Intentional Gift-Giving & Gift-Receiving (Live Recording)

Learn the impact that gifts can have on the giver and receiver. Let's share ideas for intentional gift giving for this holiday and conversations to have with your loved ones around healthy gift exchange.

Transcript

Good morning everybody.

How are you guys doing today?

Happy Tuesday.

Perfecto.

Yeah,

My iPhone is better.

Thank you for joining in today to this session where we're going to be talking about intentional gift giving and gift receiving.

Good morning Becca,

Good morning Beth,

Good morning Amy.

Hi Lenor.

You are perfect just the way you are.

Thank you Lenor.

I like that.

We are all perfect the way we are right now.

So we don't need to do anything.

So guys,

What comes up for you when you think about gift giving?

Just sharing the chat.

What comes up for you?

Do you like receiving and giving gifts?

Are you tired of gifting?

Do you love doing it?

Is your favorite activity of the year?

I don't know what what comes up for you.

Do you like it?

Do you?

You don't like it?

Pressure guilt.

So Amy,

What does that mean exactly?

Do you feel pressure to give gifts?

That's what that means.

And hi,

I don't know if there are any new people in this session that is the first time here with me.

If you are new,

Please say hi so that I can,

I can see you.

And I can say hi to you and I can see your face.

My name is Emilio Jose Garcia and I do live sessions every,

Every week.

Hi Nicole,

You are a newie.

Welcome.

Glad to have you here.

Becca says my intention is for the recipient to want to think.

Good morning Marisa.

First time.

Hi Diane.

I used to like it.

It's a lot of work my first time.

Hi Chandra.

Thank you for sharing and for being here for the first time.

Good morning Emilio.

I like giving.

Not,

Not as easy to receive.

So why is that?

Why do you have a hard time receiving but you like giving?

Would you like to share more about that?

Lenore says tired of giving,

Went to crowded store,

Left without purchase,

Overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed because you are trying to find the perfect gift and it's just difficult to do that Lenore?

That's,

That's what's coming up for you.

Not sure,

Makes me uncomfortable.

So this is a great opportunity for you to explore more about that.

Why does that make you uncomfortable?

What's behind that?

And honestly so interesting sometimes,

Sometimes people compliment my work or they say something and you know what my reaction is?

I never say thank you.

I never say thank you for that.

I really appreciate you and I take it with with gratefulness.

Sometimes I just change subjects.

And it's like,

Oh,

And then my wife,

She understands me really well and then anytime she does that,

She says Emilio,

Can you please say thank you and accept it?

And I say,

Yeah,

I can but it's not my first nature and,

And it's interesting because there is a belief of,

I don't deserve.

I'm not good enough,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And that's what's stopping me from receiving.

So I was wondering if something similar is coming up for you.

No,

Just too many people reminded me,

It's not about things.

Okay,

So it's about the physical like clutter that the gifts create.

Good morning,

Caroline,

Expected to react a certain way.

Amy says my illness may sound like excuse so hard to stay on top of life.

I used to love it now I am constantly putting out fires,

I can't research the way I used to,

To find something meaningful.

Thank you for sharing.

I feel like maybe I don't deserve gifts.

I like giving though.

Thank you.

Yes,

For sharing.

Good morning,

Caroline from Seattle.

My first time with you happy to be here.

Happy to have you Caroline,

Thank you for joining.

I can say thank you.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

Okay,

So so there is a little bit of I don't deserve it in there right TP says hello everyone.

Hi Emilio.

Hi TP.

It's self worth it's taking time to accept gifts.

Yeah,

So this time,

There is,

There is a lot going on here.

Okay,

And I'm sure for every person is going to be different,

And unique.

But when it comes to gift gifting.

You need to unpack what's happening because there is,

There is the pressure of maybe you don't want to buy gifts,

But people are expecting them,

And that expectation is killing you right that expectation is like I cannot show up to my family without gifts because they're gonna judge me they're gonna say blah blah blah.

So that's one dynamic that maybe has been happening for years,

And it's difficult to change and you don't want to confront having a conversation,

Or you don't know how to do it.

That can be one thing.

Another thing can be buying gifts takes a lot of time a lot of effort and maybe you are overwhelmed already with life or maybe something is going on at work,

And you don't have a lot of time to even think about what do people need from me.

So you just feel that you don't have the energy to do that,

That can be another thing right financial pressure can be another thing like,

I just cannot buy 20 gifts and spend thousands of dollars,

Because I just don't have them,

Or I don't want to.

That can be another angle for some people gift gifting is,

It's an opportunity they love doing it,

It's an opportunity for them to get out to brush through shops to spend time with themselves,

Or maybe they do it with friends,

And they have a great time,

And they love doing it.

But the person receiving maybe they don't need what they are buying.

And then there is a disconnect there right.

So there are,

There is a lot happening here.

And that's why I wanted to do the session today about gifts,

Because it's important to understand how you feel about it.

Okay,

And what you truly want.

When it comes to gifts,

Receiving and giving gifts,

And it's also important to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand their situation,

Understand what they want,

What they need,

How they function what they appreciate the state of their home,

Etc.

Right.

That's also a part of intentional giving,

Intentional gift giving.

Okay.

Is there anything else guys that you can think of that is going on,

Dynamic wise,

When it comes to gift exchange,

Giving receiving gifts that I haven't mentioned.

That's why I used to love it.

It was the only time of year money wasn't related to fear guilt around spending.

So Amy for you,

It felt good because you didn't care about spending the money you really care more about what other people will get from that and what you were getting from that experience right.

So that was something positive for you.

Yeah,

And I was,

I loved finding the perfect gift like a treasure hunt.

Yeah,

So you got a thrill out of it right that was a good experience for you,

And I'm sure many people enjoy that.

So that's why sometimes I just had to buy a new furnace,

It was thousands of dollars,

I think I had the money but now not so much left for gifts.

