Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
Imagine three different people walking into a crowded room.
One person sees threats because they're anxious.
Another person sees flaws because they're critical.
And a third person sees a room full of interesting human beings because they're peaceful inside.
We don't see the world as it is.
We see the world as we are.
The external world is just a mirror reflecting our internal emotional state.
It's always been interesting to me when I'm with other people,
They show me things that I don't see.
They'll say,
Did you see that person?
They're so rude.
They cut you off.
I actually didn't see them.
Are those two guys over there,
They're making me nervous.
I say,
Why?
I just smiled at them and they smiled back.
It's not that I live in a different world from other people,
It's that the work we've done on ourselves,
Whatever work,
Good or bad,
Reflects in how we see the world.
When we do the work of creating a peaceful,
Beautiful soul inside of us,
We then don't exhaust ourselves looking for the good life.
It becomes our default setting.
Think of it this way.
Just as a healthy tree naturally produces fruit,
A healthy mind naturally produces appreciation.
Whether we're looking at a sweeping mountain landscape,
Reading a classic novel,
Or just watching a stranger cross the street,
Our internal lens highlights the grace and wonder in that scene.
And of course it takes work and energy to cultivate this peacefulness inside of us.
But it also comes with the benefit of immense freedom.
Then the need to buy or possess a luxury home or an exotic car to curate a perfect external life to be happy.
We just need to clear the smudge off our own internal lenses.
It's a little like this.
Though this may seem extreme,
It really has some truth in it.
If we walk barefoot around the world and periodically we stub our toes and cut our feet on sharp objects,
We may say,
I'm going to put leather on the entire world so I never hurt my feet.
Or at least everywhere I plan to go,
I'm going to put that leather down.
What if instead we just wear shoes?
I know this may sound silly,
But we're doing that often.
We externally say,
If this is just right,
Then I'll be happy.
What of it instead?
We say,
What can I change?
I can change me and then begin to see beauty all around in my life.
Take a moment and think about your life and the people that you've met.
Have you ever met someone in your life that had less than you,
Was less attractive than you,
Was less successful than you,
Was less intelligent than you,
And yet they were happier than you.
It's because it's not about the external things that make us happy.
It's about the way we see the world and how our hearts engage with it.
We all have inside of us an ego defense mechanism.
And this smudges our lenses and the way we see the world.
It's called judgment.
As human beings,
We have an almost automatic reflex to mentally criticize others.
We judge their clothes,
Their choices,
And their behaviors.
But this judgment has a high psychological cost.
We usually just others to artificially inflate our own self-esteem.
But it completely backfires.
Every time we silently tear someone down,
We train our brains to look for ugliness.
If we constantly look for the flaws in others,
We will eventually start feeling like we live in a flawed,
Hostile world.
But there is an antidote to this.
Let's call it pivoting to beauty.
If having a beautiful soul is the goal,
How do we build it?
We build it in the exact moments we are tempted to judge.
The next time we find ourselves looking at someone and a critical thought pops up into our head,
Let's immediately hit the brakes and instead find one genuinely beautiful thing about them.
It can be something simple like noticing they have a kind smile or acknowledging that,
Just like us,
They are human beings trying their best to navigate a complicated world.
Search for their light,
We instantly dissolve our own darkness.
Let's explore an example to illustrate what I'm talking about.
Imagine we're standing in a line at a local cafe waiting to order our morning brew.
The person in front of the line is taking forever.
Asking a dozen questions and holding up the line.
Our automatic reflex is to judge how inconsiderate.
Our heart rate ticks up.
Our morning peace is instantly hijacked.
Our internal mirror is now clouded.
But here's the pivot.
Catch the judgment and force ourselves to look for the beauty in the scene.
You might notice that the person is a little older and perhaps this is the one time where they get to connect with people because they're going to go home and they live by themselves.
Or we might admire the barista's remarkable patience in answering every question with a smile.
The physical situation didn't change.
And we still had to wait,
But by refusing to indulge in judgment and choosing beauty,
We protect our own nervous system and walk away feeling calm rather than bitter.
I'm a clinical psychologist by profession and people often ask me,
Don't you get tired about hearing people complain all day long?
And I've been doing it for over 30 years now.
That's a lot of complaints I've heard.
But I don't see it that way at all.
I'm fascinated with hearing people's stories and together we work on ways of making their lives better.
I actually think I have one of the best professions imaginable and yet it's a very high burnout profession.
But because I see it with joy and pleasure,
That's what I experience.
I feel honored and blessed because people who are struggling are asking me for my advice and they want to get better.
And they do,
And it's wonderful.
You can probably imagine I've worked with some people that have made some interesting choices in their life.
But I don't judge them.
I work on helping them get better and I'm so proud of them for wanting to get better.
Do you want to know something wonderful too?
And this works on your family,
On your friends,
On so many people,
That when you look for the beauty in others and experience that with them,
See that with them,
And maybe even share what beauty you see in them,
Sometimes it changes them and they start shining.
But even if they don't,
You'll still see them as beautiful souls,
As gifts from God,
And enjoy them and the world around you.
Because the world is truly beautiful when our lenses are clean and we see it through these eyes of beauty.
Now of course it matters what we're feeding our brain throughout the day.
If we're watching some form of media that's telling us how horrible people are and how terrible our world is,
Then that's what is going to be seen through our eyes.
But if we work on changing that,
Changing what we see and how we see the world,
The world will change.
So how do we do this?
Let's create a catch and pivot.
For the next 24 hours,
Just try to notice how many times our brains offer a judgmental thought about a stranger,
A driver on the road,
Or a co-worker.
Don't beat ourselves up,
Just observe it.
And here's the pivot.
The moment we catch the judgment,
Force a pivot.
Say to ourselves,
That's a judgment.
Now,
Where's the beauty?
Find one positive thing to focus on instead.
And then remember why we're doing this.
We aren't doing this just to be nice to the other person.
We're doing this to keep our own internal lens clean.
When we stop judging others,
When we stop being critical,
What we'll find is that energy will start reflecting on ourselves.
We'll start being kinder towards ourselves.
We'll look at ourselves with grace.
With love.
With acceptance,
With forgiveness.
We have the power to live in a beautiful world,
But that world is not a place we travel to.
It's a state of mind we construct.
By choosing to see the good in others,
We slowly but surely build a beautiful soul.
This does take work,
And it takes effort,
But it's so worth it.
We can say,
I release the need to judge.
I choose to see the light in others,
And in doing so,
I brighten my own world.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
Until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
