the best. And if you are not speaking, It's because you are scared to be seen and judged by others. And in emotional life, This, Of course, Translates into mood swings, Into anxiety, Into being closed. The people who are, I need to please others, Kind of unstable self-esteem, They are actually the ones who don't know what they really want. Because they've been pleasing someone all their life and for them it's like so hard to make their own choice. And even if they are becoming successful or making progress in some area, They don't even notice that because their brain is actually trained to only see when they fail. Your brain collects evidence, Collects data points all your life. So within your life, All the situations that happen to you. And if they are repetitive, Especially if they're repetitive, These are data points for your brain. So the more repetitions your brain has, The more it becomes like deeply engraved, Unstable self-esteem issue. If for many years, This was the situation when your brain collected these data points that proved that you are not lovable, Just by yourself, And you're only valuable when you are pleasing others, When you're achieving, When you're the best, Or when you're being strong, Then, Of course, Your brain firmly believes that. So to build stable self-esteem, You don't need to start magically love yourself. Let's talk about some steps on how you can actually do that. But please take it more as very practical steps and not theoretical. So go ahead, Take a pen and pencil and try to note down some action steps that you could use in your life to improve your unstable self-esteem. Oh, And by the way, Very important point, Sometimes you will notice there is a combination. Between three self-esteems. So maybe you have one main and then. . . A secondary one, Or all three of them. So yeah, That is also possible. So step number one, Always separate yourself from your actions. That means when you catch yourself in this situation, When your action failed, You don't say, Oh, Again, I'm a failure. What I do never works. I'm such a fat person. Always say, I tried that and it didn't work. So when you say I'm a failure, Instead of I failed at that task, I'm a failure becomes an identity. And that is very important. Separation. And identity. From failing a task. Your brain needs to hear that difference because you can still take an action, You can improve, You can learn, And you can perform that task better. And this has nothing to do with you. With who you are. Okay, So step number two is actually to give yourself the right to make mistakes. Saying i'm filler You say, I failed at the task. What can I learn from this? And I don't know if you have the same thing, But when I was studying at school. I really studied really well and my mom really always said that. And her She's so proud that she has such a smart daughter, You know, And that's why I grew up and I needed to please my mom and always prove that she's right until I realized that I'm doing something wrong in my life. But back then, I remember those few times when I failed at some test. Those things, I actually remember the best because I looked at my mistakes. So we did mistake correction. So we basically went to the book and we looked, OK, What is the right answer? The funny thing is that I always remembered this material the best. Because it came from the failure. So take that chance to learn something here. It's really valuable. And in this way you're actually also acting to yourself as a kind coach and not as a cruel judge. Every time you do that your brain gets new data points. I can fail but I'm still all right and I'm still safe and I'm alive. Step number three is to stop comparing yourself to others and start comparing yourself to whom? Yes, To yourself. When you scroll through that social media and you see some people and you're like, Oh, She looks better than me, Or he's further than me in business, Et cetera, Et cetera, You know, This is where a lot of self-esteem issues happen. So if you ask yourself instead, Who I am now compared to who I was a year ago, And where did I improve? And you look at yourself, Ask this question and trace every single little data point, New skills that you learned, Better shape that you got, New friends that you made, Countries that you visited. Everything. So try to track it. Have a diary or do it in your notes on your phone, But just track it. Write it down. Your brain needs these new data points. These things don't have to be big. It can be very, Very small things, But please note them down and track them. Step number four, Make your own decisions, Even if they are very small. So for people with a stealth self-esteem, I need to please others. This is very important because they learn how to please others. Throughout their whole life and they don't know what they actually want and what they like. It can sound ridiculous, But it can be even in those choices of what I want to eat or what I want to cook tonight or where do I want to go or how do I want to spend my free time. So once you understand that you need to honor that and commit to that. And the best is also if you keep a diary so you can note down your progress every day. This helps your brain to get more of these data points. Remember your brain is this machine that records everything. And by a certain age of our life we wake up and we think the same thoughts. Every single day, And if we do not implement changes. Like the steps that I'm talking about now, Then nothing will change also with your unstable self-esteem. Step five is to take responsibility instead of control. This is my life. These are my choices. And I can change my behavior. And control sounds like everything must be perfect. I must hold it always together or everything will fall apart. Step number six is actually to say no, Especially also if you are in that people-pleasing I need to please others and make others happy type of unstable self-esteem. And again, Start tiny. You don't have to start with dramatic speeches. You can say, I can't do this today. This doesn't work for me. In a very small situation, Like going for coffee with a friend. The goal here is not to impress anyone. The goal here is to give your brain more of these data points. The more data points, The better. Step seven is to keep growing, But to change the reason why you're doing this. So at the moment, If you have an unstable self. A seam and you are this achiever and you need to be the best and you need to earn so much money. You need to find the reason. Why you're doing this and not so others see your worth or your value. Need to find a deeper reason and a deeper purpose. You want to help other people, Do you want to support something important in the world, You can find a bigger purpose, You can be A good mother. Because you want to create a beautiful family. This thing that you are achieving should not connect. Two, The feeling to value of yourself. And now you might be thinking, OK, That all sounds amazing, But I just don't feel like that. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel confident. I don't feel stable. How am I supposed to start if I don't feel it? This is the most important part. The emotion follows motion, Not the other way around. You don't wait to feel yourself worthy to treat yourself with respect. You treat yourself with respect. And the feeling of worthiness will follow. You need to treat yourself with respect in tiny, Small, Practical steps first. Make small, Boring, Consistent choices that will match the belief, I matter, Even on the days when you don't feel like. And yes, You will be scared and feeling very uncomfortable first. Saying no when you always said yes is very scary. Choosing rest when you proved your worth by hustling always, It is scary. Admitting that you are tired and you need help when you have been always the strong one, It is scary. But you don't need to remove your fear, You need to acknowledge your fear, You basically need to imagine your fear, Put it in your pocket and say, Okay, You're coming with me. But I'm still doing that. When you survive the mistake, When you survive the no, When you survive the comparison on social media, Your brain at some point will be like, Hmm, Okay, We kind of survived. So maybe I'm stronger than we thought. So this is how you very slowly will move from unstable self-esteem to stable self-esteem. And your core beliefs from I feel valuable only when I succeed, When I'm strong, When I'm the best, When I please others. To another one, Which is actually I can fail, I can make mistakes, Things might not work, People might compare me with someone or something, But it does not affect my worth because deep down I know that I am worthy by myself just because I exist. This will happen only after many, Many tiny tweaks. So one honest no, One moment of rest without guilt, One decision that comes from your own wants and needs and not from the fear. One kinder thought about yourself after mistake. Over time, These repetitions will help you to build a new identity. And one day you will look back and you will realize, I stopped begging the world. To prove myself worthy. Thank you for listening.