I have a confession to make.
I used to think I was a great listener.
Then I noticed something.
While someone else was talking to me.
I wasn't just listening.
I was preparing my response.
I was deciding whether I agreed.
I was thinking about a similar experience from my own life.
Or,
I was trying to solve their problem before they even finished describing it.
So I know I'm not alone.
So today.
.
.
I want to talk about mindful listening.
And here's an interesting fact.
The word listen.
And the word silent.
Contain the same letters.
Same 6 letters.
Just rearranged.
And that's not a coincidence.
That's a clue.
Because most of us think we are good listeners.
But very often.
We are only partly listening to the other person while simultaneously listening to the thoughts inside our own head.
We are evaluating,
Comparing,
Remembering,
Judging.
Defending.
Or just.
.
.
Waiting for a pause so that we can speak.
And mindful listening asks us to notice all of that.
And just gently return our attention to the person in front of us.
Communication is an exchange.
It's a two-way process.
So speaking is one part and listening is the other part.
And although listening may appear passive.
It is actually an active and sometimes demanding practice.
So,
The Austrian pianist Alfred Brundell is often credited with that observation,
That the word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
And I'm repeating it now because I think it's such a helpful reminder.
Listening requires us to become quiet.
Not only quieting our voices,
But also quieting our minds.
And this.
Is not easy.
Our brains are very busy.
And silence can feel uncomfortable.
When someone is upset,
We may feel pressure to reassure or rescue them.
When someone describes a problem,
We may feel compelled to offer our advice.
When someone misunderstands us,
It can feel like we urgently need to correct them.
And when someone criticizes us,
Every part of us may want to defend ourselves before they're even finished speaking.
But if we respond too quickly.
We may miss what the other person is actually trying to say.
Deep listening asks us to temporarily set aside the need to be right.
The need to be helpful.
The need to be impressive.
Or the need for control.
The writer and activist Valerie Kaur.
Describes deep listening as a kind of surrender.
A willingness to be there for another person and potentially to be affected.
By what we hear.
And that willingness is really at the heart of mindful listening.
And it's really so important in relationships.
Mindful listening means We are listening with openness.
We're allowing for the possibility that there's something here that we need to understand.
And mindful listening means.
We bring our attention to the present moment and to the person we're with.
We remind ourselves to.
Bring awareness to the other person and what they're saying.
To notice the sound.
Of their voice.
And to try to observe any emotions underneath their words.
You know,
We can ask ourselves.
Can I remain present?
Even when the conversation becomes uncomfortable.
Of course,
This does not mean that we stop having our thoughts or our reactions.
I mean,
That would be unrealistic.
Because if you try to mindfully listen.
You are likely to notice thoughts.
In fact,
Here are some of the very common ones.
That's not what happened,
Or.
They're being unfair.
Or I know exactly what they should do.
And then there's the other common thought,
Which is,
I can't believe we're discussing this again.
And mindfulness allows us to recognize those thoughts without immediately acting on them.
So instead,
We're just aware of those thoughts and silently note,
Ah,
Defending is here.
Judgment is here.
Impatience is here.
Or we might notice,
I feel an urge to interrupt.
Naming the reaction creates a small amount of space around it.
Helping us avoid that urge to act or speak.
So we can feel the reaction without allowing it to take over the conversation.
Mindful listening also involves listening for more than the literal words.
It's really listening beneath the words and wondering about any deeper meanings that might be there.
Sometimes the words are.
You never helped me.
But the underlying message may be.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed.
I want to know that I really matter to you.
Or here's another example.
You don't understand.
And underneath that message might be.
I don't feel like you're listening.
Or I'm really afraid you're going to dismiss what I'm saying.
So listening for what might be underneath the words,
It doesn't mean that we're going to assume that we know what the other person feels.
Because making assumptions is not helpful.
But rather it's an opportunity to be curious.
We can wonder about their thoughts and feelings,
And then we can check in with them.
By saying Are you feeling overwhelmed?
It sounds as though you felt alone in the moment.
Is that right?
