The 3 Pillars Of Abundant Relationships

Three of the most important factors in creating any relationship to be an abundant one, and how to implement them into your life as a daily practice. Discover the timeless principles of how to bring your best self into any relationship through an open heart and by the practice of Gratitude, as well as two other important virtues. Listen and see where these fundamental pillars are in your own life and relationships.

Transcript

You're listening to The Three Pillars of Abundant Relationships on the Dance of Life podcast with Tudor Alexander.

This is the Dance of Life.

My name is Tudor Alexander and we are going to go on a journey to hack your mind,

Body,

And soul for living your best life yet.

Tune in every week to learn something new,

Grow,

And get inspired as we discover the secrets of success and practice the art of fulfillment.

And if it's one thing I hope you learn from today,

It's that your life is a dance.

And just like any dance,

You can learn to dance it well.

What's up,

What's up everybody?

Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for being here.

My name is Tudor Alexander and I'll be your host.

As always,

Thank you so much for being here with me today wherever and whenever today happens to be for you.

For me is a Sunday night early in 2021.

And certainly it's been a crazy year,

Hasn't it?

But whatever it has,

You know,

Today we're talking about some timeless things that are valid no matter when you're listening and where you happen to be in life.

We're talking about relationships.

You know,

Relationships are everything in life.

Anything that you want to create that is greater than you requires other people.

And in this particular talk,

I want to really expand the definition of relationships.

You know,

A lot of people probably you're clicking on this to listen in the sense of a romantic sense,

But I want you to listen to it even beyond that.

You know,

It's not just about romantic relationships.

It is just about creating abundant relationships with anybody.

You know,

Your your boss,

Your workers,

Your friends,

The people on the street.

And really it's understanding the element of partnership.

This is the key.

In many ways,

This could probably be creating abundant partnerships because we really should be if you think about a relationship,

Sorry to burst your bubble.

But if you really think about it,

You know,

A relationship is something that is two things that are related.

Right.

So you are in a relationship with everything and everyone around you already.

Right.

That we call a relationship a relationship like,

Oh,

This is my friend or,

You know,

This is my wife or my girlfriend or boyfriend or lover or whatever.

Right.

My boss,

My employee,

All those things,

All those names that we have that exists as an agreement in language between you and,

You know,

Whatever other person there is.

And so your boss isn't your boss because there's some heavenly document somewhere that ordained them as better than you.

No,

They're your boss because you agree that they're your boss.

You agree.

You made an agreement in language that you will show up to work and do what they say.

You sign paperwork.

That's an agreement.

And they agree that they're your boss.

Right.

That they're not your employee,

That they're going to manage you.

Right.

So there's an agreement and that's in a business situation in a relationship and a romantic relationship.

We have this sort of,

You know,

Invisible agreement that,

Hey,

You know,

I'm your boyfriend,

Girlfriend,

You're my boyfriend,

Girlfriend.

And you know,

There's sort of agreements there,

But this is where it also gets really tricky because I will be talking about this in this episode,

But this is where we differ on agreements.

Right.

So I have a certain expectation of what I expect in the particular definition that we're creating and you have your expectation and we don't communicate.

We don't actually form the agreements and treat it like a business in that sense,

At least that aspect of it,

Where everything is communicated clearly and established.

And so we go on in our own expectations and create,

You know,

Entitlement and envy and jealousy and anger and feeling,

You know,

Not loved and all these different things that happen all the time.

Right.

So,

You see,

This episode,

This talk is really about empowering you with the skills to skip all that and to see the default,

These default mechanisms that always happen and to,

To go to the source,

Which is,

We'll be talking about here in a second,

But it's gratitude and there's two other things too,

But really it's,

It's a practice of gratitude because to be abundant and what is abundance,

Right?

So that's the second part of this,

Which is creating abundant,

Really,

It's not just about creating good partnerships,

It's about creating abundant partnerships and relationships.

What does that mean?

What is abundance?

Abundance is outpouring,

Fruitful,

In alignment,

Big,

Infinite.

You know,

These are the qualities of the universe all around you.

