My name is Fabienne,
I am based in London in the UK and I am a self-worth coach working primarily with women around self-worth issues and love and I am also a teacher for Insight Timer which is like a meditation app and so I have one of my 10-day love courses on there and some interesting talks and meditations and things like that there too.
Awesome,
Very well,
Very well,
Very good,
Very good.
So now here's what we're gonna do guys,
We've changed the format of Rocket Fuel,
We're gonna make it 100% question and answer.
So as we go through,
If you have any questions feel free to type into the chat box any questions you may have and I have some questions to start us off with.
So we're gonna jump right into it.
So question number one,
Question number one is this,
What is self-worth?
I love this question,
So the way that I like to define self-worth is really your own sense of value or worth,
It's a deep belief.
So some people think that it's how you think about yourself or you know what your feelings are but it's actually your belief in your inherent value as a person.
Mmm,
Mmm,
Very good,
Very good.
Alright,
Question number two,
So how does low self-worth show up?
Well it shows up in many different ways and many different formats but more typically for people that maybe aren't really aware of low self-worth or they're not really sure if they have it,
It initially kind of comes in with things like this.
So you might be doing an activity or a hobby or something like that and it might come up like I can't do that or you know I can't make mistakes.
A real typical one is I really need to be perfect or seeking that perfection and a really really common one that I see in a lot of my clients is just that feeling of being unlovable or not good enough ultimately.
When you talk about seeking perfection is it that you know it's a fear of not being perfect?
Like talk about that,
That fear of self-worth.
Yeah that's something I experienced myself personally in the past where just needing to have that sense of control over things so I think it's more about that perspective so needing everything to be perfect,
Needing everything to be just so and to go a certain way because you can't bear the full the thought or the feeling of it going a different way.
So really it's about control more so than the actual element of perfection but people get caught up in the idea of perfection not recognizing that it's about control.
Wow that's a good point,
Good point.
I think about in my life when times in which I've been fearful you know to do things because of that fear of failure,
Fear of rejection and one thing that's helped me a lot is changing my definition of success and so for me my definition of success is that I did my very best regardless of what happened as long as I can honestly say that I did my best at that particular moment because you know our best at different moments is different right you know what I'm saying?
So like your best today is different than what my best was yesterday you know but if I can say that at that particular time that I honestly did my best then I am successful and that helps me to get rid of any type of shame about any mistakes because I just I'm just doing my best and really all of us are just doing our best.
What is your definition of success,
Fabian?
Oh well I love this and I'm glad that you brought this up because this is a huge piece when it comes to self-worth as well and usually what happens is when we start thinking about success we start thinking about all those things that are external to us and then we start thinking like and we start then comparing and we start saying oh well that person over there has this and so in order to be successful I guess I should be by the age of 30 married have two children have a really successful job earn at least six figures like we start like piling on all these like kind of shoulds that we think that we should have so for me a definition of success would be like what you've just said there around the piece around like doing your best so success would be waking up every day and aiming to achieve your very best and whatever that best looks like each day as you said it will be different from day to day but success should be getting up and vowing that you were going to do your very best that day and you're going to operate from your highest whatever that highest place happens to be.
That's excellent excellent and guys I want to open it up please type into the chat box what is your definition of success what is your definition of success and as people are doing that let me let's let's read what's going on in the chat box so Gary says or Karen okay yeah Gary says what is the difference okay here we go what is the difference between self-worth and self-esteem?
I knew that one was gonna come up this is a really this is a very common like thought where people don't understand they're like aren't they just like the same thing but self-esteem is like what happens to you kind of more outside of yourself like it might be more about confidence or it might be more about like kind of the way that you look so to speak it's more like focusing on those things self-worth is about your value it's about how you actually feel on the inside and recognizing that you are whole and that you are a worthy human being exactly as you are so with self-worth we don't have to do anything we are already worthy exactly as we are we were born whole and that is the way that it is with self-esteem it's more about like kind of some of those external things like oh I don't have enough confidence or starting a new job and feeling like you don't have the skill set for it things like that mmm that's excellent excellent now even with self-esteem what's interesting is that when we are evaluating ourselves and we're taking inventory of like our skills and competencies you know there's so much to consider and I feel as though a lot of times people tend to like focus a lot on their weaknesses and not really notice all the strengths that they have you know so in your life baby and have you had to deal with that when you're like kind of thinking about strengths and weaknesses and maybe you know putting too much time focusing on your weaknesses and not enough time appreciating your strengths oh absolutely so for the longest time I was focused on a belief or a thought that I was unlovable and that you know you could say like strength or weakness I felt that I was always constantly giving to others and I was loving others but I never felt that I loved that and so to me that felt as though I must be doing something wrong I'm just not lovable I must have some sort of a defect some sort of a weakness that people don't want to don't want to love me why doesn't anyone in a relationship want to love me and I really really felt that and I couldn't kind of understand why I felt that way or why that was kind of coming through and so I sort of perceived that as some sort of a weakness but what I didn't do is actually address