Givers And Takers: Part 2

In this second episode, of "Givers and Takers", Glenn talks more about the relationship dynamic of givers and takers, and how to create a healthy balance between the two. Glenn uses a number of relatable, real life examples, to help us become aware of how to say no in situations where we should be putting ourselves first.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hello there.

Welcome to the show.

So today on Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with Glenn Ambrose,

We're doing part deux of… I thought I was going to get a reaction on it,

But part deux,

I got nothing.

I mean,

You almost got a reaction of just saying your name the way that you did.

Of what are we doing?

Part deux of Givers and Takers.

Yeah,

Givers and Takers.

We recorded the first episode three minutes ago.

I don't know why you can't remember.

It's a stream of thought,

Man.

This is why I keep talking when I'm talking,

Because it flows.

As soon as I stop,

I'm in trouble.

So anywho,

Yeah,

We kind of left off,

And it seemed like there was a lot more to talk about on this topic,

So we decided to do a second part of Givers and Takers.

So kind of to recap,

If you haven't listened,

Basically there's Givers and there's Takers,

And it's not because that's how we are naturally,

It's just that over our childhood or whatever,

We kind of started going in that direction,

Because on one level or another,

It worked for us.

So that's kind of what we… We got out of whack.

So the ideal situation is to have it full circle,

To give and receive,

Give and receive,

So you're constantly giving,

And you're constantly replenishing your supplies so you can continue giving,

And it just continues forever in a healthy balance.

So that's the ideal way,

But most people are not like that.

So most people are more Givers or more Takers,

And we've determined that most of our audience is probably more Givers.

And even if it's not our audience,

Most people that are even aware that there's an issue are probably the Givers,

Because they're feeling depleted,

And the Takers are not feeling depleted,

So they're probably unaware that there's an issue.

So the Givers really have to set the boundaries,

Because it's their stuff,

And they also have to practice receiving.

And I found that was a big thing for me,

Is to practice receiving.

And it was just,

You know,

Like,

I remember,

Even when I was younger,

Like if I went over somebody's house and they're like,

Oh,

Are you thirsty?

No,

I'm fine.

Just instinctively.

And I could be very thirsty,

And I would say no anyway,

Just because I didn't want to put them out on getting me something to drink,

Which Ben is smiling,

Because apparently you do that as well.

Oh yeah.

I mean,

I'm pretty sure I did that about an hour ago.

Oh yeah,

I did ask you if you wanted anything to drink.

Just immediately no.

I don't think I've ever said yes.

I said yes,

Actually I said yes last time we recorded,

And the water just sat there the whole time,

And I didn't drink it.

I felt so bad that I didn't drink it.

Yeah,

You wasted like probably six ounces of perfectly good water.

That's just absolute ridiculousness.

But I like during the recording last time,

I was like,

Oh,

I'm not drinking that water.

And it was too,

Like it was too far away from me from where we were recording.

I was like,

I'm not drinking it.

And then I felt so guilty that I didn't drink it.

I was like,

I'm not.

Now you can never drink water again.

I'm very dehydrated.

And if you look at how ridiculous that is by having a conversation about it,

You can see like,

Well,

Okay,

So whatever.

I just didn't drink water.

But subconsciously that will literally put a block there if you don't look at it and prevent you from ever getting water someplace again.

Well,

What if I don't drink it?

What if you don't?

It's okay.

Yeah.

My first instinct is always to just say no.

When somebody asks me if I want something,

Or if they can give me something or if I can tell them something.

No,

No,

No,

No.

Don't go out of your way.

Immediately no,

No.

Yeah.

And it's,

I've gotten,

I mean,

I think I'm still probably,

Not probably,

I'm sure I'm still out of balance in the giving aspect.

I mean,

I don't let people pay me back for things.

And I'm probably way out of whack with this whole receiving.

What does receiving look like?

Receiving?

Yeah.

Could you just tell me that?

Because I don't.

Yeah.

And you know,

The first time I ever saw it,

I remember,

I didn't even know what it was,

But I knew it was something really good and I wanted to have it in my life.

I was,

This was like 14 years ago.

I remember I was down in Florida and there was a group of people and we were talking and there was this guy that this older gentleman that was talking and I respected him.

You know,

He had a way about him that I liked.

And all of a sudden somebody interrupted the conversation and kind of stuck their head in the circle and they're like,

Excuse me,

Sorry to interrupt.