If you look at nature,

If you look at everything,

Life is everywhere.

It doesn't drain resources.

It is outpouring.

And so a good relationship,

A partnership,

I should say,

That is aligned,

That is operating by the principles that we'll talk about in this episode is very abundant because it is in alignment with the natural state of the universe.

The natural state of the universe is life giving.

So when you have a partnership with someone that is,

And I use this example,

Again,

My background is movement,

So you haven't followed me.

This is your first time here.

I've done a lot of work in my life with competitive dancing,

You know,

So dance and movement has been a big part of my life.

And it's taught me a lot about the internal world of the mind and emotions because movement is a very great template for seeing these types of things.

And you know,

When you look at,

For example,

A simple partnership exercise that I use very often.

So you're standing next to somebody and they're right in front of you and you hold hands and you both just kind of sit back and you keep holding each other's hands.

Well,

If you do this correctly,

And you can probably visualize it,

You basically both end up kind of sitting on invisible chairs,

Right?

But because the leverage between you two is there,

You aren't falling,

Right?

So this simple exercise illustrates a very profound point,

Which is that partnership is designed to help you achieve something you cannot do on your own.

Pure and simple.

You know,

You wouldn't be able to do that on your own if somebody wasn't hanging on to you and you weren't hanging on to them.

It's a mutual hanging on to and support,

Right?

So and hanging on probably has some bad connotation,

But really supports about mutually supporting each other.

It's the synergy.

That's what we want out of partnership,

Right?

Unfortunately,

Because the three pillars that I'm going to share with you in this episode are not respected and people kind of,

You know,

Skip to their egos and other things that are naturally part of our makeup.

Most partnerships,

And I shouldn't even call it partnership because to me,

Partnership means it's aligned.

Most relationships by default become very difficult,

Right?

They become codependent.

I'm pulling on you and I'm falling and you're not pulling on me and you're pushing me or whatever else,

Right?

So it's just to me,

It's just like dancing because I've done so much that I've taught so many years and competed.

It's really just the same thing.

When you're when two people are dancing and they have no clue how to dance with each other,

It's just it's a mess because they're not allowing themselves to be themselves,

Number one.

And number two,

They're not contributing to the synergy of the situation.

It's a survival game.

And so the result is one plus one is not even equal to two.

One plus one is still equal to one.

You know,

Those are types of relationships that we go through where they're very narcissistic.

They're very draining.

We feel less of a person after we do them,

You know,

So that could be,

It doesn't have to be romantic.

It could be really any kind of relationship could be,

You know,

I've had work relationships like that.

I've had friendships,

You know,

Like that.

So ultimately it is about flipping the script,

Going to the heart of the matter and figuring out first,

How do you show up in those relationships and create that new way of relating?

And that's what I'm going to share with you in this episode.

But my challenge to you is I have two challenges.

My first challenge is pick one of these pillars that really stand out to you today.

One of them will stand out.

And so pick one that really connects to you in your current situation or a relationship and pick the relationship that means the most to you right now.

One of them,

Let's say,

Because I'm sure you have more than one that means a lot to you,

But pick a relationship and pick one of these pillars and figure out,

Okay,

How,

How does this apply to me right now?

What could I do differently?

So that's my first challenge.

My second challenge is this is material is actually part of a larger,

Broader course on this topic that I created on insight timer called the gratitude map,

10 days to a grateful mindset.

So you can find it in my instructor profile and we go into this and the thing is the material I'm sharing with you here is actually toward the end of the course.

So why it's relevant is you want to study the obstacles of gratitude.

You want to study how to build a daily gratitude practice,

Which I go in detail with all the different habits because the first pillar is gratitude.

Right?

So I kind of shared that with you earlier,

But the first pillar is gratitude.

And we all,

I'll explain very much why gratitude is the first pillar.

Ultimately,

If your cup is not full,

You will swing into co-dependence with anybody that you get into relationship with.

Now,

Again,

Not just a romantic relationship,

But again,

Think about all the obstacles that we have to gratitude.

I share them in the class,

But there's eight major obstacles.