the strength within that weakness and I think that's what a lot of people do so they see the thing that they kind of don't have and they go well I'm lacking here this is my weakness I don't I don't have this thing or I can't do this thing or I'm not good enough at that thing and instead of actually looking at it from the perspective of like okay yeah I can't do it they could look at it from a different perspective which is okay when you are looking at something in that way what does it then offer you so with me in a sense of like feeling unlovable it's like why do I feel like no one will love me in the capacity to which I have the ability to love someone and when I started to look at that weakness I was like it's not actually a weakness it's a strength that I'm willing to be vulnerable enough to put myself out there and to you know aim to love people and if people can't meet me back with that that isn't actually my issue that's their issue and so for me I started to recognize that I could you know really kind of I guess feel feel more positive about the situation because I had to remind myself in every single time that I put myself out there and I was made to feel unlovable that it was actually the other person projecting projecting their like kind of lack of feeling loved and it was not about me I was there offering up love and so therefore I was actually doing a good job at it and so I think yeah we don't always kind of put the positive spin on on our negatives and one other thing I would add and I'm trying to keep it short but sometimes hard I can talk to you so the other thing I would say is like if you do have weaknesses it's about creating a sense of self-acceptance towards those weaknesses so recognizing okay when it comes to love I'm ready to like put my heart on my sleeve go out there and be super super vulnerable and sometimes that gets me in trouble but you know what that is like a part of me and that's a part of who I am and I would be different if I wasn't doing that and so it's really cool to just kind of say you know what I see this and I accept it as it is I recommend from like a personal development personal kind of sense of self-awareness I would recommend that you know one of the things that you guys do today if you're listening is go away and build a list of ten things that you have as strengths and possibly ten things that you have as weaknesses and for each of those weaknesses you acknowledge it and you say I see this and I accept it as it is mmm Wow powerful but Fabian how do we balance self-acceptance with the motivation for self-improvement oh that's a good one so okay how do we balance it I think a lot of people probably jump more on the bandwagon towards self-development because they're like they find it again as like it's almost can sometimes start to become another ego trick it's like let me find something more outside of myself if I do all of this work if I jump on that found and if I do this if I do that if I do it all perfectly then I'm gonna feel good on the inside again so I would say a lot of people lean more potentially towards that element of self-help in order to kind of solve that feeling that they have on the inside but they sort of forget the element of self-acceptance and I think that's probably one of the most challenging things that people can give to themselves but it is actually a gift if you can give yourself the gift of self-acceptance and working on accepting yourself exactly as you are and recognizing this is who I am right now I may be doing self-development because I want to improve my person and I want to improve who I am then I'm gonna be getting somewhere so I would actually say focus on self-acceptance first and and team it with the self-development but that should be like 60% acceptance and sort of faulty on the self-development I love it I love it so so what I'm hearing you say is pretty much we should like love the life we have as we build the life we want you know like at the same time being able to to realize that we are perfect just the way we are but at the same time we want to continue to grow so that we can become the best versions of ourselves you know yeah but now maybe and tell me this is that what would you say I'm thinking about a particular situation where you have a guy who constantly gets rejected and and he feels as though um maybe females like him in the beginning but then they get turned off by his personality because you know they say that like a lot of women they like men who are funny you know have a personality a lot of women like men that can make them laugh and this particular guy he doesn't he doesn't have that type of natural sense of humor and everything and so he just feels a little um he feels a little like of a inferiority complex because he feels as though he's not charming enough to win a woman's heart and and I'm thinking that hey look I'm thinking that really what women want the most is someone who they can trust and someone who you know really loves them and is loyal and you know those type of characteristics but then again you know it does seem like you know women do want somebody that can make them laugh but so what would you say to a guy like that that's struggling with with that well I would say that it's interesting so first of all I would ask that person is that what they would like from a partner hmm because usually relationships and mirrors so potentially like if he's feeling like he has an issue like I'm not funny enough then maybe he's looking for someone that's funny or maybe it's a quality that he would actually like to have but doesn't have the second thing I would say is I I mean for me personally you know I like to laugh but funny was not definitely not on the top of my list for when I was looking for a partner so I would say it's not necessarily all about the humor and I think coming back to some of the qualities that you did mention around like loyalty and seen and being loved they would be among the kind of top top priorities in terms of what you would be looking for in a relationship and as well someone who with whom you can grow with I think is really important so knowing that if you're going to meet a partner you're gonna go through so many life experience it's recognizing that actually being funny is great but actually there's so many other things that you can offer that you know that potential partner so I would probably say as well what is he doing to showcase like those kind of other things that he has to offer so you know if funny is something that he can't he can't offer or that isn't really him then he doesn't need to be in authentic and try to be funny or try to go out of his way to do that what he can do is just really showcase the things that he is good at and someone will love him for those qualities because I really believe that there is a perfect kind of person out there for for all of us and sometimes there might even be more than one right potentially it's a very big world now