And he looked at this guy and he goes,

Hey,

I just wanted to thank you for what you did or what you said.

I forgot what he thanked them for.

But he says,

I just want to thank you for that.

I really appreciated it.

It meant a lot.

And sorry to interrupt.

I'll let you go,

But I just want to say thank you.

And he stopped.

He looked at the person as the person was talking to him.

And he,

When the person finished talking,

He looked at them and he said,

You're welcome.

And then he went back to the rest of us and started talking again.

And this wave went through me and I went,

Oh my God,

What was that?

And I saw him receive a compliment.

He received the thank you.

He took it in.

He looked the person in the eye,

The person said,

Thank you.

And he didn't say,

Oh no,

It's no big deal.

Don't worry about it.

He didn't say any of that.

He said,

You're welcome.

So that is the one thing that I have tried to implement in the last year or so of receiving is whenever anybody says thank you.

And I don't remember why.

I don't think it was you.

I think it was like just some,

I think I heard like some comedian say like,

That's so rude.

It is so rude when someone says thank you for something and you say no problem.

Like you're saying back to them,

Oh,

If it was any work at all,

I wouldn't have done it.

Yeah.

Don't,

Don't worry about it.

Not an issue.

I didn't do it for you.

No big deal.

I didn't do it for you.

I didn't care about you.

It's fine.

It was literally nothing.

I don't care.

Everything was,

I did it accidentally.

I act,

I actually tripped landed on a bottle of water and it shot over to you.

I didn't even mean to give it to you.

Yeah.

I mean,

But,

Um,

So I just,

Every time somebody says thank you for something now,

I really try to say you're welcome.

It was a big habit of mine saying no problem was just my go to answer.

And that's such an important thing on,

Like,

I believe we can use tools to help us do things.

We can use different things to help us motivate ourselves,

Especially where in,

In things like this,

Because somebody that gives too much,

Generally there's a problem with their self esteem.

So they're trying to build,

They're trying to build their self esteem by being a good person.

So then they give,

Then they feel better about themselves and,

You know,

The cycle begins.

So what you can do with,

With things like this is you flip flop what you're trying to do.

And this is what I did with receiving to start learning how to receive is because of something that you just said,

It's I flip flopped it and I went,

How rude of it is me?

Is it of me not to accept?

Like you know,

This person goes out of their way.

This person is trying to be nice.

Like it feels good to give,

You know,

We all know it feels good to give.

That's why we get confused and go,

Oh,

Well,

It's better to give than receive.

I have to,

I just give,

Give,

Give,

Give makes me feel good.

Yeah,

But if you don't receive,

Then you don't have anything to give.

Then you can't continue giving.

So it has to be full circle,

But the giving aspect really feels good.

I just realized something that we never discussed in the first part of this conversation.

The guilt,

The guilt of the taker,

The guilt that you're putting on the taker by constantly giving is,

Can be very real,

Especially if the taker ever tries to give back and you don't accept.

Yes.

Well,

Yeah,

That's it.

If they don't,

If they,

If you try to give back and,

And they don't,

You know,

Because then if they're trying to give back,

They've also,

They've obviously seen that it's out of whack.

So they're trying to give back and then that so much I give and that I block.

Anything coming back?

So that's a good,

It's a good way to be able to,

To adjust our behaviors because we're sitting there and we're going,

You know,

This person is trying to feel,

I feel good when I give and then all of a sudden this person is trying to feel good and they're going,

Hey,

Let me give to you.

And you go,

No,

No,

No,

You're not allowed to feel good by giving.

I'm going to block the cycle for you.

So I'm not going to allow you to feel good.

And when givers start seeing it that way,

They go,

Oh no,

I don't want to do that.

I want them to be able to feel the good feeling I get from giving.

They should give too.

And then all of a sudden,

So when you flip flop it like that,

That's what I used.

As soon as I saw that I was,

You know,

By,

By rising above receiving,

So I thought I was not allowing other people to feel the joy of giving.

And I was like,

Who the hell am I to not allow people to feel the joy of giving?

How selfish is that of me?

You know,

And once I started looking at it from that perspective,

Then I started being able to receive because it's almost,

I used my giver predisposition in my favor because I'm like,

Oh,

Well I'm,

I'm helping them give joy by,

By receiving them,

By receiving from them,

By allowing them to give.

So it,

You know,

That was my beginning motivation.

And then,

You know,

Like I said,

You use stuff like that for your motivation.