So Jessica that's a perfect example of finances right.

So,

In your case,

If you still feel like you want to give gifts.

Maybe you have to look for options that that won't cost money.

And there are a lot of them,

Honestly,

There are a lot of them.

I feel obligated to give gifts whenever I receive one.

Yeah,

That's another thing that we all feel like we have to reciprocate.

It's like,

Oh,

I received this and now I feel guilty because I don't have anything.

And then it becomes this circle that if you have conversations with people but they still give you gifts because they enjoy the process because they have the money because they have the time because they want to do that,

Then you receive that gift.

And then you feel that guilt,

And it's like,

I already told them they already know but they still chose to do that.

So deep inside it is our work to to to be grateful about that,

To accept why they are doing it.

And then the only thing that I always ask people who like to give gifts,

Is to stop having expectations about what happens with those gifts.

Okay,

If you really love buying stuff and giving it to people,

But you don't know if they're gonna need it.

Just be open minded that if they want to donate it if they want to set it if they want to take it back to the store,

Give them the receipt,

So that they can do that.

Just make it easy for them to deal with the gift in a different way if they choose to do that.

That's something that that way,

Both parties are kind of respected.

But yeah,

I can understand that guilt because I feel it too.

Materialism is dysfunctional.

Opt out by letting friends and family know you love them but will not be participating in the coercion of holidays.

Yeah,

Amazing.

So you had those,

Those honest conversations right,

And then you said very clear,

How you feel about it.

And then people know how you feel about it so they can choose what to do but they are aware of,

Of,

Of how you feel.

So that's great.

Can you talk more about how we can say no to gifts from others.

How best can I make it easy for others to understand that I don't like to add to landfills that way.

Harv,

Great question.

I like that Emilio give them the receipt and let them do what they want with it.

Yeah.

So,

Harv,

Ways to say no,

It's a,

First of all,

It's really connecting with yourself and how you feel about this okay.

When it comes to gifts,

Giving gifts.

Sometimes it's more beautiful to give a gift when people are not expecting it,

And when you really feel like doing that,

Rather than when you are supposed to,

Aka birthday parties,

Christmas,

Etc.

Right.

When you give gifts,

Gifts can be in very different forms.

So you can say no to receiving gifts that are physical because you don't need them,

But you can let the door open for people to be nice to you by showing you cooking your favorite meal by bringing you if you like drinking something or you like tea or coffee or whatever they bring a beautiful package of coffee that you're going to use.

Maybe they give if you are a parent and you have a kid that is under the age of five or six,

Maybe they offer you to babysit him for a night and they give you a night out with your partner or with yourself.

So there are many different ways.

And then I think that the communication here,

Harv,

Should be,

You need to connect with yourself about how,

What are your boundaries here okay and how do you feel about gifts,

And how can you,

How can you allow people to still love you and give you gifts if they feel like doing that and that's what they want to do,

Not expecting anything in return,

But in a way that feels good for both parties for you and for them.

So that's why I think you have to have conversations with them in a way that is respectful in a way that is uplifting in a way that is just a reflection about me,

Look,

I've been doing this for years and then I feel now that my relationship with gifts has changed in a way,

Maybe I've been working really hard I keep in my home declutter.

So physical things don't make it to me.

But I love this this and that so I don't really need anything from anyone but if you still have the urge,

And you really enjoy buying gifts,

I totally understand that.

But then please.

This is a list of things that I will appreciate but you don't have to,

But if you really want to just use that list,

And that's what we have done with family sometimes it's like,

Okay,

We need a blender,

Or we need.

We need a coupon to take our daughter to for swimming lessons,

Or we really appreciate money to do this trip,

Or we again but we don't need it but if you truly want,

Maybe that's something that maybe I play squash.

I need to give certificate for that squash shop,

Because I will break my racket,

And I will buy a new one.

So that will be something helpful that is not adding clutter to my life,

It's adding.

It's adding value to my life it's something that is meaningful and intentional for me.

And then I'm not closing the door to that person to do what they love doing.

And I had some of my family members they love buying gifts they buy them all the time,

But they are retired.

They have the money,

They have the time,

They get a thrill out of it.

So,

At the beginning the conversation was very like extremists from our side like we don't want gifts we don't want gifts,

But we were not putting ourselves in their shoes,

Like,

No,

They really love this process so it's selfish from us also to say,

I don't want anything from you,

Because they love me,

They want to represent that in the form of a gift.

So now they may get and they bring food,

They bring something that I can drink,

They bring gift certificates for sports that we do.

Gift certificates for restaurants that my wife and I we can go for a date,

Dancing lessons.

So we started getting experiences and stuff that wasn't adding clutter to our lives.

So I hope that that helps from helping other families I have seen that,

Especially with kids,

Because the reality for when you have kids,

Is that you get an abundance of toys right and sometimes too many toys and families are overwhelmed by not knowing what to do with so many toys.

Kids don't really play with all of them because they are overwhelmed too.

So it's important to make a list about the kid,

And maybe that kid needs one or two very intentional things.

So you share that with all the loved ones,

And everybody will tip into buy that specific thing and that's it,

And then the parents have some control,

But they still allow people to give them something right.

And then with kids is way more powerful to offer.

Take them away for a night,

Take them away for a weekend.

Take them swimming,

Take them rock climbing,

Take them for a bike ride,

Take them skiing,

Do an activity with them,

Spend time with them that's way more powerful than than giving them a toy.

Okay,

So conversations around that is really really powerful,

And it can really change the dynamic of how you guys interact.

So great ideas and yes very true I am working on the boundaries.

These conversations have been hard,

But this is helpful.

Yeah,

Hard,

It is really hard,

Change it hard,

And you being the one who is bringing this up.

It's hard because you are on the spotlight,

And you are,

You are moving something that is going to feel uncomfortable for a lot of people.