we have a lot of people out there so there could be more choice than just the one potentially but I do think that yeah showing you know showing up as yourself being who you are and just being confident in that because I think that's what's attractive to to any person meeting someone and seeing like oh this person knows who they are and they feel confident about who they are I can feel confident about them wow I like that I like that that's awesome now let's jump into the chat box and see what people are saying in the chat box so let's see so we have um let's see okay so we have Karen it says Karen asks is it possible to find self-worth by looking at other positive examples so oh I get okay sorry can you read that again yeah so Karen says is it possible to find self-worth by looking at other positive examples okay so I'm gonna answer that question is the way that I've received it which I think which I think I've received it in the way that it was intended but if I haven't feel free to pop in the chat box if I if I don't quite clarify it yes I believe that it's possible to raise your self-worth by looking at positive examples so looking at other people that have raised their own self-worth or have done something positive but it's also really important to not get caught in the trap of looking too much outside of yourself for this self-worth really is an internal job so you know read up look into people that have had positive experiences have had things where they've moved through that sense of you know a lack of self-worth and use them as maybe someone that you can aspire to be like but remind yourself this isn't about a comparing process and sometimes when we have a low sense of self-worth it can be really easy to look at another person and start comparing the going oh well they've got this or what they've got that so just be careful there but yes I do think using positive examples is a great way to help raise your self work mm-hmm awesome now Gary asks I mean Gary says I love this success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal this means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person that's fine Earl Nightingale oh I see it goes back to his definition of success yeah very well said Gary and Karen asked for someone who doesn't think they were born whole is there a declaration or perspective they can adopt for every day yeah so I would you know I really love working with affirmations and I really love audio recording your own affirmations so it's something that I have recently been sharing my clients to do this and I would highly recommend so if you if you were born and from the moment that you were born you had a variety I'm just gonna kind of guess I'm gonna put it out there as an example potentially this is something that had happened to me so when I was born my life was was lovely but when I was 14 my dad left and that left a hole in my sense of self-worth or my sense of personal value because that made me feel unloved and I did everything I possibly could to kind of fill that hole up to fill that void I was shoving loads of different things in there but nothing ever kind of worked and so when we experience some kind of traumas in our lives where something you know abandonment maybe abandonment wounds or you know parents being emotionally unavailable to us maybe they're present but they're not there or parents like leaving it can be a variety of different things that obviously would be considered as a trauma when that happens that can you know really kind of throw us off and it can make us feel as though we were never we would never hold we were never never worthy and so the best way to work with that would be to I would recommend is create a series of affirmations that you feel work for you so don't try to if you feel like saying I am whole if that sounds really uncomfortable to you don't use that one yet find something else like I am learning to love myself I'm learning to believe that I'm worthy so start with something that feels like a stretch for you but that feels good for you and work with that kind of an affirmation and then build up to a place where you can say I am whole I am worthy I am valuable and if you couldn't look yourself in the mirror in the morning and do that then that's amazing sometimes that can be a little bit again too much of a stretch right off the bat but if you can't talk to yourself in the mirror that's an amazing way to do it the other way I like to do it is record audios so literally take your phone literally go into the audio recording settings press the button and record the audios that you want to believe about yourself when you then go wake up in the morning play that as the first thing you listen to your brain is gonna have like it's gonna have such an amazing effect on your brain because you are listening to yourself telling yourself who it is you want to become and who it is you want to be I love that I love that you know it makes me think about how we're focused goes energy flows you know and so the thing about the recording is that if we can have that recording it helps us to focus on the thoughts that we want to focus on the positive thoughts it helps us to be intentional about the thoughts that we choose to focus on you know they they say that around 60,
000 thoughts come through our minds each and every day you know and of course not all of those thoughts are positive and healthy thoughts and and so we have to be very very intentional about focusing on the positive thoughts so I love that idea about the recording you know it's just a great way to systematically kind of like program our minds to focus on the positive thoughts you know that's great and then speaking of affirmations I was thinking about how like in my life one of the affirmations that I often use I call it like one of my mantras in a way is um the affirmation that my adversity is my advantage to comfort and inspire others who are going through similar situations and that affirmation it really helps me to have a positive attitude towards these issues that I'm working through like one of the issues is like social anxiety sometimes I just feel like it's hard for me to connect and everything and and and all that but it's kind of like when when I think about how when I think about it from the perspective of you know what this is an advantage because there's a lot of other people who are struggling with similar situations and as I'm persevering through it as I'm growing and developing I can be an inspiration to them and and as I'm talking more openly about the issues that I face then I can inspire them because they can like you know see me and and and they can really relate to me and and my words my life experiences and my struggles can help them to feel like they're not alone I feel like a lot of times people feel like they're alone when they're going through struggles and I feel like like on social media a lot of times people tend to want to only show the good parts and not really