Defending Through Blame - L,L,&L W/ Glenn Ambrose

In this episode I discuss the blame game. Many relationships are damaged through blame instead of understanding an compassion. When we stop looking to blame others and begin looking to understand them, we can often see what the real problem is quite easily and fix it. This is a large problem in society as well as personal relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to Life, Lessons, And Laughter with your host, Glenn Ambrose. Hello everybody. Welcome to the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. So today I want to talk about us defending ourselves through blame. And this is a version of don't take things personally. If you've read The Four Agreements, You know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, Great, Easy read book, Extremely profound. And one of the four agreements is don't take things personally. I think this is heightened. And it's become societally acceptable to take everything personally and to blame more so than ever. And I think that that's a kind of a repercussion of what's going on in the world. There's lots of things transpiring in the world that a lot of us don't like. And a lot of us are, Or I shouldn't say a lot of us, A lot of people are pointing the finger and blaming and then, And that's good. It's, You know, We feel like we're doing something. We're on the right side because they're the bad ones, You know, So we're okay. The problem isn't us and we're good and we're on the side of good. So then we can sleep at night and we can feel okay. And then, You know, We point the finger at the bad and go, Okay, That's bad. I'm good. All right. And we get our ego stroke out of it and we feel a little bit better about ourselves. And it makes us feel calmer about what's going on because it's not us, It's them, Right? So that's ego identity. Ego creates separation, Right? So it just creates separation, You know, Spirituality, Love unifies. The ego separates. So that's, You know, It's very easy for us to see that, You know, When we're separating, This is actually an important point, Especially with what's going on in the world and in our own personal lives. When we are separating, You know, We're very high on separation right now because we're very ego driven as a society. So it's like, And we're learning how to set boundaries, Healthy boundaries with people now. So now that's the biggest thing. We just cut people out of our lives and no, They're not like us. So they must be toxic. So I'm going to get them out of my life. That's separation. Now, I'm not saying that we can't set healthy boundaries. I'm gigantic proponent of healthy boundaries. I live my life completely with the healthiest boundaries possible. I can't think of anybody that's in my life that's toxic because my boundaries are so good, But I do not go around cutting people out. They just automatically kind of fall away as I set my standards out of self love. See, When boundaries are formed out of self love, This is one of the reasons why people have problems with boundaries or either setting them, Holding them or going too far with them is because they're doing them out of frustration. You're bad, You're toxic, You can't be around me, You drain me, You're a jerk, You don't live the way that I want you to live. So I'm cutting you out of my life because I'm good and you're toxic. Like that's sheer ego, 100% ego. Please stop doing that. Set your boundaries out of self love, I just you're fine. I may or may not agree with the way you live your life or the way you make your decisions or even the way you treat other people. I may or may not agree with that, But you have the right to live your life however you want to live. I personally just don't allow that. So when I'm setting a boundary, Like if somebody's yelling at me, You know, I've said this before, I don't do well with people yelling at me. So that's a hard no for me. So it's just like, No. I don't do well with people yelling at me, I don't function that way. It's just not going to happen. So I need to end this. And it's about me. I don't like people yelling at me. I'm not going to have this happening in my world. I'm going to leave, I'm going to get myself out of a situation, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Self love, Self love, Self love. This is just something that I will not have in my life. So so. But it's about me, It's not about them. Right. This is kind of the crux of what I'm talking about here, We're blaming and pointing the finger at everybody else so we can see this in our in our relationships, You know, At work and families, In romantic partnerships, All I've said this before, Like relationships are basically relationships. They're more alike than they are different. Like your like a lot of people, If you say, Oh, Well, You know, Your your romantic relationship is completely different than your work relationship. No, It's not. I mean, If you look at the at the top and you're like, Well, I make love with this person, I don't make love with my boss. Well, No kidding, Man. No kidding. And that's different. But that surface underneath the thing that actually makes the relationship healthy or unhealthy is the same. And that is respect, Honesty. If you don't if you have no if there's no mutual respect in a relationship, It's not going to be healthy. And that that means, You know, That's in a romantic partnership