Good morning dear friends.
It's 9th February morning,
9.
30 in Beijing.
And we're starting the 17th session,
17th gathering.
And I will begin with one minute of silence to honour those who have passed away due to coronavirus and beyond.
Thank you.
Maybe you can hear purring or doing.
The background is here with me.
And also Simba is sleeping on his pillow by my side.
And I just came back from the walk with Simba.
The streets in all the hutongs in Beijing are empty.
I can hear the sound of the birds.
And it's a very serene experience.
And then I met an old man who was walking,
Just coming out of his house,
His yard,
Using the cane.
And I had a chat.
My phone battery died by that time because of the cold.
So I couldn't take a photo.
And I had a chat with him and I asked him for his help.
And he just smiled and he said,
Yeah,
No,
No problem.
I am fine.
At this point,
All that is left is the desire to leave.
And if the time comes,
Then it comes.
He's probably late 80s,
Maybe even 90s.
It's very difficult to say with Chinese people.
They manage to keep themselves very young.
Often it's difficult to gauge what is the age really.
I was so touched with his sharing.
I could see his smile and also really trying to understand what I was saying,
Maybe with my accent and I tried to raise my voice.
I thought he couldn't hear me.
This smile that he shared with me today is so priceless.
Yesterday I heard that there is the first case of coronavirus in nearby Hutto.
There is an app that tracks.
And there were some friends asking to stay safe.
And I have this question again,
Knowing that I will die,
How will I live?
And I take in with myself,
I take in with my old self,
I take in with my dying self.
And when I visit her in her deathbed,
Deathbed,
Bed,
Joy,
All she says is do not be afraid to be alone.
Nobody is alone.
Loneliness is just the concept of the mind.
And as I can hear,
Joy is enjoying that.
And it's also giving me another sensation that even though being alone is okay,
Being together is so precious.
And I realized something I shared in one of the previous posts,
That I had a talk with joy because I was concerned about his safety and him rolling on the streets.
And we had a chat and I explained to him that it was not safe for him to go and be on the streets because maybe some people will think that he's carrier of the virus.
Since then,
He's been sleeping with me and not really going out that much.
And I feel such a connection and understanding.
So that is really beautiful.
And Leo just joined me and I'm appreciating that.
Looking at your smile.
Hello,
Good morning.
And I know that yesterday it was very sunny where you were and today is very sunny.
Beautiful blue skies in Beijing.
Really enjoying the moment and the sound of birds is just wonderful.
I think birds are having a real party at the moment because there's no noise,
No cars and they are just chirping and gathering together.
And then when I walk,
They kind of like pause every time as I'm approaching and whenever I really want to record that sound,
They actually pause.
It's like they don't want to be disturbed,
Not even by observing and especially when the phone comes out,
I find that I really appreciate those people who are doing birdwatching.
It's not easy to take photos of birds.
They somehow sense the moment when there is focus on them that there needs to be,
I believe,
Some inner space,
Inner peace of,
Of equanimity with the environment in order for the birds not to feel interrupted and intruded.
So it's truly a meditative practice.
So I also yesterday watched the video on Facebook.
Swing dancers posted a collection of videos how people are dancing in their homes with masks and beautiful music.
It's such an uplifting video.
And I am so inspired with how people here are taking this,
How people in China are taking this,
This maybe judgment of the world and saying we can be strong.
We've been through this before.
There are many topics being raised on Communist Party,
On the way,
How things have been dealt,
Who passed away and what has been happening.
I don't understand politics that much.
And I have been born and raised in a communist country.
And I know that many people are scared of communism.
Many people are saying that there,
There's brainwashing and looking at the everything,
All information that is available now,
Fake news and everything.
And I'm wondering what is brainwashing?
What does brainwashing really mean?
Does brainwashing mean that I have full faith that somebody else is making decisions for me and that I'm working according to that?
Yesterday,
We talked about the free will,
The session that was not recorded.
So if I have free will,
Can anybody brainwash me?
When I was 18 years old or maybe a little bit older and suddenly started to really listen what was going on and talk to some people who had a different perspective of what was happening in former Yugoslavia,
I suddenly felt betrayed.
And I was angry.
I was angry with the education,
With the Marxism,
Leninism,
All those lessons that I had to study to get a good mark in order to get to university.