show the struggles that they have and I understand that you know in terms of like business and and and PR you know you want to put forth your best face but at the same time I think that there's there's a lot of benefit for us to be very transparent about our whole journey because it helps people to realize that they're not alone Fabian in your coaching because I feel like there's a quote that says like something about like like some of the best healers are the wounded healers it's like you know the people that who have been wounded and they are now using their wounds as a tool to bring healing to other people and so in your experience as a coach have you found that your adversity is your advantage yeah but like 100% and I would always say you're the challenges and like the curriculum that life sets you things that you have to go through those are the things you have to teach about those are the things you have to share with the world that is your gift back to the world that you went through it you learned from it you understand it and therefore you can you can give back and so yeah in my coaching you know the things that I teach and the kind of things that I work on are you know healing from an abandonment wound like I understand what that felt like when my dad left I was very close to him so to me that was absolutely like heartbreaking life-shattering it took me a very very very long time to heal from it I am now in contact with my dad again which is absolutely crazy but again that relationship still has its challenges I may have forgive time I have acceptance I may have all of these things but then you're talking about a whole different set of issues in terms of okay now I need to learn to retrust this person again and now I need to figure out what they fit in my life so you know helping people to heal from these kinds of abandonment wounds that create that sense of like feeling unloved also you know working with people that have had any of these kinds of traumas in their in their life especially at a younger age this can sometimes create a insecure attachment style which will more than likely show up as like an avoidant attachment style or an anxious attachment style so I primarily also work with people that have these kinds of attachment styles whereby something in there in their childhood or earlier in their life has happened and it has created a sense of insecurity within them which is showing up in one of these kind of attachment styles so there's three attachment styles you either have a secure attachment style which does what it says on the tin basically you have a and about 50% of people are secure you have a anxious attachment style which means you are more than likely anxious in relationships you're usually really really wanting this other person to love you just so much and you want to give them all your love but usually like something's kind of going wrong there or the third one would be an avoidant so you really hold on to your sense of independence and you really really love that and you find it hard to be in intimate relationships because you're kind of playing top playing tug of war because you are like I want to be in but I also want my independence and there's kind of that kind of push and pull there so you know working with people on on attachment styles and working on working with people on their you know on their love story so helping them understand that potentially the things that have happened in their past they need to go through that and and heal from that in order to really move forward and to create these you know further like you know intimate relationships because the interesting thing with what happens and and this is one of the things I love to teach about is when a partner will like does show up in your life they are a mirror so anything that you did not have self-awareness of before or you were not conscious of is suddenly gonna be this close in your face and you are not going to be able to hide from it and you are not going to be able to run from it I spent a lot of my years running from those things once I got into a relationship it was so scary for me to be faced with those things to be faced with the fear that I had someone in front of me that would love me but that I was so afraid that one day they might leave because of what my dad did that to me it was easier to self sabotage the relationship and walk away myself and blame it all on them of course but it was easier for me to do that so that I didn't have to deal with the actual possibility of like having something that was completely uncomfortable for me so having a male love me because I didn't have that with my dad you know so I help I help my clients go through all of these different kind of things and yeah definitely those adversities I have had in my life like many foul romantic relationships but you know like I'm engaged now so it's you know it was all for something and the partner that I have now he he understands all of these things that I have been through and is able to work with me on the things that I have so I'm very grateful that I was able to call that type of partner into again help me to continuously heal throughout that Wow awesome awesome yeah congratulations on the engagement that's excellent that's excellent and so do you feel as though the past romantic relationships taught you things that helped you to lead you now to this great engagement yeah I think that I would not be in the position that I am right now unless I had been through those relationships and I think more than the relationships themselves it was about me doing the inner work so when I turned 30 I decided like this is it I am meeting my person I am NOT gonna be I'm not gonna do this whole whatever relationships thing anymore I'm going to have a serious committed you know life partner that is what I am looking for I'm ready for that I want that and I'm gonna I'm gonna work on calling that in and so I took basically an entire year out and I just dedicated myself to love and so I just went into it from an ego perspective because I was like I'm gonna find someone to love me and marry me basically that was kind of how I went into it and at the beginning I was sort of thinking about things from that perspective and I very quickly realized within a few weeks that okay that is not the journey that I am on the journey that I'm on is much more about learning how to really connect with myself and really connect with any of the wounds that I've had around love healing those wounds working through that but also recognizing that okay what kind of relationships have I been having before what's been showing up in those relationships what are the patterns in those relationships also looking at okay how do I see the world around me you know one of the things that I get people to do and it's in my 10-day course is I will say okay write down men are and journal off of that and see what comes through and so many people that do this exercise are just