or at work, Like there has to be mutual respect. On some level, You know, Even if your boss doesn't necessarily particularly respect you as a person. Per se, If they're just human enough. To not crap on you on a regular basis and put you down, Then. You know, Who cares, It's like your relationship doesn't have to get really close like it does in a romantic. But there has to be some level of respect there, You know, Enough respect to not get yelled at every day, You know. So. We have to learn to not take things personally and, You know, How this plays out that very, Very often is we take things personally and then we attack, We blame because we're defending ourselves. So a lot of times you'll see this happen with friends and family and like I said, All relationship dynamics. But. Perhaps some of you can relate to this with friends and family a little bit more. So let's say, You know, You're you're living your life and, You know, This can look a lot of different ways, I'll see if I can give a few examples. You're living your life and, You know, You run into a friend or something or they reach out to you and you say, Hey, We need to stay in touch, We need to stay in touch. And then and yeah, Yeah, I know, You know, I want to stay in touch, Too. And and people say that, But they never do it and all this stuff. And and then then you go, Oh, OK, So, Yeah, We're going to stay in touch and I'll message you and you message me and we'll we'll put in the effort. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. And then one person doesn't do it right now. The other person has a tendency to feel hurt. I'm not saying this is the appropriate response, But most often the the one person that keeps reaching out and the other person that's not reaching back, They agreed to do this. And then, You know, The person that's always reaching out is like, Man, They said they were going to reach out and they don't. And this really hurts my feelings. And they put it all on me. And and we start feeling we start feeling victimized. Right. And so then we start defending. So then we start going, Oh, They must be bad. They are a liar because they said they were going to keep in touch and they're not. They are two faced. They don't actually like me. They don't actually care about me. And we start projecting all these ideas onto this person because we're hurt. Right now, Most of the time, None of those things are true. Like what? Why? Like like why would somebody that you hadn't seen in a while and they got all excited to see you and you were talking back and forth and then now they're just not following through with something. And the reason is, Is because they hate you and they're a bad person. Suddenly. Like, I doubt it. They probably, You know, Everybody's busy in life. Everybody gets caught up in their own life. Like, I mean, I've had this situation happen to me many times. And sometimes it's me falling short of of staying in contact with somebody, Even though my intention is to. And then sometimes it's the other person. Most of the time, It's both of us. I think I reach out a little bit more than most. But if I whether I do it, Whether I don't, It doesn't matter for this conversation. You know, It's just. It's nobody's fault, Right? Like, I mean, Sure, In a perfect world, We're all going to follow through with everything that we say. But everybody's so damn busy nowadays, Man. If you're not busy, Then you're beating the crap out of yourself for being lazy. Like, It's it's just like you society. It's like we have to be moving at 180 miles an hour or else there's something wrong with us. We're ashamed if somebody is like if we're just sitting out on a bench somewhere and somebody comes up and says, Hey. Oh, Yeah, I just had 30 seconds to grab lunch and I saw you sitting over here. What are you doing? Like nobody is. Oh, I'm nothing. Just relaxing. No, Usually it's like, Oh, Well, I had 15 minutes and I haven't stopped in 32 days. So I figured I'd sit here and just but I'm going to have to get going in a minute because I have 32000 things I need to do. Like this is it's very important for a sense of self to feel like we're busy. And this is how society goes. So and we are very busy way, Way, Way too busy. So. This is often the reason why people don't follow through. They've got a bunch of things going on. It falls off their radar, Whatever, You know. But my point is, Is. We feel hurt about something. And then through us feeling hurt, We we feel that we need to defend ourselves. Right, Because because it starts hitting at our self-esteem, Our mind starts perceiving these, Oh, Well, Like there must be something wrong with me. That's why they don't like me, Or that's why they didn't follow through, Or that's why they're upset with me. Or that's why that's why that's why. And then so and so what do we do? Well, We don't like to feel that we're bad people. This is a big part of the spiritual shift that's happening. People cannot stand to think that they might be a bad person in any way, Shape or form. I mean, That's been going on for a long time, And we've gotten better and better at rationalizing. But now it's like a societal disease. Like we have to we cannot feel like we're a bad person in any way, Shape or form. So we're constantly attacking and defending to try to increase our sense of self and think of ourselves as a good person and which enhances our egoic identity, Which