Nisargadatta's I Am That Session 1 - The Sense Of "I Am"

Listen to Ektaji talk about Nisargadatta Maharaj's book I Am That. Nisargadatta Maharaj was a teacher who did not propound any ideology or religion, but gently unwrapped the mystery of the self. I Am That preserves his dialogs with the followers who came from around the world seeking guidance in destroying false identities.

Transcript

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then the dream fades away and then there are just words words words or some images and then finally you start thinking before you opened your eyes you have started thinking how many of you realize this good so he's talking about that the world suddenly appears so first thought appears then image appears and then you open your eyes and then the ceiling of the room appears or the fan or the light and then the walls appear understand the world is appearing first as a mental object mental object equals to thoughts images maybe you have some sensation and the body come up pain or you've been lying on the on your neck too long and suddenly you realize oh there is a little crick in the neck that is called a sensation yes and there could be a feeling maybe you cried in the night before you went to sleep in the morning you woke up with that same heavy feeling or you were very joyous in the night you woke up with that same joyous feeling yeah so these feelings sensations thoughts images are the first world appearance first thing that appear then I open my eyes and then the room appears very clear so he's asking where does it come from suddenly this world has appeared where has it come from so Maharaj says you again bothered about the world what is Maharaj doing he's trying to take the attention of this sincere seeker from the object to the subject yeah so he's saying before anything can come into being there must be somebody to whom it comes all appearance and disappearance presupposes a change against some changeless background yes so the subject is that changeless background in that subject the thought appeared yeah the sensation appeared an image probably appeared and then you opened your eyes and the room appeared and then maybe if your partner is lying on the bed next to you your family member they appear and then the world starts yeah so all this appeared on which changeless background I the subject yeah this understanding is still preliminary as we go the understanding of the background will get better and better yeah so it's the preliminary understanding that everything appeared on the changeless background of the subject questioner before waking up I was unconscious Maharaj in what sense having forgotten or not having experience don't you experience even when unconscious can you exist without knowing a lapse in memory is it a proof of non-existence and can you validly talk about your own non-existence as an actual experience you cannot even say that your mind did not exist did you not wake up on being called and I'm waking up was it not the sense of I am that came first some seed consciousness must be existing even during sleep or soon on waking up the experience run I am the body in the world it may appear to arise in succession but in fact it is all simultaneous a single idea of having a body in a world can there be a sense of I am without being somebody or others so he asked the question but before waking up I was unconscious why did he ask this question because Maharaj spoke of the subject being the changeless background how many of you thought of something like this if I am changeless I should not be unconscious being conscious and being unconscious this is change are you getting it it's a sharp questioner he's smart he gets it very quickly so he says you're talking of a changeless background but I was unconscious and now when I wake up I am conscious that means there is a change that is his question yeah so Maharaj says in what sense were you unconscious having forgotten or not having experienced these are two different things having forgotten means what I was there but I have lost the memory of it I was there not having experience means I was not there only do you see the difference yes so he's asking in what sense were you unconscious having forgotten or not having experienced don't you experience even when unconscious how many of you say no I don't experience when I'm unconscious you do experience even when you are unconscious yeah you experience the absence of mental objects or physical objects you're completely absolutely devoid of objects yeah so devoid of objects also means devoid of sensation in the body which means devoid of pain you get it that's why when you get a local anesthesia when you go to a dentist what happens there is no pain in the gum though he has done all the kinds of cutting that he could do and made you bleed as much as he could yeah he's really mutilated the poor tooth over there but you had no idea why I was there it's not that I was not there the only thing that was not there was the sensation yeah the sensation is wiped out devoid of objects so mental object is sensation yeah so he says don't you experience even when unconscious can you exist without knowing these are self inquiry questions for you write down can I exist without knowing is it even possible a lapse in memory is it a proof of non-existence just because I cannot remember something does it mean that it did not exist no I just forgotten it the existence was always there so only we've written only two self-inquiry questions huh and the next thing he says can you validly talk about your own non-existence as an actual experience can you say I remember I know it as an experience that I did not exist there then who is experiencing are you seeing yeah it's saying two opposite things you're saying I was there to experience that there is no experience right that means you were there you cannot say that I was not there yeah so can you validly talk about your own non-existence as an