The questions I hear most often in my therapy practice goes something like this.
I'm making dinner,
Unloading the dishwasher,
Trying to finish up one or more things,
And my partner comes up behind me,
Wraps his arms around me,
Grabs a boob,
Grabs my butt,
And I'm immediately irritated,
And then he feels rejected.
Why does this keep happening to us?
I'm using a heterosexual example because it's one of the things I most frequently hear.
However,
This dynamic can happen in any type of relationship.
So the first thing I want you to know is that neither one of you is wrong.
You're just experiencing desire differently.
So some partners have what's called spontaneous desire.
They just show up to the party ready to go.
They're already interested in sex.
And so reaching out physically from that space feels very natural to them.
However,
Other partners have what's called more responsive desire.
It just takes more stimulation for them to get to the place of desire.
So they might need more emotional stimulation.
They might need more intellectual stimulation or they might need more physical stimulation,
They don't just start off ready to go and their nervous system is not in a place where it's ready to accept that kind of touch spontaneously.
So what might feel really good to one partner in that moment oftentimes doesn't feel like something the other partner is ready for.
Many sex therapists and sexuality educators estimate that the majority of women in long-term relationships shift from a spontaneous desire when there's that new relationship energy to more of a response of desire as the relationship becomes more secure.
And the majority of men tend to maintain that spontaneous desire.
So these are not rules.
There's plenty of women who maintain spontaneous desire throughout the course of their relationships.
And there's some men that shift into more of a responsive desire.
So there's no rules about it.
That's just what we see more of.
And it sets up the start of mismatched desire in the couple,
Or what I call the sex knot.
Certainly this can happen in all different types of relationships.
So let's get back to the kicker.
If you're focused on making dinner,
Thinking about all the things that you need to do and trying to get everybody to bed on time or out the door,
Your nervous system isn't focused on sex or sensuality in that moment.
And there's a science behind it.
When you have a whole lot of cortisol and your nervous system is elevated,
Our body shuts down the parasympathetic nervous system.
And that's the nervous system that's responsible for rest,
Digestion and desire.
So if you think about it,
If you're being chased,
By a saber-toothed tiger,
The last thing you're probably going to do is stop and have sex.
So your nervous system is just not ready in that moment to experience sensual touch.
In that moment,
Your body's doing what your body's designed to do by shutting off that parasympathetic nervous system.
And that way,
Your resources are able to be available to deal with the stressor that's going on.
Your partner's coming from a different space.
And so he's in a place where he's more ready.
And when he's grabbing you,
He's thinking that he's trying to connect.
And be flirty.
That doesn't mean that your feelings of irritation are wrong.
Your feelings of irritation are normal.
You just haven't had the opportunity for your body to become ready yet.
Understanding this difference doesn't automatically solve the problem,
But hopefully it can soften the story that you tell yourself about what's going on.
So while your mind might be going to places like,
They're always groping me,
Or he might be thinking,
I'm always getting rejected.
Instead,
We can notice that those thoughts are there and notice it with a little bit of curiosity.
So I'm feeling nervous.
I'm feeling pressured.
I'm feeling irritated.
And then when we make space for those feelings,
Instead of immediately reacting from them,
We're able to decide how we then want to respond to those feelings.
While I'm feeling irritated,
Can I also notice that this is coming from a place of desire to connect with me on his part.
Frequently what we do is that we either act from the irritation.
So maybe we act out of anger or pull away,
Or we might even act out of a sense of duty or that feeling of guilt and lean into desire that's not really there already yet.
And that actually tightens the sex knot.
So the goal isn't to eliminate the disappointment or the feelings of rejection.
It's to be a little bit more flexible in how you respond when they are present.
And that way you have a better chance of moving towards connection rather than moving further apart.
