Advanced Kindness Skills

When others are being unkind towards us or towards another person, knowing how to respond in a kind way can be challenging. In this podcast, we explore the benefits and skills of being kind towards others.

(Please note that this is a lecture, not a guided meditation).

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Over the years,

I've talked a lot about kindness,

Kindness in regards to happiness.

Why is that?

There are so many reasons to be kind,

But I do think the big one is,

Is so often when we're upset at another person and we feel like lashing out,

And we do,

When the dust settles,

There's a lot of remorse.

There's a lot of guilt over what we've said and done.

So,

If we act in a kind way with boundaries,

I think there's a lot less of that that we have to deal with when the dust settles.

And the reverse is true also.

When we're kind,

I think our heart just feels lighter,

Happier,

Full of just love,

Because kindness has that way of making our world and the world around us a lot happier place to live in.

And I know the immediate objection to kindness is,

Well,

Dr.

Puff,

If I'm kind,

Other people will walk all over me,

Or they'll take advantage of me,

Or fill in the blank.

I need to stand up to them,

Or life will just be hard,

And people can be very cruel.

And to be honest,

All that is true.

But today we want to talk about more advanced techniques we can use in regards to kindness,

So that when we're being kind,

We don't put ourselves in situations where we hurt others or let others hurt us.

That's why I entitled this podcast,

Advanced Kindness Skills.

Because being kind can be very hard at times.

And that urge to lash out,

To say something,

To get actively involved,

Can be really strong in us.

And if someone is saying or doing something harmful to us,

We really want to do something harmful back to them.

But when the dust settles,

We do have to look at what we did.

And does the dust settle?

Sometimes because we're unkind to other people who are being unkind to us.

It just escalates.

And on a national level,

It can lead to war,

A war that goes on for years and costs so many people's lives.

But even beyond all this,

It's just very hard to find ourselves in a happy,

Peaceful place after we've been unkind to another person.

So we are listening to this podcast to find happiness and peace in our lives.

I believe that path is one of kindness.

So let's learn ways to deal with unkindness in our lives,

So that we can find peace and happiness in our hearts.

Well,

First,

When unkindness is directed at us,

We have to ask ourselves,

Do we want to necessarily be unkind back?

I think that is the path of suffering for us and for the other person.

It may feel good at the time,

But I think it's far better when the other person is being unkind towards us to be kind back.

I think if we choose that path,

We'll find that our lives go better.

Now,

That doesn't mean we have to let people abuse us.

We can often walk away,

Leave,

Or just talk to them about what they're doing and saying,

Are you meaning to be unkind?

Rarely will the person say,

Yes,

I just want to hurt you.

They might because they felt like we did something to them unmistakably.

But nonetheless,

Do they want to be unkind?

And again,

If they were to say yes,

Then we would probably say,

Then it's time for us to stop talking and do our best to leave that situation.

Now,

I do know there are times where it's very difficult to leave a situation.

So what we can do is just get quiet.

I think when we're quiet,

It's much harder for the other person to continue to abuse us.

It's just difficult to throw venom at someone who's being quiet.

And I know this may seem like,

Well,

We're not defending ourselves,

But it can often de-escalate the situation.

Now,

When it's something truly sinister,

We may,

Of course,

Need to get the police involved at the time or afterwards if we need to,

Of course.

But even that can be done calmly,

Or at least without venom.

And usually,

If you really think about it,

When you hear two people having a disagreement,

An intense one,

And a third party is brought in to kind of judge the situation,

Like a police officer,

Usually the person they're going to listen to most is the one who is staying calm,

Who isn't throwing invectives at the other person.

All of us are attracted to and find the beauty in kindness.

So when we see another person being kind towards someone who isn't being kind towards them,

There's a real tendency to side with that person,

Kind of siding with the underdog or the kind person.

People in authority do the same thing.

When one person is lashing out,

And the other is staying calm,

There's a tendency to side with a person who's staying calm.

But that's just on the part of them taking our side.

I think at a deeper level,

We have to think about,

Again,

When someone is lashing out at us,

And we lash back,

There's just so much damage now we've done to them.

And they probably had a reason.

It may be an unreasonable reason,

But they probably had a reason for they felt justified in hurting us.

But now if we hurt them,

Then that just leads to a vendetta that can go on and on sometimes for years,

Or even generations.

But also,

I think if we really think about our lives,

And times when we've gotten in feuds or fights with other people,

Where we've exchanged unkind words with them,

When the dust settles,

We really do,

When our hearts are quiet,

Think about what we said to them,

And wish we hadn't.

And I think holding our tongue,

Walking away,

Getting authorities involved if we need to,

Is a far better approach than an eye for an eye.

