Now coming back to my story about open heart and after probably three years of really searching and looking at different methods and wanting to be in the space of open mind and heart,
That night when my heart opened up and I went back home,
It was really amazing and I went out from the studio and went to the street and I was ready to share myself with the whole world.
I was really open.
And then I came back home and I was ready to share myself with my partner as well.
But something was a little bit off because my partner was not ready to share this with me.
So I sensed a little bit of confusion and I really don't know how everything was happening but for some reason me feeling fully in love and thinking this is it.
I am in the home I like.
I'm with a partner I like.
And the whole world.
I'm in love with the world.
I'm in love with myself.
And in the morning my partner and I had a fight and I heard those words well I'm going to move out.
And that was shocking for my open heart.
Something felt like it hit me straight inside and from this open space it was like this wound,
Gashing wound of almost like feeling the knife coming inside and my panic attack started.
So I started to fight for my breath.
I thought I was going to die.
And all I was hearing from my partner was no you're just not able to breathe.
And the more I was feeling this coldness coming towards me the more panic I was having and it just continued.
We went into the taxi and went to the hospital and then again with my heart open I heard these doctors looking at me and saying you are having a panic attack just breathe slowly.
And there was no compassion there was no clarity there was no connectedness.
I lost my confidence.
I felt so so embarrassed.
So all my A.
C.
S were gone and I was experiencing something that was really unknown and so difficult.
And it felt like I was unable to self-regulate because they were just saying breathe stop faking that you're dying this is not heart attack it's panic attack.
But you know my heart was closed on by force by circumstances and if I only knew that that was how backdraft was working.
Because backdraft is when our heart opens up to memories that have been suppressed for a long time.
And because it's difficult to experience certain emotions like for me the difficult of abandonment difficult emotion of being abandoned was really something that was getting my heart to be closed to begin with.
And now in this space of having my heart open I didn't know how to close it.
So learning how to open heart and close heart consciously is actually the way of self-regulation is the way of really learning how to take care of ourselves.
The signs that you're closing to the experience are that maybe you engage your mind a little bit more that there is some rumination happening that there is irritability arising more anxiety that maybe there is anger and if we are putting that on the top of open heart then maybe we can become critical of ourselves or others the blame can come in.
So these signs could be really like a traffic light for you that maybe it's okay to support the sign that your heart is closing.
And because if you're forcing a heart opening at that time you will maybe experience similar things like panic attack or anxiety attack.
So knowing when you're entering approaching to a tender and soft state of emotions becoming more difficult is actually really really a wise space to be.
So backdraft is a phenomenon in which fire that has consumed all available oxygen suddenly explodes when more oxygen is made available.
Typically this is because the door a door or a window has been opened.
So it's a term in firefighting and imagine that when your heart is closed for a long time and you open it up suddenly it's a little bit like your heart was deprived of oxygen and then you open the window of your heart and all this new oxygen comes in and the memories just explode and take over all your senses.
So if you begin to sob uncontrollably or there is some denial arising your body is shaking this is what is going on you just let too much oxygen into your system you opened up your memory box too suddenly it's a little bit like opening a Pandora's box.
So for deep exploration of pain and trauma it is best you consult with a therapist counselor or a coach or a trauma sensitive trauma sensitive mindfulness coach that is aware of what these kind of experiments may bring to your psyche to your body mind and spirit.
So people who can guide you gently into practice and know how to use meditation for self-regulation when to continue when to stop when to ease your practice when to do more and when to change the practice because you may be doing the same practice for a long time and then just not really getting anything out of it.
Numbness may be also a sign that you're coming to a place of overwhelm.
If you use meditation only for the purpose of calming down and avoiding emotions you will be doing something that is called spiritual bypassing.
Now this is the term that John Velwood brought in 80s he was a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist and his definition is that spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues psychological wounds and unfinished developmental tasks.
Yes these practices can actually be more serving to developing your ego rather than bringing you to a state of wisdom and sometimes it's not easy to see that by ourselves but your community your teachers your friends other fellow practitioners they will be able to tell you if you're somewhere there stepping aside from the original adventure that involves observing yourself through eight C's and also learning from your awareness.
So once again be mindful of backdraft you may just gently say oh it's backdraft when it arises you may allow backdraft to gently be present in the back of your mind or you may do some practices related to softening soothing and allowing difficult emotions to be present or just simply opening your eyes stepping out of the practice going forward taking fresh air and doing informal practice instead maybe going back to facing this topic when you're more resourceful or just simply talking to your friend or a coach so be wise know that yes backdraft can happen and take things with ease remember eight C's are characteristics of compassionate self with capital S and if you're not in one of those states then you're not practicing self-compassion and yeah enjoy