You guys feel uncomfortable sometimes talking about gifts with me with us,

And we do this every week,

And you still feel comfortable.

So imagine bringing this topic up with your family members,

And everybody's gonna not expect that this is happening and they probably don't even know how they feel about it,

Because they're probably in the process of life is happening so fast.

I just go with the flow.

But then people regret what they did.

People have financial issues.

People have an abundance of clutter that they have to deal with after Christmas.

And then the next year,

It repeats again.

So that's why it's important to be brave and be the one who starts the conversations.

My family knows I like Bailey's and gifted to me,

I wouldn't say no to Celia so that's a great gift that you love.

It's a gift that is expensive.

And it's a treat for you because you will use it and then it's not crowded right so that's a great example of something that is a treat,

And that people know that they,

But if,

If you say that and then 10 family members come with 10 bottles of Bailey's maybe that's too much right donated to nonprofits in honor of members of family adopted bears at rehab center in.

Yeah,

Amazing.

You know that's good.

That's a great idea,

Like giving giving money away to a charity that you know that person is going to appreciate in their name that's beautiful,

And that's something that it's important presence.

Yes,

Seed presence is one of the best gifts that you can give.

I should politely tell my aunt to just donate the money to the animal shelter I feel sorry for the animals that don't have homes yet.

So yes,

That's a great opportunity for you to,

To have that conversation right.

And,

And again,

For those of you who love giving gifts.

It's a great opportunity for the person who receives the gift to do whatever they want with it.

So,

For example,

If you buy something that is physical,

And you are not sure if they will need it,

Or they will want it.

You can ask for a receipt that is a gift receipt that it doesn't have a price tag on it.

If you don't want to,

And then you can attach that to their to the gift and then you can get give them the option to,

If you don't like it.

You can go to the store,

You can get the money back,

Or you can buy whatever you need,

At least is one more option of you not having to throw away that gift or donate it.

Okay,

So that's an idea for those of you who love giving gifts,

But you don't know if that person is going to appreciate that specific one.

Our family communicated that others will no longer be gift giving,

Only gifts for the kids.

Yeah,

That's something that I have seen happening a lot.

One year the others pick a name out of a hat at Thanksgiving,

And we limited the gift purchase to $50.

Yeah,

There are creative ways to express love through gift giving.

Absolutely.

Susan says,

Amelia,

I have a bad connection.

Did you see my post about bullet point kind reflections and poems to someone as a gift.

Susan,

I think I missed that message.

If you are able to copy and paste it,

I will be happy to read it.

I'm scrolling back and I don't see it.

So do you mind,

Susan,

To send it again please.

I don't think I see it here.

Okay,

Wait,

You can also add humor.

My brother has adopted a tool key vulture.

That's funny,

But my friend just got three of them and they are growing every day and they have three kids so they have a little farm hobby farm,

And we love going there it's always such a great experience.

Amy says this year is easier I think.

I think yes,

Whoa,

The chat is moving fast.

I will not be changing gifts this year if you would like to give me a gift please donate to COVID or choose a course you are passionate about.

Amazing.

So you establish Amy you establish your boundaries there.

And then that's fine.

As for grown children have gotten around and are creating wonderful memories for my father who is a little depressed,

And we are going to read them on Christmas morning to Christmas music.

Yeah,

That's that's beautiful Susan.

That's amazing.

So you are doing a beautiful experience.

So,

Two years ago guys,

Two or three years ago,

Like Samantha my wife,

She brought up the idea of guys this year instead of doing gifts,

We're going to do a storytelling.

Okay,

So each person is going to prepare a 10 to 15 minute storytelling.

They can have a PowerPoint presentation if they want.

You can do whatever you want.

And then we're going to just share that,

And everybody's going to have 10 to 15 minutes to share whatever you want right.

And we did that,

And guys,

Let me tell you,

It was amazing.

One person did a photo shoot of a trip that they took to Europe.

Amazing and they were telling stories of every place they went with pictures and we all were laughing at all the experiences that she had,

Then the other person works for a national park,

And then she made a presentation about the impact of like,

When you wash plastic clothes,

There are these little balls that kind of getting the dryer and then that ends up in the lake,

And how that's forming like problems in the lakes.

So she explained,

Talk about more of that and strategies to prevent that from happening.

Amazing.

My brother in law,

He talked about the online game that he plays and he's a master whatever I'm not really aware of,

Like,

What he does really it's very like a,

It's a nice online game and he has a worldwide community that he plays.

He was talking about his adventure in that specific game.

So,

I talked about how I met Samantha in New Zealand and we just share some photos and it was beautiful so that's something that you can guys give it a try.

And it's something that is similar to what Susan did.

It's just creating an experience sharing memories connection time right quality time that doesn't involve stuff doesn't involve buying gifts doesn't involve it only involves your intention.

So that's something that you guys can explore.

Yeah,

Sharing stories people loved it.

We haven't been doing it every year and now with COVID Of course we don't get together like Christmas still,

But it was beautiful and we loved it.

Another thing that I have seen is like people use technology to make intentional gifts more,

More,

More intentional right,

And especially for kids because I agree many families they have agreed that others don't have to exchange gifts,

If they don't want to,

But kids still get gifts,

And sometimes they get too many because there is no organization around what's buying what.

So the parents will make will create a Google document or something that they can share,

And then people go to that document to that link,

And they will write down,

I'm getting this or I'm getting that.

And then what that does is that the parents are intentional about that specific list.

If they want to buy something expensive,

They will just write,

Please donate for this specific item,

And then when we have this many this much money we can buy that item,

And you will be named,

Or I need,

I don't know,

A notebook I need a pair of skates I need,

Whatever.

So you made a list and then everybody will choose I'm gonna buy this and they will put their name there.

So everybody else will know,

Okay Susan is buying this.

Peter is buying that,

So I can buy this.

