Childhood Difficulties With Emotional Immature Parents (1/7)

In this part #1 of a series of the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, we are going to assess our childhood difficulties with an emotionally immature parent and become aware of the impact that those difficulties had on our lives. Emotional Immaturity shows up in relationships (with ourselves and with others) and it impacts every area of our lives.

Let's become aware of these difficulties so that we can get started healing them. The goal is not to blame, but to be very compassionate, accept, forgive, and heal this generational trauma so that we don't continue passing it along to future generations. I can't wait to share time with you!

Transcript

Welcome to the part number one of a series,

A series on the book,

A book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,

Okay,

By Lindsay C.

Gibson.

Today we're going to be talking about assessing your childhood difficulties with an emotionally immature parent.

So this is a really nice book.

When I was in Spain last year,

My wife,

Samantha,

Got this book recommended by a friend.

And then we both listened to the book,

To the audio version of the book,

And I really enjoyed it so much.

And Samantha also saw herself reflected in many,

Many dynamics.

And I found that this book is gold.

It has a lot of dynamics that we,

A majority of us,

Are going to relate to.

So I'm really,

Really happy to bring this to you.

I personally want to dive in,

And this is a beautiful excuse for me to do the work,

And to share it with you,

And to have beautiful conversations with all of you.

So yeah,

Thank you so much,

Lindsay.

Such a good book.

I need reminding.

Amazing.

Hi Darcy.

Hi Neha.

Can you please tell me the book name again?

Yeah,

It's called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C.

Gibson.

Okay,

So I hope that you can see the cover here.

I really recommend that you guys read this book or listen to it.

I am going to cover some of the contents of the book,

But it's never the same as reading it at your own pace and really absorbing that's inside the book.

So before we get started,

I want to do a little practice to ease into the session,

Because this can be a very heavy topic.

So I invite you to come to the session,

Come to the present moment.

If you feel comfortable,

Close your eyes.

Take a couple of deep breaths.

And let's just transition into this session together.

Let's create a safe container,

A safe space for us to receive.

Okay.

And before we get started,

I really want to invite you,

All of you,

And I include myself here,

To be very gentle with yourself,

Very gentle with your parent or parents,

If you've seen them reflected,

And any person that comes to mind when we are going through this assessment.

Okay.

The intention of this session,

The intention of this book,

It is not to blame.

It is not to criticize.

It is not to be pointing fingers at anyone.

Okay.

The intention of this session,

My intention for this session is to become aware.

Become aware of dynamics.

Become aware of behaviors.

Become aware of habits.

Become aware of ways that may be we show up as parents to our children.

I am a father.

So when I was doing the assessment,

I saw myself reflected.

So it's very important to be compassionate and gentle with yourself,

And also with your parents.

When I did the assessment,

I saw a lot of behaviors from my parents that I experienced when I was little.

And I understand that they did the best they could.

I understand that they were raised a specific way.

And we are all victims of victims.

We are all doing the best we can.

And we just do the best we can with the consciousness and awareness that we have in the present moment.

And sometimes we make mistakes.

Sometimes we go places that we regret after.

And many times it is not intentional.

Many times we don't know better at that time.

So this is an opportunity for all of us to raise our consciousness,

To become aware,

But always with compassion,

Always with forgiveness,

And always with a willingness to just become better and be more understanding.

And hopefully use this information in a positive way.

Okay?

So for all of you who are new,

Who just joined,

We are going to cover the topics of this book.

The book is called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lynn C.

C.

Gibson.

And I was just saying how important it is to set the intention that the assessment that we are about to do,

The intention is not to blame,

To criticize,

To find guilty people,

Or to be really hard on ourselves.

The intention is to become aware.

Okay?

Some of you may relate to being the parent,

The immature parent to our children.

Some of you may relate to being the child of an immature parent.

Some of you may relate with both.

I relate with both.

I'm a father of a five-year-old,

And I am also a son,

And my parents are still alive,

And some dynamics are still going on.

Okay?

So,

Ah,

Our parents just survived so we could thrive.

Yeah,

That's beautiful,

Laurette.

Our parents just survived so that we could thrive.

There is a beautiful reflection.

Yeah,

I went to a community gathering the other day,

And they were talking about visualizing how many shoulders are below us and how many shoulders are above us.

So,

Meaning how many people,

How many ancestors,

How many generations,

However you want to call it,

Are supporting us.

Thanks to them,

We are here.

So,

Basically,

We are standing on their shoulders.

They are holding us.

And how many are we holding ourselves?

And it's really nice to visualize that because we are the result of all the shoulders that have been holding our past generations,

And we are going to be holding the future generations.

