Finding My Path Through Painful Mistakes

Jelena shares a personal story of a breakup, a fall on a coastal run and an unexpected kindness from a stranger, and what it taught her about forgiving yourself. She explains why blaming yourself can keep you stuck, then offers a three-column writing exercise: what happened, what you learned and what good can follow. She also shares a gentle pause with a hand on your chest and a few slow breaths. It is for anyone who keeps replaying past mistakes or carrying regret. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one-to-one professional care.

Transcript

One of the most beautiful things in life is knowing that you have hurt someone and you cannot fix it. The reason for this is because it becomes a very powerful force, A time when you can stop, Question yourself, Your life, Your actions and behaviors. A few years ago, One of the best things in my life happened. I hurt someone. And back then I also thought that I'm building a successful relationship. However, I knew that my partner needed to heal a little bit. And then when he healed that, He also needed to heal a bit more of that. And finally, Of course, We all realized that our own happiness does not depend on the healing of the other person. So eventually we broke up. I remember when that relationship ended and I left and I went to Mallorca because I wanted to distance myself basically from that pain, Like many people trying to run away from their pain. But the healing and blaming myself for leaving something that seemed could have been an amazing relationship, Of course, Was really disappointing and it was really bringing me down and I was at my lowest point. So I remember one day I went for a run, Um, At the coast. I remember the beautiful scenery, Uh, Water on one hand, Like really beautiful turquoise Mediterranean sea in summer, On the other hand, Mountains. And I was just running. And then suddenly like out of nowhere, Because it was completely flat surface, I, I fell down, I fell down. I fell on my palms and it was really painful and my both palms were like bleeding and there were scratched and I was like oh my god, You know, And I was like quite far from all the civilization. And then suddenly, Out of nowhere, A pilgrim came out. He saw me, He basically almost silently came to me, Took out first aid kit from his backpack, Because I think pilgrims when they do the route of Santiago, They always have to carry a first aid kit with them. He basically washed my wounds and he covered them. And I remember that after that, He also gave me a cross with a Saint Mary from the local church. And this gesture was not really a religious gesture. It was more of a. . . Yeah, Support gesture. You know, I was so shocked. I felt like I did not understand what's happening back then. I was, Of course, Crying and. . . I continued running, So I ran 10 kilometers. And then when I came back to my place for a stay, Then I went for a swim. I saw a beautiful sun and I suddenly had those tears in my eyes of realization. Um what really healing and what really forgiving yourself after you have been blaming yourself for a while. What it really is. Through these things alone. So I hope that today I'm going to be your guiding light, Your path towards freedom after you have been blaming yourself for saying certain things or doing certain things to other people or to yourself. Because no matter how broken you feel, There's always light. I'm Jelena. I'm a psychologist. I work in venture capital and I'm saying always that I am investor in startups and human mental health. At that moment in Mallorca, I realized that I need to stop blaming myself because we all have that moment, That choice that you think is wrong, But actually it is not wrong. We all have these conversations that we are replaying, Laying in our bed at 2am. Oh, If only I haven't said that. Oh, I wish I have left sooner. And I know that this thing still hurts, Even if on the outside, Your life looks like it's perfect. And as a psychologist, I hear this every day, Trust me. People talk about healing like this is something soft, Nice and empowering. But in reality, It's not. It's not beautiful. It's actually very ugly. Is painful. We actually hate it. It forces us to look at our own failures, At all the people that we have hurt, At the patterns in our lives that we do not want to admit. There were moments in my life where I would do anything in order not to feel that. And this world doesn't really help. It is selling us healing like some kind of product, Like something that you can buy or optimize. Oh, You're sad. Do shadow work. Oh, You're feeling lost. Need to journal harder. But none of these things actually touches what people are really dealing with. And most of the time, It's not like we don't know what is the right thing for us. It's just that we keep repeating, Doing things that feel familiar to us in our brain. Something that was in our families, In our childhood, With our parents. Let me tell you about the woman I once worked with. She had a pattern. She always fell for men who were emotionally unavailable. And then once she thought that she met one that is a different type. In the beginning of the guy was very present with her. He was like warm and connecting. And for the first time she thought, Okay, Maybe this one is the available guy. And then eventually he invited her to celebrate Christmas together. And you know, Christmas in Europe terms is like a very big and important family holiday. Suddenly he pulled back and he explained that that he's feeling that he's Falling for her too much and that he would like to celebrate Christmas separately Because if they do celebrate it together, It would feel that like they're getting even closer So who that guy was tell me? Yes, Emotionally unavailable man. Of course, She was super hurt, But instead of leaving she decided Okay, I'm gonna give