causes more separation, Which denies more unity. Which is why we are so individualized out here in society, Which is why communities are dying. We're just too busy being busy and blaming and attacking one another and cutting each other out of our lives instead of trying to learn how to get along. You know, So this this happens in families a lot now, And I think that that's heightened right now because of like one way to say is the world is shrinking like nowadays with the Internet, Especially. And COVID boosted this, Too, For more people I can work from home like we're more isolated than ever, Right? We don't go to work. We don't associate with other people. We've lived next door to people for 10 years, And we don't even know what their name is like. There's no sense of community anymore. We're very individualized, Very protective, Very scared of outsiders and all this stuff. It's it's, You know, It's a it's a problem how individualized we are. So where so with with family being spread out, You know, Like, I think that this happens more because like, You know, Like when I was a kid, We went over and saw my my grandparents every weekend after church. You know, When I was little. Lots of families here in the DR, You have multiple generations living in the same house. You know, You've got the grandparents, The parents, The kids, The grandchildren, Like you got four generations living in the same house sometimes like so like there's more community here. There's more. So back in the old days, People weren't, You know, Most people, The majority of people just lived the entire their entire lives generationally in the town that they grew up in or very close to, Whereas people are all over, Not only all over the country in the United States, But all over the world, You know, Like digital nomads are getting more and more popular. So you might have. Two kids. And they're in different parts of the country or the world, Or you might have five kids and they're in five different places around the world. So it's like so that separation can heighten this, You know, Not only from from your kids, But your friends. I mean, Like, I mean, I know that I'm in the DR, But but like when I go back to Massachusetts, Like the I believe the majority of people that I grew up with no longer live in our hometown. I mean, I shouldn't say it that way. The majority of my friends, The majority of people that I knew well on an individual basis, Not everybody I grew up with necessarily, But the majority of the people that that were close to me that were friends. Very few of them live in my hometown. Some of them do. But before everybody did or the majority did. Right. So we're separated more now than ever. Or when something difficult happens, You know, So then that opens the door for more judgment. You know that that people start projecting things on to us. So I'm kind of coming at this like you can come at it two ways, Right? You can come at it from. The people are, You know, The people are blaming you for things and they are the ones that are defending themselves through blame like you can come at it from that. But I don't find it very useful. Like if you pay attention to the theme of my podcast, Like I don't like the victim mentality. It's foundational. We're not going to grow as long as we are victims of other people. It's not going to happen, Period. Like, You know, That's like stage one of getting out of going on your spiritual path is getting out of that victim mentality. So if I were to do this podcast and say, Oh, Yeah, You know how your. Your brother or sister or family member called you a jerk, That's because they felt hurt and they're being defensive and now they're blaming you. Like more people would probably be like, Wow, Glenn, I see what you're saying. Yeah, They're they're idiots for doing that. That's not going to help the world, OK? That's not going to help society, Because all I did is I just showed you what was wrong with somebody else. And it's true that they're doing it, But it doesn't help the situation. All it does is it reinforces your ego. You're like, Yeah, They're the problem. I'm just this innocent victim over here. That doesn't help anything because you can't change them. And the only thing that's going to make this world a better place is change. So all I did was just reinforce your ego and allowed you gave you the more ammunition to blame other people for a problem. And you're missing the whole point that you're actually doing it, Too. And you can change you. You can change you. So I don't want to come at it from now because it's kind of like saying you're their victim and they're the problem. No, You're doing it. Look for the ways that you're doing it in your life because those you can change that now by proxy. Do you get a better understanding of why other people might be upset with you or attacking you or something like that? Sure. Once you understand yourself and you heal yourself and you're doing the work on yourself, Then you land in this different energy. Like one, You make situations better because you're not doing it right. And that makes more relationships healthy. It brings more love into this world. It helps. So that's one benefit. Right. And it's a huge benefit. And then also, When you're no longer taking things personally and you learn to navigate this internally within yourself and you see other people doing it, You don't blame them. You don't