When we choose the path of being kind,

Even in the face of unkindness,

Our lives just go better.

People that we meet,

Whose lives go well,

Are going to be kind people.

I think we're going to find that to be true around the world.

That's why I teach so much about kindness.

And so we are going to face unkindness throughout our lives.

That's inevitable.

But how we choose to respond is a choice.

And I think we'll find that if we choose kindness,

Even in the face of cruelty or unkindness directed at us,

We'll find that our lives go better.

Again,

I'm never saying that we can't defend ourselves.

I'm not saying we can't do things to press charges and get the law involved.

But,

In the long run,

When we do even that with equanimity,

I think we'll find our lives will go so much better.

But now I want to talk about a more complicated situation.

Let's say we observe someone being unkind to another.

Then what do we do?

Well,

I want to talk about two things that we can do,

Or that I do,

That I've found really helpful.

Because this can often be a more complicated situation.

We want to help the person who's being attacked.

We want to do something for them.

And what do we do?

Because our hearts really can jump in there and do things,

But that can cause a lot of pain and suffering.

I found what I'm going to suggest now works far better,

And I think we'll really like it if we try it.

The first one has to do with children.

I really love children,

But over the years,

As I'm sure you've seen too,

Sometimes we're in a public place and a child is acting up and they're screaming and they're yelling or crying real hard.

And the parent just starts screaming at them in a very unkind way.

I found that to be really hard on my heart.

So many years ago I came up with a solution.

It's very simple,

And I find that it really works.

I always carry with me these little key chains that are animals and they make noises.

The ones I'm carrying now are an owl and a dragon,

And they light up,

Their eyes light up,

And they make noises.

And what I do is,

I don't address the parent at all unless I feel like I may need permission to help,

But I go right up to the child with my toy and I turn it on.

And it's so fascinating to them that almost always,

Pretty much always,

They stop crying,

They stop being upset,

And the parents calm down,

And everyone begins to smile,

And they usually really like my toy.

So I found instead of being upset at the parent for being upset at their child and the child for being upset at the parent,

That this little technique of kindness works really well.

And I'm not sure if this is going to work,

But I'm going to try and show you the noises that my toys make.

Here's the owl.

And here's the dragon.

And if you like this idea and wonder where you can get these,

Again,

They're usually on keychains,

Little keychains,

In novelty stores.

I found them all over the place.

Just keep your eyes open,

And when you see them,

Buy them and try it.

I think you'll find it a really good way to diffuse unhappiness that can occur between a parent and a child.

But over the years,

I've also learned what's hard for me,

As it may be hard for you,

Is when I see one person being unkind towards another.

We can see this a lot when we're out and about,

Say at a restaurant or at a store,

Where the customer isn't treating the clerk very well.

Or sometimes it's the other way around,

And the clerk isn't treating the customer very well.

Well,

At first what I tried to do is I go up to the person who is angry and just gently say,

Is everything all right?

Because I thought,

And sometimes it does work,

But I thought that if I went up to them,

I could help diffuse it through kindness.

And like I said,

Sometimes it does work.

They'll tell you what happened,

And just being able to listen to them can be very soothing.

If it's a clerk behind a counter who's being unkind to me,

And I've asked them,

Is everything okay?

Because I don't think I did anything to offend you.

And they'll say,

Well,

My boyfriend just broke up with me.

Or,

Well,

The previous customer that just came here was really rude.

There often is a reason that they're being unkind.

Or maybe I did something that I wasn't aware of,

And I can rectify that,

Because now I know.

But when it's another person that's not directed at me,

And they're being unkind towards,

I found that often it's harder to diffuse that.

And what happens is that venom they're throwing at the other person gets directed at me.

So here's what I found in these situations.

When it's between two other people,

I'm not involved,

But one person is being unkind towards another.

I direct my attention towards a person who's being treated unkindly,

Only that person.

And I may talk to them.

I may encourage them.

I may smile at them.

I may leave a review,

A kind one saying how good they did.

I may talk to their manager and compliment them.

Just doing something kind towards them,

I believe,

Will help them feel better.

And sometimes it often diffuses the anger of the other person,

Because it's harder to remain angry at someone when someone else is being kind towards them.

I mean,

Think of this example.

Let's say there's a bully at school,

And he's picking on a little kid.

And you see that.

Now,

Of course,

You may go up to the bully and challenge him.

Or what if instead you put your arm around the younger person and said,

Hey,

Want to go play some ball?

And you just walk away with them.

Or you start talking to them and befriending them.

I think,

One,

It'd be harder for that bully to continue.

But,

Two,

It'd make that other person feel so much better.

And I think it's like that.

When we direct our attention towards a person who is suffering,

That feels so good.

It's just so loving and kind.

