The Longevity Secrets For Love | The WISDOM Podcast | S3 E21

In this episode, I share what you can do to exist as authentic and true - first to yourself; and to enlist each of these three longevity secrets to ensure happiness, great love, and the confidence in knowing that you have chosen well in a partner.

Naturally, we look to our love relationship as the main source of validation and worth. It’s one place but certainly not the only one. Join me here to shift your perspective on how you look for a partner and love.

Music by Ludvig Cimbrelius

Transcript

The whole truth for what you need to find forever love.

It's a deeply ingrained part of our human condition.

The desire for validation and approval are among the strongest motivating forces.

Feeling approved of and loved contributes to feeling confident and worthy.

Naturally,

We look to our love relationship as a main source of validation and worth.

It's one place,

But certainly not the only.

As you listen on,

I hope that you will realize even more the importance of developing a relationship with yourself first,

And to continue to dedicate energy and attention to the one person that needs to love you the most.

So in the world of dating,

It's natural to want to show up when you meet someone for the first time,

To show them your best self.

Yet your best self is something that you want to ideally live as.

It's not something that can be acquired by wearing a nice dress or a sport jacket.

Your best self begins on the inside.

It's who you are at your core.

It is the consistent personality traits and behaviors that allow you to be this one amazing version of you in all situations.

To live consistently as your best self requires your moment-by-moment attention.

To know what best self means to you,

And then choosing it again and again.

For example,

Is living as your best self you laughing easily?

Is it you feeling happy with the simple things in life,

And this spills over into all of your interactions with others?

Is your best self what you bring each time you do a household task or train for a marathon?

If this sounds daunting,

Then remember you are in all of life choosing to be your best self,

Ultimately for you.

And yes,

If you're not quite there yet,

It's okay to keep working on this.

In fact,

We are always choosing in every moment our best self or the absence of this.

If you begin to think in this way,

Then you bring your attention in a different way to everything you do and also how you think in each moment.

In love,

It's important that you are honest with yourself and whomever you are speaking with and not attempting to show someone only what you think they want to see and hear.

Because in a stressful situation,

In a moment in which you've misunderstood what someone has said and you find yourself reacting to your perception of a situation,

Or in a moment of low confidence or vulnerability,

Your dark side is going to show up.

Your dark side can be more descriptively explained as the parts of you that you are not wholly happy with,

The parts that you hide away and hope that they don't surface.

Like for example,

A reactionary temperament,

Or perhaps a belief system that has followed you since childhood that you have never learned how to challenge and change,

Causing you to continue to believe that you are not worthy or deserving.

Or perhaps you have a past that you would like to forget rather than make peace with.

There are many things to prepare for if you are truly in search of love that will help you choose the right partner and to be the best possible partner because you have taken the time to shed the aspects of yourself that no longer serve you and thus allow your light to shine brightly.

In this episode,

I'd like you to take in my words and the wisdom that I share to assess what you could still do to ensure that you are making it possible for yourself to exist as authentic and true,

And to enlist each of these three longevity secrets to ensure happiness,

Great love,

And the confidence in knowing that you have chosen well in a partner.

And still,

You never stop simultaneously giving to yourself for what you need to thrive,

To show up at your best for all of the relationships you hold.

What if I said that we too easily begin a relationship with someone before knowing them well?

Recently a client described how she began to like her flatmate after two years of living together.

It was only after he expressed an interest in her that she began to think about him in a romantic way,

Even though she had much earlier discern that the two would be incompatible in a relationship.

When he began to distance himself and make excuses for why he no longer wanted to spend time together after a few weeks of intense courtship,

It was rejection for my client.

The moment that you like someone,

You are now invested in your desire to continue to feel these positive feelings,

So much so that you want the relationship to fit.

You want the relationship to work.

You want to be the one,

Even if the most honest and truthful part of you knows already that this is not the right nor best fit for you.

Even so,

You may continue in this growing relationship,

Hopeful and yet ignoring the painful signs that you have some important differing ideals,

Beliefs,

And behaviors in areas that matter just enough that it would be a problem.

In this case,

A decision was made for my client.

Whatever this was,

Was now over.

Yet what about all of the couples that stay on in their relationship past the initial stages where you both are being on your best behavior,

And now you struggle with ongoing issues and have this heavy feeling because this relationship is a lot of effort and work for the payoff.