So,

Today's an opportunity for us to increase our consciousness,

Increase our awareness,

And stop generational trauma that has been passed from generation to generation.

And we have the opportunity to be here.

We have the opportunity to have the internet.

We have the opportunity to have inside timer,

To be connected,

And to have a group of people to discuss,

And to have a beautiful author of a book that has written about this specific topic.

My parents didn't have any of that.

So,

Are you guys ready to start the assessment?

The assessment is called Assessing Your Childhood Difficulties with an Emotionally Immature Parent.

Okay?

BD says,

One thing I learned that struck me forever was when Maya Angelou said that her mother was a horrible mother of babies and children,

But a fantastic mother of high school age and young adults.

Amazing.

Yeah.

So,

Maybe that was her superpower,

Right?

And that's what happens.

We are good at what we are good at,

And we may not know what to do in other areas.

Okay?

So,

Are you guys ready to get started with the assessment?

Oh,

Well,

Take a deep breath,

And let's get started.

Okay?

So,

I want you to listen to this just in your mind,

Or you can also write it down if you want,

Like if it's a yes or a no,

But just keep in mind if you see yourself reflected here.

Okay?

And again,

This can be you as a child,

But maybe you also see yourself as the father,

The parent.

Okay?

In my case,

I am both sometimes.

So,

Just keep that in mind.

Okay?

So,

The first one,

I didn't feel listened to.

I rarely received my parents' full attention.

Okay?

My parents' moods affected the whole household.

That was number two.

My parents' moods affected the whole household.

Okay?

Listen to this,

And then see how they land on you.

If you have a question,

If you want to share something,

Use the chat.

I am going to be monitoring the chat,

And we can discuss further.

Okay?

Lorette says,

Oh my God,

This is so accurate.

So,

Lorette,

You see yourself reflected here.

Yeah.

So,

Number one was,

I didn't feel listened to.

I rarely received my parents' full attention.

And number two is,

My parents' moods affected the whole household.

You're not in problems.

Yes.

One,

Try to control with rage and passive aggressiveness.

Amazing.

So,

It's important.

Thank you so much,

Iris.

Iris?

Or Iris?

I don't know how you pronounce it.

Thank you for sharing that.

You can take note of what's coming up for you,

Because this can help you start processing deeper stuff too,

And start looking at things that maybe you were not aware of,

Or maybe you forgot,

And they are bubbling up again for you.

And this is an opportunity for you to clear this up,

To become aware of it.

Okay?

Raging alcoholic.

Yeah.

I see you,

Lorette.

Heart pounding.

Yeah.

Number three,

My parent wasn't sensitive to my feelings.

My parent was not sensitive to my feelings.

Next one,

I felt like I should have known what my parent wanted without being told.

I felt like I should have known what my parent wanted without being told.

So,

This one basically is telling you that maybe you had a feeling that you felt like you were not good enough,

Or you should know what you were supposed to do or to say,

Because they didn't communicate,

They didn't share how they were feeling.

You just should know,

And that's not a fair ask,

Because you shouldn't know.

They should share it with you.

Yes,

A bit being taught,

But expected to know.

Yeah.

Hi,

Iga.

Welcome.

Yeah.

So,

Just notice how that felt,

How that feels now,

And how you felt when you were there,

And that was kind of imposed on you.

You were supposed to know.

Like,

What do you do with that?

Especially when you are a little one,

Right?

Next one,

I felt like I could never do enough to make my parent happy.

I felt like I could never do enough to make my parent happy.

I see myself reflected here,

Because my dad's belief was to only point out what I was doing wrong so that I could fix it,

But it wasn't in his DNA to praise me.

So,

To me,

It felt like no matter So,

To me,

It felt like no matter what,

He would only point out what I was doing wrong,

And very little times he would praise me.

But his intention was really good.

He really wanted to support me and make me a better person,

And he thought that that was the way of doing it.

My grandfather was like that,

Too,

So I understand why he followed suit.

So,

Now I see myself as a father doing the same thing to my daughter many times in many areas.

I am aware of it.

My wife also helps me,

And sometimes I catch myself trying to impose that,

Trying to do that,

And I can imagine how my daughter sometimes may feel that way.

It's like,

I don't know what my dad wants.

Nothing I do is enough for him,

Because he only focuses on the one thing I'm doing wrong versus the 100 things that I have done amazingly.

So,

My job is to really praise,

To really pay attention to those things,

And to really put into perspective,

Is it worth it to just point that thing out,

Or can I praise 10 things and then point that thing out?

So,

Just some food for thought.

So,

Let me see the chat.

The never-ending checklist.