point the finger at them and say, Yeah, They're the problem. Instead, You go, Oh, I understand why they feel like that. I understand what they're doing. I used to do that, Too. And I've learned to work through it. So one, You won't take it personally because you'll understand that it's not personal. So why would you take it personally? You can only truly do that when you do the work on yourself. When you're confident in yourself, When your self love has risen, When you've done this work on yourself, Then you don't have to try to go from victim mentality to non victim mentality. You're automatically a non victim mentality. Through understanding and compassion, You automatically have understanding for them. You automatically have compassion for them, Even though they're doing something that's a little dysfunctional. You have understanding and compassion. You don't hold it against them automatically because you've done the work on yourself. So you don't have to defend yourself from them because, You know, It's a load of BS anyway. It's not real. But you've got to do the work on yourself first. See, This is why everything is us working on ourselves. Everything is us working on ourselves. Let me grab your attention for a moment. Everything is us working on ourselves. Everything. Everything in our lives is us working on ourselves. This is how you create a better you. This is how you create better friends. This is how you create a healthier dynamic in your family, Personal relationships. This is how it mushrooms out into society. When you are a better you. You never, Ever, Ever, Ever make society better by pointing the finger and blaming somebody else. That does nothing. All it does is it brings more hate into this world. They're the problem. They're a jerk. They're bad. If everybody was more like me, This is what you're saying unconsciously, Even if you're not saying it out loud. If everybody was more like me, Then the world would be a better place. And I'm fine. They're bad. Okay, That does nothing because one, It's not introspective. So you don't work on yourself because you're not the problem. And two, It pushes the blame out other people and you're throwing toxic energy out into the world. They're bad, Justified anger, Justified frustration that so you're just putting bad hatred and anger and frustration out into the world, Oozing off of you, Lifting yourself up, Making yourself feel better about yourself because you're not them. And you think that we're going to live in a better world because of that. Nobody, You're just oozing frustration and anger doesn't do anything. So this is why I'm coming at it. And if you listen to my podcast, I basically come at everything from this angle. What's wrong with the way that I'm functioning so I can shift my world? And then by proxy, We're not taking things personally. We're not harboring resentments. And then all of a sudden we're emanating more love. And now instead of emanating anger and frustration, We're emanating love. So therefore we're better. We're happier. Our experience in life is better and happier. That's a win right there. That's enough reason to do the work on yourself. But you're also emanating love out to the world. That's another reason. Okay, Great byproduct. You don't have to try to do it. It just automatically happens. Wow, What a beautiful bonus now. Plus you start handling things differently with other people. And because you're handling them differently in more of a healthy way through understanding and compassion instead of blame and pointing the finger. Now all of a sudden they feel the love and they feel the acceptance. And now all of a sudden, Often their behavior starts shifting a little. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. Quite honestly, Most of the time it does at least probably 75% of the time. If you take care of yourself, The way other people interact with you start shifting just all on its own. You don't have to make it. In fact, You don't want to try to make it. If you do work on yourself to try to get other people to treat you differently, It's not going to work because you're not actually doing the work on yourself. You're lying, Pretending and manipulating or attempting to manipulate the universe or God into thinking that you're doing the work on yourself when all you're trying to do is control external things that have nothing to do with you, Which we cannot do. We can't control external situations. We can't control people, Places and things. So outside of us, We can only control ourselves. So if we're doing this work, Oh, I'm going to pretend that I'm love and we won't say it that way in our head. We'll rationalize it. I know because I've done it many years ago. I'm trying to take the high road and be this wonderful person. And it wasn't working and it wasn't working. And then countless times of me doing this. Finally, I kept diving within and going deeper. And all of a sudden I found like, Wait, I'm just trying to manipulate the external circumstance here. I'm trying to get them to behave different through my behavior, Through pretending that I've changed. How warped is that? I'm lying to myself. And trying to manipulate energy like I'm like, I'm more intelligent, Like I can. I'm more intelligent than the universe. I'm smarter than God. I'm going to outwit the laws of the universe. I'm going to outwit God. I don't think so. It's not going to work. So