actual experience no I can't yeah I cannot exist without knowing you cannot even say that your mind did not exist did you not wake up on being called if somebody calls your name you wake up and on waking up was it not the sense I am that came first this is something that we need to explore when you wake up in the morning what is the first thing that happens you've not opened your eyes yet and you just come out of that dreaming state or the deep sleep state whichever was the last the first thing that happens is a sense of being a sense of isness in Hindi language hone ka ahsaas hone ka ahsaas tehla ahsaas hota hai yes where you just recognize being you recognize amness or isness yes that is called the sense of I am then all the thoughts come up and sensations come up and then you recognize whatever the thoughts as mine sensation as mine mineness comes up merapan mineness comes up after that and then you open your eyes actually and see the waking world yeah so those of you have not been very observant about your own sleep that you've been doing for the past 30 40 50 60 70 years of your life please take this down as your homework for tomorrow morning yeah you should be ashamed for not knowing this now when I wake up first there is the sense of I am it doesn't say the words I am okay it's just expressed like that by Maharaj it's just a sense of isness in Hindi hone ka ahsaas some seed consciousness must be existing even during sleep or swoon so when I was sleeping there was I am in the seed form hona was there in the seed form why he seed form because I I was not conscious at all during the deep sleep state of my body of my mind of any sensations of any thoughts all those are not consciously experienced but the potentiality of them is there that means they are in a seed form and that is why when I come to the dream state of waking state I experience thoughts images ideas feelings sensations of the whole world starts how did it start that means in the deep sleep state it was like in a seed form very clear yeah so that sentence again some seed consciousness must be existing even during sleep or swoon on waking up the experience runs there are three parts to it to that experience the first part I am first it is just the sense of Hona the sense of isness the sense of amness yes Hona that is I am second is I am the body the sensation arises the heaviness if you've been sleeping on the right side or left side then you feel the pressure on the shoulder or the neck yeah that recognition of I am the body so first recognition is only I am second recognition is I am the body and then when I open the eyes and look around I am the body in the world this just appears separately yeah so he says it may appear to arise in succession but in fact it is all simultaneous a single idea of having a body in a world can there be the sense of I am without being somebody or others this is a self-inquiry question can there be the sense of I am without being somebody or the others yeah this paragraph is clear okay questioners I am always somebody with its memories and habits I know no others I am Maharaj maybe something prevents you from knowing when do you know something which others know what do you do I question it I think the source of their knowledge under their instruction is it not important to you to know whether you are a mere body or something else or maybe nothing at all don't you see that all your problems are your body's problem food clothing shelter family when need free security survival all these lose their meaning the moment you realize that you may not be a mere body okay so why did that question come up I am always somebody with its memories and habits I know no other I am because Maharaj was speaking about those three parts first there is an I am the Hone Ka Ehsaas the isness or amness then there is a recognition I am the body and then there is a recognition I am the body in the world yeah so he says oh I don't know so much complicated stuff I'm a beginner all I know is I am this body who has these memories and habit patterns yes that's all I know this personality I don't know any other I am so he's saying I don't recognize that isness how many of you are feeling like him that you don't recognize that isness okay so for you guys homework I gave you the first one you have to recognize early in the morning when you wake up tomorrow do you have that Hone Ka Ehsaas that I am just the isness the sense of being b-e-i-n-g not a human being or some other astral being just the verb to be Hona to be yeah being the sense of just being so Maharaj says maybe something prevents you from knowing this he's telling you telling all those people who feel that I don't know this isness this amness that he's talking about I can't understand the sense of I am so he's telling you there is something that is preventing you from knowing this when you do not know something which others know what do you do he says I seek the source of that knowledge under their instruction so Maharaj says is it not important to you to know whether you are a mere body or something else if you feel it is important then you continue with this session if you feel no I'm happy with my old habit patterns I'm happy to know I am the body take care no problem then maybe Advaita is not your path maybe something else go chill out watch a movie why spend your weekends precious weekends with data not done movies movies job popcorn how enjoy your life but if you feel no I need to understand this I need to recognize myself and I need to recognize by myself research not mere intellectual words given by others by my own self-research I need to recognize that I am NOT merely the body then we continue or maybe nothing at all you're not just more than the body but you're probably nothing that's a scary idea so don't you see that all your problems are your body's problems food clothing shelter family friends name fame security survival all those lose their meaning the moment you realize that