Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
When we think about happy people and what they're like,
We probably don't think they're judgmental,
That they're harsh,
That they scream at people,
That they get really mad when people do things against them.
That probably makes sense to us.
And if we're listening to this podcast,
We probably want to be happy.
And find peace in our lives.
And we probably realize that being cruel to other people isn't the way to get there.
And if we do get angry at the clerk that's just taking too long to ring up our order,
Or we get angry at our spouse for something they did,
We probably afterwards don't feel very good about ourselves.
And it isn't the path to happiness.
This probably all makes sense.
But in today's podcast,
I want to talk about a more advanced happiness skill.
Something that will really help us in our paths to finding peace and happiness in our lives throughout the day.
And if we find that we've been working on happiness for many years,
How to improve our lives and still don't find that happiness in our daily lives,
This may be the reason that we can't quite get there.
So today is an advanced skill,
But a very important skill on our path to peace and happiness.
And though it won't be a difficult concept to understand,
What will be difficult is implementing it.
It probably is the hardest thing we're ever going to do.
But in my own life,
What I've found is by developing this skill,
And I've gotten quite good at it,
It really makes my life go so much better.
And I just have a smile on my face throughout the day because of this skill.
It's almost as if joy is injected in my heart throughout the day because I've learned that my thoughts matter.
Not just what I say to other people,
But what I think towards other people.
And as I've learned to harness my thoughts and make them far more filled with loving kindness,
I find I read the benefits of this tenfold.
And this technique,
This algorithm is,
As I said,
Quite simple.
And what it is is this.
Not only do we treat people with loving kindness externally through our actions and our words and our behavior,
We treat them with loving kindness internally through our thoughts.
And not only do we treat other people with loving kindness with our thoughts,
We learn to treat ourselves with loving kindness throughout the day with our thoughts too.
So what does this look like?
How do we implement this in our lives?
Well,
Let me use some examples to help illustrate what I mean.
Let's say we've gone to the grocery store and need to hurry up,
Get some things and get back home for whatever reason.
We only have a minute and we're in a hurry.
And when we get to the checkout stand,
There's a person before us and the clerk and they're just talking and chattering and talking about all kinds of things and clearly going much more slowly than they need to.
And we're in a hurry.
Now we probably wouldn't say anything,
But in our thoughts we might think,
Why are they doing this?
Don't they realize I'm busy?
I have a lot to do.
I mean,
How rude.
I mean,
They don't know that I'm in a hurry or not.
And a lot of people may be in a hurry and I don't have all day.
I'm not retired.
I have to work and I have things I have to do.
You know,
The thoughts we have,
They can be quite ugly at times.
So what we do when we start thinking that is we take a deep breath and we first just notice that,
Oh,
These are not loving kindness type thoughts.
And then we think,
Okay,
I know I'm in a hurry,
But it doesn't mean the whole world has to work around my schedule.
And I just happened to get in the line where they're talking and they're going slowly.
That's okay.
I may be running a little bit behind,
But I'll adjust.
I'd rather just enjoy my time here with these people and let them have their conversation.
Cause who knows?
Maybe they don't get to talk much or maybe they're just happy people enjoying their time and I'm not going to rush them.
I'm not even going to allow my thoughts to think about that they need to move faster.
I'm just going to focus on my breath and enjoy my time standing in the line right here.
Isn't it nice that I get time to slow down for my busy day and just breathe.
Or let's say some relatives come to visit us for a few days over the holidays.
They stay at our house,
They eat our food and they're just there making themselves at home.
But we start getting irritated because they expect us to do everything.
We make the food for them.
We clean up after them.
We do all these things to make them comfortable and yet they don't appreciate it and they're not helping at all.
And we start getting angry thoughts.
They're so selfish.
What's wrong with them?
Why can't they help out?
Why can't they go to the grocery store and buy some groceries?
Why do we have to pay for everything?
We don't share these thoughts,
But we begin to think these thoughts.
We can do that,
But then we're not going to be very happy.
Another approach we could take is again,
Just breathe and say,
Okay,
I don't know why they're doing what they're doing.
Perhaps this is just upbringing they were taught.
When I go to their house,
They'll do everything for me.
Maybe that's just what they believe.
So I'm going to choose to enjoy them.
I'll spend a little extra time doing dishes while they're here.