There may also be a trust issue that you have because this person has shown you that they are not entirely trustworthy.

Or maybe you are bending just a little too much in who you are because you need to in order for this relationship to continue.

Bending,

Compromising on what's important,

Adjusting,

Altering parts of your belief system,

Your ideals,

Even how you live in the day-to-day moments of your life begins to do something ever so slightly.

You relinquish some of what may be the most important parts of you in hopes that you will fit better into the life of another.

We have all likely done this to some degree in our desire to continue in a relationship because we really like someone,

The someone that has also shown us initially their best self.

What happens when you like and even begin to love the best version of someone?

Do you anticipate or expect that that is who they will always be?

In cases where someone treats you less than kind,

Are they having a bad moment and unable to self-regulate because of course we are all human?

Or is this less kind and loving version who they often are?

And how do you know?

If one member of a couple decides that who they aspire to be is going to change significantly from who they currently are,

It can mean a huge readjustment for the other person.

And when you have an emotional connection and deep feelings for someone,

It can seem a little like you've been conned.

This person showed you all of their best self and now you are seeing other parts of them.

Slowly but surely our dark side and the traits that we are not happy with nor proud of begin to show up.

Is it possible that you will still continue in this relationship with the hope that your partner will return to being only the best version of them that they initially showed you?

In the research on abusive relationships,

We know that one of the reasons why someone will continue in a toxic and abusive relationship is due to the flawed premise and misguided hope that their partner will return to being the charming,

Kind,

And attentive person that they were at the outset.

I also hear the candid truth of clients who admit that they indeed from the outset overlooked some or much of what was problematic.

For example,

Of what behaviors were unkind,

Selfish,

Or abusive because they wanted the relationship so badly to work.

Your true self reveals itself pretty quickly.

There is no hiding it.

This is why it is so important to do the work,

To make what changes will help you be the one version,

The best version of you.

And this is what I call your wholeness and your best self.

Again to practice living as your best self as much as possible.

It's natural in our humanness to lose patience or to react without self-control,

But that these are rare moments and not the norm.

To that end,

Most people will admit that they want their love relationship to work,

To not be another statistic.

If you already invested a good deal of time and energy in your love relationship,

You may have also made excuses for why you should continue in it,

Why you should ignore an unhealthy situation or consistent bad behavior and not make a big deal about it.

Or maybe you've talked yourself into some of the untruths for why you won't find someone better.

These are all examples of how we make a relationship more valuable than it truly is.

A love relationship is always to add to the quality of your life,

Not diminish it.

The idea of two people who have found their ideal partner and wish to remain together for as long as they live is a real possibility.

If you want to have a happily ever after love relationship,

What do you need?

Let me dive into the list.

This is a list of the secrets of longevity and what you need to be responsible for as you make one of the most important decisions of your life,

Choosing the right person to share your life with in the most intimate and beautiful way.

If you want to have happily ever after,

There are a few critical factors that makes this possible,

Including the certainty that you and your partner will change over the course of your relationship.

Understanding the change in who you both continue to become will be possible with one important criteria.

You need to know yourself extremely well first.

Knowledge of who you are then determines what you want in a partner and a love relationship.

The first item on the love longevity list is knowing yourself well and with this your willingness to do the inner work of self-awareness,

Self-reflection,

And introspection to discover all of who you are.

Let's look at this from a practical perspective.

What are your values?

Values are your highest level ideals.

From your list of values,

You set goals for yourself and a plan for all that you want to experience,

Have,

Be,

Accomplish,

And live.

In all of relationships,

We can expect that both people will change.

Who you are at the outset of your relationship will be different as you walk through life.

You want to be an ever-evolving version of yourself that continues to grow and develop and that yearns for more.

This is how you thrive.

Your highest level values and the beliefs you hold may change somewhat,

But not drastically.

You decide what changes are important in congruence with your highest ideals in order to be on a path that you deem to be of great honor and dignity.

This is what you call living as the best version of yourself or your ideal self.

To live as your ideal consistently means that you show up being the one best version of you in all situations and in all moments as much as possible.

This allows you to feel confident in who you are and what you stand for.

This process lends itself to another question.

Do you remain in a love relationship where you have evolved and changed by choice to the extent that now you are two very different and largely incompatible people?

I'll give you my answer with the second item on the love longevity list.

