Can I love while loosing who or what I want or being scared

We feel vulnerable when we love. We feel desperate when we lose the one we love. We feel scared to open again and be hurt. But within us is the love that passes understanding. We can love ourselves even as we reject ourselves. Self love can love the self rejection.

Transcript

What do I do when I want something and I can't seem to control it?

Say you love someone and you don't know if they love you back,

Or maybe you do know that they don't love you back the way that you want them to love you.

What happens inside your body?

What are the feelings that you're feeling?

Maybe you feel it in the pit of your stomach.

Noticing that feeling.

It's so sad and it's so angry.

It thinks it knows what is best and right.

It questions everything and it looks at what you do and where you may be screwed up or you failed.

It extrapolates what the future could look like.

It's panicked.

What's it panicking about?

Not being loved?

Can you be present to the fact that you have this feeling without it completely consuming you?

Maybe it has for a little while.

Maybe it's had your full attention.

Even as you went about doing other things,

It was running in the background,

Keeping that same heavy feeling the whole time.

Everything would be perfect if this just worked out.

It had a little taste of it.

Maybe it screwed up somehow.

What did it do wrong?

How can it get that person back?

It loves them or the idea of them more than it loves you.

It didn't know that.

It hadn't considered you before.

It just considered getting what it wanted.

It doesn't even want to bother itself with concerns for you.

It continues to look back at that person and that that's what I want.

It's terrified.

It's panicked.

Is that love?

And you sort through the feeling from this state of awareness of that feeling while you're in it.

It's weird to be feeling that and be aware that you're feeling it.

It doesn't want to consider you at all.

It goes back to thinking of that other person.

It's up to you to be aware of it as well as your own being.

And there's almost a tiredness of wanting to merge with that feeling,

That panicked feeling.

Because isn't that real?

Isn't that how life is?

Isn't that what we're supposed to go through?

Love and loss of love or love and having love?

But why is it so panicked?

So desperate?

I thought I loved this person and yet the feeling I feel at the idea of not having them is panic or desperation.

Or maybe if I'm feeling what it's like to be with them and the loss of my own self.

Like what if I merge with them and I lose myself?

That has its own panic and its own desperation too so either edge of that.

And I hadn't considered that before till I noticed this feeling.

That it wasn't feeling love,

It was feeling panic and desperation.

Whether the idea of merging or the idea of not merging.

And so I noticed that feeling.

And that feelings mind,

I don't want to go on.

I don't want to be here.

I'm so tired of this.

I just want to be loved.

What's so wrong with that?

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

I'm almost sick,

Sick with this feeling.

I don't want to eat,

I don't want to drink,

I don't want to think.

I just want things to be right.

I just want to be loved.

That felt so good.

And how is this aspect of myself in charge of my happiness?

How can it be in charge of my happiness when it's desperate and it's panicked and it's clinging?

I hadn't really noticed that aspect of it.

I just noticed how good it felt to be loved.

I didn't notice that panic and that desperation.

And now that I have,

I sit with that.

This doesn't feel good.

And yet if I imagine things working out,

It calms it down.

And it just starts to calculate,

How can I have that?

How can I get that back?

What do I need to do?

And yet everything is beyond its control.

You cannot control another human being.

You cannot make them do what you want.

And would we,

If we could?

Yes,

This part would.

For its own happiness,

For its own peace,

Its own ease,

It would negate the other person.

And is that love?

And it doesn't even care.

I don't care if it's love for them,

As long as it's happiness for me.

As long as I'm okay.

So is it healthy for this aspect of myself to be in charge of love within myself?

And especially,

Is it healthy if I offer it me and it rejects that?

This is one hell of a place to be.

So painful.

So desperate.

Can you feel that?

Just wants to cry.

Just wants to own,

To have.

To ensure its own happiness.

And can I love that aspect of me?

It doesn't want my love.

Can I love it anyway?

Isn't it interesting that it's similar to its own perspective?

