Codependency: How We Transformed Our Relationship - E15

When codependency shows up in romantic relationships, we rely too much on our partner for validation. We people-please, neglect our needs and arrange our life around our partner. In this episode, I share about my personal journey with codependency and how my husband and I transformed our dysfunctional marriage. You'll also learn essential tips to recover from codependency, including healing from shame and cultivating joy.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Annie Musu,

A certified EFT tapping master practitioner.

I help women build confidence,

Set boundaries,

And enjoy healthy relationships.

Welcome to my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

On this show,

I offer practical wisdom to help you clear fears,

Limiting beliefs,

And trauma so that you can gracefully create a life you love.

Welcome to episode number 15 of my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

Thanks for tuning in.

I'm grateful that more of you are listening to my podcast and working with me.

Thank you for letting me be of service.

In today's episode,

You'll learn what codependency is,

My personal story of recovery,

And three essential keys to healing and finding yourself again.

Let's dive in.

How did you guys meet?

Whenever Loic,

My partner and I,

Get asked that question,

We glance at each other and laugh.

In the streets.

Right on cue,

Friends and acquaintances raise their brow,

Intrigued.

I had just arrived in Western France to teach English after college.

Some of us teachers went out for a drink downtown and were saying our goodbyes for the night.

As we stood in a big circle under a street lamp,

I heard a faint melody.

My ears perked up.

It was Bob Marley's jamming.

Close by,

A group of guys talked excitedly around a boombox.

Then Loic approaches me with a big smile.

Hey,

Do you want to listen to some music with us?

I didn't want the night to end just yet,

So I said yes.

And then we got swept away in conversation about photography and graffiti.

Two weeks later,

We went out for a date.

Seven months later,

We got married,

And we've been together for 14 years.

After we finished telling the story of how we met,

People usually look at us starry-eyed,

Or as the French say,

Etoiles dans la jute.

They wonder at our chemistry,

How we giggle like new lovers do.

What they don't know is that our rom-com encounter quickly became a toxic relationship mired in codependency,

And that this hellish nightmare would take us on a long,

Winding voyage to radical self-acceptance.

So what is codependency?

According to therapist Darlene Lancer,

Codependency happens when a person can't function from their innate self,

And instead organizes their thinking and behavior around a substance,

A process like gambling,

Or another person.

Codependency can show up in personal relationships like with a friend,

Parent,

Partner,

Or colleague,

But not always,

Hence substance and process in the definition.

For this episode,

I'm focusing on romantic relationships.

Basically,

It's when you rely too much on your partner for validation.

As a result,

You people-please,

Neglect your needs,

And arrange your life around your partner.

Keeping the peace and caretaking become the priority,

Making you vulnerable to mistreatment and shame.

So let's look at some signs of codependency.

You might be codependent even if you have some of these signs.

They don't have to show up all the time or with everyone.

The first one is low self-esteem,

Beating yourself up,

Feeling unworthy,

Worrying what others think of you.

Perfectionism,

Holding yourself or others to unrealistic standards and fearing failure.

People-pleasing,

Putting others' needs before yours,

Caretaking with strings attached,

Having poor or no boundaries.

Dysfunctional communication,

Difficulty identifying and expressing your feelings,

Thoughts,

And needs.

Control,

Controlling your own feelings,

Telling others what to do,

Manipulating others,

Including people-pleasing.

Painful emotions,

Struggling with anxiety,

Fear,

Guilt,

Anger,

Hopelessness,

Depression,

Or shame.

Fear of abandonment,

Identifying with relationships,

Fearing loneliness,

Difficulty leaving toxic relationships.

And addiction,

Soothing painful emotions with substances,

Activities,

Or relationships.

Keep in mind that having one trait in a specific situation doesn't make you codependent.

I highly recommend Lancer's book Codependency for Dummies for deeper insight.

So one essential lesson I learned was avoid caretaking and accept painful emotions.

I remember the first time I realized Loic had an anger problem.

The steady patter of the shower resonated in the bathroom.

I was calmly folding clothes on our bed when all of a sudden Loic cursed and yelled.

He kept at it for a good minute or so as if he were raging at someone.

What was all this commotion,

Some sort of joke?

To my great surprise,

It wasn't.

Loic explained that the shower curtain kept sticking to him,

Which annoyed him to no end.

I couldn't believe my ears.

Toussaint Pulsat?

All that fuss for nothing.

Day in,

Day out,

Seemingly small things provoked explosive reactions.

Reasoning with Loic was like stepping before a dragon's stream of fire.

I soon feared his reactions and even believed that I contributed to them.

So I stayed small to keep the peace.

I thought,

If I don't help him,

Who will?

In my mind,

Unconditional love meant sacrificing myself,

Stuffing down my feelings,

And ignoring my needs.

Believe it or not,

Loic felt exactly the same way about me.

I didn't realize it at the time,

But I too struggled with anger.

Any perceived criticism or patriarchal comment made my blood boil.

I was constantly on guard.

It turns out that under our anger,

Loic and I stored mountains of grief,

Fear,

And depression from various childhood hardships,

And it was all pouring out in one go.