And then when that's done,

It's done,

And they don't buy anything else.

So that's a great way for parents to still have control over what their kids are getting,

Because gifts is so important,

You are teaching kids values you are teaching kids that they need to work hard to deserve gifts,

It's not just an abundance of stuff flowing their way.

Sometimes there is a lot of education behind what they will get at Christmas right.

And I remember my parents working really hard,

Teaching us you have to study you need to do this you need to do that and if you are good,

And you do all these things and you are responsible,

Then you maybe will get this.

And I remember an uncle came and he just bought me that.

And my dad was like,

Why are you buying this,

I worked so hard with him,

And now he doesn't appreciate anything he won't do the work right.

So that's a great example on how my parents had a conversation with them and told them please do not buy gifts without consulting us because gifts is a part of our education for our kids.

Okay,

So that's just one example of how you can do it.

How can people who think they are not deserving of gifts work on being more open to receiving?

Yes,

That's a great question.

And that has to do with self worth,

Self love,

Accepting who you are and accepting that you deserve love from people because gifts are intentional time that people spend towards you.

That's basically what it is right.

Sometimes there is a physical object as a representation but sometimes it's a,

It's a touch sometimes it's a letter,

Sometimes could be a meal that they made for you sometimes could be a coupon to take care of your children and give you time,

Sometimes can be a massage.

So,

That love.

Sometimes we have a hard time saying,

Oh,

I accepted with gratitude,

It's like,

Oh,

Really,

I don't know if I deserve this.

Why are you doing this and I don't know if I'm good enough to risk.

So there is a lot of self care work that you can do around that.

I don't know if you know yes but I do have a couple,

Three courses on Inside Time It and one of them is about self care and self love.

So it's a 14 day course that you can take a 10 day course or anything the self care is,

And I share with you a lot of strategies to like nurture that self love so that we can start accepting more of that love from others.

But yeah,

This is something that we all have in some sort of some way,

Like sometimes receiving feels uncomfortable receiving love is like,

Oh,

This is weird.

And it shouldn't be that way it should be like give it to me.

I accept everything that you have and I give as much as I can to you know what I mean it should be that beautiful and that easy but sometimes it is not.

And it's normal we all face that.

So,

Okay,

Let me see the chat hearts,

You hold hips helps migrant farmers,

You can donate a warm coat.

Yeah,

So you can donate stuff to two farmers like a boot,

Gloves coat.

Yeah,

That's an amazing idea.

So my friend says mother every year has a biblical play she brought about Jesus.

Everyone has to play a role in the script I'm not Christian my family is black and Muslim.

His family is also very racist I told my friends say I will not be going anymore.

He totally supports me and communicated with them that so that that's a great example of.

Thank you for sharing Amy.

That's a great example of boundaries right like,

Especially when it comes to specific religion so or traditions.

There is,

There is a way of being curious about it but there is also a way of not imposing to do something that people maybe not feel calm,

Don't feel comfortable doing.

And it's important to voice yourself in those situations to say I don't really feel comfortable doing that.

And maybe you don't know why but that's how you feel right now right.

And it should be respected right and the other way around to things and I will look into your workshop my doctor said I have to work on self steam and self love.

Thanks for answering.

Yeah,

Yes.

And that's why I created the,

That was the first course that I created actually,

And you will learn different practices that you can do there on a daily basis.

Very simple ones that is some breathing there is some mirror work.

There is some affirmations there is some like lots of ideas that then you can pick and choose the ones that feel good to you.

And then you can start progressing in that in just loving yourself more because why don't you love yourself.

There is some stuff that you need to explore.

There are some beliefs that were formed,

Probably when you were a child of how you interpret the world,

What love meant to you,

How you receive love when you were little,

How you saw adults interacting love otherwise how they gave and receive love them what was normal what wasn't.

So you created a blueprint that you are following now.

And sometimes we don't question that but sometimes it's important to question like,

Is that really true.

Is this feeling that I have that created what was created because of that belief.

Is it really true is it really necessary Can I change it.

And sometimes you can.

But you can start becoming aware of it,

And then changing the dynamic,

But because there is a lot of inertia happening,

You've been repeating the same pattern for like years decades,

Most likely,

It just takes time to like become aware identify when that showing up,

And then shining the light and then be compassionate with yourself,

And then just keep working at changing those beliefs,

So that you can receive more love that you can love yourself more.

And that takes a little bit of time but it just takes practice.

Okay.

So,

Jumping.

Jumping off happy holidays everyone.

Thank you so much for joining.

I hope you have an amazing holiday.

Amy Yes,

The second course is very much about self love to more than you think try both of them.

Yeah,

So they,

So I have three courses Okay,

One is about self care.

One is about embracing minimalism in your life,

But I always take a very holistic approach when I'm teaching you stuff about how to live more intentionally how to get organized time management meal planning finances.

I always attach the,

The mental and emotional aspect to it,

Because that's what really drives us humans.

We are driven by our emotions,

By how we feel how we think how we interact with with our environment,

Socially speaking family wise speaking,

And physically speaking.

So that's why that course will help you embrace minimalism that philosophy in every area of your life,

So that you can bring more intention,

And you can declutter every area of your life not only the physical but also the emotions and the mental and the time.

And then the last course that I created this about helping you create your clutter free home.

Because when you are practicing self care.

One of the main human basic needs is shelter,

Shelter is the place where you live.

And if you don't feel comfortable,

If you don't feel safe in your home,

Because it's clatter because it's not.

It doesn't feel it doesn't make you feel good.

It's very difficult to practice self care it's very difficult to like be intentional.

Okay,

And be efficient and do the things that you want to do.

That's why creating a physical environment that supports you and supports the person that you want to become is so important.

So the combination of those three courses will give you a very good overview of things that you can work on in 2022.

And also like I am running two workshops in January and February.