It wants another to love it.

But it's rejecting what is trying to love it.

How does that live in me?

Wanting love and rejecting love at the same time.

And as I love it,

Even though it doesn't love me,

Where do I go inside myself to love that part?

Who can love at that level?

And there's another aspect of me that doesn't want to love at that level.

It just wants to be loved by the one I chose.

I want to be loved by the one I chose.

And I'm not choosing you.

I'm not choosing myself.

I'm choosing this other person.

But this other person has their own mind and heart and feelings to deal with.

And so I cannot control it.

I just want to control it.

But they seem to really enjoy me.

Why can't I control it?

And this focus is still external,

Wanting,

Wanting,

Wanting.

And the feeling inside me is almost nauseous.

Because I feel that panic,

That desperation.

And again I acknowledge,

How can this be love when it's panicked and desperate?

Am I feeling the desire for love?

Or am I feeling the desire to not be panicked and desperate?

What does this panicked,

Desperate part of myself know about me?

How does it know who I should be with?

But it felt so good.

It felt so wonderful.

It felt so right.

I don't want to lose that.

I don't want to lose that feeling of how wonderful it felt.

And then I acknowledge that there was love there.

There was that shared appreciation.

But if underneath that shared appreciation is this desperation,

Is this panic,

Which one is vibrating more strongly?

The shared appreciation?

Or was it a soothing to that panic and desperation?

I somewhat didn't even realize that panic and desperate aspect of myself.

Because I hadn't loved someone in a long time this way.

It hadn't been awakened until I experienced that connection,

That feeling,

That love.

And then when that got cut off,

The panic and desperation arose.

I don't want to lose that.

A lack of interest in life is associated with it.

Nothing is interesting.

Nothing is satisfying.

I just spend my time trying to find ways to not feel this panic,

This desperation.

And yet I must feel this panic,

This desperation.

Even though I don't want to.

I don't want to look that closely at how I feel or why I feel it.

I just want the fix.

I want to feel better.

Because even as I look at this panic and desperation,

I become aware that that isn't love.

Oh,

It isn't love.

And I thought it was love.

It felt good to be chosen for a while.

And all it wants is to be chosen again.

It would give itself up to be chosen again.

It would give up every thought,

Way of being.

It would twist itself in circles to be chosen again.

It would do things differently.

Because all it wants is to not feel this terror that it feels.

So uncomfortable.

Sad.

And what would be the reason I would want that part of me to be guiding my life?

To be running my choices?

It's seeking of love.

Would drive me to do things that I wouldn't do.

And I'm aware too that there's safety in not loving.

Not allowing myself to engage so deeply with someone that this would ever be triggered.

The wishing to never be this vulnerable.

Never be this hurt,

This sad,

This desperate,

This panicked.

It's like a two-edged sword.

Giving it some of that love.

And then being so terrified that it could be taken away.

So you can either cut yourself off from this horrible risk.

Or you can take that risk and bear this vulnerable desperation if it doesn't work out.

And am I even a part of this aspect of me's consideration?

Does it think of me?

Not really.

It wants satisfaction.

It wants what it wants.

And I'm not what it wants.

It wants someone else.

Something else.

And how does something that doesn't know me know what I want?

And can I be this real,

This vulnerable,

This aware?

In some ways it's more comfortable to be sad,

To be desperate,

To be hurt than to think that I could operate in a way that could love even in the midst of this situation.

I don't know that I want to be someone who doesn't have to have what I want.

I want what I want and I don't want to be talked out of it.

I want what I want.

It's almost better to feel the agony of not having what I want than to believe that I can be someone who's okay even if another doesn't choose me.

Because then am I even human?

I mean,

What am I here for?

Am I even human?

I mean,

What am I here for?

The storyline of meeting that person and merging with them and loving them I like that better than taking the time to feel this desperation.

And I maybe sometimes pick things that aren't as intense because it's safer.

It's safer than going all in.