you've got to be careful about that. You've got to do the work on yourself. You cannot do the work to try to change other people. Focus on yourself. Get lost in doing the work. And then all of a sudden, A little byproduct is people will start changing the way they interact with you. But don't worry about that. Forget I even said it. So do it for you. Okay. So when somebody, You know, You can't show up to a family event, You know, Because you don't live nearby and it's this big project or your kids got something going on or whatever, You know, Like I'm using that as an example, Because the fact is, Is when we have when we're raising our children, And that's about the same time, Usually, We're really responsible with our lives, Right? So like, We're trying to make a lot of money, Perhaps start and build a business, Right? Why? Because, Well, We have this family to take care of now. And, You know, So when we're in that stage of raising a family and working, Whether it be for somebody else or for yourself, That's like the busiest stage of our life. Most, I mean, You know, Of course, We need to try to balance it and not go crazy and do self care and take care of ourselves. But even doing that, Like I did that to the best of my ability, And it was still the busiest stage of my life. So there's just a lot going on. So this is when that stuff is most likely to happen, Although it can happen at any stage in our life. So, You know, You can't go to a family event or something, And then some siblings or relatives get upset with you because you can't go. You're like, Oh, Well, Now they're they let's look at the dynamic, Like they're upset because you can't go. Okay, Why? Why are they upset? Well, Because they love you, Consider you part of the family, And since it's a family event, They want you to be there. And the fact that you're not going, They're taking it personally. So they're thinking things like, Oh, Maybe they don't want to be part of this family. Maybe they don't love us anymore. Those types of thoughts are the things that are going through their mind. Oh, The rain's getting heavy. I got to pause this for a moment. Shut my windows. All right. And I even think I remembered where I was. So yeah, So they're feeling hurt because they're like, Maybe they don't want to be. You know, They don't want to hang out with the family. They don't love us anymore. So now they're feeling insecure, And this is making them feel uneasy and not particularly loved because they're taking it personally. So then they start lashing out at you. So this is the dynamic that I was talking about. So they attack us. You're selfish. You don't give a crap about the family, Whatever. And then you're over here going, Wait, That's not the case. I, Of course, I love you guys. I just this is a busy time in my life, And I have my life, Too. I thought you have your lives. I thought you wouldn't understand that I had my life. Like, It's not personal. I just have this other thing going on, And I can't go like it has nothing to do. But now we're feeling attacked, And we're like, Why are they yelling at me? Like, They can't possibly understand that I have stuff to do. So now we're her. Lighten this up a little bit. So now we're her. Our feelings are her, Because we're being attacked, And we're like, I'm not doing anything wrong, And we're looking, And we're like, I'm not doing anything wrong. But these people that say they love me are mad at me, And they're attacking me, But I'm not doing anything wrong. And see, We're always looking for blame. So it's like, Well, Okay, I look at what? No, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just living my life. I have to take care of my children. I have to like this. I just can't go. So I'm not doing anything wrong. So they must be jerks. Because they can't understand that I have a life. So you're a jerk. So do you see how this is what causes problems in relationships? Instead of trying to understand one another, We're just sitting there looking who to blame. Who do I blame? When we feel hurt, When we feel attacked, We attack back through our defense mechanisms. So somebody says something, You're not making the right choice. Well, And this bleeds into politics and everything else, All kinds of societal things. You're making the wrong choice. You voted for the wrong person. You're not going to this event. You didn't call me when you said you were going to call me. And you, You, You, You. My feeling, What's the problem of it all? The problem is that we're taking it personally. The problem is that we're making up some story about them being bad. And that's why they're doing things to us. Well, If they can't show up for a family event, Then they must be selfish. No, That's not, That's, They must not love us anymore. Do you see how we go to those types of things? Which is why? Like, Do you love them? Like, You know, What's interesting to me now is we do this so much in society, And it's actually absurd when you think about it. Because, Like, You know, I grew up in a family. Most of us have, Right? I grew up in a family, And I have one sister and two parents. And, You know, My father has passed now. But now, Like, When I was unconscious and drinking all the time, I made up all kinds of stupid stuff in my head. But once I woke up spiritually, I wasn't looking at them. I don't, I can't. I mean, I'm sure I get triggered, You know, Here and there, But it