I was angry with my parents.
I was angry at Tito,
Who was the president of the country when I really,
Really loved every moment of my childhood,
Because I was so carefree because somebody else was making decisions for me.
That innocence was lost when I realized that some people suffered during the time of my innocence.
My heart is breaking.
But you know,
I can say I didn't know.
And I can also say,
How dare you brainwash me?
But really,
Was I brainwashed by others or was I choosing to believe in something that felt good at that time?
We all go through phases,
Through stages of our development.
And there are moments when we wake up and say,
Wow,
That was working for me.
Until this morning is not working for me anymore.
And then we have this tendency to go and point fingers at others and say,
Why did you get me to this point of my awakening when I'm saying that that that used to work for me is not working for me anymore.
And then we are angry at others and we are saying,
I want to be carefree still.
And now that I'm not anymore,
You are the one to blame.
I spent maybe 20 years of my life in that anger.
Being angry with people who have supported the time when I was living innocently and joyfully.
I was angry with people who didn't tell me the truth.
I was angry with myself that I didn't look for the truth at that time,
But I chose to be just happy and content with everything that was given to me.
And then situation changed and those who were really angry with what was happening and saying that is not true anymore.
Let's find another truth.
And the new truth came in and people were really happy.
And they called it democracy.
And through that democracy,
War started.
And then the world said,
No,
That's not right.
It's nationalism.
And then we were divided again.
And some people said,
No,
This is our freedom.
And other people said,
This cannot be your freedom.
Imposing their will to ours and families fell apart.
And I felt ashamed to say I'm from Yugoslavia because when I would say from Yugoslavia,
People would look at me and say,
Oh,
You're nationalist because you cannot be from Yugoslavia.
That's gone.
So I ran away and I came to China right after some revolution here that was happening.
And at that moment I had space to be who I am because nobody really cared.
People were giving me full space just by the way how I looked to be who I am,
To do what I do and just saying,
Oh,
You foreigners,
You just do it differently.
So I actually experienced that freedom here like I've never experienced freedom before to fully own my choices.
And while China was going in its own direction,
I really had a choice to either stay or leave.
Who am I to change anybody?
Who am I to change other country,
Other people,
How they are choosing to live?
So then I looked at some traditional philosophy,
Traditional way of thinking and find found the great wisdom in that.
What was said by Lao Tse and Zhuang Tse and all those great philosophers was that we're all one and going to effortless being and all of that seemed like an amazing concept.
But then I realized that I truly understand that concept,
But I couldn't do it because all I wanted to do is to act.
Effortless action because I was striving for success.
So then I realized the imposed will of some people who are no longer even alive just by reading their books.
And I allowed myself to be shaped by those books.
And then I looked for practices and then I found teachers and then I would follow teachers.
And at certain point I would get disappointed and I would say,
Oh,
That's who you are.
But look in this way,
You're not truly living that that you are teaching.
And then I judge them.
And then I was angry because they were no longer providing for me that I thought I needed.
And I expressed my anger and then I stopped to learn from them.
And then I stopped to learn all together.
And I was disappointed with all that traditional thought.
And I thought,
No,
That is not the truth.
I've been deceived.
It's impossible.
It's impossible to be that person that they are saying in the books that I could be.
So I went into silence and then I went back into thriving for success and said,
Here I have to be this 21st century woman.
And as I'm aging and coming to the point of being ashamed for not being married or not having children,
Perhaps,
Because that's how it's viewed.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
So let me try for success.
Let me try to be successful.
So I just get some recognition that I am actually OK.
And then that didn't work either.
So I became depressed.
And then depression imposed its will onto me.
And then I realized it was the first time I realized it's me.
It's all about me,
Whoever I am.
That is imposing all these different thoughts and beliefs.
Onto me,
Myself.
It's all been my choices.
Somebody once asked me.
What do you like?
Do you like chocolate ice cream or vanilla ice cream?
What do you choose?
And I said,
Chocolate.
And the question came and said,
Why?
Why chocolate?
And I said,
Well,
Because I prefer chocolate to vanilla.
And the answer was no,
That's the wrong answer.
And I got upset.
How can you tell me it's the wrong answer?
Did I prefer chocolate to vanilla just because I like it?
No.
And I was like,
Are you trying to say that there is one right answer?