Okay,

You can check them on my profile,

There is a workshop stop.

If you want to do something like this but more in depth,

And we're going to be in video so you can really share,

And I can ask you real questions.

It's gonna be way deeper than what we are doing here so if you guys are interested in joining my workshop,

It's filling up,

So don't wait too,

Too long if you are interested,

Because I don't know how many spots are left,

It doesn't show anymore so I don't really know.

But I know that it's gonna be really good I'm going to give my best.

And I know that many of you guys can benefit from diving deeper.

Okay,

You guys are ready.

So,

Explore that idea too.

I understand that Becca very hard to get out of that,

But doable.

So my family attaches drama to their giving.

They expect an overjoyed response and I don't prefer to act falsely.

So that's a,

That's a great example of people giving gifts and having expectations.

Okay.

And this is really hard because when they do have expectations from you.

And as you say you don't really feel that.

So you have to either fake it,

Or you are going to disappoint them.

So doesn't matter what you do.

It's gonna be,

It's gonna be not healthy for both parties because if you fake it,

You are going to be in conflict with yourself,

You,

You are going to be out of alignment in how you feel,

Right.

If you don't fake it,

You know that they are going to be disappointed at you,

And then you have to deal with that.

So when it comes to these kind of cases.

I know it's difficult but sometimes having a conversation or finding a way to communicate your needs is really important.

And they can be some disappointment at the beginning I agree with that,

Because you are changing something that is has been happening for probably years right,

And they don't really understand why you are doing this,

But if you come out of it from a place of connection,

Empathy,

Respectful,

And you just share how you truly feel and how that dynamic makes you feel and why you are choosing not to maybe give gifts,

When you can really be honest,

Hundred percent.

Two things can happen.

They can be upset at you and leave.

But if they really love you they will understand and they will come around.

Maybe not this year,

But maybe next year.

And it's something that you have to have conversations around it.

And guys,

Sometimes change is not easy.

Change is difficult,

And you guys are here,

You guys are aware you guys are open minded you guys are ready to try something different you are ready to explore ideas,

You are willing to explore ideas.

So many other people they don't come to inside timer,

They are not,

They are not even questioning anything.

So when you come with something like this.

Their whole world is rocked.

It's like,

Oh,

What's happening here.

This is Christmas,

We are supposed to give and receive.

Maybe they don't even take the time to reflect about how they feel about giving and receiving.

Okay.

So,

Again,

How is that affecting you.

Just think about that and maybe you can phrase it like,

When you come home,

And you give me a gift that I don't need.

After me working really hard to declare my home.

And then I have clarity that I have to deal with again.

And then I also sense that you have expectations from me to behave a specific way that I don't feel it makes me feel very uncomfortable,

Because right now,

I mean a place in my life that gives are not necessary,

Or at least physical gifts.

And if you really want to give me a gift.

I will really appreciate if you.

Ask me first maybe ask me what I need or,

I don't know,

You have to find your own words.

You have to find your own way of communicating that in a way that is respectful in a way that is polite in a way that these uplifting is giving them options.

And I know it's not easy to find the word sometimes.

And I know that emotions gets on the way,

But maybe spreading them a letter,

And then after having a conversation.

Maybe it's recording a video if they are video people,

Maybe it's recording an audio.

I don't know whatever method you feel they will receive best.

Try that.

Okay,

I understand that Becca very hard to get out of that but doable.

So Nicole,

It seems that have you have you done anything similar that that has worked for you and maybe Becca can benefit from.

I sense that from your message I would love if you want to share more.

Just your,

Your take or maybe what you did to change that dynamic because I'm pretty sure everybody here will benefit from that.

And guys,

I invite you to participate in the chat in the form that if you have done anything in the past,

That has worked for you and you will get a better dynamic with your family when it comes to gifts.

If you have any strategies that you like and enjoy,

Please share them in the chat because we are here in this together.

And we all get ideas from each other.

Okay,

So,

Emilio How do we DM you,

Amy,

I don't know if Inside Timer has that feature.

I don't know if you can direct message me.

I go to my profile link.

So you go to my profile on Inside Timer and you go to the About page.

Okay,

And then there is a link in there if you click in there that will take you to my website and then you have different ways of,

Of connecting with me there,

But here in Inside Timer I don't really know.

I don't really think you can message me,

Unless you do it on the course classroom.

And then I can respond to that but in here I don't know how you can do it.

So a lot of this discussion I feel is about expectations,

How do we stay in our integrity and communicate boundaries lovingly.

Yeah,

Amy that that's the that's the true purpose here of this conversation today.

How can we communicate clearly our needs in a way that is not offensive in a way that feels good,

And in a way that everybody else will understand.

And it's not easy.

I know it's not easy,

But it is doable.

And if any one of you have done it in the past,

Please share how you did it and what your experience was about that.

My father used to give me gifts and say,

And don't give me this to somebody,

Don't give this to somebody else.

We never saw eye to eye on this,

But now he has Alzheimer's.

It's put so much into perspective.

Yeah,

So that that's another example of someone giving you a gift and say,

I'm giving you this but you cannot give it to anyone you have to keep it forever.

Why you,

You can set your boundaries there,

And you can say listen.

That's what we did with our family.

We tried to stop you from buying things to us that we don't need.

We understand that truly you find a lot of joy on doing this activity.

So,

We will really appreciate if you can give us the receipt so that we can take it back.

And if that's not an option because it's a final sale.

We will appreciate if you give us the opportunity to decide what to do with it.

It is our choice.

Once you have given us the gift is not yours anymore.

I don't want any expectations,

Because if you do have expectations,

I want you to take the gift back with you,

Because I don't want to have,

I don't want to be responsible for that.

And if I don't have a use for it.

I will be,

I will be doing a disservice to you and your loft that you put into this case by keeping it with no intention.

Just sitting on a shelf collecting dust.