And I just want to throw up.

And for a moment,

Again,

I relax away from being in that feeling and be aware of that feeling.

I rest deeper into that being that I am.

And if I heal this aspect of me,

Will I be human?

Will I be real if I don't have this suffering?

Or can I be real enough to face it?

Can I be real enough to get to know me enough to be okay in this situation?

There's a part of me that doesn't want to be okay.

It wants everyone around me to understand I'm hurting.

This is so confusing in ways.

To be this panicked and desperate,

To be willing to be vulnerable,

To be willing to be okay even if I don't get what I want,

That one seems to be the hardest.

Or to be willing to go for what I want even though it scares me.

And all these things are unknown.

That which is desperate in me to have what I want,

Who I want,

Doesn't care for me.

It's not even paying attention to me and yet it's the decider of my happiness.

And the part of me that never wants to be this vulnerable,

That never wants to open to something real,

To this level of introspection or pain,

That shuts down,

That pushes away,

That keeps me safe.

It's not keeping me safe,

It's keeping itself safe from ever feeling a certain level of vulnerability.

And do I want it responsible for my happiness?

Because it would never let it completely blossom.

And do I want to be a being,

A person,

Who can look so deeply at my own self,

Console,

Love,

Be there for myself?

Can I be that deep and true?

And do I diminish my humanity?

Or is this the door to something deeper within me?

Who am I if my happiness is not based on getting what I want?

It frightens me because then would I want anything?

Then who would I be?

Then,

If nothing depended on the outside,

Would I be normal?

Would I be relatable?

Would I be human?

Would I be happy?

And I don't know.

I don't know.

Because I haven't dug that deep.

I've dug deep.

But this is deeper.

And it's all unknown.

And it's all desperate and panicked.

And the only thing that I can absolutely know that whether the desperation and the panic is to protect me,

So I love less,

I don't love as deeply as I can,

Or whether the desperation and panic is to be loved so that I feel happiness,

Or whether the desperation and the panic questions whether I'm human if I'm okay without this one thing.

It's all desperation and panic.

And it doesn't seem to be very loving of myself or of the person that I may want,

Or the thing that I may want.

And so I go deeper than that desperation.

I go deeper than the fears of all of those things to a place that is not panicked,

That is not desperate.

And there's a disbelief inside myself that I can be there,

But I feel it.

And I get closer to that,

That space that isn't panicked.

And from that space,

From this place,

I love each of these panicked and desperate aspects.

The one who wants what it wants.

The one who won't take the risk to want.

And the one who's afraid to be more and stronger.

The one who's afraid I won't be human.

I'm going to love all three of those aspects of me.

Letting the desperation and the panic of each of those spaces touch the space in me that is not afraid.

That in me that is not afraid to love,

Even if I'm not loved back.

That love within me that's willing to go for what I want,

To love and be loved,

To take that risk.

And that aspect of me that is beyond the psychological humanity that's been created for us to live in.

That you have to be a particular way to be human.

To be just as human in this space.

And here I feel a thousand voices with a thousand reasons of why any of the three is more important and most real.

And I can't even keep up with how they were born into existence.

But I know that they did not come from this space.

And it's like a thousand doors opening and closing.

They were all access points to this space and to this space being cut off.

Because none of them would get what they want in this space.

None of them would be desperate here or panicked here.

But also none of them would have what they want.

Whether it's the one that wants to love and be loved by a specific person or thing.

Or whether it's the one who cuts love off so they don't feel the pain.

Or whether it's the one who feels less human and less their slave to feeling.

And there is feeling here.

And there is love here.

And there is vulnerability here.

And all here is safe.

And part of me rejects this space.

Because it doesn't feel real enough.

The desperation,

The panic,

The vulnerability,

The protection.

The desire for humanity and the belief in feeling.

All feels more real than this calm,

Still space.

I don't know how to live from this calm,

Still place.

For it would allow the one who doesn't love me to leave.