so surprised because a lot of negativity will come up the same if like if you know it same goes on the other hand women are and again a lot of negative thoughts will come up and then people go oh my goodness wow I didn't know that I felt that way and it's like exactly if you are writing down negative thoughts or you have like unconscious negative thoughts about the kind of partner that you're going to be attracting how can you then attract a partner if you believe bad things about that kind of person Wow that's deep so tell me this going back to the attachment style you call them attachment styles right attachment and you said it was one is secure anxious and avoidance now the avoidance one is that would this scenario fit into that let's say you have a guy that's an entrepreneur and is very passionate about their career and the thought of like a relationship kind of it makes them nervous because they feel as though the relationship might hinder their business does that fall into that avoidance that could possibly be someone feeling avoidant yeah and usually what we find so if you and it may not be because it depends like how how that person is right like they if you are able to give and receive love and you feel confident in your ability to give and receive love and like your previous relationship history has been you know kind of walking out well for you maybe you maybe you don't have a partner right now but maybe it's the case of the person is you know been able to like express love give love etc in past relationships then it may just be that they just have a concern around their business the avoidant attachment style would be more than likely showing up if there's been some kind of a history in the past so potentially around how they grew up as a child and maybe an incident that has happened from then that then makes them feel as though they can't be as like as deeply attached it's like a wall that they need to pop and what actually usually happens is anxious people and avoidant people usually attract each other and that creates a lot of pain for both parties because the avoidant one may be like this person you know they're an entrepreneur they're really into their business and things like that they will be like I need to protect my independence I need to focus on my business I don't really have time for this relationship but they're also kind of like the person so they'll be like I like you but I'm kind of in I'm kind of out so an avoidant person is usually someone that's got like one foot in the relationship and the other foot ready to walk out the door kind of thing an anxious person is probably put like kind of got everything in and they're just kind of like you know really desperate for you to love them and usually you will you'll feel that I I was I say was because I believe I'm much more in a secure place in terms of like my attachment style now but I was an anxious attachment style and have had some traits of avoidant attachment style also once I started to get more into a more committed relationship the avoidance started to show up where I again like to be like well my business is really important and this is really important I started to put these kind of roadblocks in the way of love because it was scary to to really put my heart out there and to have the possibility of it being broken or you know something wrong there Wow so as an entrepreneur though has it um has it been a little bit of a struggle balancing your relationship with your business I wouldn't say so no I think if you meet the right partner then they will be I really think if you have the right partner they will be understanding of what it is that you want to do I have always had a lot of support since day one with the work that I do and my partner he loves he loves what I do and he's a real advocate of it and he's very supportive of me and he enjoys that like I do this work and he also has his own work so he's really happy and I support him and what he does so we both we're both happy to kind of I guess trade off in that way like oh okay you've got this really big important thing coming up right now okay let's you know you do your thing you come back to me when you're free and ready and available but I'm gonna check in to let you know that I still you know that I'm still thinking of you and I'm here for you I'll let you do your thing so I think if you have the right relationship there will be as long as you as long as you put it out there that it's really important to you I think that that person you know most people are most people want to be understanding to their partners I don't think anyone enters into relationship and it's just like I don't want to understand you at all and I think if we're in the right partnership it's about actually you know a lifetime of learning who that person is and how they are and what's important to them and if you do that I mean that's really the way that you can lead a great relationship it's about understanding each other.
That's awesome awesome very well said excellent now let's jump into the chat box let's see um Perletta says self-acceptance is great to build upon to build on Gary Barzilay says that person is comparing himself to others rather than accepting who he is and working with what he has okay going back to that other scenario yeah Karen says someone will love him for who he is self-worth isn't helped by someone being inauthentic right okay so going back to your point Fabian about how he doesn't need to like start taking all these classes on how to be a comedian right?
Because remember like the last one I'm saying I don't I think I'm not I wasn't looking for a funny person so I'm looking for that my two sisters for example that's high up on their list but for me I was like I didn't even consider funny.
Right right right I see now Gary Pierre Lewis says I love it great points Fabian do you she has do you think a deep dive in the self-development journey eventually cures self-acceptance almost likened to self-acceptance being a sub chapter to self-development or are the two mutually exclusive?
Well I would say so I would say one of the things with self-development is it brings self awareness so the more that you're creating a sense of self-awareness the more that you're going to be aware of the things that are happening within you which should then breed self-acceptance so I wouldn't necessarily say that they are mutually exclusive but I would say that if you were on the path to self-development then that's that's brilliant and that is going to create that awareness within you just be conscious that you're also creating the the acceptance as well and giving that some attention because I don't know how much attention is put on that within the world it's definitely out there but I would I would say it's more about people would say self-love is like the bigger one or you know so just be conscious to like have that added in as part of the journey when you're on a self-development journey.