I rather someone else will enjoy that rather than me because I cannot.

So that's how I phrased it at that time.

And I say I really love you thinking of me I really love you buying things for me I really appreciate it.

You know that I don't need anything.

And you know that if I need something I will let you know.

But if you still need to buy things because you love the experience,

I okay,

I'm okay with that I respect it.

I'm not gonna like be upset about it anymore.

But I don't want you to have expectations for me.

And then just lay everything clearly so that they understand and they can choose whatever they want to do.

And the first time it may sound like wow this is very rude,

But if you say from a place of love from a place of like connection from a place of grounded with yourself and you have really thought about it.

I think it will come out in a way that that is is respectful.

Yeah,

Then the stories.

So Deborah says I do.

I do all these things to learn and grow and to find a way practice of care some things feel good some just don't seem to be helping.

One cannot do everything because there isn't enough time.

It's hard to know what to give up because I feel like this.

This works for so many people and should work for me.

So Deborah,

I'm not really sure what you are referring to,

But there are many different strategies that may work for some people,

And may not work for others.

That's why every time I do a course,

I always try to give lots of entry points that I have seen that have work for people,

But I can tell you that every person is unique,

Every person has different personality different needs,

And the entry point to get stuff done to create change is going to be different.

The motivation from every person are going to be different.

That's why it takes a little bit of work to figure out which one is going to work for you,

Which one is going to inspire you to keep going.

And that's one of the things that you guys have to keep in mind is not about the strategy itself,

Because we all know what we should be doing right,

But the things that we don't do it.

Because there is a lack of motivation,

Because there is a lack of drive,

There is a lack of,

There is a lack of something inside us that will push us to do it in a good way.

So finding that thing that is going to push us in a good way that's our work,

Because the strategy itself the step by step.

We all know how that looks like.

Okay.

If we want to lose weight we all know what we can do we can eat less we can do exercise more,

But the thing is that we have to actually do it in a way that feels good to us.

Same with self care,

Same with decluttering your home.

Same with being better at time management.

Same with everything right.

So Nicole says,

I'm still in the dynamic of my grandparents giving me candy for Christmas,

And I have expressed that I don't even eat candy.

They still give it.

They still give it is just something I have come to accept as tradition.

Nicole,

This is a great example on how most likely your grandparents have done that for such a long time that maybe they are not even.

Maybe they are not don't have the capacity to change that anymore.

Maybe that's something that they just truly have in their heart.

They have associated love connection,

Everything to that act of giving you candy.

And for them,

Stopping that will feel like they don't love you anymore.

Like,

You know what I mean there is a huge connection there with the giving of candy with with how they feel and the environment that it sets.

And I know it may sound silly but maybe your work is to accept that with love,

To know that they are how old they are,

That maybe they don't want to change so they cannot change.

And it's not worth for you to be upset about it anymore because you have tried your best to communicate and maybe didn't work.

So maybe your work is to like accept that with love,

Love them for what they have done for you and then give those candy to someone that can eat them.

And that's it right like sometimes that's the solution I know every situation is different.

Okay.

But sometimes that's,

That's just the way to go,

Because things won't change how we would like them to change.

They will be in a specific way that maybe it's not what we would like them to be.

But it's what they are.

Something important to mention I am in recovery from bulimia and alcoholism for over a decade I needed to live to go to 12 step meetings on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I could only attend for an hour or two I cannot sit in a small room cluttered with food and alcohol everywhere.

Yeah,

That's that's a great reality,

And my wife Samantha she's been sober for 10 years but alcohol was a huge presence in her life.

Now she doesn't care that much.

But before,

Like just imagine that you are trying to like overcome these,

And then you are surrounded by alcohol everywhere you go,

And that's the activity that everybody does.

How easy it is for her to like stay sober if,

If that's what she's surrounded with right.

So that's another thing that's a great example of intentionality when you are creating a party when you are inviting people,

And they're standing what people are going through understanding what people are working through.

Some people are decluttering their homes so people are trying to stop drinking some people are trying to lose weight,

Some people are trying to have healthy communication with their family members.

So,

These deep conversations,

If they don't happen.

You're gonna enter dynamics that are gonna feel weird they're gonna feel out of alignment.

And it is also your job to communicate what you are doing,

Because when you communicate what you are doing what you're working towards,

Why you are doing the things you are doing,

You are giving other people the opportunity to do the same thing.

Okay,

So sometimes you people are here on Inside Timer,

You have the energy you have the time,

You have the intention.

Maybe it is your job to start that maybe it is your job to start the conversation maybe it is your job to model,

How to do it for other people.

Because when you do it,

Guess what other people are gonna feel.

Oh,

Okay,

That sounds good.

That's an idea that maybe we can explore,

And I've seen her or him doing it so I can do the same thing,

And then all of a sudden it will become the new reality for a lot of people,

And everything changed because of you.

Everything changed because you chose to take action right.

So keep that in mind.

It is our job to share what we are doing.

And it is our job to help other give other people the opportunity to do that too.

What to do if you don't receive a note of thanks,

Or no,

Even if family member received the gift.

So,

Lenore,

You are having expectations here,

Aren't you.

When you give a gift.

You shouldn't expect anything in return,

If you are expecting a thank you card if you're expecting someone to,

To tell you something.

I mean you can call them and ask,

Hey,

How are you guys doing and probably they will bring it up.

But again,

This is something that sometimes you shouldn't expect anything you just give the gift,

And then once it's done,

It's done.

And then just make sure that they received it for sure but sometimes people don't take the time to write thank you notes,

Or sometime,

I don't know,

They don't,

They are overwhelmed,

I don't,

I don't know,

You can check in with them I guess.

I feel like we have a lot in common.

Send me a message if you would like I will offer you my phone number.

So there are so many wonderful teachers and ideas here on insight.

I love your energy Amelia I can tell you come from the heart and trying to find my place here.