Just nothing was ever good enough.

Same here.

My father,

Too.

True intergenerational.

Emilio,

This resonates with me.

I felt I was never seen for who I was.

I was only seen for what I wasn't,

What didn't match up to their expectations.

Yeah,

We're going to talk about that after,

Too.

Fitting into their expectations,

Right?

The comparisons are the beings that hurt the most.

Yeah,

Comparing yourself to someone else.

This resonates with me so much.

So hard to implement.

Yeah,

And again,

Guys,

Don't.

.

.

This is awareness,

Okay?

I also see myself reflected here,

But criticizing yourself,

If you are the parent,

It's not going to solve anything.

It's just better to become aware,

And if you want to,

You can take action on it.

You can have conversations,

You can ask for forgiveness,

You can declare what you are wanting to do,

You can ask for accountability from loved ones so that they can let you know when you are going down that path again.

There are many things you could do if you're willing to ask for help.

Like,

That's what I do with my wife.

I tell her,

Like,

I don't want to be this kind of father.

When I see myself in this dynamic,

I would like you to remind me to do something so that I become aware and I stop.

Because if I'm on it,

It's very difficult for me to be aware of it.

I'm just down the rabbit hole,

And I have to go down and come out.

But if she's there,

She can signal me,

She can ask me to leave,

We can have a word so we can do something about it to break that pattern.

Because it takes a lot of time,

Repetition,

And presence to break a pattern that you have repeated for a long time.

Yeah,

I'm hearing in my head my therapist's suggestions to let go of being the victim.

Yeah,

Becca,

Being the victim removes your power away.

You become powerless,

Right?

When you stop being the victim,

You can then start taking charge of your life again and break those energetic connections to that victimhood.

Sometimes being the victim serves you well.

I become the victim very easily so many times because it is more convenient for me to be the victim than to do something about my life,

Than to lead,

Than to change,

Step up.

It's better to be the victim.

That way I don't have to do anything.

But when I see myself being the victim or when I'm called out because someone has seen that I'm being the victim,

Then I need to rise.

I need to do something different.

And sometimes it's really uncomfortable and anxiety provoking.

So yeah,

I hear you and I see myself reflected there too,

Being a victim.

Yeah,

Hard to let it go.

I still mourn my childhood and I am 40.

Yeah,

Childhood wounds are real and we carry them pretty much all of our lives.

That's why doing inner child work is such an important healing work that we can benefit from a lot.

Jan says,

Lately I'm trying to catch myself before saying critical things to my partner.

I ask myself if I'm trying to say something to connect or to correct.

I like that.

It hurts to realize my parents never said anything to connect with me.

Every word they spoke was to correct me and mold me into their ideal older daughter,

Who is more dormant than human.

Yeah.

And Jan and most likely deep down in their hearts,

Their intention was probably good.

Their intention was to really make the best out of you the way they knew.

But now we are aware that that wasn't the best way to do it.

Right.

Yeah,

I see you.

Somehow I see them as scared children now that they are older.

Scared.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Beautiful comments,

Guys.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Oh,

Take a deep breath.

Ah,

Yeah.

Very heavy topic.

Next one.

I was trying harder to understand my parent than my parent was trying to understand me.

So I was trying harder to understand my parent than my parent was trying to understand me.

Next one.

Open,

Honest communication with my parent was difficult or impossible.

Open,

Honest communication with my parent was difficult or impossible.

Next one.

My parent thought people should play their roles and not deviate from them.

Next one.

My parent thought people should play their roles and not deviate from them.

Yeah,

Lorette says,

To be honest,

I was nervous to attend this.

Yeah,

It makes sense,

Lorette.

It makes total sense.

This is not easy.

This is not easy.

Jan says,

My parents were both parentified,

So I am working through some super ultra parentification.

Becca says,

Me too.

I am glad we are both here.

Yeah,

Guys,

And feel free to disconnect from the session if you feel too triggered.

That's okay.

If you feel too triggered,

That's okay.

I won't be disappointed,

Okay?

I am recording this,

So you can always come back to the recording,

But I understand and it makes sense if this is difficult for you.

One of my teachers said the other day,

Explore your rigidities.

So,

Anytime you find yourself being rigid,

Being a no,

Resisting something,

That is the way through to explore that.

So,

If you guys are feeling something strong,

If you are resisting,

If you are becoming rigid,

Most likely there is something there for you to to learn from,

At least to pay attention to.

You don't have to do everything at once,

But at least you can write in your journal the things that are coming up for you.

It can be a word.

It can be a feeling.

It can be a specific experience that you lived that you need to process or you need to explore deeper.