you are not a mere body you're seeing where this chapter is right right at the beginning where you still feel I am this body so those people who still identify with the physical body as I am the body this helps them drop this wrong idea that I am only the body because he says all these problems belong only to the body who wants name fame just the body wants name fame who wants relationships only the body wants relationships yeah who wants money this body wants money yeah I am something different I am something more yes so that is what we will recognize ahead what benefit is there in knowing that I am NOT the body haraj even to say that you are not the body is not quite true in a way you are all the bodies hearts and minds and much more go deep into the sense of I am and you will find it how do you find a thing that you have mislaid or forgotten you keep it in your mind until you recall the sense of being of I am is the first to emerge ask yourself hence it comes or just watch it quietly when the mind says the mind stays in the I am without moving you enter a state which cannot be verbalized but can be experienced all you need to do is to try and try again after all the sense I am is always with you only you have attached all kinds of things to it body feelings thoughts ideas possessions etc all of these self identifications are misleading because of them you take yourself to be what you are not so he's saying you are not just this physical body and mind that you think you are you are all the bodies all the hearts all the minds what what's going on how is it even possible he will convince you don't worry within the next three four chapters you are going to be there okay it's that fast enough right now so all he's saying has happened is that you have forgotten it yeah you have forgotten who you are you've taken on this false costume of this physical body and the mind and you have come on stage you've become the mother or the father the child whatever the brother or sister you have lost completely lost memory of who you truly were yeah that changeless background that was the clue he gave us on page number one the changeless background is who I am yes the second clue he gave it is the sense of I am that Hone Ka Ehsaas the sense of is-ness he gave us these two clues on page one yeah so he's telling you you've just forgotten that that is who you are that changeless background that am-ness or that is-ness and you take on this costume of this body and mind and you start playing in this world and you completely lose sight of who you truly are that changeless background so much so that every morning when you wake up you first are in that is-ness because that is your true nature but you ignore it now completely it's like you were given a role to play on the stage whatever Lord Rama you're Sita you've come on stage to play and you've forgotten that you are Usha you have forgotten that you are Anand and all your life now you believe I am Sita and all his life Anand believes that he is Rama he's just forgotten completely that he's Anand do you get it like that you have forgotten that you are that changeless background that is-ness yes that am-ness the sense of I am yeah so he says all that has happened is that you have mislaid that information or forgotten when you forget something what do you do okay I have forgotten I don't know yet I just keep it in my mind that I have to find my way back to the sense of I am yeah right now I don't know intellectually only I keep it in my mind that I have to go to the sense of I am for the people who are a little ahead of the beginners for them also there is a tip the sense of being of I am is the first to emerge if you recognize that ah yes that I recognize early in the morning that is there first thing now you hold on to it ask yourself whence it comes whence means from where from where did the sense of am-ness or the sense of I am come or just watch it quietly he's given you the task not the beginners but the people who've recognized that sense of I am now in the morning when you recognize it first tomorrow see where it comes from if that is too confusing just follow it just stay with it quietly and then you let the thoughts come open your eyes get up from your bed but you hold on to it hold on to your sense of I am he's given you a homework there when the mind stays in the I am without moving you enter a state which cannot be verbalized but which can be experienced so he's given you next level of homework also that when you stay there for a long time automatically you will come to that state which cannot be verbalized okay so make an attempt this entire week or till the time I come back online and do the second chapter with you every morning find the sense of I am and attempt to stay there just be with it quietly yeah if you get adept at this you get skillful at this then what do you do you try to locate where did it come from yeah so till the next Nisargadatta session every morning you have this homework every morning just keep watching it quietly of course if you get into a big drama in the house you are going to lose it then it's very difficult to find it then take an afternoon nap yeah see give me permission for it one afternoon nap and then when you get up from your sleep there I am yes slowly slowly it will start coming into your open-eyed daily routine also give it a chance all you need to do is to try and try again see he's very encouraging and you keep trying to get till the next session till the next Nisargadatta session you keep trying every day okay after all the sense I am is always with you only you have attached all kinds of things to it what have you attached I am the body and there is pain in the stomach what do you say I am hungry yeah you immediately become the body yeah there's grumbling in the stomach yeah I am hungry yes if there is pain in the legs or knees oh I am hurting immediately I have become the body yes you say I have I am the feeling there is a feeling