And yeah,
He said,
Yes,
There is one right answer.
Why do you choose chocolate over vanilla?
And I said,
Well,
When I eat it,
It tastes better.
So it's because of my taste buds.
He said,
No,
Wrong answer.
And we went on like that.
And I was beginning to be angry.
And I didn't like that there was one right answer.
I wanted to have the freedom to have my own answer.
And eventually that answer came.
It went on for half an hour,
Which was excruciatingly painful.
And I was forced to think,
And I was forced to come up with that one right answer that made sense.
And when I heard it,
It all made sense really.
And I understood what it was.
So the answer was,
If you wonder what it is.
And trust me,
It's not going to work as well if I give you the answer and you don't contemplate on it.
So for those who are watching,
Listening this recording,
You may pause here and find your own answer and then continue to watch.
The answer is,
I choose to eat chocolate ice cream because I choose to eat chocolate ice cream.
It's my choice.
And there is no other explanation to it.
The freedom of choices,
Owning our choices.
Only when we own our choices are we truly free.
So I'm choosing to talk now,
Not because anybody has made me to,
Or I want to be loved,
Or I want to be acknowledged.
I choose because I choose.
The rest is all irrelevant.
And it's going to change.
If any other answer comes,
It's going to change according to the day,
According to the age,
According to the experience I'm having.
And through that,
Appreciation of my father started to come into my life because I remember this.
I was through my childhood trying to get a grasp of and grip of the world and what it was.
He always asked me to think by myself.
He was giving me these tests in logic that he used to give to his officers.
He was a professor in the military academy.
And there were these tests about how many cubes there are.
And you know,
Like if you are in a room with a candle and a stove and a wooden oven,
What do you light first?
And you know,
Like,
Unless you say that you light matches first then the answer is wrong.
So,
And I hated him for that.
I really didn't like,
I wanted him to tell me.
I would sit and when he was watching football games,
I would sit and say,
What is the result?
Who's winning?
And he would say,
Sit and watch.
And I hated him for that.
I thought that he was rejecting me.
I thought that he didn't want me to,
Didn't want to be,
Me to be included.
But now I understand.
He wanted me to think.
He wanted me to have space to find out by myself.
And I recently shared that one of my teachers said,
Do not read books.
Look for the answers by yourself.
Experience it.
Excruciatingly painful because I would from time to time go and say,
Oh,
This is what I experienced.
I had this vision.
And he would say,
No,
Make sure just drop it.
That's not it.
And I would say,
But what is it?
And he would say,
Go and practice.
And I would practice and I would go and have another vision.
And he would say,
Just drop it.
That's the more you practice,
The more you have visions,
The more your energy goes away.
That's not it.
And I really didn't understand.
And at one point I also got disappointed with him.
He was just not telling me enough.
And then when I discovered mindfulness,
Everything I learned about these practices just opened up for me and I was in awe.
And I realized that all the people were saying me,
Be present,
Be in your body.
Notice there are no ordinary moments.
And the answers are not in the mind.
The answers are not in the mind.
Cause mind can create any story it wants.
And often we are going to create the stories that will fully justify,
Fully justify that,
That we are experiencing like anxiety.
When anxiety kicks in,
All mind wants to create is the reality of why that anxiety is justified.
So that anxiety is abused and that we can have a soothing experience.
But the more it looks for justification,
The worse it gets.
So now these days I wake up and I can look at the news and I'm wondering what is that going to provide for me?
Is it going to provide me an anxious thought or is it going to provide peace for me?
And then I find peaceful resource of the news.
But then I also begin to search for those that are creating panic and that are creating difficulty as well.
So somewhere deep inside of me,
I want to know I'm safe,
But I'm looking for the difficult news.
I'm looking for that,
That is wrong.
Just to justify that somewhere there I'm taking care of myself and then I'm considering everything.
And I'm trying to be safe somewhere there.
How am I making my choices?
So I would like to pause right now and invite both of us to go into a moment of silence.
Gently noticing this,
Letting go of the thoughts,
Just for a moment honoring the sensation,
The empty spaces in the body.
Truly care and work for us all the time,
Enabling all the information from all the cells to travel and maintain this system,
This existence.
Let's gently drop into the empty space in between our ears in the middle of our head and find soothing balance,
Silence.
Okay.
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