I think attacking the person who's attacking them,

Again,

That just leads to more suffering.

I mean,

There's times we can get the police involved,

Of course.

Or if they're physically accosting them,

We could try to restrain them.

But mostly what we do,

Because those instances are very rare,

So mostly what we can do is just focus on the person who's been treated unkindly and give them kindness.

And let me end with an example that might help us realize how we could do this.

Because I've done this many times.

Let's say we're at a restaurant and a female waitress is being treated very unkindly by another customer.

They're being berated.

They're being talked down to.

They're being cursed,

Perhaps.

And what I'll do when they come to my table,

One,

I'll compliment how good a job they're doing,

How glad I am they're serving me.

Two,

I'll probably go to the manager and say,

Wow,

This person was awesome and great.

And three,

I will probably leave a review if I can.

And four,

I'll even go out of my way and leave a very nice tip if I'm able to.

Now you may think that's a little excessive,

But I find it often makes their day go a lot better.

And it makes my heart feel better,

Too.

These are just examples.

You can do whatever you find is appropriate.

I think if we listen to our hearts,

We'll know there's something that we can do.

But the key is there are ways to be kind towards a person who's being treated unkindly.

It's very hard to put our attention either directly to stop it or even being kind towards a person who's being unkind towards another.

Often we then get their venom pointed at us.

Instead,

Let's put our attention towards a person who's being treated unkindly in a loving way.

I think we'll find that very effective.

Now at this point,

You may want to turn the podcast off because I'm going to talk about something that is more of my spiritual belief system.

And you don't have to abide by it.

You don't have to agree to it.

You may not even want to listen to it.

But I want to share it because it has directed my life and perhaps it will have some impact on yours.

But over the years,

Many,

Many years ago,

I began developing an interest in what is called near-death studies or near-death experiences.

I got involved in reading cases about people who died.

Perhaps they were on the operating table,

Their hearts stopped,

And then a few minutes later they were resuscitated or they drowned.

Their hearts stopped and someone was able to bring them back to life.

Those are called near-death experiences.

And millions,

Not joking,

Millions of people around the world have had them.

They've become quite popular.

So I'm sure you've heard of them.

But the part to me that's very interesting is that a third to half of the people that have them come back and talk about what's called the life review.

And the life review has two parts to it.

One part,

You get to see your entire life from the beginning to the point where you died in totality and how you impacted other people.

How you treated them,

What you said,

Every way in which you interact with them,

Whether you're kind,

Whether you're harsh,

And that seems to matter.

But the second thing,

You get to see it from their side,

How you made them feel by the way you treated them,

By the words you shared.

You get to see their side too.

And it's not one of judgment.

I think if there's any judgment,

We judge ourselves.

But it's definitely a stance of honesty that you get to honestly look at your life and can't hide from it.

Every little secret gets exposed.

And so if we have been unkind to people,

We'll get to see that.

And it won't be hidden.

So I think what I've learned is when people have these experiences,

They realize that treating other people kindly is very important,

Critically important.

And I believe it is good for us to be happy to be kind.

But I also believe we're here as spiritual beings to be kind.

And that's one of our main lessons to learn.

So when someone is being unkind,

Instead of lashing out or punching back at them,

We can say,

Oh,

They have something to teach me.

They're teaching me how to be kind in the face of unkindness.

And I'm gonna take that challenge,

I'm gonna rise to it,

I'm gonna use the techniques I've learned here,

And be kind back.

And I think if we do do that,

We'll find that our lives are filled with far more joy and happiness than if we choose the path of being unkind.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

If you are finding these episodes helpful,

I would love for you to share your experience with others.

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That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

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Often you can leave reviews there,

Too.

The reviews are an awesome way to encourage people to start listening to the Happiness Podcast.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you, it was interesting. I will try your techniques, and listen to it again.

Very thoughtful provoking! Provided a new way of thinking and handling potentially unkind people and situations 🙏🏻❤️

I have really enjoyed Dr Puff for a few years now, but this is one of my absolute favorites. Thank you for the practical advice.

I always feel so enriched by your message and calmed by your gentle voice. This episode is another great one! Thank you.

Your KINDNESS Tutorial is Transformational
I’m adding Kindness to my Faith, Hope and Love Path!

Thanks Doctor Puff ❤️

I love Dr. Puff’s guidance. Great insight to live in greater harmony within ourselves and in our interactions with others.

Thank you very much 🙏

Excellent podcast and spot on. There is so much truth in your words. I’ve been on both ends on the spectrum and I’ve worked hard over the years to show kindness consistently even to those that do not extend kindness to me.

I listen to all of your podcasts here and I get something out of each and everyone of them. Some however speak to me a little louder!

Please keep spreading happiness here on Insight Timer!