It can be something that you are craving in your life that you never had.

It can be anything and that's going to signal you where your work is.

This can be inner child work.

This can be communication with your parents.

This can be communication with your children.

This can be learning how to forgive stuff from your life that is preventing you from moving forward.

So,

There are so many things you could do with this information,

But it makes sense that it's hard.

It makes sense that it can feel overwhelming,

Especially if you are on both sides.

For me,

Sometimes I feel like,

Wow,

I just want to cry.

It feels that I am fucking up being a father.

Sometimes it's like,

Oh my god,

Emilio,

You are fucking Eva up.

You are doing all these things that are going to traumatize her.

And at the same time,

I feel that I am on the side of being a son and how I have been traumatized and then trying to process that.

And at the same time,

Trying to be compassionate and forgiving and putting myself in my parents' shoes,

In Eva's shoes,

In my shoes,

And really be empathetic with everyone.

It just takes a lot of energy.

So,

It makes sense.

Work in progress.

Absolutely.

Jen says,

I am over 50 and I am just learning to establish boundaries.

My 16-year-old already knows about them.

And so,

I know I have done okay with him.

That's great,

Jen.

That's great.

Funny story about that.

My mom is working on how to set boundaries.

And Eva is her best teacher.

This past year in Spain,

I remember they would be together and I would notice that my mom wanted to do something.

Maybe she wanted to stop playing a specific game.

Maybe she wanted to just go home.

Maybe she wanted to see,

Watch her show.

Maybe she was tired and she wanted to sit down.

And then I remember that sometimes I was with them and I would observe.

And then Eva,

My daughter,

She's a bossy.

She's like,

She knows what she wants.

She's determined.

She goes for it.

I don't know where she got all that from.

Probably her mom,

Because not from me.

And then I'm noticing that my mom wants to do something,

But she's not able to set a boundary.

And I tell her like,

Mom,

What do you need?

I just,

I'm so tired.

I need to stop.

So just stop.

Just tell Eva.

I just don't want to tell her.

I don't know how to do it.

Just tell her.

Eva,

I am tired.

I need to sit down.

Eva,

I am done for today.

Yaya is going to watch a show and sit on the couch.

And I don't want you to bother me.

I don't want to play with you anymore today.

I'm tired.

She has a hard time doing that.

And she's 67.

Okay.

So it's a fun story.

It's very nice to see them.

I want to cry all the time because this life is too hard.

Yeah.

And I cannot afford them.

It's a lot.

And yes,

I never set boundaries either.

Yeah,

Heather.

So maybe that should work.

Right?

Learn how to set boundaries.

Start exploring how that looks like.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Eva,

Your mom.

Yeah.

It's so amazing.

Honestly,

Eva is such a good teacher.

She just knows how to,

Yeah,

How to put people in her place and how to invite them to set boundaries.

And whoever doesn't set boundaries,

She just bosses them around like crazy.

It's just so fun to watch.

Okay.

Next.

My parent thought people should play.

Oh,

Yeah.

I read that one.

My parent was often intrusive or disrespectful of my privacy.

My parent was often intrusive or disrespectful of my privacy.

Big one.

Yeah.

Jen says,

Emilio,

I see you.

You definitely seem heavier today than your other lives.

So this is hitting you deeply.

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability.

Yeah,

Jen.

It's a really heavy topic.

Because it's a story you can tell if she becomes a mother.

Yeah.

Sometimes she will understand.

Yeah.

So boundaries and privacy is something that is really important.

And sometimes we forget about it as parents.

And sometimes we didn't get that as children either.

So next,

I always felt that my parent thought I was too sensitive and emotional.

I always felt that my parent thought I was too sensitive and emotional.

Like how many of you got,

You are being too much.

I can't deal with this.

How many of you got that?

Yeah.

Sometimes when we are an emotional wreck,

If we are with people who are not able to hold that for us,

It's very uncomfortable,

Right?

It's really,

Really uncomfortable.

So it's easier to say,

You are being too much,

You are being too sensitive,

You are being too whatever,

Because we need to learn how to be with that.

We need to learn how to sit and how to create space and how to let it express.

And there is a beautiful book for children that shows the specific steps that you need to follow when your child is having a tantrum.

And we do this with Eva.

And it works really well.

The book says that you cannot connect when your children is when your children is emotionally dysregulated,

Right?

If you cannot connect,

They are not ready to listen.

They are not ready to receive.

So when Eva has a tantrum or she's sad or she's having blah,

What we do,

Either me or my wife,

Or we both do it or whatever,

Whoever is with her,

We will just come to her head.

We will just sit with her.