This is to choose well,

The most compatible partner based on knowing yourself well and knowing your partner extremely well.

It also goes without saying that your partner needs to have a good sense of self and to continue in their own personal development just as you are.

If one or both members of a couple have relinquished some or several of what values,

Goals,

And ideals they hold in an effort to make their relationship work,

At some future point,

They realize that even those sacrifices aren't enough.

If you sacrifice your happiness and what you believe is important,

Unless you can turn this around,

To reclaim what has always been yours to live and enjoy,

And to begin to do this whilst in your relationship and with the love and support of your partner to be your authentic self,

At some future point,

You will no longer be able to sustain the relationship as it is.

You,

Your partner,

Each one of us thrives in the knowledge of who we are,

In the ongoing self-directed study of self and the eternal quest for self-improvement and personal growth that occurs naturally as we walk through life.

If you have not chosen a partner based on your honest needs and desires,

Then you will always be missing something important in that relationship.

This is because you thrive in whole honesty and truthfulness and nothing less.

If you have made positive changes in yourself over the course of your relationship and if you recognize that your partner and you are no longer compatible,

I would say that it is likely that some or many of those differences already existed at the outset.

Choosing well is choosing a partner who is highly compatible with you based on knowing yourself and knowing your partner well.

This allows you both to experience change and personal growth and still continue to have all of the most important life values in common.

Each one of us is ever-changing even if we resist change.

What's most important is that you are upfront,

Transparent,

And wholly honest with who you are at the outset of any relationship.

Your honesty is what allows you to find the very best partner,

Most suited for you,

Even as you continue to evolve and to make the changes that you seek in yourself,

To being the one version of you that is your ideal self.

Rounding out the big three of your love longevity list,

And by the way,

These are not sequential in value,

Rather they act in synergy with each other.

Each one supports and flourishes in the presence of the others.

A third longevity secret in love is your willingness to be completely and wholly honest and real with yourself.

First in being self-aware in who you are at this moment and to also be willing to speak your truth at all times with your partner,

To never hold back from being real and authentic,

To be yourself in their presence in all moments because they need to know you and they can only know you if you are being honest and real.

You may not be happy with yourself in moments when you lose patience,

When you are less than kind,

When you are living in your darkness.

What is important is to be willing to correct and change whatever is not wholly who you truly are at your core in order to witness your wholeness and healing and as you shed what is not needed.

There is so much that is more valuable at this stage than the distraction of looking to find someone to love you.

With the incredible amount of knowledge and wisdom you gain from the ongoing and lifelong exercise of being completely honest and truthful with yourself and in sharing all of who you are with a potential partner,

You are halfway there.

Your intimate and honest knowledge of yourself sets a path and a course for all of what your life may hold and far beyond choosing the best possible partner.

One member of a couple described how it was seven years in that her partner announced and in the middle of a fight that he really did want children,

That he had gone along with his partners upfront and honest reveal in the early days of knowing each other that she did not want children.

She loved children,

She loved being with children,

Yet somewhere deep within her she knew that being a parent was not what was truly in her desired future.

At the time,

Her partner made the subtle but vastly important call and said that children were not important to him either,

But they were,

At least at that moment in time they were.

Over the course of their 20 plus years now in relationship,

They had many heartfelt conversations,

Discussions and also arguments that centered around this sensitive topic,

A topic that she thought was already decided simply because his decision was to stay in the relationship,

That what the relationship gave him was more important than what it may mean to have children.

It wasn't until that argument,

Seven years in,

That her partner revealed his truth.

He had agreed to not having children because early on everything else was perfect and he did not want to jeopardize losing her.

There will always be some tough decisions you will need to make.

I hope that you will always be honest with yourself first and foremost.

To realize when a compromise is not in violation of your ideals means knowing yourself well and being wholly self-honest.

I firmly believe that in the end,

If you are true to yourself,

Life has a way of stepping up to give you everything that you could possibly need and much more.

Because what we want may not be exactly the best thing for our highest good at that moment.

Perhaps our need for something at that time was based more on the societal pressure to fit in and conform to the masses or an idealized want that is not truly for the best reasons.

It's important to think through what is definitively right for you.

There may be times that you are pressed to question your values with complete honesty.

See if your values continue to be as important as they once were.

It may be and so you've just affirmed this truth for yourself.