Then once you start learning how to receive,

All of a sudden you start understanding it feels really good to receive too.

It's like,

Oh,

This is nice as well.

And then you appreciate that receiving,

But like in the beginning I needed some reason to start receiving.

And that was it.

I just realized something else.

You're like,

There's like light bulbs popping.

I'm upset.

The,

Not only can you block,

If you're,

If you're overwhelmingly giving and then you do not receive,

Not only can you block a,

Somebody who's classified as the taker in the relationship from giving back to you,

But I just realized that you're also stopping them from,

You can also stop them from doing things for themselves that would also make them feel good and also build their self-esteem,

You know,

So,

So that they then become more dependent so that the taker remains dependent.

Because if you're blocking them from doing things themselves by doing things for them,

Then they remain dependent on you and they remain being the taker so that you can continue to feel good by giving them.

Which parents do a lot.

When their kids get older,

They can't allow them to break.

They're scared that they're not going to need them anymore.

They're not going to,

You know,

They're going to break away and be independent and then are going to come visit and spend time with them.

So they just kind of keep them in control.

They keep,

Oh no,

You don't need to get a job yet.

Oh no,

You know,

And they just keep them dependent.

And if they keep them dependent,

Then they have control over them,

You know,

Which isn't love.

It's just,

I mean,

You know,

I mean,

Their intentions,

Right,

It's codependency.

Their intentions,

I'm sure are based because they love them somewhere.

But it got warped because now all of a sudden it became an out of balance situation.

They're like,

Oh no,

I need to control them.

Right.

And you're blocking growth and joy.

Yeah.

And that's what happens with,

You know,

I've said this a million times.

When something is spiritual,

It's spider webs with goodness.

There is no drawback to it.

And this is what we're starting to stumble upon because we've gone deeper enough into this where you're starting to see how it benefits in all ways,

Having a healthy balance of giving and receiving.

It's not just about giving and receiving.

It's about self-esteem.

It's about people's personal growth.

It's about happiness.

It's about well-balanced.

It's about fulfillment.

It's about all that stuff.

It plays a part in all that,

You know.

So it's an important subject.

I mean,

One time,

Oh geez,

I don't know how many years ago now,

Maybe six years ago or something.

I had a friend of mine,

A friend of mine,

Pat,

Who just got married in Hawaii.

Really happy for her.

She was visiting from Hawaii and I saw her.

I saw her at this service and after the service,

I said,

Oh,

Do you want to go grab something to eat and chat?

And she was like,

No,

I can't.

And I said,

Okay,

Maybe another time.

And I started leaving and I was walking to my car and I just kept hearing this voice,

Like don't,

Walk slowly.

Just walk slowly.

She might call you back or something,

You know.

So I was walking slowly and I was listening.

And all of a sudden I heard her voice.

And I turned around and she waved to me back and I went back.

She's like,

No,

I do want to go grab something to eat.

I've just been visiting and I've been spending a lot of money lately and I just kind of was,

You know,

Thinking that maybe I was spending too much money,

But that's coming from a place of lack and I don't want to come from a place of lack.

So let's go have something to eat.

Okay.

So we get there and we followed each other to this restaurant.

We get out,

We're walking in and she goes,

Oh,

And by the way,

On a drive over,

I was hearing that I should pay because it's really going to drive home the lesson to not live from a place of lack.

So I'm paying for our lunch.

And every part of me wanted to go,

Oh no,

Don't do that.

And I just started laughing and I went,

No,

What's funny is I'm working on receiving so this is going to be a good lesson for both of us.

And she started laughing,

You know,

And that's what happened.

And when the bill came,

Every part of me wanted to reach across the table,

You know,

We talked about it after.

It's like,

You know,

I just wanted to reach across that table and grab the bill and say,

No,

You're visiting from Hawaii,

You're spending a lot of money,

Seeing a lot of people,

Let me take care of it.

You know,

I wanted to do that so bad,

But she had her lesson to learn and I had my lesson to learn.

I needed to learn how to receive.

She needed to learn to not function from a place of lack.

And because we paid attention to what our lessons were,

We both learned from that.

And then it was funny because when we're leaving,

She's backing out and she starts laying on the horn and she's like,

Look,

Look.

And there was some saying,

And I forgot what it was because it was years ago,

That we had said about this topic.

And there was the car that was parked next to me that started pulling out had a bumper sticker that I had never seen before with the exact saying that we had been talking about.

No way,

You know.