never lasted. Because, Like, I can't, I know my family loves me. And quite honestly, One of the main reasons that I know my family loves me is simply because I love them. And it would be weird for them not to love me. How the hell do you grow up? Now, You cannot like people. I mean, I happen to like my family, Too, Which is a blessing. But you can dislike people in your family, But you're still going to love them. It just is. Like, You're going to love them. And I mean, I understand that sometimes family members can be highly toxic, And you not really want to spend a lot of time with them. But even then, Even if somebody doesn't want to spend time with you because they think you're toxic. Like, It's just a lifestyle choice. You know, I mean, Like, I was on the other side of this. So I was the dysfunctional one. It was one of the first things my sponsor said to me. Because I remember I was at an AA meeting and people were talking about the family dynamics and how dysfunctional they were. Right. Which can come up a lot. You know, A lot of alcoholics and drug addicts come from families of alcoholics and drug addicts, Partially because it can be generational. Why am I not coming up with this word? Genetic. It can be passed down genetically. The predisposition can. But also the dysfunction in the household can lead towards it, Too. Right. So a lot of people were talking about how messed up their childhood and their families were. And I was like, I came from a really good family. Like, What does that say about me? Like, I must be the weakest person on the planet. Like, These people went through all these difficult childhoods. And like, I grew up in a freaking Brady bunch, Leave it to beaver freaking household. And I couldn't even handle that. I ended up an alcoholic because I couldn't even handle a good freaking life. I'm like, What is wrong with me? You know, My sponsor was like, Your house wasn't dysfunctional. And I'm like, No. And he goes, Were you in it? I'm like, Yeah. And my brain was pretty fried at the time. You know, I was just getting sober. So it would take me a few minutes. I'm like, Yeah, I was in my family. Of course, I was in my family. Why would he ask that? Am I in my family? We're talking about dysfunction. Oh, I think he's saying that I was the dysfunction. I'd look at him and go like, Oh, Yeah. Yeah, I was a dysfunctional one. Right. So now I would understand if my parents or the rest. I would understand if anybody didn't want to spend time with me because I was dysfunctional. And even on an unconscious level, There was a part of me that knew that. Right. I was doing the best that I could. But there was a part of me that knew that I was choosing a life that was not in alignment with the lives that they were choosing. I felt I didn't have a choice. But I digress. I just knew that I wasn't living. So if they didn't want to spend time with me, I was too self absorbed. I didn't want to spend time with them. I didn't want to spend time with anybody that was really good people because they made me feel like crap about myself on an unconscious level. Didn't understand that then. But my point is, I was the dysfunctional one, And I wasn't pointing the finger at them. Sometimes I did some stuff right. And this is something I did right. I didn't point the finger at them and go like, Oh, They just don't want to spend time with me because they hate me and there's something wrong with them. Like, I never went down that road. You know, I mean, I blame them for stuff when I needed to continue my drinking and my poor behavior to rationalize it. You know, I mean, When I was drunk, I was completely out of my mind. In most aspects, I was the literal opposite of who I am now. Yeah. So, Like, I mean, Of course, If I needed to separate myself from them, I would just wait for somebody to say something that pissed me off, And then I'd use that as an excuse to get away from them. So I was I did do my own version of that, You know, Blame them. Oh, They're jerks. They don't understand me. I did do that every once in a while to pull away and spend less time with them because yeah, I just felt my skin crawling when I was around them because like I knew when they looked at me, All I saw was pity and shame. Because they knew I was making poor choices, They knew that I was capable of being a good person and living a good life, And I was making choices that weren't in alignment to that. You know, So I could feel that disgust when they looked at me. And I knew somewhere deep inside that I was a good person. So to be around them, It was like this mirror going, Glenn, Look at what you're doing. And I couldn't stand that, You know, So I had to get away. But my my point is, Is it's this we personalize things, Right? And then we feel hurt. So then we have to do something with that. And instead of going within. And dealing with it in a healthy way. We defend ourselves through blame. Blaming somebody else. They're the bad one. They don't understand me. And all it is, Is two people that want to love one another, They want to feel the love. So this is something we can get better at. Right? So I mean, Hopefully you guys understand the dynamic. And, You know, So how, How can we behave differently? Well, If you're sitting there, And you, You know, You know, You have nothing against this person. And, You know, It's nothing personal. And all of a sudden, They start attacking you. Well, Why