We just look at her.

We will just start breathing.

And we will just validate,

Wow,

Eva,

You are really sad.

Eva,

You are so angry.

Yeah,

I can see you.

And then she will start saying,

Slowly,

She will start coming out of that emotionally discharged expression,

Tantrum,

However you want to call it.

And then she will start calming down,

Right?

And then once I notice that she is ready,

I will ask her,

Eva,

Can you look at me?

Or Eva,

Do you want me to be here?

Or do you want to be alone?

It makes sense that you are angry.

What happened?

So I will ask her.

And then once she starts connecting,

That's when we can engage in a conversation.

That's when I can ask what she needs.

Or I can just hold space.

Or what would make you feel better?

Would you like a hug?

Do you want your teddy?

I don't know.

We just find out how to get out of it.

But we allow space for it to flow.

I try not to shut it down.

I just try to let her be.

And that requires so much energy.

Sometimes I just don't want to do it.

Sometimes it's like,

I am done.

I don't have time for this.

I have things to do.

And it's so important to remind ourselves that that's really,

Really important to model.

It's really important to create that space,

Even though sometimes we don't want to.

OK.

How old is she?

She's five.

But we started doing this since she was one or two,

Since she started having tantrums,

Basically,

And started to talk.

OK.

So next one.

My parent played favorites in terms of who got the most attention.

My parent played favorites in terms of who got the most attention.

Yeah.

Next.

My parent stopped listening when he or she didn't like what was being said.

My parent stopped listening when he or she didn't like what was being said.

100% true.

Me being a son,

My father will just leave.

You are being silly and run away.

Walk off me.

What?

I wasn't done.

Me as a father,

Eva comes and she says something that doesn't match what I want.

And sometimes I just want to run away.

Sometimes I do go away.

And I am passive aggressive.

Sometimes I have the capacity to have a conversation and to be flexible.

So I see myself on both ends.

Oh,

My God.

Yes,

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Wow.

So let me see some of the comments that you guys are sharing.

I am definitely older than you,

But I wish you could be my dad.

Well,

Yeah,

I don't know if you would like that because sometimes I can be very grumpy.

I don't know.

I can be fun too.

It's the same with a dog.

When they are barking and carrying on,

They need to feel safe and calming.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Yes,

This all resonates.

At the moment,

My mom and I are in a good place.

It won't last per usual.

Oops,

I lost your comment.

But it is what it is now.

I just listen and stay rooted in my personal power.

It's good practice to hear all of this and to stay present to what is in the moment.

I found myself being so much in the past in my head whenever I was around my mom and realized that even when she was trying to do better,

I was preventing that from happening.

It was a huge awakening.

Yeah,

Beautiful,

BD.

Thank you for sharing.

And the book,

In a future session,

There is some strategies on how to deal with emotionally immature parents and how to create different dynamics,

Even though you know you won't be able to change them.

But you can change your expectations and you can change the way you deal with the dynamics.

So that will happen in a future session,

OK?

It's very hard to parent your children when your partner is unhealed and you guys are not on the same page emotionally.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

I'm really lucky that my wife and I,

We do intentional dialogues.

We get on board.

We hold space for each other.

And it feels really good.

So I can't imagine how difficult it must be if I didn't have a partner or if my partner wasn't on board and we couldn't have clear communication with each other.

I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be.

So,

Yeah,

I see you and it makes total sense.

I'm looking forward to that session.

Thank you,

Emilio.

You are most welcome,

BD.

Yes,

Parents were intrusive and allowed no privacy.

My early journal as a teenager,

She read and told all her friends.

Even as an adult,

I am frightened to put my deepest feelings in my journal.

Yeah,

Maureen,

That looks like a big trauma and it must be really disappointing,

Right?

That breach of privacy.

Sometimes even with my daughter,

Sometimes I forget that she's an individual person.

And my wife would say,

Emilio,

You need to knock on her door.

If she shuts the door,

You have to ask for permission.

Emilio,

If she doesn't want to hug,

If she doesn't want to kiss,

You need to respect that.

And sometimes it is true.

She's an individual person.

She can decide.

We are here to keep her safe,

To protect her,

But not to do whatever the fuck we want,

To be honest.

And this is something that with my parents,

It was really hard to watch sometimes because sometimes I could see that Eva didn't want physical touch or she didn't want my father to pinch her in the cheek.

And they sometimes kept doing that and they didn't understand the boundary.

They didn't understand that,

Well,

She's only a five-year-old,

Like she doesn't get to decide.

It's like,

Why is that?

Why doesn't she get to decide?

Why does she need to allow hugs that she doesn't want or kisses that she doesn't want?