So we really have to put a lot of effort into learning how to receive in a lot of different ways.

Right?

Right,

Ben?

No,

I'm going to shut this down.

No.

Warped dynamics are good.

I think everything's fine.

I don't do any of this stuff.

So are there like little,

What are little ways like letting your friend pay for lunch?

What are there,

What are little ways that you can practice receiving?

Yeah,

I mean,

Letting a friend pay for lunch,

Practice receiving compliments,

Practice receiving.

If somebody says,

Do you,

You know,

If you're over somebody's house and they say,

Do you want something to eat or do you want something to drink,

Stop for a minute and actually see if you do before you answer.

You know,

If you pay attention,

That's what consciousness is such a big help in getting ourselves balanced.

If you pay attention,

You'll see little ways.

And as you pay attention,

These little ways are going to bubble up right in front of you.

And if there's somebody that the dynamic is warped and you're sick of them taking,

The first thing you can do is one,

Start understanding that it's not their fault.

It's your fault.

You know,

You're in control of what you give.

So once you really start wrapping your brain around that,

Then all of a sudden it frees up the energy to forgive the other person because,

You know,

Forgive them,

They know not what they do.

And it's not their responsibility.

So then you can let that resentment go.

And if there's a relationship that is warped like that,

You can set some boundaries,

You know,

Have a,

Have an honest conversation.

And one thing that's nice about family,

Like a lot of times,

Most for the most part,

Family doesn't usually bolt like other people do.

You know,

They usually kind of hang around.

You usually get a little leeway with family.

So just have an honest conversation about it and,

You know,

First letting them know that you're not attacking them.

Listen,

I understand this is my fault.

It's my responsibility.

It's not on you.

But you know,

I've just been,

I've just been giving too much and I'm getting depleted.

I can't continue just giving,

You know.

So really make it about you because it is about you.

And this change is very possible to,

To learn to open up and receive.

I have,

I was just,

I was just remembering or realizing that I have a friend who was a giver in a codependent relationship.

Not very long ago.

Is his name Ben?

Not very long ago.

No.

He's,

Shall we name him Ben?

But this friend was a,

Was a giver in a codependent relationship that was pretty toxic.

And because of that,

When other people would try to give compliments,

They couldn't receive the compliments.

They refused to receive the compliments.

Very uncomfortable.

They wouldn't do it.

Right?

But when they did that,

When the dynamics of that person's life changed and they were,

They were no longer forced to be such a strong giver and they started to practice receiving.

Now like I'm just realizing that now and it hasn't been that long,

That person's really great at accepting help,

Accepting compliments.

They're happier.

They're,

You know,

And they're still,

They're still giving at a high level,

But without the codependency.

Right.

And,

And just the ability to receive has like,

I was just bursted through,

You know,

In a,

In a,

In a really relatively short period of time.

And like,

I don't think that I had ever seen somebody as closed off to receiving,

Like could not take a compliment.

Could not,

Could not take somebody wanting to do something for them.

Once you break through it,

It's,

You know,

The thing of it is,

Is it's our natural way of being this.

That's something that we forget.

Our natural way of being is in healthy balance of giving and receiving.

That's just natural.

So it's,

You know,

We can get back there and,

You know,

One of the things that people use to stay stuck is they say that they,

They,

They,

Um,

Make things all black and white,

You know,

Well,

I'm a giver.

Well,

I can't just stop giving.

It's who I am.

So I,

You know,

I'm not,

I just can't.

It's,

It's why nobody's asking you to stop giving.

That's not,

Not once has anybody said in these two podcasts that anybody should stop giving.

That in fact,

You have to give because then you just become a taker.

So what,

You know,

What good is that?

So because you're going to be on one end or the other.

So what it is is you just pull back and you give in a healthy way and then you enjoy it more because you're not getting resentful about it and it's more in balance.

And then you start learning to receive and then you find out there's joy in receiving too.

And as when you value yourself,

It's like,

Oh,

This,

You know,

As your self-esteem rises,

You start receiving better and vice versa.

As you practice receiving more,

Your self-esteem will rise.

So it's like,

All of a sudden you're like,

Oh,

I do deserve nice things.

I do deserve somebody to get me water when I'm parched.

And if you're,

And if your self-esteem rises,

You're happier.

And then if you're happier,

You have more to give.

And you're coming from a place of more genuine giving.