would they be attacking you? Well, Oh, They must hate me. Like, Why, Why, Why would they suddenly hate you? Like, Do you suddenly hate people? Are you like, Do you walk through your life? And then all of a sudden, Somebody says, Well, Hey, You know, I'd love to come to your party. But I can't because I have something going on. And you go, Oh, My God, I hate that person. I don't even want them in my life anymore. Like, If you're doing that, Please stop. But as a general rule, More self reflective people that are listening to this podcast are going to try not to do that. Hopefully, Like I said, If you are, Stop it. But hopefully, If somebody can't come to something, You're going to be like, Oh, Well, They have things going on in their life. That's all that's all. It just it's not a personal attack on you because they can't show up. And the opposite is true. So if if you can't show up right somewhere and somebody gets mad at you for that and starts attacking you for that, Please take a moment and understand that they are not attacking you. Think a little deeper. They are not attacking you because you can't show up to an event. That's what it looks like on the surface. And that's where we sit. And this is why there's so much dysfunction, Because nobody thinks one level deeper. They just so surface. They yelled at me. And the only reason and I just said I couldn't go and then they yelled at me. So therefore, That's the only information that I'm going to look at. Well, That that's not going to explain what's going on. Because it doesn't make sense. So you go, I said, I can go. They yelled at me. Now my feelings are hurt because they yelled at me. Now I'm mad at them because they're a jerk, Because they yell at people when they don't get what they want. Oh, OK, Well, With that simple little rule, Every time anybody disagrees about anything ever or gets triggered in any way or gets irritated or behaves slightly inappropriately in any way whatsoever, We can just cut them out of our lives and say that they must hate us. Well, That that that seems to be a good policy to live life. You should be alone within 10 years, Probably five. Because you're just creating your own prison. You'll just cut everybody out of your life instead of trying to understand where they're coming from. So if we start trying to understand where people are coming from and we go, Oh, OK, I've known this person for 50 years. I've loved them for 50 years. Now all of a sudden they're attacking me. There must be a reason why they're attacking me. That's a little bit bigger than me not showing up to their little event. Maybe, Oh, Maybe just maybe the idea that I can't go to their event hurts their feelings because they do love me and it's they're feeling unloved. They're feeling not special. They're feeling like I don't care for them because I'm not going to their event. Now, That's not true. It's just how they're interpreting it. They're interpreting the fact that I can't go to their event as. I don't care about them anymore. OK, Well, Their feelings are hurt. That's why they're attacking me. That's why they're blaming me. Oh, OK, Well, I'll deal with that. I'm going to let them know. Hey, You know what? I love you very much and I really feel bad that I can't attend this event. It's just the timing is off and I can't change the other thing because I'm not in charge of the time schedule for the other thing and I have to be there. So what I'm going to so like I'm sorry that I can't. But this is no reflection on you. I love you very much and I want us to stay close and have a good relationship. So what can we set up a time to get together on a different day? Since I'm not able to make this one. Because my goal is to stay in contact with you. Do you see how when you enter situations with love instead of frustration, Things go better? This is what we need to do. So the next time somebody is attacking you, Slow down and think about why they're attacking you instead of just trying to defend yourself and blaming them. That's what most people do. Somebody. I can't believe you're not coming. What? Oh, My God. Oh, My God. Must be they think I'm a bad. They're calling me a bad person. I don't think I'm a bad person. Am I a bad person? No, I have no other choice. I have to go to this thing. Oh, Well, If I'm not the bad person. The name must be the bad person. Because there's got to be a bad person in here somewhere. There's got to be somebody to blame. And it's not me because I don't have control. I can't make that. But they're blaming me. So they're unreasonable, And they don't care about anybody but themselves. And screw that. Do you see? This is what we do too often. When we feel attacked, We start to defend, And then we push blame onto somebody else. So we don't feel like a bad person. And most of the time, Neither side is a bad person. I mean, There's other types of attacking, Of course. If somebody is attacking you, And they're vicious, They are a bad person. Well, Nobody's really a bad person deep down. And we've all got God within us. But they're behaving poorly because they're confused and lost at the particular moment. Whatever. That's fine. You don't even have to take that personally. And you don't even have to blame them in those situations. You can just look at them and be like, Okay, Am I doing anything wrong? No, I'm not. Okay, Well, I'll try to explain it to them out of love. And when