She knows what she wants.

She will ask for it,

That she's very nice and very loving and caring,

Right?

But sometimes she doesn't feel like it.

And it's important to respect that.

And so many times,

We parents believe that we own them and we can do whatever we want with them.

And that's not true.

So yeah.

Zero privacy until I moved out at age 18.

Wow.

Yes,

Emilio,

They feel as their child,

We need to be compliant.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Okay,

Next.

I often felt guilty,

Stupid,

Bad,

Or ashamed around my parent.

I often felt guilty,

Stupid,

Bad,

Or ashamed around my parent.

Okay.

Next one.

My parent rarely apologized or tried to improve the situation when there was a problem between us.

My parent rarely apologized or tried to improve the situation when there was a problem between us.

Yeah,

Very important.

Again,

I see myself on both sides.

As a child,

I remember how many times I didn't get that.

I didn't get that apology that I wanted or that I needed.

And I didn't see a willingness to try to improve a situation that happened.

That happened.

It will just disappear.

It never existed.

And it's like,

But,

Okay,

This happened and then we forgot about it.

And that's it.

We never talk about it again.

It was buried.

And it didn't feel good.

And now as a father for Eva,

Many times I do something.

And then I say,

Wow,

Like I was impatient there or I forced something or I did something that it wasn't right.

Sometimes it comes out of me and I will go and I will say,

Eva,

I'm really sorry.

Papi got nervous or Papi was triggered or Papi's tired.

It's the end of the day.

And I'm sorry I did that.

I didn't mean to.

And I apologize.

And sometimes my wife calls me out on something.

I am still in the middle of the dynamic and I don't want to do it.

I don't have to go and apologize to my daughter.

She's only five years old and what she did is wrong.

And when I notice myself saying those things,

It's like,

Wow,

Now is the moment to do it.

And I don't want to.

Sometimes I can do it.

Sometimes I need to go for a walk and maybe later I am able to.

So that's how sometimes how deep it goes.

So,

Yeah,

That hit me too.

I didn't hear my parents apologize to anyone,

Becca says.

Jan says the level of control and entitlement is outstanding.

Like they needed to control not just what you said or did but also control over your emotions and your perception.

Yeah.

Jan,

It teaches accountability to take responsibility with our kids.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Jan,

It's so important,

Right?

That's something that we need to model more of.

Like we all make mistakes.

We all are emotional beings.

We all get triggered.

We all do things that we don't mean,

That we regret.

And then it's important to own that.

It's important to go back and say,

Listen,

That thing I did before is not OK.

And Papi is really sorry.

And I will try my best not to repeat it.

Do you forgive me?

That's it.

It's so important to do that and to model that for them.

So the last one,

I often felt pent up anger toward my parent that I couldn't express.

OK,

So I often felt pent up anger toward my parent that I couldn't express.

Jan says,

I had a less than stellar parenting moment last night,

But I caught myself in the middle of it.

I was very embarrassed but also proud of myself.

Progress.

Absolutely,

Jan.

If you were able to notice it,

That is amazing progress because you are one step away from starting to change it.

So I honor your willingness to do this and your capacity to notice and observe yourself in the middle of a pattern.

That's amazing.

I love that,

Jan.

And when children witness that,

They grow,

Too,

And deepen trust.

Yeah,

I agree with that,

BD.

Yeah,

So,

Guys,

How do you guys feel?

I feel so much stuff going through me.

How do you guys feel?

Heavy hearted.

Wow.

How do you guys feel?

Heavy hearted.

Yeah,

Me too.

I need to dance it up.

Yeah,

We need to do something to release that energy,

Right,

That is here.

Everything is spot on.

Everything is resonating.

Feeling understood.

Christine,

That feels really good,

Right?

When you feel understood,

When something is said that validates your experience,

It really feels like,

Oh,

Finally,

I am being seen.

It makes sense.

I feel less wrecked than I thought I would.

It helps to be here with others.

Yeah,

Jan,

With others that understand.

Absolutely.

Having a container of people,

Like right now,

156 of us here doing this heavy topic together,

It's way better than doing it alone.

Absolutely.

I agree with that.

I let my kids tell me whatever they felt about me,

And to this day,

They feel heard.

That is amazing.

Great work.

That is very courageous and very vulnerable to be able to listen to what they have to say.

Be open to that.

That's a really amazing skill.

Lorette,

So that's amazing.

I heard my father apologize to my niece and it triggered me so much.

My father apologized about feeding her a spoon of food that was too hot.

That was the only thing he ever apologized to me for without being passive aggressive.

