Communicating With Compassion: In Conversation With Fabienne

Join Fabienne in this conversation about Communicating with Compassion. Fabienne explains why although we seem to have all the tools these days, communication is still challenging, and how we can get good at communicating with just a few simple steps.

Transcript

Hello, And welcome to In Conversation with me, Fabienne Sandoval, Life coach, Author, And speaker. I talk way too much, So I thought I'd put that skill to use by sharing with you this series of conversations designed to expound your awareness and knowledge of becoming secure and empowered in your self-worth. Meet Sam, My OBM, Wing woman, And literal can't live without. We tried to break up once and it didn't work. I'll be here to ask the juicy questions and help extract some of these powerful insights from Fabienne. So let's begin. And today we're gonna be talking about communicating with compassion. So I think my first question would be, How do you communicate with compassion? Quite a simple question. Yeah, That's a great question. In the day and age that we live in now, That we have so much access to so much information, But that doesn't necessarily mean that that has made us great communicators. And so a lot of the time when I'm coaching clients, One of the biggest things that comes up is people wanting to say the thing that they wanna say and having no idea how to communicate themselves or how to express themselves in a way that is done with compassion. A lot of the time what I find is like, Especially, So in a previous episode, We talked about boundaries, Right? And how do we do that? One of the major elements is the way that we communicate the boundary is like the most important thing, You know? So when we're talking about communicating with compassion, What we're really saying is like, Really truly having consideration around our communication, For example, Okay, I need to communicate with my partner and they've just come home from a really hard day and they're really stressed and the thing I'm gonna talk to them about is really big. Maybe it's not the perfect moment right now. So really it's about like taking consideration into what you're saying. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to have this like perfectly eloquent like way of saying things, Right? We all have the words to express what we need to say, Whether that's a lot of words or very few words, But it's about taking into consideration some key things really when we're gonna do that communicating. So it's not just like you say the words, But it's also maybe environment, Kind of mood. It's looking at the whole person almost rather than just, Well, This is what I wanna say and this is how I'm just gonna say it. Totally. I think a lot of people, Especially when they wanna communicate something big or something they're afraid of or that they're like nervous about, They just come out and just blurt it out, You know, Without any consideration. So like I take the example of like, Okay, Your partner's just come home from a really stressful day. They're kind of, You know, Maybe they're even late coming home later than they normally would be. They've come home, They've just walked through the door. Home is their safe space, Right? So they're like, Oh, I'm home. If you turn to them and suddenly you're like, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, With a whole host of other stressful stuff, Like they are not gonna be ready to receive that information. So one of the first things I always say is before we're gonna communicate, Whatever we're communicating is really two things. The first thing is, Does this look like a good time for the other person? Like, What do I know about what's happening in their life right now, Et cetera? Like, Is this the moment for me to say that thing? Or would it be better on Saturday morning after we've had breakfast and we're just chilling around the house? Like, Is that a better moment to do it in as opposed to a Friday night when they've come home from a really long, Hard week and they just really need to. You're kind of preemptive. Go on, Karina, Sorry. So the second thing I was gonna say is also getting permission. So it actually really goes a long way by just asking someone like, Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. Is now a good moment? Because you are framing it that I have something to tell you. Do you want me to tell you that thing now? And if they do, They're gonna be like, Yes. Yeah, Go for it. Let's sit down. I'm ready. And if they're not, They're gonna be like, You know what, I'm just in the middle of like this or I'm actually, I'm a bit stressed or I've got this thing on my mind or you know what, Can we just talk about it tomorrow? They're gonna let you know where they're at. So you're also gonna know what their emotional capacity is to receive whatever it is you wanna communicate as well. You kind of preempted my question because I was gonna ask, What are the steps that you would take towards ensuring that you are communicating with compassion? And you've already said about the checking the time. Is it now a good time? Is there any other steps after that that you would take into consideration? Yeah, So I also think that it actually does go a long way if we prepare somewhat what we're gonna say. Again, Not just like blurting everything out but actually really considering what are you gonna say? Because a lot of