I'll spend a little extra time cooking while they're here.
That's okay.
Cause they're not moving in with me and I'm going to enjoy them.
And I don't know why they do what they do,
But I'm just going to focus on having a good time with them.
And if I need to go to my room and read,
I'll go to the gym and work out just to dissipate some of this negative energy.
I'm going to do that.
I'm going to take care of myself and love them while they're here,
Even in my thoughts.
Or here's another one,
Perhaps a harder one.
We go out to eat with our family.
And while we're sitting there,
A very large person comes in,
Clearly obese,
And we begin to think negative thoughts.
How did they get that way?
That's gross.
Why would they choose to be like that?
And what are they going to order?
I'm going to look and just see how much they're going to order.
Cause they must eat a ton to end up being that fat and that grotesque.
Those are such dark thoughts.
If we have them,
They're just bad for our soul.
It is never good to be judging people based on their behavior different than ours,
Particularly when we don't know their story or how they got there or what's going on.
And judging someone so harshly truly is just a very unhealthy place to go with our soul.
So let's say we notice that we are thinking these thoughts.
What can we do differently?
Again,
It's not judging ourselves either.
It's more so saying,
I don't want to participate in these thoughts.
I'm going to do this instead.
So we pause and instead we think,
Can I see something beautiful in this person?
Perhaps their smile,
Perhaps the family they're with,
Perhaps the way they're dressed.
I don't know.
It could be a lot of different things.
And if we can't,
If our thoughts just are negative,
Then look somewhere else.
Focus on something else.
Just don't feed that thought.
Don't sit and look to see what they order.
Don't keep staring at them and having the negative thoughts kick in.
Instead,
Look elsewhere.
Our thoughts can only be on one thing at a time.
So if we're having difficulty not being kind with our thoughts,
Then just change the direction of our thoughts.
Focus on something else instead.
And until we've mastered our ability to not judge others,
Then just look elsewhere.
And with time,
I really think we can learn to not judge others,
Particularly if we get to know these people that we judge.
If we get to know their hearts and what they're like and how they got there,
We may not like their behavior.
But it doesn't mean that we have to shoot them negative thoughts in our mind.
That's not helpful to them,
And it's definitely not helpful towards us.
So let's talk about a far more complicated way of redirecting our thoughts when it's hard.
What do we do when the other person is doing something that truly is in our minds bad or evil or wrong?
What do we do then?
Do we not stand up to them in our thoughts?
Do we not challenge them?
Yes,
But even this can be done with loving kindness.
Again,
Let me use an example.
I love children and have been working with children for over 30 years now.
And I see what type of abuse they get sometimes from their own family members.
And though it could be hard to deal with it,
In my practice,
I'm helping them get better,
And the parents are choosing to come there to get better.
So mostly it's very positive.
But often when I travel,
And I'm out and about,
Particularly at,
Let's say,
A family park like Disneyland or something like that,
Where there are a lot of parents and a lot of kids and a lot of tired parents who have spent a lot of money to be there.
And for whatever reason,
Their kid is acting a certain way.
And I don't know if you've seen this,
But I've seen this many times,
Where the parent will just scream at the child at the top of their lungs because they're so frustrated with what that child is doing right now.
And they'll say such things that truly are horrible,
What they're saying.
And it was hard for me for years to deal with that.
It was very challenging for me to see that and not try to do anything or even think things in my head,
Like,
What a horrible parent.
How could you possibly do that?
But then I began to realize that there was more to that story,
That these parents had spent a lot of money.
Maybe they'd saved up for years to be able to go to Disneyland that one day.
And now they wanted to spend the whole day there because Disneyland is expensive and they want to enjoy their time.
But then their children get tired and then an ugly dance sometimes begins.
So in this situation,
I came up with two conclusions.
I really did try to not be so judgmental towards those parents.
I realized that yes,
They were hurting their child and causing damage.
But for whatever reason that I didn't know,
I didn't need to judge them so harshly.
And with that gentleness,
What happened was I was actually able to come up with a solution.
And what I've done now for many,
Many years is I carry with me little toys that make noises in my fanny pack that is always with me.
And when I see this happening,
I go up to the child.
I don't even talk to the parent at all.
I just go up to the child and show them my toy.
And usually it's a very interesting toy that makes very interesting noises.
And all of a sudden they're distracted.
They're interested.