And it would understand the one who protects me.

And it would hold the one who's afraid of not being human or believing its own stories.

And how do I live from here?

How do I achieve anything that I might desire from here?

And its focus is not on these questions.

For these are still questions of the mind.

The focus in this space is loving me.

Desperate,

Panicked me.

And I still feel the weight,

The panic and the desperation that does not want to be satisfied by this love.

That would prefer to be any one of those three things than be satisfied by this love.

That's how much we reject ourselves.

That I can sit in this absolutely loving space and reject it.

And that's okay.

This space does not require that I love it.

But it is important to be aware of how much we reject the space within ourselves.

How much I'd rather be desperate and panicked than to recognize and be in this space.

What has happened to me in this psychological lifetime that I would reject this space?

What did I entune or feel in life that would have me reject this space?

That would prefer panic and desperation of any of these three ways of thinking.

That I'd rather have that than this space.

What did I learn?

What did I observe?

What did I accept?

And how can I unlearn that?

How can this space that loves me,

Love me through this rejection of myself?

The desire to punish myself more than love me.

And it loves me so much that it doesn't care where I learned that.

It just wants to love me.

To help me recognize that any of these other three aspects,

If they are the decider of my happiness,

I am forever lost.

Because that which is not happy cannot be the decider of my happiness.

That which is panicked and desperate and self-rejecting and punishing cannot be what decides if I get to be happy.

Or what I want.

Or if I can be vulnerable or loved.

It's so confused.

It's so desperate and so hurt.

It cannot know what is best for me.

And so I fall into this space of loving me.

Even though my mind is not aware of how to let it go or accept or be loved this way.

Or love others this way.

Much less love myself this way.

And it's quite telling to understand that my mind would choose these desperate,

Panicked,

Self-rejecting feelings over this space.

To realize that my mind does not know how to love me.

Or love another.

And that there's nothing wrong with me for being that way.

There's nothing wrong with the fact that my mind is unaware of its own self-rejection as well as how to love.

And there may not be words to express how this space can heal me,

My mind.

I just know that not only am I opening the door to this space within me,

But I'm ripping it off.

So that there is no door between me and this space.

That this space is allowed to flood my body,

My mind,

My heart and my being.

Regardless of whether or not my mind accepts it.

I love me even if I reject me.

I love you even if you reject me.

I love me even if my mind rejects me.

And I love you even if you reject me.

And I can feel still a bit of energy,

Not quite comfortable with the idea that I can love you even if you reject me.

So I dive deeper into that space.

And I say again,

I love me even if I reject me.

And I love you even if you reject me.

There is just a little more control or desire for control with that second statement.

And I open to living from this space in the unknown present moment of how to do it.

And it is an absolute letting go of control.

The control valve on being vulnerable enough to love.

The control valve on what it looks like to be a human who loves this way.

The control valve on getting what I want from you.

And from this space,

I love me as I learn to do this.

And I love you as you learn to do this.

Reviews

This was beautiful, it resonates so much with what I’m going through right now. Thank you. 🙏🏽

This was an incredible session! It helped me gain insight on blinders that I’ve been subconsciously wearing that have been negatively impacting my relationships. Much gratitude for your gentle yet direct approach. 🙏♥️✨

Thanks Deana! You are telling my story, word for word. I have recently been devastated by such a loss of a person who I loved but who did not seem to be capable of really loving me back, and has even been cruel to me. It’s an excruciating level of soul pain. I spent some days when this break up happened, literally shaking in my house and trying to hold myself together. What you’ve described here is exactly what I have been through. And it’s a life long process. Will I ever be able to create a true and real and lasting love relationship? I don’t know, but I do know that to stay alive and healthy I absolutely must create this relationship with myself.
Happy to connect with you on my Tarot session.
💕🙏🏼💕🙏🏼💕

Wow!!! I have to return when I can form more sentences. I’m quite moved!
Thank you🙏🏻✨💖✨