Very good yeah yeah and you know really when you think about self-care it you know our self-care should involve all of that it should involve accepting ourselves talking good to ourselves also our self-care should also involve a constant self-improvement you know right so yeah yeah very good now Gary Barzilay says I think our issues with self-worth and self-esteem are due to comparison I always think to myself if I was the only person in the world will I have issues with self-worth and self-esteem wow that's interesting how you had those comparisons but at the same time it's like the comparisons help us to in our self-improvement as well but it's a tricky thing right I mean not to compare to feel bad but to compare to be motivated and inspired you know right so I would say with that you know Lance I would love to just share like when it comes to comparison I think if we're thinking about comparison more often than not that would be coming from a place of like a negative place so you're feeling like I'm comparing myself so I'm looking at me versus another person but you're not comparing apples with apples unique individual human being and you are comparing yourself with another unique individual human being so you aren't comparing the same thing it would be impossible for you to sit there and look at another human being and say they have more than me there this than me there that than me because quite frankly we don't know what journey they have been on right that's true well that person's got all the money in the world well that's not fair but you don't know they might be suffering with like trauma from childhood they might be suffering with the fact that they don't feel lovable they might not have a romantic partner they might be having all this money and feeling awful about it and you're comparing I wish I had their life and they might not have a nice life so we can't we can't do that thing where we compare we can look to other people to aspire to to think that person is an inspiration and one thing I would really recommend is if you're on social media and things like that go go and like do a call and basically look at everyone that's coming up on your feet and if that person is not someone that inspires you someone that shows up and you think oh you get that twinge where you're like oh I wish I had that thing that that person had or I I wish I was like that and it's coming from a negative place stop following them you want to be following people that are sparking that feeling inside of you of inspiration of motivation that you feel as though that is something you can move towards if you're looking at people that aren't sparking that within you get with them I like it I like and you know you mentioned about comparing apples to apples and how like yeah it's silly to compare because we're all unique I was thinking about this is that like like like one of my spiritual beliefs is that God has a plan for each one of our lives and it's a unique plan and God gives us the exact tools that we need in order to achieve our specific God-given plan and so it's silly for us to try to compare our tools with someone else's tools because our God-given purpose is different than their God-given purpose you know and everything so yeah yeah no question for you you know and it's kind of a personal question but like in terms of like spirituality like like like like do you see like your purpose as being like a God-given purpose and like the resources you have being from God or you know yeah definitely so I think for me it's really interesting so I was raised until I was 10 as a Jehovah's Witness which is you know a religion that's you know around God and this kind of stuff and so I had a bit of a blockage in terms of like the word God even because I came out of that religion age 10 it was something that my my mom had been in and she kind of left it and after that sort of God wasn't really spoken about in our household and it was all about kind of the universe and it was more so from a spiritual perspective that we were kind of doing it but it wasn't necessarily from a God kind of driven word should we say and I think in my own personal like journey and just in my own kind of spiritual path the more that I've kind of delved and the more that I've looked to me you know I think that there's so many parts of it that can be looked into so for a while I was really looking into like you know I like Buddhism and you know like Taoism and like various different like practices like that from you know the East but then I started to recognize that actually you know for me it was about just being in alignment with you know whether I don't know what the answers necessarily are but I just need to make sure that I'm in alignment with my own sense of truth and it doesn't necessarily matter what names I'm giving those I definitely believe that there is something there that is higher than us that created us I don't believe that we just like I cannot believe that that yeah it does not work for me so there's definitely some higher consciousness that has created us and put us here on this planet and I absolutely believe that we will all put here with it and I really believe that life's purpose is about uncovering that gift what that gift is discovering it and then giving it back to the world yes amen that's awesome awesome and another thing about I guess our journeys is that none of us really know how much time we have left on our journey here right and so you know I think when we realize how life is so fragile especially now you know this pandemic going on and you know a lot of people you know losing their lives to kovat 19 and everything it even becomes even more real about how it's so important for us to really get that alignment and to really focus on doing what we've been put here to do and and to really live each day to the fullest because we don't know how many more days we have left you know you know I think you know for now I think that now is the time like wait anymore there is no waiting time anymore like if we look at the state of the world right now you know and and if you you know you I personally have been reading the Bible somewhat a little bit recently and just kind of getting curious about what's in there and it's like you look at revelations you know we don't we don't know what's coming next we don't know what what is the plan for the world and what will be you know our next step so we do need to wake up every day be grateful for the fact that we are here and aim to give for me I think it's about giving as much love as you can out to the world and making sure that each person that you come into contact with that you touch had a positive experience from being with you and so that's really I think at the very basic level if you know what your purpose is yet and you're like but I don't know what my purpose is and I can't find it so what should I do at the level be kind to everybody around you and give love to them even if you understand what they're going through but just do that and I think that's gonna be the best yes love that yes yeah now let's jump into the chat box again Gary bars Lee says the interesting thing is that we all have similar issues in life if we talk about it more it would help us see that we are not alone yeah very good point Karen says yeah social media