When Anxiety's Best Friend Avoidance Shows Up

Has your child suddenly stopped wanting to do something they used to love? Maybe they don’t want to go to hockey, dance, a friend’s house, or another activity they once enjoyed. In this podcast episode, we’ll explore how anxiety can sometimes lead children to avoid activities they genuinely enjoy. It’s not always about losing interest. Sometimes, the anxiety connected to the activity—whether it’s worries about making mistakes, being away from home, or not knowing what to expect—can become bigger than the enjoyment. We’ll talk about what parents and caregivers can do when anxiety starts getting in the way, and how to offer support without accidentally letting anxiety make all the decisions. The goal isn’t to force a child through their fear. It’s to help them build confidence and learn that anxiety can come along for the ride without always being in the driver’s seat.

Transcript

Hello and welcome back to this mini series. My name is Emily Miller. I work as a registered psychotherapist supporting kids and teens, Their parents and caregivers. And today I'm answering a question that I do receive from parents often. And the question is, Why is my child suddenly avoiding things that they used to love? Maybe they used to run into soccer practice and now they don't want to go. Maybe they used to love birthday parties, And now they want to stay home. Maybe they used to sleep at grandma's house, Ride the bus, Perform in dance recitals, Or raise their hand in class, And now they're hesitant, Reluctant, Or refusing altogether. As parents, This can be totally confusing, Right? We might ask like, What changed? And the truth is that it could be anxiety. The truth is that anxiety often has a very convincing voice. It says, You know, What if I embarrass myself? What if something goes wrong? What if I can't handle it? And when a child listens to that voice and avoids it, Voids the situation, Something important happens. They feel relief immediately. The soccer practice is gone, The party's canceled, The presentation is avoided altogether, The uncomfortable feeling disappears. Anxiety loves that. Anxiety's best friend is avoidance because anxiety learns Ah, That worked. Let's avoid it again next time. The challenge is that while avoidance feels better in the short term, It often makes anxiety bigger in the long term. And the world slowly can get smaller. Confidence slowly can get smaller and anxiety slowly can get bigger. So. . . You know, What can parents do? Let's walk through a response plan. So before convincing, Encouraging, Or correcting of any kind, We connect. So instead of anything like. You always have fun once you're there, Or stop worrying about that. Try this instead. This seems really hard for you right now. Or something about this feels uncomfortable. Connection helps a child feel seen. And children are often more willing to move forward when they feel understood. So in this step of connection. We start with. Helping the child feel seen in their experience. And then next comes acceptance. And acceptance does not mean agreeing that the activity is dangerous. No, No, No, No. It means acknowledging that the feeling is real. So you might say, I can see your worry showing up. Or it's okay to feel nervous. Or lots of people feel anxious before trying something hard. We're making room for the feeling instead of fighting it, Is what we're doing here. And then this is where. Anxiety and confidence take a different path. Okay, In this like next step where the parent is going to take the lead. Anxiety says don't go, Stay home, Avoid it. And as parents, As caregivers, Our job isn't to force. But it also isn't to let anxiety make every decision. Instead, We gently lead. So. It sounds like this. I know part of you wants to stay home. And I also know this activity is important to you. Let's focus on the first step. And maybe the goal isn't like staying for the whole practice. Maybe it's just walking into the building. And maybe it's staying for 10 minutes. Maybe it's simply showing up. But confidence grows through the doing. Confidence isn't going to grow before the doing. We can't expect them to necessarily like wait for them to feel ready. No, Confidence will grow in the doing. So that's where the parent is leading the child through. And remember, Children are constantly watching how we respond to challenges. So we might say, I get nervous before new things too. And sometimes I want to cancel plans when I feel uncomfortable. But I've learned that the feeling usually gets smaller when I face it. And what a powerful message that is, Right? Not that brave people don't feel nervous, But that brave people do hard things while feeling nervous. And I'll often say that in sessions, Right? I can feel nervous. And do hard things. I can feel scared and be brave too. Both can exist. Ultimately, The goal isn't to, You know, Raise a child who never feels anxious. Of course not. The goal is. . . To help a child learn, I can feel nervous and still show up. And we build this. One. Sometimes small, Brave step at a time. So if you've noticed anxiety slowly shrinking your child's world, Whether that's like school, Sports, Friendships, Sleepovers, And everyday experiences, The calm method was created to help in these sort of scenarios through four simple audio modules. You'll learn practical ways to respond to anxiety that build confidence over time and help your child take brave steps forward. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. See you next time.