That's wonderful Deborah and yeah inside time has amazing people here.

Lots of different communities.

So that's why it's important to really understand what are you at now.

Okay,

And what is your entry point,

What are you trying to change what are you trying to tweak in your life.

What would you like more of less of.

So connect with yourself,

Gain clarity,

Become aware,

And then explore different communities explore different teachers,

And every teacher is going to come at the right time for you.

Okay,

Maybe I'm here because you have to learn something from this community,

And maybe next month you find a different community that aligns more with what you need and want.

So this is an ongoing process that that is going to be beautiful and when you are open and ready.

The right people are going to show up the right course is going to show up the right track is going to show up for you.

And you just have to receive it.

So I hope that you keep exploring here.

I do lives,

Twice a week.

So feel free to come to my life if you feel inspired to and you're getting value,

But also explore all their ideas,

All their topics,

And depending what you're trying to change.

You may find a different teacher that maybe they do exactly what you need right now.

And that's what I like from inside timer,

I take a lot of courses from here too.

I'm always learning,

And I love it.

Thank you,

Amy I thought I did you are amazing.

Sometimes we have to work on empathy,

Understanding why gift giving is so important to the other person,

Even if it's not important for us.

Yeah,

That's why I was,

I always invite people to put yourself in the other person's shoes,

Try to understand why are they doing what they are doing.

Okay,

Why are they choosing to do what they are choosing to do,

And just be curious,

And just understand why is that what's behind that behavior.

And then you will start to understand the other person more,

You will start to ask better questions,

And the other person is going to also feel honor because you are dedicating your time and energy to understand that person more.

I'm in the same situation as your wife my family drinks,

Till they are laying on the kitchen floor and I don't drink and I don't want to.

So Deborah.

One of the strategies that we used now not anymore because honestly we don't hang out with people who do that.

But before we used to go to parties with people.

And then we always say we're going to come for an hour or two.

And then we have to go.

Why because the first hour people are not wasted right and then we were having conversations and we were having a good time.

We normally had had a meal.

But then when people started to be on the.

They just couldn't speak very,

And they were just kind of like,

That's when we will live.

Okay.

And then what happened over time,

Honestly like.

I think when you choose to change your environment is going to change.

And I think that's what happened to us.

People who do those things,

They stopped inviting us when they were doing that thing because they knew that we didn't fit there.

And a lot of people feel uncomfortable with our presence,

Especially with Samantha's presence because they knew her as a drinker.

And now she's not a drinker,

But she still has a great time without drinking.

And a lot of people deep inside they are jealous.

A lot of people deep inside Samantha's a reminder of something that they could be doing,

But they are not doing.

So it's a trigger.

Okay.

And that happened.

I witnessed that with a lot of her friends that they just couldn't understand why she didn't drink and they were forcing her to drink.

And they just couldn't accept it.

And I was thinking like,

Wow,

Like,

So we are here.

Samantha is so open minded,

She's willing to take care of whatever she's willing to be here,

Even when people are drinking a lot.

She's not forcing anyone to do anything she's not promoting not not drinking at all.

She's not.

She's just sharing her own journey when people ask her and that's it.

And people still were triggered.

So you have to set your boundaries and then you have to find a balance that works for you.

And maybe that's to show up for the dinner to have food with them.

And when things get out of control,

Just leave do something else.

That's what I would recommend you do.

If you can just one more note on sobriety if someone says no to offering food or alcohol don't push or ask questions just connect through meaningful conversation.

Yeah.

Again,

Be curious about,

Oh,

So why don't you drink,

And some people are really nice because it's like,

Oh wow so you don't drink anymore.

Oh wow and how did you do it right so they are drinking wine or beer or,

And the why would love to do that but I just can't right now but I would love to do that so brave of you.

So,

That's a great example of like,

They are respecting her.

They are doing their own thing,

But they are not blaming her they are not making her feel bad they don't need to control her,

Or what she does,

And they are not feeling triggered by it.

You know what I mean so try to be empathetic with other people.

And whatever you choose to do is your reality is what you want,

But it is not what everybody else,

Else's one or needs right.

When I became a little disheartened with gift purchasing that fell a little wasteful and did not feel mindful to me.

I presented a new option I take all the kids to the thrift store.

We draw names ahead of time,

Everyone has to be thoughtful and thrifty and there is time limit,

It feels really fun and low stress.

Yeah,

So this is a great activity that you created for kids and that's awesome.

It's a,

It's a great way to include them in the process.

Put some limitations,

Make it playful.

I love it.

I'm pretty sure they had a great time,

I will have a great time doing that and I'm like 42 years old so can I join next time.

Deborah says and they actually tried to get me to join in,

Even after 10 plus years.

So Deborah,

I honestly feel that you need to have,

You need to have an honest conversation with with your family members.

I think they don't understand what you are going through.

I don't think they understand how hard you work at your choice.

And I don't think they are respecting you.

Maybe they don't even know how to respect you.

That's why I'm saying maybe you need to have an honest conversation that says,

Guys,

I love being with you.

But when you guys are drinking and you are forcing me to drink and you're making me,

Making me feel bad.

I just feel very uncomfortable,

And I feel out of alignment with myself,

And I don't know what to do.

What do you guys what would you guys do in my situation,

And then start a conversation,

A deeper conversation that hopefully will lead into finding the happy balance for all parties,

Hopefully.

Okay.

And if they are not willing to do that,

Then you need to set healthy boundaries in a way that is not that you don't want to see them anymore but maybe you just limit how much time you are spending with them.

Maybe you just stay at the beginning when they are not wasted and then when they are wasted you just leave,

Or maybe,

Maybe you invite them to your home,

And then you limit how much alcohol is in there,

I don't know,

Just be creative about how you want to handle this.

Amy makes a great point Emilio,

It is our job to communicate with the giver about the reason.