can be deceiving with the influx of positive images I tend to be drawn to those who have a balanced display how do you feel about sharing the valley experiences on social media when they say valley experiences what do you know I'll clarify yeah okay so meaning valley so so there's mountaintop experiences which is like you know the glamour and then there's valley which is like like the negative stuff right okay so how do I feel about sharing that I think it's important I I'm I wouldn't necessarily say that I have ever gone on my social media and cried in the moment when I'm crying necessarily but I do think that it's important to showcase that you you aren't high all the time and I think one of the things I definitely do with my clients is I let them know that like hey I might be showing up and I might be here and I might be positive and motivated and I'm here to win you know help you move through your journey but just just know like I'm not I'm not like perfect and top of my game every single day every moment of every single day it takes work to feel good every day but we also have to recognize that we're humans and part of that human experience is having emotions and emotions are going to be different we're gonna have a variety of them and some of them are gonna feel good and some of them are gonna feel bad really good to recognize that so I think the people that are on social media I have a couple of people that I have on social media and I really love following them because they they do showcase those valley experiences and they will get on there and they will say hey I am NOT having a good day today and this is how I feel these are some of the things that I'm doing for myself to make myself feel better but you know what I'm still going throughout the day and it's still not getting any better and I love those people because they are really just showing up and and being themselves and kind of demystifying that piece where a lot of people just see like positive happy great stuff and it's like most people think I can't ever do that because I'm never happy and positive all the time but anyone that you see that is only ever positive and positive and happy I can guarantee you on the inside they have solved issues that they aren't working through powerful powerful yes now we have a comment from Jenna Doss does that ring a bell yeah okay so Jenna says sometimes when I experience a negative circumstance or even absorb something negative from the media or social media it can be difficult for me to not go down a negative spiral do you have any recommendations on how to catch myself when I do feel myself going down that negative spiral and change my perspective so I can bounce back quicker to being intentional about something positive yeah well I think this is a great question so first of all hi Jenna she's one of my clients and I think this is a great question and it's really really good and timely because of everything that is going on in the world right now right like we're constantly being inundated with a lot of negative things there's so much happening in the world right now so the first thing I would say I personally don't watch I don't I don't watch I don't read newspapers I don't watch the news it's something that I stopped doing probably getting on close to like eight to ten years now where I just don't do that and for me that was a massive way in which it stopped me having those negative spirals I wasn't seeing it anymore I was hearing about it maybe from friends or family and through word-of-mouth but I wasn't the one sitting there and actually actively consuming that negative information so for me that was a great way to put that block in between those negative things that were happening and that really really helped me I know that doesn't necessarily work for everyone but it really worked for me and a lot of the people that I know that have done that were like that was the best decision I ever made so if it's an option for you I would you know just say take it out of your life all together if you can if you can't remove it from your life all together and it is something that is going to be there what you want to get what you want to do is train the brain so that you can interrupt that pattern so it's about having the awareness maybe the first time you do it you won't have the awareness but it's but the way that you do it is you start to consume something negative right all of a sudden have that trigger thought hold on a second I'm reading something negative and you train your brain and then you do something which is gonna sound really funny but you sort of would just say elephants and then and then you're like wait a minute what am I doing elephants so you use a word that's like a completely unrelated word to trigger yourself to recognize that you were gonna go down a negative spiral and using that like that kind of like random word which is like totally unrelated you know like happy unicorns or something like this you know will basically stop the brain in its tracks from thinking about what it was so it interrupts the pan so that's the main key interrupt the pattern so that you can then move past it and create new patterns it will take a few tries of you doing that but if you can kind of get to it create the awareness when you start reading it and going down the spiral say the random word interrupt the pan and keep doing that repeatedly eventually you will stop that kind of spiraling I love that interrupt the pattern yes because really we can only really focus on one thing at a time and so we can interrupt the pattern with something you know silly you know saying it kind of will will will will change our focus you know and everything that's great that's great and you know thinking about thought patterns and how like a lot of our thought patterns are habitual you know and a lot of our thought patterns develop and it's kind of like you know we tend to kind of they talk about the neural pathways and how like our thought patterns become like automatic you know and everything right so yeah it's amazing as far as you're talking about we you know reprogramming our minds to develop new thought patterns that's excellent because the thing is our minds are gonna do stuff anyway right our minds are gonna create patterns anyway so we may as well create the ones that we actually want to be living and so I also do is around rewriting the script so when you're having these kinds of experiences where you're where you're you've you've remembered something from the past that wasn't good rewrite the experience create a new story like we are the stories that we tell ourselves and if we can stop telling ourselves those negative stories and start telling ourselves a revised refreshed version of the story we will feel better about it we will be able to heal the pain of the past but we need to do that through rewriting the script yeah that's awesome now Gary Pierre Lewis says interesting perspective on the partner being a mirror are there different levels or views of this mirror depending on the partner yeah definitely so it depends it there are levels to it because it depends how open you and your partner are to working through those experiences right if you kind of have never even realized that your partner is a mirror this isn't something new to you then you