Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no just because you were afraid of disappointing someone?
Or stayed quiet when something important needed to be said?
Or find yourself worrying more about whether someone else was upset with you.
Than about what you were actually feeling.
If so,
You may have been choosing approval over authenticity.
And I'll tell you,
Most of us do it a lot more often than we realize.
So I love to read and the work of Dr.
Gabor Maté.
Has been really influential to me.
He's written and spoken about this powerful tension between two very human needs.
The first being attachment,
And the second,
Authenticity.
So attachment is our need for connection,
To be close to other people,
For belonging,
For emotional safety.
And because we're born helpless,
We need relationships with other people.
We need to fit in and belong in order to survive.
And authenticity is our ability to know what we feel,
To know what we need and what's important to us,
What we value,
And what is true for us.
Both authenticity and attachment are important.
They both matter.
We need this connection and we're wired for relationships with others,
But we also need to have a connection and a healthy relationship with ourselves in order to be authentic.
So the difficulty comes in,
Especially early in life.
If authenticity seems to threaten the attachment that we have with others,
Then many of us learn to give up parts of ourselves in order to stay connected so that we get the care that we need.
Another psychologist that I'm a big fan of is Carol Gilligan and she did research on girls and women and she concluded that too often they would go out of relationship with themselves in order to stay in relationship with others.
If being honest.
Angry,
Sad,
Or needy in any way.
Seems to put love or belonging at risk?
Then we may learn to hide those parts of ourselves.
And not because we're weak,
And certainly not because we're fake.
But because staying connected feels essential.
And again,
As babies and children,
It is essential.
So of course,
Over time,
We adapt.
We become pleasing.
We learn how to be agreeable.
We become helpful.
We work hard to achieve.
We try to be low maintenance.
And we become very good at sensing what other people need.
Sometimes we become so good at sensing everyone else.
That we lose touch with ourselves.
Now,
As adults,
This can show up in very ordinary ways.
For example.
We say yes when we really want to say no.
Or we agree to something before we've even given ourselves a chance to think.
Or maybe we stay quiet when something important needs to be said.
Or at times we over-explain because we're afraid that someone will be disappointed.
And then there are times that we avoid a difficult conversation because we don't want anyone to be upset with us.
And then other times when we're taking responsibility for other people's feelings.
In general.
We've become very good at trying to keep the peace,
Even when we don't actually feel peaceful inside.
And now on the outside to others,
This can look like kindness.
It can look like we're being easygoing.
Or super responsible.
Or thoughtful,
Or flexible.
Are being really generous.
Are loving and caring.
At times,
It is those things.
But sometimes.
.
.
Underneath all of that,
There is something else happening.
Sometimes we are not freely choosing kindness.
We're just trying to avoid disapproval.
And sometimes we're not freely choosing generosity.
We're just trying to avoid guilt.
And sometimes we're not keeping the peace because we feel grounded and compassionate.
We're keeping the peace because conflict feels too threatening.
And so this is where Gabor Maté's framework can be so helpful.
Because it helps us ask things like.
Am I choosing this from authenticity?
Or am I choosing this because I'm afraid of losing approval?
Closeness.
Or belonging.
Am I saying yes because I truly want to?
Or because I'm afraid of what will happen if I say no.
Am I being kind?
Or am I abandoning myself?
And I want to be really clear,
This is not about blaming ourselves.
These patterns.
.
.
Usually began as intelligent adaptations for survival.
If you learned that love.
.
.
Came through being helpful,
Naturally you would become helpful.
If you learned that conflict was unsafe.
You become agreeable.
And if you learned that your needs were too much,
You might become low maintenance.
If you learned that achievement right to approval.
Then you'd become high achieving.
And if you learned that other people's moods determined your safety,
You would become very good at reading the room.
So safe to say that these strategies may have helped you belong.
They may have helped you feel safe.
They may have helped you maintain important relationships.
But what protects us at one stage of life can be a limitation at another.
Because the cost of constantly choosing approval over authenticity can be high.
Every time we ignore what we feel,
Something inside us gets quieter.
Each time we say yes when we mean no?
Resentment can build.
Each time we avoid a difficult conversation,
The relationship may look calm on the surface,
But underneath,
Distance grows.
And each time we choose being light over being honest,
We may preserve connection outwardly.
While losing connection inwardly.
And overall,
It's just all so exhausting.
It's exhausting to constantly monitor other people's moods.
It's exhausting to wonder if someone is upset with you.
It's exhausting to overthink every text,
Every tone,
Every facial expression.
And it's exhausting to be so responsible for everyone else's comfort that you have no room left to ask.
What is actually true for me?
And so this is where mindfulness can become important.
