When Anxiety Needs Everything The Same

Does your child insist on the same route to school, the same cup, the same seat, or the same bedtime routine? And when something changes, does it sometimes lead to big emotions?
In this podcast episode, we’ll explore how anxiety can fuel a strong need for predictability and certainty. When things feel familiar, children often feel safer—but when anxiety starts calling the shots, their world can become smaller and more rigid. I’ll walk you through the four parts of the C.A.L.M. Method: Connect, Accept, Lead, and Model, and how parents can respond when their child struggles with changes or uncertainty. The goal isn’t to make your child love change. It’s to help them learn: "I prefer things a certain way, but I can cope when life looks different.” If you’re supporting a child who struggles with routines, uncertainty, or changes to plans, this episode offers practical, compassionate strategies to help you navigate these moments with greater confidence.

Transcript

Welcome back to this mini podcast series. My name is Emily Miller, And I work as a registered psychotherapist who supports kids, Teens, And their families. In my work, I support families in understanding big emotions like anxiety and the patterns that can quietly shape how kids cope. And today I am answering a very common question of why does my child need everything the same? As well as what parents can do about it. So. . . There are so many parents that tell me. My child insists we take the same route to school every day. Or. . . They need the same bedtime routine every single night. Or they want the same plate, The same cup, The same seat at the table. Or if something changes unexpectedly, It can lead to a meltdown. These are some of the things that I hear whenever it comes to sameness. While there can be many reasons for these behaviors, One possibility is anxiety. Anxiety. Loves predictability. When things are familiar. Our brain feels safer. When things change, Anxiety starts asking questions like, What if something goes wrong? What if I don't know what to expect? What if I can't handle it? So this same route, The same routine, Or the same order of events can become a way of reducing uncertainty. And in the moment it works, Right? The child feels this relief. But the truth is over time, Anxiety can start needing more and more certainty to feel okay. So whenever it comes to a situation like this and maybe a child notices, That something isn't the same, Instead of us responding with, It's not a big deal, We're taking a different road, For example, You might try, I can, Tell this change feels uncomfortable for you. Or You were really expecting things to go the same way today. We're connecting before we're doing any sort of correcting. We're like connecting to the experience that they're having. So again, It sounds like. I can tell this change feels uncomfortable for you. Or you were really expecting things to go the usual way. And then we don't need to convince our child that the change is fine. Instead, We might move to saying something like, It makes sense that this feels different, Or. . . Our brain often likes to know what to expect. Or maybe saying something like, You can feel uncomfortable and still get through this. So we are signaling that we accept the state that they are in. And acceptance doesn't mean that we are giving in. It means we're making room for the feeling. And then. Often, What I see is that this is where parents can get stuck, Right? The anxious brain might say, Just take the usual route, Or just change the plans back, Or just make everything predictable again, So that there isn't sort of an email town or whatever, Right? And sometimes that may be reasonable, But if we always let anxiety decide. Anxiety learns, I need things to stay the same in order to be okay. So we're not going that way. We are leading with a different. Approach, Okay? Instead, We gently lead with, I know this isn't the road we usually take. We're taking a different route today. I know you don't like it. And I know you can handle it. We're not forcing, We're not arguing, We're not rescuing, We are leading. So. We're leading by showing that it's okay to move through this change. And we're voicing, I know you can handle it. We're leading them through. And children watch us really closely, Right? So if we become frantic every time plans change, They learn that change is dangerous. So we want to reflect on like our response to change too. If we show flexibility, They can learn flexibility too. So to model, We might model by saying things like, Oh, They closed our usual road today. That's not what I expected. Or hmm, Let's figure out another way. You can hear the flexibility in that, Right? Or maybe even modeling that self-talk of like, I can handle changes even when I don't like them. We are modeling for the child the flexibility to move through change. So the goal isn't to create a child who loves every change. The goal is to help raise a child who learns. I prefer things a certain way, But I can cope when life looks a little bit different. Okay, I'll stop there. If you'd like more support responding to anxiety in everyday moments like bedtime struggles or this reassurance seeking school worries or difficulties, As we talked about today with uncertainty, I've got the calm method, And it walks you through the same four steps of connecting, Accepting, Leading, And modeling. So you can feel more confident supporting your child when anxiety does show up. This is available to you, But in the meantime, Thanks for showing up here. Thanks for engaging and listening.