When Anxiety Makes It Hard To Separate

Does your child suddenly want you close by all the time? Do goodbyes feel harder than usual, whether it’s at school, bedtime, activities, or leaving them with another trusted adult? In this episode of the mini podcast series, we’ll explore why anxiety can make separation feel especially difficult for children—and why clinginess is often a sign that a child is looking for safety and reassurance. We’ll use the C.A.L.M. Method: Connect, Accept, Lead, and Model to explore how parents and caregivers can respond with compassion while still helping their child build confidence and independence. The goal isn’t to eliminate the discomfort of separation, it's to help your child learn: “I can miss you, feel worried, and still be okay."

Transcript

Welcome back to this mini podcast series. My name is Emily Miller, And I am working as a registered psychotherapist who supports children, Teens, And their families. And today I'm answering a common question from parents, And it sounds often like, Why does my child always want to be near me? Or like. . . I think my child really struggles with separation. And so maybe they follow you from room to room. Maybe they want you to be beside them while they play. Maybe they struggle to go upstairs alone. Maybe bedtime has turned into lying beside them until they fall asleep. Or perhaps they seem okay as long as they know exactly where they are. Pardon me, Where you are. For many parents, This can feel confusing. You love being a source of comfort for your child, And honestly, That's part of your job, That is part of your role. But sometimes parents begin to notice that their child doesn't just prefer their presence, They seem to need it. This is where anxiety may be involved. When a child feels anxious, A parent often becomes a source of safety. And that's not a bad thing. The problem is when anxiety starts sending a message of, You can only be okay if mom is here. You can only do this if dad comes too. You can only fall asleep if someone stays beside you. Over time, Anxiety can start borrowing confidence from the parent instead of helping the child build confidence within themselves. So how do we respond? What can parents, Caregivers do? Let's walk through some steps. So first, Before trying to push independence, Let's connect with what is happening underneath. Instead of saying something like, You're too old for this, Or just go by yourself. Try this instead. Try connecting by saying. It feels safer when I'm close by. Or part of you is worried about doing this on your own. Connection helps. Our child feel understood instead of ashamed. So through connection. We're sending this message of understanding. Next comes acceptance. We don't need to argue with the feeling. We don't need to convince them that there's nothing to worry about. Instead, Let's signal. That we accept the feeling that they're moving through. And in order to do this, You might voice something like, I can see this feels hard. It's okay to wish I would stay. Lots of kids notice their worry, Wanting them to keep a parent close. So we're making room for the feeling, We're not feeding it. And then we move into the next step, And this is where things can get tricky because kids, When a child is distressed, Our instinct is often to stay. A little longer, Just one more minute, Just until they're calm. But if anxiety is driving the bus, Staying longer and longer can accidentally teach. I really can't handle this without mom or dad, Right? So instead, In this step of leading We gently. Lead by saying something like, I know you wish I could stay, Or I'm going to be downstairs, And I know you can do this. Or maybe it sounds like, I'll sit with you for two minutes and then I'm going to continue making dinner. So notice we're not withdrawing support by any means. We're gradually helping our child discover, I can be uncomfortable and still be okay. So confidence is built through the experience of coping through it, Not through what I would call endless reassurance. Then finally we move into modeling. So children learn confidence by borrowing ours first. We show them calm confidence, Not the worry, Not panic, Not guilt, Just a steady message of I know this feels hard and I believe you can handle it. Sometimes that powerful Like the very most powerful thing that a parent can communicate isn't, Oh, Nothing bad will happen. But instead it's whatever happens, I believe you can cope. Whatever happens, I believe you can cope. Because ultimately the goal isn't. You know, A child needs. That a child's never gonna need comfort. The goal is to help a child learn, I can feel scared and still stand on my own two feet. Right? And that lesson gets built one small moment of independence over time. So if you've ever wondered whether you're helping anxiety, You're accidentally helping anxiety grow, You're not alone. The calm method was created to help Parents navigate moments exactly like these? I've got a four module offering. Where you'll learn practical ways to support your child while building the confidence and coping skills they're going to carry with them long even after childhood. And that is called the calm method and it's available to you today. So thanks for being here and thanks for listening to another in this podcast series. Thank you.