him some space, Some time, Some understanding So they stayed in contact. Until she found out that he was dating a second woman in a parallel. So what happened to her? She actually finally broke. But it was also kind of helpful. It was not just because of him. She was looking at herself and thinking, How can I allow someone to treat me this way? She was so devastated. She was angry, But she was angry at herself. Angry that she gave another chance to emotionally unavailable man. Angry that she stayed. Angry that she put herself into this kind of situation. Again, And attention, This is usually the place where people get stuck. That anger towards themselves. How can I be so stupid? And that, My friend, Is not a healing. That's a punishment. And here is what I help her to understand. Also something that I had to learn myself. But the biggest mistake that we are doing, We are starting to blame ourselves instead of learning. And we can keep blaming ourselves for quite a long time and sometimes for a lifetime even. And oh my God, I did that too. And I was replaying conversations in my head for such a very long time. I was kind of trying to rewrite. That past introversion that would not hurt anymore. But you need to remember that your past is a closed chapter. Your brain is not trying to change the past. It is trying to change you. Everything in my life shifted when I stopped asking, Why did I do this? And I started asking myself, What do I learn here? For that woman, The lesson wasn't I'm unlovable. Her lesson was I am falling for emotionally unavailable men and that she's not choosing herself. I understand that this realization can hurt, But you also need to understand that once you realize what is happening, The pattern eventually will start breaking apart. You cannot change something that you refuse to see. And once you see it. . . There is a chance for a change. So here's one of the tools that I give to my clients. And occasionally, I must say, I also use it myself. So take a notebook, Take a pen. Make three columns. In the first column, Write what happened. Describe the situation, Painful situation. In the second column, Write down, Please, What do you learn there. From that situation that happened. If you cannot do it alone, Speak with your friend, Speak with your therapist, Speak with your mom. Try to understand. If this painful situation you hurt someone or you feel you are hurt. By someone. What do you learn here? For that woman, It was the learning that she is falling for emotionally unavailable man, Right? And in the third column, You can add like a bonus track. Write all the positive things that will happen in your life. After this situation. So for example, You can brainstorm as many as you can. For example, If you break up with someone. You can write that you can start dating again, You can travel whenever you want and wherever you want. You don't have to ask anyone or consider. You can spend now your free time that you would spend basically with the partner. Learn another language or learn something else or progress in your career and try to find as many of these positives as you can. Then once you've done with that, You need to remember that the person who has done this or to whom this happened is not you anymore because you have grown, You have learned from this situation. It is a huge perspective shift. However, If this would be so simple, Then everybody in this world would do this technique and the pain would go away. But it somehow is not going away, Right, Sometimes? Or maybe it does go away for some time, But then it keeps coming back. There was a moment, I was sitting in Mallorca after that breakup that I told you in the beginning, And I had a very nice journal in my hand and a really beautiful pen, And I was sitting there and writing those kind of things. Ready to heal. But five minutes later, I could just not write anything because it was the wrong moment in my mindset. I thought that this is not working. The truth is that healing is not linear. And even if you write down all the learnings and all the positives, It doesn't mean that your healing will happen immediately. But you need to remember that this is a very important step for your brain, For the processing. The question is when this processing is going to happen. It really can take very different amounts. Of times. However, There are also other things that I used to heal myself and also other techniques that I'm giving to my clients that support their healing as well. So what really supported my transformation is that I realized that there is no perfect path for healing. There is actually, In general, No such thing as perfection when it comes to healing. What really supports healing is staying. Staying with yourself, Staying with the truth, Staying with your pain. Not running away. So here's something very simple but also very powerful. When a memory like this comes to your mind, When you were hurt or you hurt someone else, Put your palm on your chest and take a deep breath. You don't really need like special affirmations or special fixing here, Just need that presence. And the longer you stay in that pain, The more bearable it will become, The more familiar it will become. And one more important thing that changes everything is telling the truth. You can say it out loud, You can write it on a piece of paper. You can tell it to someone who feels safe to you. When you take your story out of your head. It actually loses the power of haunting you. And once you do that, You realize, Yes, This happened. You have learned. You grew. You have stopped running away from yourself. Yes, You will make mistakes again, But now you will look at them completely different. You will look at them as your learnings. And not your feelers. That that situation appears on a big screen. What do you see differently? How do you show compassion to that person in your memory?