We'll use one of them as an example.

Let's say scarcity.

So scarcity is believing that something in the world is not enough.

Now this could be a deep rooted scarcity,

Meaning you just feel everything is,

You're a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough for you.

And so if you haven't resolved that part of yourself,

You don't have a practice of gratitude to really find appreciation and fill your heart up and be courageous and,

You know,

Reframe the world around you.

Then the people that you come into contact with,

Nobody's ever going to be good enough for you.

You know,

Nobody is ever going to be up to par.

Things are always going to be wrong.

You're always going to be upset.

You know,

You're never going to be fulfilled.

Right?

Has anybody fixed that from the outside?

Absolutely not.

That's an inside job.

So ultimately you have to address that,

You know,

By seeing,

Okay,

What are the obstacles that are preventing me from really creating gratitude?

When you have gratitude,

The heart,

The nature of the heart is it's a container.

It's for it to fill up and pour out.

So when you pour out,

That's called generosity.

And that is the second pillar.

All right.

So these two together are very important and in the,

In the course,

Again,

It's called the gratitude map.

I talk about something called the virtuous cycle.

You can even think of it as the abundant cycle because everything in nature has a cyclical pattern and things either go upward or downward.

Either you're in a virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle.

Now most of the time,

I'm sure,

You know,

People can relate to relationships being a vicious cycle.

Right.

And that's simply because people have been disconnected from these two pillars that I'm about to share with you,

Which is gratitude and generosity.

So gratitude is the first pillar,

Which is your ability to find appreciation,

To overcome the obstacles,

To develop certain habits that allow you to build this skill into your life.

And again,

I go into all those in detail in the course,

A lot of great stuff in there,

But the second part of it,

Which is generosity,

Which is the outpouring of all that filling up that you're doing.

Right.

When you regret,

When you practice gratitude,

You're practicing filling up,

Filling up your heart,

Filling up your mind with the present moment with finding things to appreciate and be grateful for.

And so the natural consequence of that is expression through generosity,

To share what you're feeling,

To acknowledge others,

To,

You know,

Do something for other people,

To be generous,

You know,

And give your time or whatever else,

You know,

All these different things that we do as a natural consequence of being grateful.

It's just like,

You know,

If you're joyful,

One of the natural consequences is laughter.

You don't laugh if you're depressed or angry or miserable,

Whatever you,

You laugh when there's joy.

It's just a natural consequence.

You know,

Joy is sort of the internal thing that happens.

And laughter is one of the ways that it manifests outward,

Just like generosity is the other side of gratitude.

And what generosity does is it allows you to create evidence in the world of your greatness,

Number one,

And of things working out and you're planting seeds.

You're planting gratitude seeds.

You know,

When you're generous with your gifts,

When you're generous with,

You know,

Your time,

Your,

Your money,

Your,

Yourself,

Whatever you are putting yourself out in the universe and creating momentum.

That momentum brings you back the harvest of,

You know,

You made a difference in someone's life and they thank you.

Now you feel,

Gosh,

You know,

I feel important and not in like an egotistical way,

But wow,

My purpose,

I'm revealing my purpose to me because we all have a purpose to serve.

Right?

So when you do those kinds of things,

You acknowledge your purpose and you feel good inside,

You know,

When you are generous with yourself and you're doing things based on the generosity,

You create evidence that the world works for you.

Right?

By seeing the evidence of your actions,

Because guess what?

You're creating evidence all the time.

If you live from scarcity,

Then you're only going to find evidence that the world is out to get you,

That there's never enough,

That,

You know,

You're losing things all the time that you shouldn't be brave,

That you shouldn't risk.

Right?

So whichever way,

Again,

It only goes up or down.

There's only virtuous or vicious.

There's no spinning in the middle,

Unfortunately.

But it is fortunate in the sense because it really puts the responsibility on us to create our world.

And so gratitude and generosity are a practice to create this virtuous cycle in your life is a real practice.

And again,

These are nothing new.

They're just very simple ideas in some sense,

But the simplicity,

Don't let the simplicity fool you.

