In this video,
I want to talk about validation.
What it actually means to validate another person.
What it doesn't mean.
And why something so simple can have such a powerful effect on our relationships.
I want to start with a short story.
A second grade boy was acting out in class and his teacher sent him to the principal's office.
He'd been tapping on his desk during class and talking while the teacher was teaching.
And eventually he got up,
Went to the back of the room,
And was playing with the art supplies.
His teacher became very frustrated.
The rest of the kids were very distracted.
So naturally,
His teacher sent him to the principal's office.
The principal sat him down and asked,
What happened?
And the little boy crossed his arms and glared at the principal as he told her.
Nobody listens to me.
I don't care if I'm in trouble.
Now,
The principal could have responded in a lot of different ways.
She could have said,
Well,
That's no excuse for disrupting your class.
She could have reminded him of the rules.
Should it have told him that his behavior was unacceptable?
And she could have imposed consequences.
She's the principal.
But you didn't do any of those things.
Instead,
She said something like,
You seem really upset.
It's difficult when it feels like no one listens to you.
And the boy's expression and his attitude suddenly softened,
His arms dropped down to his side,
And his eyes welled up.
He simply said.
You understand?
And she nodded,
And they sat together quietly for another minute.
Then he began talking.
Not just about what had happened in the classroom.
But about things that were happening at home.
He talked about feeling invisible and how sometimes acting out and getting really angry felt like the only way he could get anyone to notice him.
The principal simply listened.
Occasionally asking a question.
And eventually,
The boy was calm and ready to go back to class.
Later that day,
His teacher sought out the principal and asked her what she had done.
Because when the boy came back to class,
He had been remarkably calm and extremely cooperative for the rest of the afternoon.
The principal said,
Actually.
.
.
I didn't do very much.
She went on to say.
In all my years as a principal,
There's one thing I've come to appreciate.
That in a moment when a student is so upset,
They don't need a punishment.
They need someone to be present.
For me,
This story captures something essential about validation.
Validation isn't what you or I often think.
Is really about something quite different.
Validation is communicating to another person.
That their response to a situation or event makes sense.
It's letting them know that what they're feeling is understandable.
Within the context of what they're experiencing.
So it's really like telling them.
I hear you.
Or saying something like.
Given how you see things,
I understand why this is so upsetting for you.
And it's helpful to remember that even you and I might feel the same way if we had the same beliefs.
Okay,
So let's reflect for a minute now on what the principal did not do.
She did not tell the child that his behavior was okay.
She didn't say he was right to disrupt the classroom to get attention.
And she didn't agree that nobody in his life ever listens to him.
She listened and she just listened and validated the experience that he was sharing to her in that moment.
And I think this is where people sometimes get confused about validation.
I think we hear the word valid and we think of the scientific definition where everything has to be valid and accurate.
We think it means you have to be right.
It means that we all have to agree.
But that's not really what we're doing when we validate someone's emotional experience.
When it comes to emotions.
Everyone is right about what they are feeling.
It's really impossible to argue against another person's experience precisely because it's their experience,
Not yours.
So you can't change it.
When we validate emotions,
We're not evaluating whether their feelings are factually correct.
We're simply acknowledging that those feelings are here.
That's a big difference.
Imagine your friend calls you and says she's devastated because a neighbor didn't invite her somewhere.
And maybe you know there's another side to the story.
Maybe you know the neighbor wasn't deliberately excluding your friend.
Maybe you even think your friend is just overreacting.
Despite all of that.
You can still say.
I understand why you feel hurt.
You really don't have to say.
Your neighbor's terrible.
And you don't have to agree with the entire story that your friend is telling herself and now telling you.
To validate.
You simply let her know.
That.
Given the way she's seeing things right now,
You can understand why she feels hurt.
That,
Friends,
Is validation.
And we need this from one another.
We really do.
From our first days as helpless infants,
Our survival has depended upon other people's ability to see us,
Hear us.
Understand us,
And to demonstrate that they care about our feelings.
As adults,
We're now capable of caring for ourselves.
So this need decreases a bit,
But it really doesn't go away.
We still want to feel heard.
We still need to feel understood.
And we really want to know that when we reveal something about our inner experience to another person,
That they're not going to immediately tell us that we're wrong.
Or that were overreacting.
That many of the ways we respond to people,
Even those that we love dearly.
Can actually feel invalidating.
Now,
I'm going to make another video specifically about invalidation,
So I'll get into that more deeply.