What would help you feel supported right now?
Being curious is more helpful than being certain.
So this is so important,
I'm going to say it again.
Being curious is more helpful than being certain.
Because we don't always hear another person correctly.
What we hear is filtered through our personal history.
If you're interested in how that happens,
Check out the video I made on that topic.
Depending upon our past experiences,
A simple request may sound like criticism.
A concerned question may sound like an effort to control us.
And a different opinion may feel like Disrespect!
And instead for stuming.
We can simply clarify.
Were you asking me to do something differently or are you simply telling me how you felt?
Or we might say.
Hey,
When you became quiet.
I interpreted that as anger.
Is that what was happening?
I notice I'm hearing that as criticism.
Is that what you intended?
So all of those questions help separate what was said from the story that our minds are creating.
Now,
Another important aspect of mindful listening is resisting the urge to fix or rescue.
Many of us offer solutions because we care,
So we have a good intention.
We want the other person to feel better.
I mean,
Often when someone close to us is upset,
It's upsetting for us too.
And we may believe that helping means finding or solving the problem.
Sometimes the person does not need an answer.
They simply need a witness.
Or they need time to express themselves.
Or they need to feel that their experience makes sense.
Or they may just need space to discover their own answer.
So before offering advice or telling someone what to do,
We might ask ourselves.
Or we might ask the other person.
Would you like help thinking this through?
Or would it be better if I just listened?
That simple question can prevent a great deal of frustration.
Mindful listening also involved reflecting back what we think we heard.
And this,
Too,
Can help reduce potential conflict.
So,
We might say.
.
.
Let me see if I understand you.
And then repeat what they said.
What I hear you saying is.
.
.
You felt.
Or It sounds to me as though the hardest part for you was.
.
.
Dot,
Dot,
Dot.
I realize that if you're not used to doing this,
That it can feel unnatural.
It can feel sort of fake or forced,
And that's okay.
Trust me,
It does get easier with practice.
And not only does it get easier,
But it's really effective.
Because this is not merely a communication tool.
It's a way of slowing down the conversation.
So you can discover whether the message that was sent is the message that was received.
That distinction matters.
I want to clear up something else.
Listening does not mean agreeing.
We can listen deeply and still have a different perspective.
We can understand why someone feels hurt.
Without thinking that we're the problem and then having to defend ourselves.
We can acknowledge another person's experience and wait until later.
To share our own experience.
So here's some other things that we might say.
I can understand why you experienced it that way,
Even though it's not what I intended.
We might say.
I can hear how important this is.
I see the situation differently.
But I want to understand your perspective.
It's important to know that this is one of the greatest challenges of communication.
Being able to remain connected to another person without feeling the need to insert our experience or to do the opposite and completely disappear from ourselves.
That's not easy.
And some of us have practiced allowing another person's point of view to override our own.
And that's not healthy or helpful either.
Mindful listening asks us to be present,
But it does not ask us to ignore ourselves or to tolerate mistreatment.
If a person is shouting,
Insulting us,
Or becoming threatening.
We might pause.
Or end the conversation completely.
We can say.
I really want to talk about this,
But I'm not able to continue while we're speaking to each other this way.
Again,
That's important because listening is not submission.
It's an intentional choice where we make room for another person's experience while remaining connected to our own wisdom and boundaries.
As we near the end of this talk.
I'd like to make this suggestion.
The next time someone is speaking to you.
Experiment with listening a little differently.
Notice if you experience the urge to interrupt.
Notice when you begin rehearsing your reply.
Notice when you want to give advice.
Then just gently return your attention to the person.
And really.
Listen to their words.
Listen to their tone.
Listen for the feelings and the needs beneath the words.
Hands.
Probably most importantly,
Before.
.
.
Responding,
Pop.
Ask yourself.
Do I really understand what this person is trying to tell me?
Because sometimes.
.
.
The most healing thing we can offer another person.
Is not a perfect answer.
It's simply the experience of being truly heard.
As always.
Thank you for being here.
And until next time.
Take care and be well.
