Gifts Of Grief Chapter 5: Memorial Star

Discussion of Chapter 5 of my book Gifts of Grief: Memorial Star. Describes how the Center for Grieving Children, which Kristine and I helped start became a safe place for a ceremony to honor Kristine.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Jacob Watson.

I am sharing with you from my book,

Gifts of Grief.

This is chapter 5,

Memorial Star,

Which describes a ceremony at the Center for Grieving Children,

Which Christine and I had helped start.

We were both counselors specializing in grief,

And our friend Bill Hemmons came and asked us to help him start a center to help families who had lost someone by death.

Of course,

We said yes.

I remember the moment well.

I was sitting in the backyard reading Herman Wolk's novel,

The Winds of War,

And I put down The Winds of War when Bill showed up with his idea to start the Center for Grieving Children.

How much better it was to spend my time creating a place,

A safe place,

Where people could bring their natural emotions and express them,

And thus create a haven,

A place of peace and safety.

I will offer a brief meditation period as well.

Please use it for harvesting your own grief and the gifts and lessons you are learning,

Or just to have some quiet time.

When my family and a few close friends walked into the Center,

I knew it was the right place.

I saw the stuffed animals in the entryway,

The long,

Tall,

Paper giraffe and the tiger,

And I knew we were in a safe place,

Meaning that we could have our feelings,

Whatever they were.

As I walked in,

I saw the entrance to the Volcano Room,

The room that I had created to express anger safely,

Whether it was ripping up old phone books or punching a punching bag.

We gathered at one end of the room,

In front of the memorial wall,

An illustration from The Little Prince.

After the director of the Center,

Anne,

Said a few welcoming words,

She also remembered Christine and the gifts that she had given the Center.

They were many,

Including serving as President of the Board of Directors and helping them begin the program called Tender Living Care,

As well as being a consultant,

Which meant that she trained and supported the volunteers.

Sadly,

Bill died,

But not before he had started the Center and developed it into a particularly valuable resource for our city.

Just to know that the Center exists is a boon and a salve to families who have experienced a loss.

Walking into the Center that day,

As my family had experienced the loss of Christine,

Gave us a valuable and a safe place to bring our natural emotions.

I looked over and saw the door to the Volcano Room and realized,

Oh,

I am angry.

I am angry that this loss happened to me.

I am angry at Christine.

I am angry at life itself for making me go through this loss and feel these feelings of grief,

Which I did not like.

This,

Of course,

Was way before the gifts began to take hold.

I understood,

At a very deep level,

That I had my own anger to acknowledge and express.

So,

Eventually,

I found a box full of old,

Beaten-up phone books and the rubber hose from the Kubler-Ross workshops and stretched them out on my floor.

I did my own anger work,

Smashing away at the phone books with the rubber hose and expressing my deeply felt anger at Christine's death.

And at Christine herself.

For there's no warning.

It was a heart attack.

No warning at all.

My anger poured out.

And I could express my anger safely,

Knowing that I was not hurting anyone and not hurting myself.

And I could develop and did develop a trust in my anger.

It would come around and ask me to be expressed whenever it needed to.

And that was a relief.

At the Center for Grieving Children,

When it came time to put Christine's memorial star up on the wall,

Our family gathered around and our daughter reached up high and put her star right next to Bill Hammond's at the very top.

The words that we had engraved on the star were grace,

Authenticity,

Love,

Kindness,

And beauty.

Each one a quality that Christine lived and left to us.

As I watched,

I realized other gifts that Christine had left us.

Yes,

Us and also the world.

This started with our blended family because it was a major goal of ours to blend our two families.

I brought two children and she brought two children into the relationship.

And we were very successful at that.

And then the kids grew up.

And as all parents do,

We had to contend with their going their separate ways and become independent people.

I got to see how Christine's physical being was replicated in her daughter's.

The tall,

Intensive,

And gangly forms.

The long,

Blonde hair.

Little mannerisms and speech patterns,

Words they used.

It was a further gift to see these attributes and expressions show up slowly but surely in my granddaughter.

And yes,

I could say Christine's granddaughter.

For she knew Christine the first 10 years of her life.

All were continuing gifts from Christine.

Now here is some quiet meditation time for you.

Take a slow,

Deep breath as you come out of this meditation time and gently return to the present moment.

Several days after the ceremony at the Center for Grieving Children,

Christine's daughter and her husband asked me to help them develop their own meditation practice.

An unexpected gift.

We sat down together and I listened to them and what they wanted.

And I said,

OK,

Let's start.

And they said,

You mean right now?

I said,

Yes,

We're going to meditate right now.

So we meditated for five minutes.

A long time for them.

And afterwards,

We had the most thoughtful and interesting conversation.

They learned more about me and I learned more about them.

And each in their own way,

They developed their own meditation practice.

Her daughter on her way to school and her husband as he was preparing to work online.

Sharing meditation with my children not only helped them develop their own meditation practice,

But allowed me to feel more supported within the family.

Meditation was something that Christine did when she went to her office.

She knew its value in her counseling practice.

And she fully supported me in my own meditation practice.

In these ways,

Christine's belief in the value of silence continued as a gift.

It was as if I had a silent companion as I did my hospice work as a chaplain.

I didn't feel as alone as I used to.

She was with me in spirit when it counted.

I encourage you to harvest the gifts of your own life and to see and to feel who is with you these days as you go about your daily life.

Reviews

That was a beautiful reading and helped me to unpack some anger and grief that i am feeling right now. It wasn’t happenstance that I came across this today. Thank you Jacob! It was comforting to hear your voice. Having meditated with you before helped to string together parts of me that have been left behind.