The Courage To Be Disliked: Adler's Psychology, Explained

Have you ever thought you would finally be happy if only more people liked you? Jelena explores the ideas of Alfred Adler on approval, comparison and happiness, including living by your own values even if some people disapprove, separating your own tasks from other people's reactions, and choosing contribution over comparison. She turns them into simple daily practices, such as asking yourself whether you are doing something because you want to or because you want to be liked. It is for anyone who is tired of chasing approval. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, If I only had this job, If I only looked like that, Or if more people liked me more, That I would finally be happy? We all have been there, Comparing, Doubting, Chasing, Chasing approval. That's exhausting. But here's the thing, More than a hundred years ago, A psychologist named Alfred Adler believed happiness doesn't come from fixing yourself or beating others. It comes from courage, The courage to live your own life and the courage to be disliked. And even more, The courage to be happy. Today, We're going to explore Adler's approach to psychology, Often called individual psychology, And how his ideas completely change the way you see yourself, Your relationship, And your path to happiness. So who was Adler? Before we dive into his ideas, Let's talk a little about the man himself. Alfred Adler was an Austrian psychologist born in the late 1800s. At first he worked closely with Freud, But then eventually their paths split. Freud believed that our lives were mainly shaped by unconscious, Unconscious desires and also past trauma. And Adler disagreed. He thought that the real driver of human behavior isn't some hidden urge. It's how we see ourselves in relation to the world around us. Approach individual psychology. And no, It's not about being isolated or self-absorbed. Individual means here indivisible, That a person cannot be separated from their social context. So in other words, You and I, We don't exist in a vacuum. We are shaped by the communities we live in and people we interact with and the roles that we choose to play. But that's already a big shift, Right? So instead of looking backward and blaming others or destiny, Adler encouraged people to look forward. What he asked was, What kind of life do you want to create from here? That simple future focused question is the foundation of his entire psychology. Okay. So what stops us from living the life we want? For Adler, It all begins with a universal feeling, Inferiority. From childhood, We realize that we are small, Weak, And dependent on others. That's kind of natural, Right? Feeling less isn't the problem. In fact, Abner said, It's the spark that drives growth. A child learns to walk because crawling feels limiting. A student studies harder because they want to improve. So the problem comes only when inferiority turns into obsession. So instead of seeing it as motivation, We start measuring ourselves against everyone around us. Think about it. How often do we scroll through social media and feel like we're falling behind? Someone else is fitter, Richer, More successful, Happier. It's the endless treadmill of comparison. Pursuit of superiority, Always trying to prove that we are better than someone else. And he warned that path never leads to real happiness. Because here's the paradox. The more you chase superiority, The weaker and more insecure you actually feel. You're always one step behind someone else and you never get to rest. So what's the alternative? If comparison poisons happiness, How do we live differently? Adler's answer was something something he called Gemeinschaftsgefühl, Which roughly translates to community feeling or social interest. Don't worry, You don't need to remember the German word. The idea is simple. Happiness is about contribution. So instead of asking, How do I measure up? Ask, How can I be useful? When you shift focus from competing with others to connecting with them, Something changes. You stop feeling small and start feeling valuable. And that's the root of the confidence. Think about moments when you have genuinely helped someone, Maybe teaching a skill or listening when they were down, Or maybe just making someone laugh. In those moments, You were not comparing yourself. You were contributing. And chances are that you felt lighter and more alive. Adler believed that this is the real key to happiness. Not wealth, Not status, Not winning some invisible race, But finding the meaning in connection. And here's the beautiful part. Contribution doesn't have to be huge. You don't need to save the world. Even the smallest act of kindness or responsibility in your family, In your work, Your relationships, Builds that sense of belonging. And that, According to Adler, Is what we are really searching for. For all along. Here's where Adler gets bald. He says that to live a truly free and happy life, You need the courage to be disliked. Now that sounds harsh at first, Right? Who wants to be disliked? But think of it. How much of our daily stress comes from worrying about other people's opinions? Whether it's what our family expects, Or what our co-workers might say, Or how strangers online react, We end up living someone else's life. Adler pointed out that this is where we confuse the boundaries. He used the idea of separating tasks in simple terms. Task is to live life in line with your values, To do what feels meaningful to you. Other people's reactions That's not your task. So let me give you an example. Imagine you prepare for a job interview. Your task is to show up prepared and give your best, Right? Whether your interviewer hires you or not, That's not your task. Or think about posting online. Your task is to share honestly. How people react, They praise you, They criticize you, Or they're silent, That's theirs. This mindset actually is liberating because once you stop trying to control how others see you, You finally free up the energy to actually live. Now let's take a step further. Adler argued that we also need to have the courage to be happy. That sounds really strange, Right? Why would happiness require courage? It's because happiness isn't passive. It doesn't come from waiting for right circumstances. It comes from choosing to live with purpose and connection, Even if it's uncomfortable. Most of us delay happiness. We tell ourselves, I'll be happy when I get this and that, When I get my promotion, When I get the right partner, When I lose 10 kilos. But Adler flips that thinking. He says, Happiness is available right now. If you're willing to stop chasing approval and start contributing where you are. And here's the catch. When you live this way, Some people, They will not understand. You might disappoint someone by saying no. You might be judged for following your own path. And that's where the courage comes in. Happiness isn't about pleasing everyone. It's about being brave enough to live in alignment with what matters most to you, Even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Okay, So how do we actually live Adler's ideas in daily life? Let's break it down into a few practical steps. First, Stop chasing approval. Ask yourself, Am I doing this because I want to or because I want to be liked? That one question can cut through a lot of noise. 2. Separate tasks. Focus on what's truly yours to control, And let go of what belongs to others. You can do your best, But you can't control the outcome. And number three, Shift from comparison to contribution. Instead of asking, Am I better than them? Try asking, How can I be useful here? Choose courage over comfort. Whether it's speaking up, Making a change, Or following your own values, Remember that discomfort is often a sign that you're growing. These aren't abstract theories. These are daily practices. And the more you live them, The more natural they become. Adler's entire psychology boils down to this. Happiness is not something to change. It's something that you create by the way you live. So here's the big picture. Adler didn't believe happiness was some faraway prize reserved for people with perfect lives or perfect luck. He believed it's available to all of us if we have the courage to live differently. Instead of drowning in comparison, We can choose contribution. Instead of living for approval, We can live with purpose. And instead of waiting to arrive, We can step into it right now. Imperfect as we are. I think that's what makes Adler's idea so powerful today. In a world where we're constantly told to prove ourselves, To look better, Earn more, Achieve faster, Adler offers a quieter and a braver message. You don't have to win. You just have to live with courage and find meaning in the connection. So maybe the real question isn't, How do I become happier? Maybe it's, Where in my life can I stop comparing and start contributing? Because it's the courage to be disliked. And the courage to be happy are really the same courage. It's the courage to live as yourself. And that's a message worth carrying forward. Thank you for listening.