you try to explain things out of love, It's not so that they understand. It's to give them the opportunity to understand if they so choose to. You're not trying to control an outcome. You just say, Hey, No, I'm not avoiding you because I still love you. I just can't do this. Well, Screw you. Okay. They're feeling hurt, And they're defending themselves. It's okay. Just don't take it personally. They're lashing out, Especially dysfunctional people. They lash out because of what we just said because of this dynamic. So if you understand they're feeling hurt, And they're lashing out at me to make me the problem. Okay, Well, I know I'm not the problem. So this is a foundational piece of this is we have to understand that nobody can stop us from being us. Nobody can turn us into somebody else. We don't really have to defend ourselves. It's okay. It's okay that people think other things of us. It's all right. It doesn't mean we are them. It doesn't mean we're bad people. Just because somebody says you're a bad person, You can let them have that opinion. And if they're so hate filled or lost that that's how they walk through life, Then you're probably better off not having them in your life at that particular moment. Anyway, It's okay. Let them think you're a jerk. It's like an asshole repellent. You know, If I'm behaving in a way that I feel is foundationally love based and okay and good, And I'm not doing anything wrong once I reflect and look at it, And somebody else feels that like I'm a jerk and calls me one or whatever, I'm fine with that. It's okay. They have the right to their opinion. They can think I'm a jerk. In fact, It's a wonderful asshole repellent because now they have a reason to not hang out with me, Which is good because I don't really want somebody that's confused and caught up in victim mentality and blaming other people all the time hanging out with me. I don't need that in my life, But I don't need to cut them out of my life. Most of the time, If somebody is coming into your world and causing all kinds of havoc, Then that's fine. You might have to set a firm boundary and cut them out of your life. I'm saying probably 90% of the time people cut other people out of their lives. It's completely unnecessary. We have to do it way, Way, Way less than we actually do. Most of the time, If somebody is really dysfunctional or toxic and you just stand in peace and love, It's like oil and water. They can't stand being around you, So they'll create space all on their own. Let them. It's one of the reasons why I don't have a bunch of toxic people in my life. It's not because I'm cutting them out of my life. It's just because I'm living peaceful and love based, And they can't stand that. They don't like that. What fun is that? They don't look at life like that, So they don't like being around me. That's okay. In fact, It's wonderful. It's so empowering to give everybody else the right to live their life the way they want to live their life and judge you and point the finger at you. It's fine. Go ahead. It doesn't change who I am. I'm still me. I'm still self reflecting. If I see a problem, I'll work on it, But I'm not going to take your opinion that I'm a jerk. Other people don't know what goes on inside of me and inside of my head. Why would I take their opinion on who I am as a person? So we got to stop taking things personally. We got to think a little bit deeper. We have to understand that most of the time people are attacking and blaming is because they're feeling hurt, And they're trying to defend themselves. There is no blame in these situations. It's just ignorance is to blame. People are ignorant of the reality of the situation. If somebody says, Oh, They're not coming to the family event because they don't give a crap about the family anymore. That's ignorance. That's them not understanding that you actually do care about the family, But you're not able to go. They don't understand that they are ignorant of that fact. So ignorance is to blame, Not the person. You know, In the Bible, It says we must get rid of the sin, Not the center. This is the spiritual principle that I'm talking about. We must get rid of the sin, Not the center. We have to get rid of the ignorance, Not the person who's behaving ignorant. To heal the situation, You see, So we don't look at somebody and go, Oh, You know, You're not looking at this correctly. Therefore, You're bad. Therefore, I'm cutting you out of my life. Therefore, I don't like you. Blah, Blah, Blah. No, That's blaming the center, Not the sin. And we're all centers inside. We all make mistakes. We all miss the mark. So instead of that, We go, Oh, Okay. Ignorance is the problem here. Ignorance is to blame. How do I heal the ignorance? Well, I could explain to them. If they're open enough to hear it, Hey, I do love you. This is no reflection on how much I care about you. I value the relationship between us. So let's set up some other time to talk or get together so that we can keep staying close in our relationship because it's very valuable to me. Oh, What does that do? It heals the ignorance. It heals the sin. Not the center. It heals the ignorance, Not the person. This is why we don't take things personally. All right. I think that's a good place to wrap it up. All right. Thank you for listening, Everybody. Hope that helps. If I can be of service, Reach out. Let me know. Talk with you later. And peace.