of anger what happens to you what do you immediately do you identify with it and you say I am angry so you have attached all wrong things he's saying yeah similarly I am that thought yeah similarly I am that idea I similarly I am these possessions whatever I am rich I am poor I'm the owner of this car or this house possessions and so on you have lots of identifications all of them are misleading he says because of them you take yourself to be what you are not questioner then what am I Maharaj it is enough to know what you are not you need not know what you are for as long as knowledge means description in terms of what is already known perpetual or conceptual there can be no such thing as self-knowledge or what you are you are cannot be described except as total negation all you can say is I am NOT this I am NOT that you cannot meaningfully say this is what I am it just makes no sense what you can point out as this or that cannot be yourself surely you cannot be something else you cannot do you are nothing perceivable or imaginable yet without you there can be neither perception or imagination you observe the heart feeling the mind thinking the body acting the very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive can there be perception or experience without you and experience must belong somebody must come and declare it as his own without XP without an experiencer the experience is not real it is the experiencer that imparts reality to experience and experience which you are cannot have which you cannot have of what value is it to you okay so he says you do not need to know what you are you just need to know what you are not yeah so what am I not we've done the nitty nitty understanding we have from the open issues yeah even those who don't have the understanding it's even better clean slate all you need to do is recognize I am NOT these false identifications which he said in the previous paragraph I am NOT this body you to recognize it if something I can see how can I be that I can see the book I can perceive the book that means I am separate from the book correct yeah whatever I can perceive I am separate from it so I can perceive the body right I can see the whole body yes I can sense the body I can hear rumbling sounds from the body yes yeah so I can perceive this body I can even smell it sometimes when there's you've not taken a shower for a long time you can smell the body yeah so all the senses work on this body to perceive it that which I can perceive I am definitely separate from that yes so I am not the body do you understand now that which I can perceive that which I can see now let's go to something more difficult feelings I can perceive my feeling I can notice oh now the anger is coming up yes I can feel that fire coming up in me yes those who are very sensitive can feel it at the little spark only oh I can notice the anger coming up in me right now yes those who are not sharp enough they get consumed by the anger and then realize that oh I got consumed by it yeah but those who are very sharp in their awareness recognize right at that first little spark that the anger is coming up and you can clearly perceive the anger and know I am separate from the anger yeah so the same applies to all feelings sadness whatever lust greed hatred etc etc you apply to these things so your next homework is to do neti neti on your own in written can I perceive the body can I perceive the sensations can I perceive feelings how is feelings different from sensations sensations are usually those that happen in the body pain is a sensation growling in the stomach heartbeating yeah crawling sensation in the body Moongi ana in the net then all those kind of sensations that you get vibrating sensation or sweat feeling cold feeling warm these are all sensations what are feelings feelings are more in the mind anger hatred jealousy you can actually perceive these feelings separately and you know they have a different flavor yeah so you see am I these feelings oh I'm not this feeling I'm not this feeling I'm not this feeling so you do your own neti neti process your own neti neti homework others are easy I am NOT this thought suddenly a thought comes up and you're like wondering where did this thought come from I don't think like this yeah so I am NOT the thought that is very easy to perceive but sometimes you only like to indulge in thinking that's when you get consumed by thinking that is where you have a difficulty in saying oh I am NOT my thoughts so start with the thoughts which you can see from a distance which you don't want to associate with yourself and slowly slowly move to the thoughts which consume you do the neti neti process on yourself don't start doing it on your family member and don't start advising them no you do neti neti you'll feel better no no this homework is for me I don't go around becoming a teacher in the house okay you cannot meaningfully say this is what I am it just makes no sense what you can point out as this or that cannot be yourself yeah why I cannot be seen I cannot be heard I cannot be tasted I cannot be touched I cannot be smelled I am that changeless background on which smell arises and goes on which taste arises like a wave and goes in which vision arises and sets in which sound arises and sets these are all images playing on a changeless background that I am yes so I cannot know myself yes so he says what you can point out as this or that cannot be yourself surely you cannot be something else you are nothing perceivable or imaginable yet without you there can be neither perception nor imagination I am that changeless background on which imagination arises and falls I am that changeless background on which perception of sight perception of sound perception of taste perception of smell perception of touch arises and falls super clear can there be perception or experience without you this is a self-inquiry question can there be experience without me not about another person's experience