But here's a little example.
Invalidation happens when someone says,
I'm really worried,
And we're quick to say,
Don't worry,
You'll be fine.
Or when someone says,
That really hurt my feelings.
And we just blurt out,
Hey,
Don't take it personally.
Or someone tells us they're struggling and we immediately start giving advice.
Usually our intentions are good.
We really just want to reduce their suffering.
And so.
.
.
To do that,
Sometimes we'll just minimize what they're experiencing and tell them,
Hey,
It's not that big a deal.
Or sometimes we'll try to compare to make their experience look lighter and say,
You think that's bad?
You should hear what happened to me.
Or sometimes we just flat out try to cheer the person up.
We'll say something like,
Look at the bright side.
Your neighbor's moving away.
You won't have to deal with her anymore.
And then there are times when we just jump so quickly into fixing the problem.
That we completely skip over the person's emotional experience and don't really listen at all.
You know,
Most of the time we're not trying to invalidate anyone.
Usually we're trying to help.
But sometimes what the other person hears is.
You shouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling.
And that is a very different experience than feeling understood.
So one of the reasons that validation can be so difficult.
Is that another person's strong emotions can make us feel uncomfortable.
You know,
If someone is angry or crying.
Telling us that they're hurt,
Especially if it's.
.
.
They're hurt by something we did.
Our Inner Evaluator comes online.
And we start thinking,
Well,
That's not fair,
Or that's not actually what happened,
Or.
That doesn't make sense to me.
Or the classic.
They're overreacting.
And then our fixer shows up.
And starts asking questions like,
How can I make this stop?
How can I explain this?
How can I convince them that they're seeing things incorrectly?
And this is where mindfulness becomes so important.
Because mindfulness helps us be aware.
All of these dynamics I've just been talking about.
And mindfulness gives us the ability to pause.
So instead of immediately.
.
.
Evaluating or defending or explaining or correcting or fixing or whatever.
We can simply notice.
Ah!
I'm listening to another person's distress and I'm starting to feel activated.
We can learn to recognize that when what someone else is sharing with us,
Makes us want to defend ourselves.
Or minimize.
We can catch ourselves thinking that I really want to tell this person that they're wrong.
And we can avoid acting on the thought.
I just want to make their feelings disappear because this is way too uncomfortable.
Just noticing,
Being aware.
Gives us.
Other options.
It allows us to take a breath.
And then by pausing.
We can come back into the present moment.
And instead of asking ourselves.
Are they right?
We can become curious and ask.
What might it really be like for them?
What are they trying to tell me?
Would I feel the same way if I saw things from their point of view?
And then we listen.
Really listen.
We remind ourselves that we don't have to come up with some perfect validating response.
We can say something very simple like,
Wow,
That sounds difficult.
Or just.
.
.
I can see that you're really upset.
And then if it makes sense,
We could say,
You know,
From what you're telling me.
I understand.
Or we could even just say,
Hey,
I'm here and I'm really trying.
And sometimes the most validating thing we can offer.
Isn't a phrase or something we say,
It's our way of being.
It's giving them our undivided attention.
You know,
That means put down your phone.
Really look at the person.
Stop interrupting.
Don't rush them.
Like the principle?
Just be present.
So here's something you might try this week.
The next time someone you care about comes to you feeling upset,
See if you can notice what impulse comes up in you.
Do you want to straighten them out?
Do you want to fix the situation?
Do you want to reassure them?
Cheer them up?
Do you want to offer a different perspective?
And be aware of whether you're preparing your response before they've even finished talking.
Just notice.
Because being aware is the first step in being better able to validate.
And then you pause,
You take one breath,
And you ask yourself.
Can I understand why they're feeling this way?
So remember,
You don't have to agree.
You don't have to prove.
You don't even have to completely understand,
At least not now.
But you can stay present long enough to let the other person know.
I hear you.
I am here with you.
Because very often,
Before people are ready for advice or solutions or to hear another perspective or any kind of change.
They need something much more basic.
They need to know that someone sees them.
They need to know what they're experiencing.
Really matters.
And sometimes.
As that little boy in the principal's office discovered.
What we need most isn't someone to teach us a lesson or to fix us.
We need someone who's willing to simply be present with us.
So thank you for listening.
I appreciate you and your interest.
I hope you'll join me soon for another video on mindfulness.
And until then.
.
.
Take care and be well.