Yeah,

It is actually.

So Amy says my sobriety I'm 15 years sober,

It is something that will never be comfortable for me.

Yeah.

All the grown ups have started to join in the fun.

Yeah,

Carry I can imagine.

I have never been able to do that but it's a great idea.

Yeah,

Last time I stayed too long.

Yeah,

Deborah,

And it's okay you are doing your best okay you are doing the best that you can.

So now you have another idea in mind,

Okay,

I'm gonna try to maybe limit my stay.

I'm gonna try to maybe bring up a conversation prior to the meeting,

So that people respect me more,

Or maybe,

Maybe you make it playful and then you make a hat and then in the hat says,

I've been 10 years sober,

I am proud of it,

And I don't want to drink.

No thank you,

And a smiley face,

Make something that will make people laugh,

And they will respect you because you made them laugh.

I don't know try something,

Whatever comes to mind but sometimes you have to get out of the normal standard way and just get people out of their comfort zone,

Get people awake like,

Why are you wearing a hat.

What is the hat saying you know what I mean like sometimes doing something playful and different will wake people up,

And maybe they will become aware of like,

Oh wow.

I had no idea that you were feeling this way I'm really sorry I was doing that to you.

You know what I mean maybe you spark that on people.

So,

You never know what's going to happen until you start trying something different.

There is some kind of rule that I need to be easy going.

Deborah great opportunity to understand what is that rule about what does being easy going mean,

And maybe being easy going for you now.

It's different than what used to mean before.

Maybe you need to change that belief now because you have the power to change how you present yourself,

What you accept what you don't accept,

You have the power to set healthy boundaries in a way that feels good to you and still be respectful to others,

And you have the ability to communicate clearly your needs.

So,

If you cannot because you are feeling specific things,

Start questioning the beliefs behind that.

This is something that I will teach you in the course self care course if you want to enroll in it,

How to find the beliefs that are making feel the way we are feeling,

And how to question them,

And how to start creating different ones that are more empowering that are more aligned with who we want to become.

Okay,

So who do you want to become.

Deborah,

Who do you want to become.

And how will that person behave in that situation.

Start thinking about that.

And then you will start finding clarity about your options and start testing things just to,

To see what happens right.

It actually causes me a lot of problems.

So,

Again,

There is a big opportunity to to do something deep in there,

Something that is going to change the way that you interact with other people.

And it's going to change your reality.

When you start making changes inside of you,

The reality around you is going to change the interactions that you're having with people are going to change,

And the people that you surround with are going to change.

So,

You have the option of doing that.

But you have to start by looking inside,

By really understanding why am I feeling this way,

Why do I need to be easy going,

Who told me that.

Is it true.

What's an option for me.

So this is something our colleagues in recovery really get call me.

We need to talk to each other.

Thank you,

Amy.

Maybe it's a business to make those hats.

Honestly,

Deborah sometimes when you need change in your life when you need someone to really understand how you feel,

And they are just not getting it doing the same thing or nobody's not going to get out of the dynamic is not going to wake them up.

If you do something funny something that is so different that they just have to kind of stop what they're doing and say,

What's happening here is like you take them and you kind of shake them and they're like,

Oh,

Okay,

Now I get it.

So you can do that by being playful.

And sometimes that's what people need.

Just that experience that emotion of like you make them laugh,

You touch their heart in a way that it's true.

It's,

It's intentional.

It's different.

And then they get it.

Okay,

I mean,

You have all the answers and great examples you have sure Thank you.

Thank you so much hard for for being here.

I'm just sharing whatever it's coming to me.

Hopefully,

It's good.

Yeah,

Time is over guys.

Yeah,

Yes as well this conversation has been eye opening to me I have learned a lot from you and everyone commenting thanks everyone.

Thank you.

Yes.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you,

Lenore,

For being here.

I invite you guys to explore.

Explore any ideas that you got from this conversation in your day to day and family dynamics when it comes to gifts.

I invite you to read the love language about the people who are their love languages to receive gifts and to give gifts and really understand what about the object is about the intention about the time about the love that we put behind that detail that give that they give can be a note,

Delete the gift can be anything.

This has to be only physical things it can be cooking a great meal.

It can be preparing a bath,

It can be anything that the other person is going to appreciate.

Okay.

Thank you everyone.

Thank you,

Amy.

I feel like I had yagged the chart and I need to go.

Thank you so much Deborah for for sharing.

Today you were the spotlight for a little bit and that's okay.

I'm glad that you were able to share and hopefully you got value and hopefully you can get started doing something different.

Yeah,

No one hijacks this is a community open for everybody and those of you who are able to own the space they will get more value out of it.

That's the way it is.

So own your space guys.

Another strategy my boyfriend and I use.

We tend to work or volunteer at shelters on holidays which allows us to set boundaries on family dynamics gatherings.

We don't want to judge others but prefer to celebrate in our own way.

Amazing.

That's amazing Kerry so you find a way to do something that you love,

And then family accepts the way that you do because you're doing something that they understand.

And they understand that you are not coming because you are volunteering so you have a win win situation here that is working for all of you.

Beautiful.

So guys,

Thank you so much for being here,

I will see you on Thursday.

Same time same place.

Okay,

And until then,

Have an amazing rest of the day.

And I will see you in a couple of days.

Okay.

Adios.

Reviews

Wow this is a great perspective shifting listen💜🙏💜 thank you Emilio xxx As an empathic gift-giver the ‘expectation’ in my delivery of Love has invited disappointment and hurt - for both recipient and giver… this has definitely grasped my curiosity with my ‘intention’ in giving and why I feel disappointed when it’s not receiwed as intended… from my own assumption!!! Hhhhhmmmmm xxx thank you xxx
💜🦋🌈🦋💜
and you net Sansntha in NZ!!! WOW - that warms my ‘kiwi-girl’ heart ♥️