It is the practice over time that really is the challenge and that really develops these things into the powerful tools that they are.

There is no other way.

Gratitude and generosity.

You know,

You're not reinventing the wheel here.

You are rediscovering yourself.

Right?

So this is the thing.

There's no crazy,

You know,

I call it the unsexy personal growth answer.

All of us want some new hack to 10 X our income or whatever else and all this stuff.

And that's all fine and dandy.

But when it comes to the world of spirituality and spiritual development,

There's nothing to invent.

It's already been created for you.

Learn to be grateful,

Learn to be present,

Be generous,

And you will live a very fulfilling life.

And so when you can live your life in this way and create this virtuous cycle that moves you up and upward and outward through gratitude and generosity,

Fill your heart up,

Let it pour out,

Fill your heart up,

Let it pour out.

Then you create sort of a battery.

I call it a battery in the course,

Like a little battery within your heart that gives you the energy to root to do the final pillar,

Which is service to others.

So this is very important because these three pillars,

Even though there's three of them,

I want you to think of them almost like layers to a foundation in the sense that there's an order in which they occur.

So three pillars is kind of a misnomer in the sense that they are,

You know,

Standing next to each other vertically,

But that's not really the case.

It's more like gratitude first,

Then generosity,

Then service to others.

So they're sort of horizontal.

And why that's important is most of the people,

When we get into relationships,

We first go to the service to others part.

Now not in the sense that we're giving service to others,

But rather that we expect to be served.

You know,

This falls in the category of love languages,

Your preferences.

We all have different psychological needs more than others.

You know,

So if you study human behavior,

You know,

We all have a need for certainty or connection or,

You know,

Variety or,

You know,

These types of things,

You know,

If you listen to Tony Robbins a lot,

But the pyramid of human needs and we all have these different human needs or preferences or,

You know,

The Myers-Briggs profile and there's so many ways to slice personality.

In the end,

It doesn't really matter because all that stuff just basically means your programs,

Right?

So they exist.

We all have programs and learning about those programs can be a powerful tool to help you relate to people,

Right?

Because I know it,

Let's say if I know your love languages touch,

Now I can serve you and do the things that you really genuinely feel loved with,

Right?

How many people enter a relationship,

We'll use again,

Love languages because they're easy,

But you could do this with everything where let's say my love languages touch and your love language is services,

Right?

And you know,

Neither of us are really grateful or generous with anything.

We're just,

You know,

Haven't resolved that part of our life.

We're very miserable and scarcity mindset.

And so we're expecting from each other,

Right?

I'm so miserable that I want you to make me feel better by giving me some touch and you're so miserable.

You're expecting me to just do things for you so that you feel better about your life.

And of course that's not my love language and that's,

You know,

Very far from it.

So I have no,

No interest in doing those types of things.

It's not going to come natural to me.

So what it's going to be the consequence.

Well,

You're going to think that I don't care about you because again,

You've lost connection with your own little battery of gratitude and generosity.

And so then you don't do those things for me.

And then I feel like you don't care about me.

And so,

Because I've lost my ability to be grateful and fight appreciation in general,

Not in other people and in my relationship necessarily,

But just in general,

Finding appreciation and acting with gratitude or generosity to create that abundance cycle within myself,

To live in abundance.

You have to live in abundance if you want abundant relationships with others.

So now we both are sitting here with our expectations and entitlements without any clue on how to make ourselves happy.

And you know,

You just go through codependence and guilt and shame and anger and missed expectations and all of the default crap that happens with relationships.

And this is the problem right here is that we forget the first two most important pillars,

Which is really a foundation.

If you want to talk about it that way in the sense that it's accurately portrayed gratitude and generosity together form the foundation of all of your relationships.

And when you have that battery and you can live by that battery,

Which is not dependent on other people,

By the way,

This is another important distinction is that it's not dependent on other people.

It is a battery that is about yourself and your own ability to move through life with a full cup,

Right?

When you have enough to overflow and give to others in the way that they want to be given to.

So the thing is that,

You know,

A lot of people,

They don't realize that this type of love we're talking about,

Like the love language and service to others is very demanding,

Right?