The stranger's showing them something very cool.
And they calm down and the parent realizes,
Oh,
This guy is actually helping my child be not so upset right now.
So they take a deep breath and they calm down too.
It always works.
I never address a parent.
I never attack them or say they're doing something wrong.
I just bring out my toy,
Show it to the child,
And they get very fascinated and everyone calms down.
And I bring this up because I have found that when I am able to soften my thoughts towards others,
Then sometimes I can find solutions to help the situation make it better for everyone involved.
We tend to stay calmer and are able to have a communication with another person when something is going awry instead of lashing out at them.
Particularly think of people that are in a relationship when things go awry instead of staying calm and trying to understand the other person's point of view.
A lot of harsh things can be said,
Which can clearly damage the situation.
But if we're able to control our thoughts,
Keep them gentle,
Keep them loving,
It's a lot easier then to act that way towards others.
I think when we often see people who seem so calm all of a sudden explode and lash out,
It really isn't that they were calm all along the way,
It's more so in their thoughts.
They were having a lot of very angry,
Critical,
Harsh thoughts,
They just kept them inside,
And finally,
Like Mount St.
Helen,
They exploded.
A better way is to say,
I'm not just going to keep my thoughts to myself,
I'm going to learn to start cultivating loving-kindness thoughts towards everyone,
Even people that truly are causing harm towards me and others.
I will in no way condone the behavior,
And if I can't take action to stop it,
I will.
But even then,
I'll do it with loving-kindness.
I mean think about our past,
Our historical past.
Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi were able to change the world,
Not through violence,
Not through hatred,
But through loving-kindness and passive resistance,
Peaceful passive resistance.
That is a far more powerful tool in our lives.
Now there are times,
Of course,
When we may need to even use force to stop someone from hurting another,
I know that.
But even then,
We're going to do it better when we focus on the behavior.
We need to stop this behavior instead of hating the person.
Yes,
The behavior may be heinous,
Horrible,
And we'll work towards every step imaginable to stop it,
Perhaps even sacrificing our own lives.
But,
I still think we can do it with loving-kindness because we focus on the behavior instead of hating the person.
That person got that way for so many different reasons that we may never know.
And because of karma or cause and effect,
They will pay the price for what they're doing if they're truly doing something wrong.
Life in the long run tends to be fair.
We hate ourselves when we're hurtful towards others.
That's just the way we're wired.
So,
The focus is on the behavior and our focus is on our thoughts.
And our thoughts,
If we agree with today's podcast,
We will begin to start cultivating more loving-kindness thoughts towards others.
And finally,
Not only do we work towards cultivating loving-kindness thoughts towards others,
But also loving-kindness thoughts towards ourselves,
Which can be equally as hard.
Because we know when we've done wrong,
We know when we mess up.
We know when we're not living up to our expectations of life and what we wanted from life.
But if we truly want to find happiness,
It isn't that we excuse our behavior,
It's just that we use loving-kindness to change our behavior,
To improve it.
And we keep improving our behavior because now we're learning that when we mess up,
We do focus on changing it,
But instead of berating ourselves,
Calling ourselves names,
Being self-critical,
We use loving-kindness thoughts to say,
Okay,
I know this isn't what we wanted to do.
I know we messed up,
But we're going to keep working on this and keep working on this until the day we die.
We can always grow.
We can always get better,
But it is so much more easy to change through loving-kindness than through self-criticism.
This is a better path.
And truly,
If we want to find happiness and peace in our lives throughout our days,
Then we need to cultivate this skill and get better at this,
Get better at showing others in our thoughts loving-kindness and treating ourselves with loving-kindness in our thoughts,
Not just in our actions,
But in our thoughts.
But if we keep working on this,
If we keep improving,
What we'll find is that happiness,
Instead of being something elusive,
Hard to find,
Will become our natural state.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
If you are finding these episodes helpful,
I would love for you to share your experience with others.
The easiest way for new people to listen to this podcast is just refer them to www.
Happinesspodcast.
Org.
That's happinesspodcast.
Org.
Or if you want to do more and leave a review,
On that site you'll find a Yelp link,
A Google Plus link,
A testimonial link,
Or perhaps even the site you're listening to this podcast on.
Often you can leave reviews there,
Too.
The reviews are an awesome way to encourage people to start listening to the Happiness Podcast.
And until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