Since the age of six,

He had only apologized to me sarcastically,

And it will hurt me to see him make the same transition with my niece.

Yeah.

I see you,

Jan.

It must be really difficult to witness that,

And it must be very emotional.

Check this.

Darcy says,

Checked,

Yes,

For all,

But feel supported by being here.

Yeah,

This session has helped.

All around,

Just so much resonates.

Hmm.

I feel a lot of compassion for my mom.

It must have been nothing less than terrifying raising children as a young mother alone.

Wow.

BD,

I don't know how single parents do it.

I don't know how they stay sane.

I don't know how they can get organized.

It's amazing to me when I witness that,

And I always tell them,

I'm impressed by what you do because I have an amazing partner.

We both do equally everything,

And many times I lose my shit.

Many times I am impatient.

Many times I want to run away.

I feel burdened,

And I get space,

And I get support,

And I get validation,

So I can't imagine how difficult it must be to do it alone.

Multiply definitions of couldn't in that last question.

Does it mean we were not allowed?

We didn't know what anger was.

We didn't know what it felt like to express anger.

All of the above.

Becca,

Let me see.

I often felt pent-up anger toward my parent that I couldn't express.

So I guess it makes sense what you're saying,

Becca,

That when you are little,

Maybe you don't really know what anger is.

Maybe you don't really know what's happening,

But maybe from today looking back,

Now that you understand what it means to be angry,

What it means not to be able to express that,

This is an observation,

A reflection about did I feel that when I was raised?

Did I feel anger that I wasn't allowed to express?

Yeah.

I mean,

If you couldn't express it,

It means that there was no space.

It wasn't allowed.

It wasn't well-received.

It wasn't welcome,

That anger.

And I'm pretty sure it's just not the anger.

It's any strong emotion wouldn't be welcome.

It will be too much,

Right?

So yeah,

I think it means,

Can mean all of the above,

Actually.

Okay.

Yeah.

Maureen says,

As a single parent,

You do all that you have to do,

And you manage it despite the odds against you.

You enter survival mode to raise your children.

Yeah,

For our children.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Thank you for sharing that.

Lorete says,

I was definitely not allowed.

Got pounded on for showing anger.

Pounded.

Yeah.

Yeah,

It's normal.

So many times we were not allowed to express our emotions,

And it was weird to see someone screaming or crying,

Or we always wanted to stop as fast as possible because it was uncomfortable,

Right?

That's why it's important to develop emotional intimacy,

Emotional capacity,

To be able to process these emotions,

To be able to create space for them,

And to help our children self-regulate and understand that emotions come and go.

They are welcome,

And you can learn from them.

You can learn how to manage them.

You can learn how to create space for them,

And to really learn that it is okay to feel what you feel in the present moment,

Because emotions come and go.

You are not going to get stuck in it.

And if you get stuck,

Then we can help them ease out of them.

With my daughter,

Majority of the times,

What works really well,

Being playful,

Distraction.

So anytime I see her in a cycle of maybe being sad and being sad and not being able to get out of it,

Instead of trying to engage or trying to like,

It makes it easier for me to just,

I just become playful.

I do something that sparks her curiosity,

Something that she doesn't expect.

Maybe I go on my four legs,

And I pretend to be a dog,

And I say,

I'm gonna bite your belly,

And I go down there,

And then she starts running and crying,

Sorry,

Crying,

Running and laughing,

And that's it,

And she's out of it.

So sometimes like doing something different that would get them out of that cycle.

With my dad,

I remember so many times when I discovered this technique,

I remember that he would get angry about something,

And he was like raising his voice,

And I would just say,

Dad,

I just love you,

And I would just go and give him a hug,

And he would be like,

And he would be like,

He didn't know what to do,

He didn't understand what was happening,

And I would just give him a hug,

I love you dad,

I understand you're angry,

That's fine,

And I would just go,

And he would be like,

Paso,

He's like,

What's going on here,

This is not supposed to end like this,

You're supposed to react to me,

I don't understand this dynamic,

And when I learned how to do that,

That was the end of our discussion,

We never fought again,

It just didn't happen because I didn't allow it.

So sending love to everyone here,

Our healing impacts the collective healing,

Yeah,

Distraction is a great skill for little kids,

Absolutely,

Absolutely.

Yeah,

Guys,

What did you think of this session?

I know it's a very heavy topic,

But I hope that it helped you become aware of new things,

I hope it helped you,

Yeah,

Just learn something,

Create more wisdom,

Create more awareness,

Spark new ideas about new ways of being,

New ways of communicating,

New ways of setting boundaries,

New ways of showing up for our kids,

New ways to show up with our parents,

Yeah,

It's a very sensitive topic,

And I know I'm aware of that.