It's very demanding to love somebody in the way that they want to be loved because most of the time,

Most of the time,

You know,

And certainly in all your relationships,

You're not going to have all your relationships be,

You know,

Have this like lucky draw where all of them happen to be your love language.

And so it's supernatural and easy to love those people.

And no,

It's not.

Everybody has their own way of feeling loved.

And so it requires that you pay attention and use heavy mental resources to sort of go and get in their world,

Right?

That's not easy.

And whether that's a client,

Whether that's a family member,

Whether it's a romantic partner,

Whether it's a boss,

It doesn't matter,

You know,

To really genuinely relate to someone is difficult,

Right?

But at the very least,

If we can fill up our battery and avoid the poisons that drain us of creative energy,

The drain us of appreciation,

The drain us of love,

You know,

Those obstacles,

The eight obstacles that I talk about in the course,

Then now you have more of that energy to give.

It's just really,

It's a very simple concept.

But again,

It's,

You know,

It's the simple things that we ignore because we don't think they're very valuable.

We want some fancy distinction.

Well,

I'll tell you what,

There's really nothing fancy to living a fulfilled life and having great abundant relationships.

It's the practicing that's hard,

Right?

If everybody,

I can guarantee you that if everybody in your life somehow managed to practice gratitude and generosity,

You wouldn't really need much of the love languaging in the first place.

That would just be like the icing on the cake.

It wouldn't even be that big of a thing,

You know,

Because ultimately when you can cultivate a practice of gratitude and generosity,

Meaning being generous with who you are naturally and that person is being generous as well.

And you can both find something to appreciate in each other no matter what.

And again,

There's science behind this too,

Actually.

There's a lot of science on gratitude and its impact on relationships.

But again,

I don't need science to prove me these things,

But it is interesting that they're doing a lot of science on gratitude and its impact on relationships.

But there is science on this,

You know,

So ultimately if you can find something to appreciate that person,

Then your needs become secondary.

And I don't mean that in like a negative way,

But you know,

We're so obsessed with fulfilling our needs before we give any love out to other people.

We got to feel like we're important.

Like if it's important to you to feel important,

Then until that person likes you or feel makes you feel important with some stupid little superficial thing,

You're going to withhold love,

Be insecure,

Feel like they don't like you,

Whatever else,

Right?

So we get hung up in these things rather than just operating from a space of gratitude and generosity.

And if both people can do that,

It becomes less important to validate all these,

You know,

All these things,

You know,

That we,

That we measure our relationship with,

Right?

So again,

Using the love language as well,

You didn't take the garbage out today.

That means you don't love me because my love language is services.

Well,

You know,

It doesn't matter anymore.

You know,

It's important.

Sure.

If that person does take the garbage out,

You feel extra loved,

Especially if they do it intentionally and they say,

You know,

I know you really love that and I know it helps you when I do that.

So I'm going to do that for you.

You know,

I'm going to commit to doing that,

Even though it's not really natural for me to think about doing that.

I'm going to commit to doing that for you.

I'm going to commit to washing the dishes for you because I know that it makes you happy.

I'm doing that to make you happy,

You know,

But that becomes just like a treat,

You know,

It doesn't become the thing that fulfills you and that you depend on for the quality of your relationship.

Why?

Because you already have the ability to appreciate and not necessarily every day to appreciate that person,

But just let's say,

You know,

Again,

I have all 12 habits that I talk about in the course,

But one of them is to go outside,

Go outside and find something to appreciate in nature and practice connecting to nature.

And so if you have the ability to bring yourself back to a state of appreciation,

There's less that you need from anybody period.

You know,

You're able to fulfill your needs through gratitude and generosity.

And then again,

If somebody fulfills them specifically and intentionally,

Then it's like,

Oh,

You know,

That's the extra cherry on the,

On the Sunday that,

That all relationships come with,

You know,

That's the way it should be.

A partnership is all about doing something you can't do together.

It's the spice of life.

But unfortunately,

You know,

We don't have this foundation that's so important,

Which is the three pillars.