Yet sometimes you may realize that what you wanted may be because of what you were taught or shown you should have or do rather than what is truly right for you.

Sometimes our decisions may need more self-honesty and to focus entirely on what is right and best for who we currently are.

In the end,

This client's partner had made peace with his decision to choose the relationship.

He never looked back on his decision knowing that it would mean never having children.

You can check in with yourself to see if your decision is still right for you.

You can always change your mind and your decision just as long as you continue to remain wholly honest with yourself.

What is most important is that you always honor your truth.

What do you do if one of your beliefs and desires are different from that of someone you deeply care about?

What if that someone happens to be the person that you want to live out the rest of your life with?

Do you honor what is right for you and walk away even if everything else about that person is truly perfect?

I think many of us face those pivotal moments of relying on our heart to guide us.

If you remain true to yourself and to what is most important for you based on your heartfelt desires and the confident knowing of your goals and dreams,

Life has a perfect way of working out in support of you.

It's when you compromise your highest level values that you feel disappointed,

Unfulfilled and unhappy.

Knowing yourself well means knowing what your values and goals are,

Including which values are non-negotiable.

In the rush to find and feel love,

You may convince yourself to settle for what you have found rather than continuing the search.

I have worked with many clients who went through a period of feeling discouraged and even hopeless before they agreed to my request that they first find love for their self.

And of course,

With my help to do this.

You see,

When you rush off to find someone to love you,

You may be willing to settle for less than what you need and deserve.

You may also find yourself continually discouraged and let down because the truth is you will never receive all that you need from another person 24-7.

It's not physically possible.

That other person needs to be responsible for their positive feelings of self and self-love.

You need to do the same.

It's not filling yourself with the love of another that makes you whole.

You already are whole.

If you do not feel whole,

Then it's important to reclaim the parts of you that are fragmented.

They exist within you.

They may look like this.

Self honesty,

Discipline,

Patience,

Kindness,

Self-respect,

Confidence,

And of course,

Self-love.

The fragmented parts of you may be the reminders that you need to show up first for yourself before you can expect someone to show up for you.

Love from another is a visible and certain reminder of your greatness,

That you are deserving and worthy of receiving great love and to also be this for another.

You are always meant to love yourself first.

First and also always.

The more worth that you feel of yourself does not make you egocentric.

Rather,

It reinforces your value,

Your worth,

Your ability to feel loved of this beautiful energy that transcends your every word and action.

Being worthy and confident in your deserving of love is what makes you attractive beyond your physical appearance.

And it is what others gravitate towards because they can sense and appreciate your inner confidence and the deeper knowing that you hold that says,

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I am lovable and incredible.

And I am proud to be me.

If you want lasting love and if you are looking for and believe in the forever love that transcends the physical world to beautiful souls that love beyond this present moment and simultaneously forever of this moment,

Begin with yourself.

All of these secrets for longevity in a love relationship are initiated by you.

And if you are currently in a love relationship that you plan to be in forever,

If you have already found the right partner,

You still need to continue in the work of self-growth and self-fulfillment that only you are responsible for.

The idea is to live whole and happy in who you are and to never expect another to be responsible for your happiness and the many achievements of your life.

Your life is shaped by your choices and the freedom that you hold to pursue everything that is most desired.

This is not selfish,

Rather self-love.

You live love to the fullest based on your terms because this is how you experience love and care of yourself.

So this brings me to right here,

Right now,

And some questions that I leave for you to contemplate.

How honest are you in your existing love relationship?

Is it 100% or less?

How honest are you with people that you meet and date?

How honest are you with yourself?

What do you need to be more self-honest about?

If you are unhappy with a part of your relationship,

Speak to it.

Make it better through honesty and your deliberate effort to be your ideal self in all moments into your decision to have the romance and love and affection that you want more of.

And then be honest with yourself.

What do you need to give to yourself that will also allow you to feel nurtured and appreciated and loved because this is something that you are also responsible for doing for yourself?

As one member of a couple makes deliberate changes in a direction of what is most wanted,

The changes may mean that both individuals are now different in some of their values and beliefs.

Yet you must continue to honor what is important to your partner.

Not every change you make will be one that they wish to make as well.

Both members of a couple can disagree.

You will have different opinions and you can also have some differing beliefs.