we're not talking about others here talking about I for me can there be any experience without I without the sense of I am no then who will have the experience there will be nobody to tell me that there is no experience you get it so there cannot be experience without I an experience must belong somebody must come and declare it as his own without an experiencer the experience is not real it is the experiencer that imparts reality to experience you know it is that changeless background on which something can play when you watch a movie there is a white screen on which the actor and actress dance and sing and do drama without the screen where will the characters play you get it so without an experiencer the experience is not real so who's the experiencer here the changeless background the sense of I am and my experience is my own thoughts my own feelings that arise and fall why do I keep doing this they arise and fall like a wave no no experience is permanent yeah a perception arises and falls a sensation arises and falls yeah a feeling arises and falls nothing is a straight line nothing yeah that's why I keep doing this it is the experiencer that imparts reality to experience an experience which you cannot have of what value is it to you it's just a rhetorical question basically without I there is no experience questioner the sense of being an experience the sense of I am is it not also an experience Maharaj obviously everything experienced is an experience and in every experience there arises the experiencer of it memory creates the illusion of continuity in reality each experience has its own experiencer and the sense of identity is due to the common factor at the root of all experiencer experience relations identity and continuity are not the same just as each flower has its own color but all colors are caused by the same light whose so do many experiences appear in the undivided and indivisible awareness each separate in memory identical in essence this essence is the root the foundation the timeless and spaceless possibility of all experience questioner how do I get at it Maharaj you need not get at it for you are it it will get at you if you give it a chance let go your attachment to the unreal and the real will swiftly and smoothly step into its own stop imagining yourself being or doing this or that and the realization that you are the source and heart of all will dawn upon you with this will come great love which is not choice or predilection or attachment but a power which makes all things love worthy and lovable okay so he ended the previous paragraph with without an experience or the experience is not real yeah he said that and it is the experience so that imparts reality to the experience and an experience which you cannot have of what value is it so he says the sense of being means the sense of I am means the isness amness that sense of being and experience the sense of I am is it not also an experience smart questioner huh he's done his homework as if he's ready with the next question the moment Maharaj is done so you see even that isness that is also an experience right who is experiencing that he's so smart see so you see obviously everything experienced is an experience and in every experience there arises the experiencer of it I that sense of I am the first sense that you had early in the morning that sense of I am arose first and then there was the sense of I am the body so who's the experiencer and what is the experiencer the experiencer er experiencer is I am and the body is the experienced are you understanding this subject is I am object of experience is the body very clear same I am then you say angry so that anger is the object of experience and I am is the experiencer so he's saying with every new experience the experiencer a new I am comes up and then a new attachment happens it stays for a while like your anger and there stays for a while it continues it drops now now a new one new attachment happens I am peaceful anger is gone so he's saying this is a new experiencer and experience don't take it blindly you do your experiment does this happen with me that is the meaning of self-exploration yes Advaita is all about exploring your own self Advaita is not like the Dwaitam path where you just believe somebody because he's the guru or the teacher or he has the authority on a scripture no that is the Dwaitam path on the path of Advaita it's all about experiencing it and recognizing it no more concepts so next homework for you is to recognize does it happen with me that again and again there is the experiencer and an experience and that falls and again there is a new experiencer and experience initially it might be tough for those people who have not even recognized the I am that happens in the morning so first you do that homework for a week recognize the sense of business recognize the sense of amness yeah then slowly slowly it'll open up how suddenly in the morning first you become the body and then you wake up open your eyes and you wake up from the bed then slowly slowly as you keep practicing on a daily basis you'll be able to see how see now I became angry and there was like a new I am with the anger attached to it as its experience and after some time that went away then I am peaceful and then that also went away again then I am thinking I have become the thoughts and rewound the whole tape of what she said and what I said and what drama happened and I'm playing that in my head yeah and continuously happens as a new experiencer and experience attached again and again and again so experiment memory creates the illusion of continuity this is again a parking lot statement for you you still don't know yeah but you start just seeing that there is an illusion created of see I have been angry before now I'm angry again today again see I got angry in the night this illusion of continuity I have created and then I have labeled myself as an angry person do you notice that are you angry 24 