Chapter 10 Forgiveness To forgive is the highest,
Most beautiful form of love.
In return you will receive untold peace and happiness.
What is it about forgiveness that frightens us so much?
Why was this chapter the hardest for me to write?
I mean on paper it makes perfect sense.
We are offered this wonderful ready-made solution to liberate ourselves from anything that has come to test us.
A proven method to smash the shackles that tie us to a certain someone who has hurt us or left us in pain.
Forgiveness sets us free.
It gently unties the knot in our stomach that swells each time you think about a past event.
It allows you to step out in quiet confidence rather than live in avoidance.
It opens the curtains and lets the sunshine bathe the room that would have remained in darkness.
Broken hearts are put back together piece by piece and left stronger than they were before.
We no longer need to feel imprisoned by mental and emotional attachment as forgiveness unlocks every door.
Forgiveness returns us to a place where inner peace and happiness dwell.
It offers us a wonderful sense of relief and lifts a weight enabling us to travel light without the destructive mental and emotional baggage that we so often carry throughout our lives.
And yet even though we know it's life changing benefits,
Why are we so reluctant to forgive?
We'd rather sign up to living with debilitating emotions such as anger,
Resentment and jealousy than look to find peace through forgiveness.
Our hearts ache with unresolved feelings caused by issues that can stay with us for a lifetime and all because we can't say the F word.
Our lack of forgiveness often harms us more than the person or issue itself.
We hang on to throw away lines that can hurt our feelings for decades or take exception to someone's reaction just because they saw it differently to us.
We hold a grudge for something that we know deep down we too have done to others.
We take exception to an action that we may have even considered ourselves under the circumstances.
Have you ever told a lie?
Cheated on another?
Not played to the rules and won?
Stolen something?
Used aggression?
Been deceitful?
Taken sides for convenience?
Knowingly let someone down?
Manipulated a situation for your own gain regardless of another's feelings?
Need I go on?
Have you ever been unable to forgive another for any of the above even in the knowledge that you act exactly the same way?
This begins to help us see the frailty of clinging on to an action that is deemed wrong by us simply because it belongs to someone else and yet expect others to accept it if we put our name on it.
There will of course be genuine reasons for us to feel aggrieved by another's actions.
An unprovoked attack,
A partner being unfaithful,
Our loved ones or those close to us harmed in some way.
But even then,
Even when we see no way out,
Forgiveness offers us a lifeline and enables us to work gently through the situation in our own time whilst giving us a chance to move on with our lives.
It is important for us to understand that forgiveness never means condoning the action or behaviour that has hurt us but allows us the prospect of not remaining a victim for life.
Maybe it's the religious holier than thou connotation that forgiveness carries with it.
Perhaps we associate this ancient wisdom with those far more enlightened than us.
Forgiveness is a gift to you.
It wasn't dreamt up because they were a couple of lines short in the Lord's Prayer.
It's a natural process that restores our faith in life.
For those of you with young children,
You will know that if they could read this,
They would laugh out loud at the absurdity of holding on to all this stuff.
Forgiving to them is as natural as laughing out loud.
Something else we're not as good at as we used to be.
So,
Is it possible to reintroduce ourselves slowly to a belief that may be seen by many as weak in a world that demands strength or as letting the other person off the hook when we're encouraged to show them who's boss?
Real courage and strength lie in forgiveness,
Not in harbouring resentment or anger towards another.
Besides,
By holding on and not looking to let go,
Who really wins?
We remain attached to that person forever,
A prisoner to the memory with all the additional heartache that has built up every time we've thought about it over the years.
There has to be a better way.
It is important for us to acknowledge that forgiveness is a personal choice and as such we should not and cannot rely on another person.
We can therefore take total responsibility for forgiving another or ourselves without the need for permission or anyone else's involvement.
This in itself is wonderfully liberating since all it takes for you to relieve yourself from the burden of past issues or the crippling pain of anxiety and fear is you.
There are only two types of forgiveness.
We can forgive ourselves or we can forgive someone else.
The principle of both is exactly the same but I would encourage you to begin with working on yourself.
As you begin to work on self-forgiveness,
It will enable you to detach yourself from limiting beliefs that you cannot move on with your life.
It will show you that positive and inspiring change is not only possible but also a natural consequence of forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness offers you a perfect platform on which to build a foundation for inner peace.
It gives hope to what you thought was a lost cause and gently wipes your slate clean in order for you to take the experience and move on from it a better person.
Let us now look at forgiving others.
You may feel that this is more difficult because there is someone else involved,
Perhaps someone who has hurt you in some way.
This is where we need to remind ourselves that we are not looking to condone behaviour in any way and that which has already gone before can't be changed.
It was a moment in time,
Now gone forever.
Our forgiveness of another will,
However,
Remove our attachment to that past event,
Enabling us to take the experience and lessons learned without remaining suffocated by the negative feelings that we have associated with it.
So how can we begin to develop a forgiving outlook in everyday life?
Take a moment with the words of the Dalai Lama,
If you want others to be happy,
Practice compassion.