Longevity exists because you've chosen well in who you've chosen and you both support each other even if some of your values and beliefs are now different.

Yes,

Of course,

Your highest level values must obviously be aligned.

When you choose well based on who you are and the best possible person for you that will support you in all of who you are,

Then you both can weather the change that naturally occurs as both members of the couple grow and evolve,

Whether at the same or differing speeds.

Mutual respect means that you can allow someone to be who they are without needing them to hold all of the same values and opinions that you do.

And finally,

A few other worthy notes and tips in your journey of finding great love.

The longevity of a love relationship is built upon full disclosure,

Respect,

And the freedom to allow one another to live authentic to who you both are.

Your beliefs and values aligned for the majority of what is most important allows you to live highly compatible.

This makes it easier to share opinions and to take a stand on what matters most to you both,

When you choose someone who has,

Like you,

Taken the time to know themselves well before stepping into the dating world and a love relationship.

I think about the concept of speed dating and it's a little like that.

You are conducting an interview with the person that you are speaking with,

Preferably live and in person,

Or at least on a video call where you can truly observe them.

It's important that you ask the pointed questions that will uncover what you need to know in that very first meeting.

You can also do an initial screening with someone by phone where you can hear their answers in real time and not rehearse nor carefully scripted in an email.

As you learn more about someone,

You will also want to see them in their true light.

We are not always able to be at our best.

You need to have the experience of witnessing someone's dark side or dark moments long before you decide if this is the right person for you.

Be willing to reveal all of who you are as you get to know someone.

It's what allows you to further build your confidence because to speak to what you want and to do so with the resolve that says this is important to me and this is what I want for my life makes it easier for the other person to know immediately if they share the same outlook and values.

Dating is the most important prep work that if done well leads you into a relationship that is going to be good for you,

Not one that you will be dependent on,

Rather a love relationship that you will enjoy as you know yourself well and as you continue to develop who you are and as you are able to be all of who you are in the presence of another.

The success of a relationship depends first on choosing well.

You can do this as you know yourself well and as you do the work to become the person that you truly want to be and as you live whole and complete and of your truth.

Being truthful to yourself frees you to choose a partner that is absolutely the best based on what you want in a love relationship.

Truth and honesty must continue to be the guideposts because whole honesty and transparency is how you access the deepest and most intimate levels of another being and this depth of intimacy and care is replicated each time that you hold witness to this.

I'm going to round out my love longevity list with the obvious additional qualities of loyalty,

Trustworthiness,

Integrity,

Kindness,

And compassion and as you build what I recommend to all clients looking for love,

An ideal mate list,

You will have many other criteria that are important and necessary for what you want in a partner.

The longevity of a love relationship includes many facets,

All of which are a natural outpouring of the two people in relationship with one another.

Remember that your challenges in being together and in being the best version of yourself are to help you to be more,

To be at your best,

To live congruent to your highest self,

And to be the one best version of you in all moments.

Open your heart in a way that allows you to love another unconditionally.

Choosing well in a partner based on knowing yourself best and with complete and whole honesty and truthfulness will give you a high degree of compatibility and the visible markers for a lasting love relationship.

All of these factors help to make your love relationship the best it could possibly be.

If you would like my help as you dive into yourself to be all that you can be in preparation for meeting the one based on what you decide you want and need,

Please reach out to me.

I'll also leave some pretty awesome links in the description for resources that will help you get started towards all of the ways that you can better love and appreciate you in the meantime.

And as you live your decision to be love unto yourself,

You are ready.

You will find epic love.

Begin with this love longevity list.

I'll be rooting for you.

Sending you great love.

This is Dorothy.

Namaste.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of the Wisdom Podcast.

To hear more,

Please check out the other episodes here,

As well as my guided meditations,

Including my signature prose meditations and I am mantras,

And as well the meditations to guide you into a deep and restorative sleep.

Please also visit me on social media and say hello.

And a special thank you to Insight Timer for this beautiful space to share all of my love.

Allow yourself to go within,

To access your inner wisdom,

And to live this.

Awaken your authentic power,

Live your truth,

And be love.

Namaste.

Reviews

So beautiful and profound, thank you Dorothy. 🙏💖

I love it! So full of wisdom, practical advice, and really diving deep into first loving and knowing yourself. Thank you for sharing this. 💗🙏🏾🫶🏽