7 no so memory created the illusion in me I put three instances together and I said I'm always angry so memory created that illusion of continuity right yeah like that we have put lots of labels on ourselves recognize that that oh memory creates an illusion there is no continuity I'm not always an angry person or I'm not always a mean person or I'm not always a sad depressed person yeah this is just a label that I have attached to myself whatever other labels please explore I just gave you simple examples in reality each experience has its own experiencer and the sense of identity is due to the common factor at the root of all experiencer and experience relations you don't know the root the common factor yet but put it on put it as the parking lot item again for future for me to get to the root of everything is that sense of I am the background the changeless background on this only the experience and the experiencer play the rise and the fall the rise and the fall the rise and the fall again and again and again you don't know the root yet but you will get there yeah that is the guarantee of Advaita Vedanta it's a guarantee provided you continue doing your self-exploration identity and continuity are not the same identity and continuity are not the same continuity was given by memory it put three four things together and gave it a false continuity identity is because I that I am forgets its true nature in the morning and it puts on a costume becomes Lord Rama on the state and stage and then keeps doing that drama yeah that root cause is that I am keeps forgetting itself the amness the isness keeps forgetting itself it keeps forgetting itself yeah so identity and continuity are not the same just as each flower has its own color but all colors are caused by the same light so do many experiencers appear in the undivided and indivisible awareness each separate in memory identical in essence what was the experiencer the I am is the experiencer in the first situation it held on to anger okay so what is its memory now the memory of anger I getting it the next I am arose and said I am peaceful now so what is its memory now new memory established I am peaceful so every experiencer has its own new memory there is no continuity continuity is an illusion when you put ten experiencers in a line the eleventh one says oh see I'm an angry person do you see what I'm saying yeah continuity is an illusion so he gave the beautiful example of how every flower has different color but we've done this in our physics right I hope everybody did it in your physics experiments when you were in school and there is just one white light go through the prism you can see the rainbow yeah but it is all actually just one white light similarly flowers appear of different colors actually it's only one white light so just like that experiencers take on new memory experiencer takes on the new identity but really there is only one indivisible changeless background that sense of I am the amness the isness that is the meaning of identical in essence essence in Hindi mool tattva mool tattva ek hi hai the essence is one and what is that the white light beyond all colors the changeless background of amness or isness beyond all the experiencer I am and their experience another I am and it's experience another I am and it's experience clear where did this I am come from is your homework every morning it comes up and before it comes up that's when you have to figure out from where did this come oh I missed it this morning okay no problem tomorrow and you have to keep trying keep trying keep trying find it yes this essence is the root the foundation the timeless and spaceless possibility of all experience right now this sentence is parking lot for you every single word can be explained but after you really taste the isness the amness yeah it is faceless it is timeless I will prove it to you yeah so we'll get there when we get there for now you write PL over there parking lot for future you will get it so he says how do I get at it he gets very interested in the essence now now that Maharaj has pointed it out you need not get at it it will get at you yeah provided you give it a chance yeah it will get at you let go your attachment to the unreal and the real will swiftly and smoothly step into its own what is unreal here need to meet the process what am I dropping all the unreal I'm not the body I'm not these feelings I'm not these thoughts I'm not these ideas I'm not any of these possessions that I have drop drop drop empty empty empty empty empty and when you come to the changeless background what do you find oh I am the sense of I am who need ka essence so all I have to do drop the unreal and the real is already there I don't have to manufacture it right it is already there the sky is already there all I need to do is move away the clouds when the clouds thin down and they disappear the sky is already there so you need not get at it it will get at you just give it a chance very clear stop imagining yourself being or doing this or that this is your homework drop this I am the body whatever action is happening it is happening through this body I am NOT doing it at first it might seem mechanical but for the people who've already recognized that I am they recognize that that sense of I am does not do anything it is not the doer it's just a quiet changeless background there is no doing there yeah so everything is just happening through the body I am NOT the doer and the realization that you are the source and heart of all will dawn upon you with this will come great love which is not choice parking lot for you yeah this happens after you drop that doership that I am doing this yeah so another note over there p.

M.

I have to recognize this how that naturally love comes up which is not a choice yeah it is not even an attachment it is not because I like something I want something no no that love is my pure nature that power makes all things love worthy and lovable