If you want to be happy,
Practice compassion.
So what is it about compassion and why should it appear right in the middle of a chapter on developing forgiveness in your life?
Compassion is often associated with or even mistaken for empathy and sympathy.
Here is the difference between the three.
Empathy is acknowledging someone else's situation.
Empathy does not mean that you agree with or share what they are going through.
It simply means that you understand it.
Sympathy means that not only do you understand it,
But that you feel exactly the same way as they do about it.
Compassion takes both of them and makes you want to help.
It says to the other person,
I understand how you are feeling and I want to make it better for you.
I want you to be free of suffering.
Compassion is kindness in its purest form.
Having compassion for someone lightens their load,
Eases their pain,
Lets them know that they are not alone.
If you were to unravel your own compassion,
It would contain warmth,
Sincerity and sensitivity.
It would be unconditional,
Tender and caring.
And it would show you the true meaning of how to love yourself and others.
So why is compassion the key?
It enables you to approach forgiveness from a place of understanding.
It allows you to say to yourself or the other person,
I recognise why you did this because I too have been there and I want to help.
Compassion reminds you that each person you meet has a peaceful,
Loving side and helps you to seek their innocence and not their guilt.
It ignites within you a loving,
Kind nature and as we get back what we give out,
It won't be long before your need to forgive subtly reduces and is replaced by a new peaceful outlook on life.
Dr Wayne Dyer tells us,
When you change the way you look at things,
The things you look at change.
The next few pages will begin to build forgiveness into your everyday life.
It's at times like this that your ego,
That part of you driven by fear and doubt and the need to control,
Will throw up all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't have this book open at all.
I can almost hear it now.
Well done you for sticking with the book this far but can we please get back to what's in it for me?
We're wasting precious worry time here.
The good news is that the next few pages will start to create a subtle shift within you.
It will help you identify with your true or higher self.
Recognise it as who you really are and begin to isolate your ego's grip on how you feel and act each day.
In a short space of time you will even begin to recognise when your ego is attempting to block your route to a happier existence but you will remain focused on what your correct course of action should be.
Before you begin I would like to relate a poem by a Zen master called Ryokan.
He was a Buddhist monk who lived in the early 19th century,
Famed for his simple compassionate approach to life and his love for all people.
His poetry has gone on to make him a national hero in Japan and his work and presence inspire me greatly.
One of his poems offers these words of wisdom.
Read it a couple of times and let it sink in.
If not for you I would have counted to 100,
To 1000 and yet never come to understand what it means.
But now each time I count to 10,
10 times to make 100.
So how is all this relevant to developing forgiveness in your life?
Start simple.
Don't let your ego look to prove you wrong.
Instead of attempting to count to 100,
Count to 10,
10 times and achieve the same outcome.
Look to begin your forgiveness work on issues or people that won't test you too much.
Those niggly little things that hang around your mind but take up your time.
We all have them but they add up.
Practice makes perfect and each time you are able to remove a layer of anxiety or a thread of regret your work is done and you can move on.
10 little ones make a big one so go easy on yourself.
Finally I would like to give you an account of something that happened to me.
Each week I join a group of friends for a game of football at a local indoor sports centre.
Although competitive the emphasis is very much on enjoyment and trying to keep fit at an age where perhaps we should know better.
One week a man came along who I had never met before and played on the opposing team.
After about five minutes we found ourselves running quickly side by side and without warning he pushed me with both hands into the wall.
I put out my hands to protect myself and after hitting the wall at full speed and hearing the crack I immediately knew that I had broken something.
The pain in my right hand was severe.
Within an hour both hands had become very swollen and as I lay in bed that evening feelings of anger and even revenge began to dominate how I was feeling.
Who was this man,
This stranger?
Why had he shown no remorse?
It was unprovoked he had only met me a few minutes earlier.
The following day an x-ray confirmed that I had broken my hand and would be in plaster for six weeks.
At the time my job was dependent on my ability to drive and so loss of earnings became a factor.
It was early summer so I was unable to surf or play any sport with my children.
After six weeks the plaster was removed and another x-ray showed no signs of improvement which meant another six weeks in a cast with the possibility of surgery at the end of it.
For over three months a sudden violent act from a stranger had come to really test me.
The plaster cast,
Pain and inconvenience were a constant reminder of the incident but above all they had created in me harmful thoughts and possible actions against another person.
Almost six months to the day and the town where I lived had its Christmas carnival.
The streets were full,
Music,
Dancing and festive cheer were all around.
As I carried my young son on my shoulders I turned a corner and bumped into someone coming the other way.
I recognised him as the man who had broken my hand.
As he looked back at me I was able to offer a genuine smile.
Many thoughts of revenge or hostility had disappeared and with no knot in my stomach or lump in my throat I wished him a Merry Christmas.
At that moment I realised that through the work that is about to be introduced to you I had been able to totally forgive him and move on.
It felt wonderful,
Almost magical.
I mentioned at the beginning that this chapter was the most challenging for me but working through it and developing an active approach to forgiveness has had an amazingly positive effect on my wellbeing.
Now it's your turn.