Because mindfulness helps us notice that moment when we begin to leave ourselves.
When we disconnect from what we know to be our truth.
And mindfulness encourages us to pause and ask.
What am I feeling right now?
What do I need right now?
Am I saying yes from generosity?
Or from fear.
Am I staying quiet because this is not the right time to speak?
Or because I'm afraid of disappointing someone.
And these are not always easy questions.
But they are powerful questions.
Because when we begin to notice this pattern,
There's the opportunity to create a little space.
That little space that I talk about so much.
And that's important because in that space is where we have more choice.
Now,
We won't have instant confidence and it won't always feel good,
But we will start to find a little more freedom.
Freedom to pause before automatically agreeing,
Freedom to say things like,
Let me think about that and I'll get back to you.
I wish I could,
But I can't.
Or maybe just.
.
.
That doesn't work for me.
And when you see things differently.
You might even say things like.
I care about you.
And I have a different point of view.
We can find ways to be kind without being dishonest.
Because authenticity It doesn't have to be harsh.
I think sometimes when people hear the word authenticity,
They imagine bluntness.
They imagine saying whatever they think,
Whenever they think,
Without having to consider the impact.
But that is not what authenticity means.
And authenticity does not mean we stop caring about other people.
It means we stop abandoning ourselves and what's true inside of us.
It means that we include ourselves in the conversation.
Authenticity means we respect our own limits.
And allow ourselves to have needs,
Preferences,
Boundaries,
And feelings.
And it means we are willing to be honest with kindness.
So for many of us,
This is going to take time and practice.
Because if you've spent years choosing attachment or approval over authenticity,
Turning toward yourself can feel foreign,
And it can feel uncomfortable.
And saying no might actually make you feel guilty,
Even though you've done nothing wrong.
And being honest can bring up anxiety.
Setting a boundary can feel physically uncomfortable.
You may feel your stomach tighten or you may notice your heart starts to race.
And of course,
The mind is always eager to start generating sometimes unhelpful thoughts such as,
What if they get really upset?
What if everybody starts to think I'm difficult?
Or what if I disappoint them?
And this is where we can bring a little mindfulness to our body.
When you start to feel heated up because you're uncomfortable or anxious,
Then you can just pause.
You can try to orient yourself and feel your feet on the floor.
Take a few deep breaths.
And then.
We can remind ourselves.
Guilt doesn't always mean.
We've done something wrong.
Anxiety doesn't always mean that we're not safe.
Sometimes discomfort simply means we are practicing a new way of being.
A way that allows us to stay connected to others without losing the connection to ourselves.
And I think this is especially important for people who are caring,
Conscientious,
Responsible.
And high achieving.
Because if you're used to being the one who holds things together,
Or the one who anticipates needs,
Or the one who gets things done,
It can be hard to step back and ask.
What about me?
What do I need?
What is my limit?
And just like with anything new,
It's going to feel uncomfortable at first.
And we won't always get it right.
I mean,
At times it'll be easy to fall back into old patterns.
But mindfulness,
Which is really about.
Developing a compassionate awareness.
Mindfulness encourages us to notice.
And when we notice,
We can begin again.
And there may even be times when we have to.
Give ourselves permission to change our minds.
We might have to go back and say,
Hey,
I thought about things a little bit more and I realize I'm not able to do that.
Or we might decide to say.
I didn't speak up earlier,
But there is something I'd actually like to say.
So statements like that.
Are not selfish.
They're very relational and they are authentic.
We need to remember that real connection does not require us to disappear.
Real intimacy is not built on constant agreement.
Real love does not ask us to abandon ourselves.
And healthy relationships.
Thrive on honesty.
So today.
I'd invite you to gently reflect.
Where in your life are you choosing approval or attachment over authenticity?
Where are you saying yes when something in you might be saying no?
Where are you staying quiet in order to keep the peace?
Where are you taking responsibility for feelings that are not yours to manage?
And as you ask these questions,
Bring compassion and curiosity into the picture.
Because these patterns of people-pleasing developed for good reasons.
They helped us belong,
They helped us feel safe,
And they helped us maintain connection.
But now?
We may be ready for something different.
A way of living that includes both compassion and honesty.
Both.
Connection.
Any boundaries.
Both care for others and care for ourselves.
So perhaps the practice for today can be very simple.
Before.
You say yes.
Pause.
Before you find yourself explaining away things,
Just take a breath.
Before you abandon yourself,
Ask,
What is true for me.
What do I need in this situation?
And how could I be kind?
And honest.
As always,
Thank you for being here and if this video was helpful,
I hope you'll return for more conversations about mindfulness.
Psychology,
Self-compassion,
And living with greater awareness and intention.