And so we get lost and relationships become this sort of dualistic game of,

You know,

Getting our benefits,

But then also at the cost of stress and draining and,

And,

You know,

All these different things.

So why have that duality when you can create the duality within yourself through abundance and gratitude,

Uh,

Through generosity and gratitude and create that abundance within yourself and then bring that into the relationship and cultivate that.

And then,

You know,

You have a lot more reserves to deal with everything else.

So I hope you've enjoyed this talk.

Remember gratitude is the key.

It's the beginning to everything.

It's beginning to all your great relationships,

All your wonderful creative ideas.

You know,

You can't be creative if you're miserable,

Right?

So ultimately gratitude is just one of those things of vitamin G.

I call it,

So you have to take your vitamin G every day.

So my challenge to you is finally these pillars for your own relationship,

Whatever relationship signifies whatever comes to you right now.

Right?

So relate it to one of those and figure out,

Okay,

What does this mean for me right now today?

And what could I do more of?

And my second challenge is grab yourself the course and insight timer,

The gratitude map,

10 days to grateful mindset.

I go into detail on a lot of different things and again,

This material is actually toward the end of the course after we've established a lot of basic things like the eight obstacles,

The 12 different habits,

You know,

Basically everything that's needed for you to really set up the first two pillars,

Which is gratitude and generosity.

And then we really dive into service to others and all the relationship stuff that's at the end.

So go check that out.

It's really going to take your understanding to the next level.

And I really hope it does help you and live an empowered life in your relationships and take it with a partner.

You know,

Both of you go take the course.

It doesn't cost very much.

So you enjoy the same education together and discuss and communicate.

There's so much science about people communicating what they feel and expressing gratitude to each other that really elevates intimacy.

You know,

We all want intimacy and a big part of that is an open heart.

And so gratitude is the practice of opening that heart up and generosity is letting it pour out.

Right.

So these things are fundamental to intimacy and relationships.

Take the course together,

Journal,

Communicate with each other,

Learn these skills,

Practice them and live an abundant life.

I truly wish that for you.

So hope you've enjoyed this episode.

We'll see you in the course.

Don't forget,

As I always say at the end of every episode,

Your life is a dance.

So go out there and dance it well.

For more inspiration,

Free resources and bonus content,

Stay connected at DanceOfLife.

Com.

Reviews

I have always sad life is all about relationships. Love your talk and will be signing up for the course today

Abundance of anything always stems from gratitude, being willing to serve and love. Thank you 🙏

WONDERFULLY Wise and Insightful❣️ And SUCH an Important aspect of every human life, whether it be day to day interactions with random individuals or a Legal or Covenant Relationship.
Thank you, Tudor for sharing your Wise and Encouraging Insights. 🙏🏻💕

Thank you so much...

That felt very simple, real and sweet. I chose this talk to learn more about the concept of abundance and I felt that what you say here applies to all aspects of life. Thank you!

Thanks, it is both interesting and instructive🌸🙏🌸

A relationship is an agreement. Abundance within that relationship is built on gratitude, generosity and service. I love the way you teach these concepts in such a profound yet relatable way. Thank you for your wisdom! 💞💖💕

Thank you. A wonderful talk about the foundations of a great relationship with self or with another.

Thank you for this very nice talk - loved listening 🙏🎶

Thank you for affirming the greatest importance of gratitude. Will be listening to all your talks 🙏

Thank you. I find your talk very enlightening, with both feet firmly on the ground.

Thanks. This was helpful. Practicing gratitude now.

Great message, thank you for sharing. Abundance is where it’s at!

Nice and helpful. Strikes the right tone.

Very insightful and thought provoking. Thank yoy🙏🏻

Nice reminder of essentials. Thank you for this.

Love the talk good to be reminded of gratitude♥️

I needed to hear this right now. Thank You.

Excellent advice for all relationships! Personally spoke to me since I’ve been half there in a relationship. Now I know what is holding me back.

I enjoyed this very much. Your positivity is uplifting and refreshing. I’m so glad to find your podcast - now following!