So the giving that you're giving,

The things that you're giving,

The amount that you're giving is not coming from a place of necessity that you need to give in order to,

Because I think that givers feel like they need to give in order to receive love,

But then they don't let the love in.

So then they give more.

Right.

And if you learn to love yourself and basically,

You know,

If you're giving of love,

Well,

Of anything,

You know,

Works with money,

Money might be even a clearer example.

You give from the overflow,

You know,

That's,

That's kind of the rule of thumb.

If you fill yourself up and then you're filled with love and then you give from the overflow,

Then you'll never run out because you're always full.

And you can constantly give and constantly give and constantly give and it feels wonderful because you're constantly receiving and constantly receiving,

You know,

And it's the same thing with money,

You know,

That like I said,

The money might be a clearer example.

Give from the overflow.

If you're,

It's irresponsible to have,

You know,

A certain amount of money to pay your bills and to take from yours and give to somebody else.

That's not,

That's not being a good person.

That's being irresponsible.

You know,

What,

If you,

People who give,

If,

If they have,

You know,

Whatever,

$5,

000 worth of bills and they have $7,

000,

Well,

Then they have $2,

000 to give,

You know,

And I mean,

You know,

Maybe not,

Maybe hang,

Hang onto a grand just for,

You know,

I was seriously just going to say the same exact example with the same exact amount of money.

Wow.

I was going to say if you have,

But if you only have $5,

000 and your bills are $5,

000 and you are,

And you play the martyr and you go give $2,

000 and you give somebody $2,

000 and then you don't have $2,

000.

That's being irresponsible.

That's not a good person to pay this bill.

And then you now have to make up for that next month.

Right?

So you're,

You're now actually coming from a place of lack,

Which,

Which inhibits you from being able to give later.

Right.

You,

You can't give more than you can,

More than you're able to,

Because then you're not going to be able to give it all later.

Yeah.

It's just,

You're depleted.

So you're trying to give from a depleted supply,

Which you can't do.

So if we're responsible in our giving,

You know,

Then we can continue the giving and then we can continue living in that space of giving and receiving forever,

Which is optimal.

You know,

That's what we want.

It feels,

It does,

It feels good to give and receive,

But we can't do one or the other.

We have to do both.

And the better we get those two things in balance,

The better we are.

This has been a great two episodes.

Yeah.

We made it through two too.

Yeah.

Two,

Two.

Two,

Two.

And we're wearing two twos right now.

Or we'll,

We'll post a picture later.

Yeah.

So we had to be a little ridiculous,

Right?

Yeah,

Really.

So where can people find you to get more help on this?

Well,

They can go to Google earth and find me in Rhode Island.

Don't tell people to do that.

Do not tell people to do that.

I was,

I was,

Uh,

I was looking at a window the other day and the Apple maps car passed the house.

And I was,

I've never seen the Apple maps car.

I've seen the Google car before,

But that was,

That was weird.

I was like,

Well,

It might be just easier just to go to Glen Ambrose.

Com and then get the address and then Google earth.

Yeah.

If you want,

You know,

I mean,

I don't know why you'd want to do that,

But go for it.

You can see some horses.

Yeah.

Some horses,

Maybe me.

I'll be out there waving.

Hey,

What's up?

Wow.

Probably not.

All right.

Well,

Thanks for listening everybody.

We are definitely going to wrap it up on that note.

So talk to you soon.

Later.

Reviews

👌

This was so good! Great continuation of the first 💖

You two are spectacular together. What a perfect combination. Part I and II of Givers and Takers created a radical shift in the way I see my giving. Over the years, I realized that a large part of my giving seemed driven by a self glory agenda. This summed it up, perfectly. I’m closer to balancing the loop more now than ever before. Blessings, gratitude and love. 🙏

I love all of your podcasts, but this 2-part series resonated with me through and through. I grew up with a flawed thinking that saying “you’re welcome” was egotistical or even a rude response. I can’t explain why because I know now as an adult that it is simply not true. So, I’ve struggled with that as well as receiving... basically anything lol. I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m deeply grateful for this nudge and insight as I believe it came to me perfectly. Thank you 🙏🦋

Well said. Thanks, this is a game changer for me. "Practice to receive"👀

Great talk! Thank you for sharing!

Love it! Only problem is there r so many ppl that need to become aware of this subject, but even if they heard it, would still be in denial. How do u reach these kind of ppl?

Being genuine in our giving. Receiving with a vulnerable heart. Refill

I am grateful for this nuturing and empowering talk ♡