Yeah,

You guys have any questions?

Anything you would like to share that maybe I missed,

Because the chat was flying,

I'm sure I missed so many comments from you guys,

I'm sorry if I did.

Jen says,

My parents grew up in wartime,

I think there was so much terror and lack of stability that even though they focused on giving us everything they did not have,

The example of stability and love was never,

Sorry I lost the comment,

Yeah,

Was never available to them,

That helped me forgive them long ago,

Now it's about recognizing the programming in myself and diffuse it with awareness,

Not pass it on.

Yeah,

Jen,

Beautiful,

That's amazing.

Kathleen says,

Opened up a lot of wounds.

Yeah,

Kathleen,

I see you,

Happened the same for me,

And this is an opportunity to take note,

To notice them,

And to choose if we want to do work on them or not,

It's your choice,

Okay,

You don't have to,

But what do you feel is necessary,

What do you feel like you want to do with this information?

Yeah,

Thank you Emilio for holding this space for 172 of us here,

Yeah,

You're welcome,

It's great to have you guys attend a live like this and being willing to do this work.

Becca says,

Therapies can help us identify where our childhood anger shows up.

Absolutely,

Becca,

There are many ways of doing this work,

Many ways of getting support.

Jen says,

I feel a whole lot of love and I'm proud of everyone,

Amazing.

More sessions in the future,

Maureen,

This is a series of six sessions,

This is number one,

There are five more,

You can find them,

If you go to my profile,

You go to the events tab,

You will see they are all scheduled already,

So you can find them all there,

You can sign up for them so that you get a reminder,

And I am going to do them Tuesdays and Thursdays when I'm available,

I will be traveling mid-February,

So there are some days that I won't be doing but the next six sessions are already scheduled,

And they all cover the contents of this book,

That we have covered today,

And it's just different sections of the book,

And I am going in order,

So the next one will be on Thursday this week,

No,

Thursday,

No,

Sorry,

I'm not here on Thursday,

The following week,

So just look at the calendar and you will see them all in there.

Thank you,

Soul Healing,

I'm glad,

Jessica,

That you feel that it was healing.

I might need to get this book,

Read Toxic Parents Years Ago,

That opened my eyes when I was so unconscious to this work.

Yeah,

PETA,

There are many books on the topic,

This is just one of them,

But yeah,

Any book that calls your attention,

Any book that someone recommends to you and you feel curiosity about,

It's half a pick,

Because maybe there is something in there that you need to read that can help you progress.

A lot of healing to undertake,

Yeah,

Absolutely,

There is always something to heal,

It's a never-ending story.

Our recordings on InsideTimer or elsewhere.

Normally,

All the recordings for these live sessions are on my website,

So you can find them if you go to my profile link,

You click in there and then it takes you to different options and then you will see one option there.

Sometimes,

I put the recordings on InsideTimer,

But I don't put all of them,

I don't want to saturate my profile with only recordings,

But yeah,

I don't know if these ones I will put them,

Maybe one of them,

But not all of them,

So you can find them,

All the recordings are in my profile link,

InsideTimer profile link,

Okay?

Yeah,

Yeah,

Guys,

So thank you so much for all of you for being here.

As always,

If you can support my work with a donation,

I will receive it with gratefulness.

I hope that you guys can make it to the next sessions about this series,

They are very interesting and I know it's a difficult topic,

But I think it's a very needed topic,

It's a very important topic that will help us heal generational trauma,

Especially the ones who are in the middle,

Like me,

The ones who have been children and now we are parents and we have the opportunity to show up in a different way for our children and also for our parents and model to them what it can look like from a place of love and respect and always from a place of gratefulness because we are who we are,

Thanks to them,

And sometimes what they didn't do right is helping us become something different and be better at areas of life that if we didn't struggle through that,

We probably wouldn't be the way we are now,

So there is a lot of gratitude always from me towards my parents because they did the best they could and they offered me the life I have,

So I never forget that.

Grateful for all who are here and for the topic space,

Emilio,

Amazing.

I got goosebumps.

Yeah,

Me too,

Wendy.

So guys,

Thank you,

Thank you so much for your presence,

I hope to see you in the next session,

Have an amazing rest of the day and yeah,

Go and dance it out,

Do something to shake this energy,

Okay,

If you feel heavy because it's normal to feel that way,

Okay,

Have a wonderful evening or afternoon,

Wherever you are.

Adios.

Reviews

This was a heavy topic, but very important & helpful to hear. Thank you, Emilio, for making this available to everyone! Looking forward to future sessions. 🙏🏻