Our respective boats were sinking,

And instead of healing our own emotional wounds,

We were bailing out the water of the other person's boat.

Despite our good intentions,

The pressure was too much.

Our rage consumed us for years until we finally hit rock bottom.

To recover from codependency,

We have to first and foremost heal our inner child.

Lancer writes that recognizing your codependent patterns and sources is a major step in your recovery,

But real change involves healing underlying shame and grieving losses from your childhood.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family,

You learned to censor yourself to please others.

It didn't feel safe to express your vulnerability,

Emotions,

And true self.

You learned to be responsible and in control at an early age.

To feel whole and enjoy relationships as adults,

Psychologist Carl Jung encouraged us to heal and accept our inner child.

Grieve over your losses,

Including disappointments like the lack of a happy childhood,

Feeling isolated,

And being abandoned.

Which activities light you up?

Do you like to garden,

Dance,

Play with a pet,

Or cook?

Doing activities you love boosts your enthusiasm,

Creativity,

And joie de vivre.

Also,

Pay attention to your inner child's needs and desires.

Avoid working too hard.

Set and honor your boundaries.

Imagine criticizing your own child.

She'd become anxious,

Cranky,

Or depressed,

Wouldn't she?

Instead,

Give your inner child unconditional love.

Invite her to talk about her feelings.

Show her you're there for her.

Another important piece to recovery is healing from shame.

Shame is the feeling that you're inadequate,

Bad,

Broken,

Or unworthy.

It's an emotion like any other,

But when we identify with it,

It wreaks havoc in our lives.

Emotional or physical abuse could leave you believing that you're weak or responsible for the abuse.

As a child,

You felt powerless before your parents,

Who were cold,

Rigid,

Or unpredictable.

It was easier to bend over backwards to please them and avoid criticism.

Furthermore,

We all have an inner critic that judges us in everything we do.

It makes us feel not good enough.

Psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone say that our inner critic is composed of other people's judgments,

Like those of your parents,

Caretakers,

Family members,

Teachers,

Or coaches.

To tame your inner critic,

Pay attention to your thoughts as you go about your day.

Which negative thoughts do you hear?

What's going on at the time?

Notice how your body feels.

Then use EFT tapping on your observations.

Even though I can't seem to do anything right and I feel this disappointment in my chest,

I choose to accept myself anyway.

Contemplate the inner critic's voice.

Its tone,

Volume,

And words may remind you of how someone spoke to you in the past.

This exercise helps you distinguish your voice from theirs,

An important step to take back the reins.

You can even befriend your inner critic by setting boundaries,

For example,

No name-calling,

And understanding its worries like a good friend would do.

It may sound strange,

But you'd be surprised by the inner critic's good intentions and how it can become your ally if you let it.

And finally,

Another key aspect of healing is cultivating joy.

In addition to accepting your pain,

You can further heal from codependency by taking pleasure in various activities.

Similar to doing whatever lights up your inner child,

The goal is to relax and have fun.

This helps us release feel-good hormones that ease anxiety and depression.

One of the simplest ways to relax is called the progressive muscle relaxation technique.

You just sit or lie down,

Then while inhaling,

Contract a body part like your feet for five to ten seconds.

Exhale and release the tension,

Then repeat for all body parts.

I'd recommend doing this exercise often,

Whether or not you feel anxious,

Because it'll help you stay calm and grounded.

Lancer suggests spending an entire day unplanned,

But follow your body's impulses and senses.

Ignore your shoulds.

You can listen to your favorite music,

Lie in the grass and watch clouds,

Arrange flowers,

Visit an art museum,

Use scented oils,

Soap,

Incense,

Or perfume.

If you're used to overachieving to gain love and approval,

It can be hard to stop and do nothing.

But leisure refreshes our mind,

Body,

And spirit.

Studies show that it's an effective healing method.

One thing that Loic and I love to do is watch comedies together.

Laughter reduces stress,

Increases resilience,

And eases pain.

Since codependency can engulf your time and energy,

It's helpful to get out and connect with other people.

Take a calligraphy class,

Join a sports club,

Or volunteer at a local museum.

This will give you encouragement and a sense of belonging.

Here's a lovely quote by Rumi,

When you do things from your soul,

You feel a river moving in you,

A joy.

So be gentle.

Healing from codependency takes time.

I'm immensely grateful that Loic and I were willing to overcome our fears,

Grieve,

And heal together,

Though there were many times I didn't think we'd make it.

And there are days when our old codependent habits sneak up on us.

That's when I remind myself that it can take years to replace deeply ingrained habits.

You just have to keep progressing and staying aware.

We've come a long way.

Today we rejoice in a loving relationship with ourselves and each other.

Ten years ago,

I would have never imagined that it'd be possible.

I wish you the courage to heal,

Love,

And empower yourself.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of Hush Your Mind.

If you enjoyed it,

Please feel free to visit my about page on my InsightTimer profile for my website,

And follow me for new content and live EFT tapping sessions.

May you have the courage to love and accept yourself.

Be well and take care.

Reviews

That was incredibly helpful!! Thank you for the clear insight into codependency. I’m just beginning a healing journey using the 12 Steps. So grateful for your message!