may have not have realized that when things show up it's an opportunity for them to be healed and resolved usually romantic relationships what happens is something comes up and it stirs something inside of us it triggers something maybe then that creates conflict in the relationship or some kind of a difference and what we do is we kind of just we don't necessarily work all of the way through it so it might you might be having conflict with your partner or a difference with your partner about I don't know something they're gonna wear to the wedding or something they're gonna you know wear for this really important like event you're going to right but the conflict isn't about that the conflict will be about something else and we need to get to the root of what the conflict is always so that mirror is yeah you and your partner showing up in front of each other having some kind of a disagreement or something happening and recognizing the person is shining lights on those dark parts of you that you have not yet healed so whenever some kind of conflict arises or something happens dig dig dig deep because the root of what you're talking about is not going to be what you're experiencing like right in that moment is gonna be something far deeper and some of the common things that I would say are showing that would show up in kind of romantic relationships is the imbalance between the masculine and feminine energies so more than likely in every relationship one person holds more of the masculine energy and one person holds more of the feminine energy that is not dependent on whether they are male or female right it's just what kind of energy you have inside of you so someone will be more primarily the masculine energy someone will be more primarily the feminine energy when the person that's in the feminine energy if they start getting into their masculine energy too much that will rock the boat in the relationship and create an imbalance and and put the person that's more primarily in their masculine into a funny position because that relationship is going to be kind of out of balance during that so that's one of the big ones that shows up the imbalance in the actual energies between you and then that's why I like sometimes stuff shows up and you're like having an argument or something and you think this is really weird why are we arguing about this thing and you realize it's not about what you're arguing about it's about the feeling of imbalance within the energies mm-hmm awesome awesome now Karen says going back to the whole thing about the news she said she stopped watching the news so often as well I only tune in about two days per week also Vivian Lothas does that okay so she commented she said I also stopped watching the news but some colleagues commented that it means ignorant and I'm closing my eyes to reality and I should know what is happening in the world any advice on this well I would just say they're talking to you and telling you what's happening in the world so you know what's happening in the world so you're not being you're not being ignorant it's a choice with every single thing that we do in our life it is a choice we get to choose we get to choose what we consume and quite frankly how can we necessarily believe everything that is put in front of us like we should be entitled and able to do our own research about what we consume and if that's gonna put you in a better mental health space then by all means I think you should take whatever actions are necessary to put yourself into a positive headspace basically so when you have colleagues that are saying that you could just respond to them and say you know I really recognize where you're coming from and I understand that but I have many people within my life that are sharing what is going on with the world and it's not that I am unaware or ignorant to what is going on in the world but it's that I'm choosing how I wish to consume that information very good very good awesome now we only have a couple minutes left so let's um let me run through the remaining comments here on the chat box I see so Karen says interrupt the pattern brilliant I just realized what elders were doing when they made up random words when reading or hammering some things right Gary Barzilay says regarding thought patterns with a negative okay with a negative thought turn it in to a funny movie and then it changes our need to focus on that negative thoughts awesome he says my wife is definitely the masculine one lol sometimes the sometimes the man is more in their feminine and sometimes the woman is more in their masculine and but as long as there's the balance you know then it then it works so that's right yeah so Fabian wow this hour just flew by so quickly it's amazing amazing you're so insightful that's awesome so unfortunately we have to end but I look forward to doing more collaborations with you Fabian but before we end two things two things number one is I'll love for you to just to share some um your like closing remarks and everything I know that you know that there's that illustration from your coaching sessions that I really love and so maybe you can slip that in too and in during your closing remarks and then also we want you to give us like a final question that you want us to respond to in the Facebook group and by the way for those of you that are new to the show we have a fake a private Facebook group called the fans of rocket fuel webinar series and so you can look it up on Facebook and you can join the Facebook with so baby is going to end with a few more insights and then she's gonna give us that question yeah definitely so firstly I want to say thank you to all the people because in the UK it's kind of late here so I'm seeing a lot of UK people here so that's amazing thank you so much for joining and then finally for some of the US people I think this is perfect time for them so it's been it's been amazing I will leave you with the cup because I know Lance you like this one so basically when we think about our lives right we can think about it from a perspective of a cup right I'm holding this cup what does it have in it water exactly right so within the cup there's water now say I'm walking along so I jump up after this session and I take my water and I go to walk to another room and I get tripped up what's gonna pour out of that cup water yeah if I had coffee in the cup coffee would pour out if I had tea in the cup tea would pour out if I had juice in the cup juice would pop out so we can use this as like a metaphor for our own selves right whatever you are putting inside your own internal cup is gonna be what pours out when life trips you up so it's super important to be aware of what you're putting in and what is in there so do you have residues of you know anger and frustration and hurt from past relationship is that what's gonna spill out when you meet your partner in conflict or are you consciously and and and actively putting love and joy and happiness and trust and these positive attributes into your cup so that when you meet your partner in conflict those would be the things that come out the patience and the positivity so really important to think about that and as a I guess as a as a question to leave us on what I will actually say is what are you actively putting into your cup today