the time I have clients and they come to me and they say, Well, I tried to communicate this thing with a friend or a partner or a family member and it really didn't go well. And I'm like, Okay, So how did it go? Like fill me in. And then they'll give me the download and then I'll say, Okay, What were you asking for? And they'll say, Well, Obviously I was asking for this. And I was like, Oh, Well, You didn't say that. So I have no idea what you were actually asking for. So I always really recommend the practice of nonviolent communication which where communication is split down into four parts essentially. So you first off, You start with, Okay, What am I observing? Like, If you were a fly on a wall, What would you have seen? I'm, I don't know. I saw that you left your dirty socks on the floor or just like, What's the observation? I noticed that your socks on the floor. I noticed that you raised your voice. Like whatever it is the thing that you're like observing about, I noticed our bank account has no money in it. Whatever the thing is, Right? I noticed that my car wasn't here when I got back today. Whatever that observation is. The second part is then how you feel. So a lot of the time we come in and we say, I feel like and then we string off a whole load of things. And none of that is actually our feelings about it. So the second is, How do you feel? Like, I feel disappointed. You know, When you text me and said that you're going to be home at six but you didn't come home until 7. 30. I felt really disappointed because I was looking like I would just felt disappointed or I felt sad. You know, Whatever that emotion is that you're going through. So you speak to that in the second part. In the third part, You then talk about like the because. So the because part is like your value or your need. So for example, Okay. I noticed that you text me saying you were going to be home at six. I was really, I felt really excited to see you. And when it got to 7. 30, I felt really sad that you weren't here yet because I, You know I value your words. I value words, But words are really important to me. Like what you say is really important to me or having you home is really important to me or because I value having you here or because I needed your help with something or I needed you to be on, I value timekeeping or whatever the heck it is that you really, You know the nitty gritty of like, Actually what are you saying here? Because a lot of the time we say things like, Oh, You know that thing really bothered me about this person. When we get down to the nitty gritty of it, It's like, Yeah it's because they weren't timekeeping properly and that's a bother for you. Because that maybe makes you feel like you can't trust a person when they're not timely. So it's about really understanding yourself. Like, Okay, What is that nitty gritty? And then the final part is just the request. So not making demands of other people but just actually clearly requesting what it is that you want to have happen. And I think that's a big part that people will miss out when they're trying to communicate. They talk a lot about maybe what's happening or what's not happening, But they don't actually talk about what do they actually want so that the other person can say, Okay I've heard everything you're saying. And like, Ultimately you just want me to, You know you'd really appreciate it if I could give you a further update, If I'm going to be home late. I see that communication is important to you, Right? It gives the person something to be able to 100%. It just lets them know like, Oh, Okay that's exactly what you want. So that four step process nonviolent communication is really, Really cool for being able to just, You know deepen your communication skills and have a flow. I think it really helps having that flow to go through for yourself. So that first of all, You know what you want and then you can communicate it to other people. Because if you're, If you don't know like you said before, If you don't know what you want that outcome to be then how are you going to communicate to the other person what you want it to be? You've got to know yourself what the expected outcome is. And the nonviolent communication I've not heard that before. So that was really interesting to hear how that's split into four parts. And I think that's something that you can use in all communication really, Isn't it? Not just to your partner or a loved one. It's in general, Having that segments, I guess. Exactly, You know, And if you were doing it in work maybe, You know, In a working environment you'd be less heavy on the feelings, You know in a partnership, In a romantic partnership or in friendship, Et cetera you might be more heavy on the feeling side of like what you really, Really felt but in a working environment, Maybe you'd be you'd still utilize that piece but maybe you would communicate it with, You know the less of the feeling element there to really get your request across, Right? But it doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge that part. It just means like you kind of tailor your communication based on who your audience is. That's really, Really, It's really helpful. That's really informative. I do like doing these with you because I learn something every single time. So thank you again for explaining how to communicate with compassion. And I look forward to talking to you again. Me too, Thank you so much.