It's not what you say,
It's how you say it.
That's what we're going to talk about today,
Tone.
Taking words and adding an emotion,
An inflection,
An edge to them and the impact that that emotion,
Inflection,
Edge has on you and those you're communicating with.
The importance of tone can't be underestimated and it doesn't matter whether you're saying something to yourself and letting your subconscious inherently interpret that message or whether you're speaking outwardly,
Orally or in writing to others.
Words convey meaning and they carry a tone.
Even when we miscommunicate,
When we send a message to ourselves or to others that we had never intended to send,
It's not because of language,
It's because of what we said in a particular way and how we were perceived to have said something.
So everybody,
Including our own internal self,
React to messages in two ways,
Rationally and emotionally.
The former is usually associated with what we had to say,
With the content.
Did the information we provided make sense to ourselves,
To others?
Did a light bulb go off?
Did we convince someone?
Did we convince ourselves?
Did it help us or others to make a decision?
Tone,
On the other hand,
Is often connected to the emotional response people have to a message.
And this response can be positive,
Negative or neutral.
Ideally,
We'd like people,
Including our internal self,
To not only understand and appreciate what we have to say,
But how we say it.
A positive reaction benefits both the sender of the message and the receiver,
Even if that receiver is our own subconscious.
This reaction,
This positive reaction,
Helps to build trust,
Create and maintain attention,
And it opens the door to fruitful discussions with others and with ourselves.
A negative reaction does the reverse.
Indeed,
As readers,
As listeners,
We get caught up in our own emotional reaction to a message,
Often without even being aware of what has set us off.
But while we are fuming,
Disagreeing,
Feeling embarrassed,
Or any other negative response,
We are not paying attention to the message itself,
And we are not open to the content conveyed in that message.
And we will have a less receptive reader or listener,
Including our own subconscious,
The next time we reach out.
The emotional impact of what we say cannot be underemphasized.
The amazing American poet Maya Angelou once said,
I've learned that people will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget how you made them feel.
That's what tone does.
It makes people,
Including ourselves,
Feel unworthy or applauded.
It makes us feel heard or dismissed.
It makes us feel ignored or welcome.
The choice is up to us.
So here's an example of what happens when a negative tone intrudes on a message.
So we have two people who are going out on a date.
We're going to call one of them Dick Rod.
He asks my friend out for a date next Friday.
There's a mix up over what's meant by the term next.
He calls to find out why my friend is not at the appointed place at the appointed hour,
And he snaps,
Where are you?
My friend responds to the tone,
Not the content.
We've all been asked nicely or curiously or eagerly,
Where are you?
That elicits a different response than the one Dick received.
My friend picks up on his annoyance and reacts to the perceived or intended slap on the wrist.
It's all downhill from here,
And she goes on to marry someone else.
So that's an inappropriate tone,
But let's break this down a little further.
Dick Rod asks with obvious displeasure,
Where are you?
While my friend is responding and while the conversation is continuing,
My friend is thinking to herself something like this.
What is wrong with you?
Next Friday doesn't mean this Friday,
You idiot.
If you meant this Friday,
Why didn't you say that?
Oh,
Right,
You're not that bright.
This internal dialogue,
Usually conducted at breakneck speed and full volume,
Is called noise.
As communicators,
As meditators,
We want to avoid noise.
It takes our audience away from the message and coats the communication in a tenor that detracts from our content and our chance of success.
The significant effect tone has on an audience is not surprising.
A 2016 study conducted at New York University found that more than 80% of people hear an inner voice while they read.
They are finding the human in our communication.
If what we have to say sounds cold and different,
Dismissive or otherwise negative,
People will react to that because they hear us in their heads.
That includes hearing yourself in your own head.
Listeners also have the same reaction,
Although we have a greater opportunity to enhance tone when we are speaking out loud.
So I'm going to give you three numbers.
7,
38,
And 55.
And here are three elements of communication.
Words,
Gestures,
And voice.
Now try matching up those three numbers,
7,
38,
And 55,
With the three elements of communication.
This is how people interpret what we're saying,
Regardless of what we may have intended to say to ourselves or to others.
So what element,
Words,
Gestures,
Voice,
Carries the most weight?
The least?
In the classic book,
Silent Messenger,
A psychology professor at the University of California,
Los Angeles,
Determined that the communications component people relied on the most to derive meaning from a message was gestures and body language.
The least important was the words themselves.
Tone came in the middle at 38%.
But if all you have is tone,
If you are speaking to yourselves or to others,
And there's no ability to have body gestures or facial expressions,
Tone takes on an increasingly important role.
We need to remember this when we speak to ourselves and when we write in our journal,
In emails,
In any other form.
If we stand stiffly before our colleagues in a meeting and look down at our notes,
Not making eye contact,
What message are we sending about our confidence in our content and ourselves,
Regardless of what it is we might actually be saying?
Likewise,
A well-crafted letter that sounds distant or condescending conveys a tone that supersedes the words themselves.
And if we say an affirmation or a message to ourselves silently and we don't believe it,
We don't sound convincing,
We don't take the time to emphasize the words that need to be emphasized and believe in that content,
Our subconscious won't believe it either.
So it's essential to determine in advance not only what we want to say,
But how we want those words to sound.
If we make a mistake,
If we misstep,
People will turn inward and then they will have noise,
Including ourselves,
And our message will fail to achieve its purpose.
We'll be forced to communicate again or find another solution.
There's a relatively famous quote that's often used when we talk about tone.
It says,
10% of conflict is due to difference of opinion and 90% is due to tone of voice and delivery.
That's an important message for us to remember the next time we're talking to others and ourselves.
I hope you enjoyed this talk.
Take care.
